[pokabelly]

Hi I am new here but really need someone to talk to. I can't seem to find many people in the same situation as me where I am trying for my second and my 1st is already 12. I am having such a bad time lately with dealing with TTC and all the comments, etc we get from family/ friends. I am 32 and my husband is 42. We have been TTC more than 9 months straight and off and on before then- so not sure if I should count that time or not. If so then it has been more than a year. Since I have wanted another one (I have wanted another baby since my 1st son went to kindergarden - he is now in 7th grade- hubby wanted to wait though) I have seen over 17 people I know get pregnant and/or gave birth. Just this past year alone it has been 4! Last night we found out my sister in law, who does drugs, drinks, etc. is now pregnant! She has animals she does not even take care of and have been neglected for days without food or water! I am sorry if I sound so mean or hateful which is one of the problems- I have never been like that before. I do not want to have feelings like that and even though it hurts I AM glad for the one's who are responsible, grown up enough and REALLY want a baby, especially if they have had to struggle- as I now know the heartache they have gone through. It is just she does not deserve it! She did not even want a baby! She only wants it just so she won't have to work anymore and it will get her husband off her back because he does want one since his dad died almost 2 yrs ago. She even told me that!!! She got pregnant on the first month! I feel like what is wrong with me that I must be such a bad person or something- why can't it happen for me if it can happen so easy for someone like her? I have so many people I know that say I should just be happy with what I have. That I already have a child. Like it is supposed to hurt less that way? Some days it is all I can think about and don't even care about anything else or care to even get up and face the world. Other days I get to the point where I just want to give up on trying anymore. I am so sick of hearing also that we should not even be trying because our first son is too old now. It is stupid to be trying. I have even heard comments that it will happen if god thinks we deserve it. "He gives babies to ones that deserve them". So the drug addict, the one in the family who just abandoned her 1st, and the one who has had 5 abortions deserves to have one and get pregnant with no trying!? I am starting to feel really stupid about myself and trying after all the comments. I know though I can't ever truly be happy if it does not happen for us...If anyone else is out there dealing with what I am please talk with me. I have no one around me who I can talk to. I promise to try to be more positive as I don't want to bring anyone else down and I know it will help me knowing someone else is going through the same situation and I am not alone.

 

[wanderinggypsy]

First of all: how long it has been since the birth of your first child IN NO WAY lessens the valididy and sacredness of your desire to have a second. In fact, I would like to commend you and your husband for obviously putting care and thought into your timing of your second child. What is right for one family is certainly not right for all- each situation is unique.

I can totally relate to the feeling of despair at seeing people who are irresponsible coming into parenthood so easily. I have seen enough of these situations to sadly know that in only a small percentage of them do the parents "get their act together" once the baby comes.

As for the task at hand (getting you pregnant with the baby you've been longing for), lets get scientific: a)are there any impediments to your getting pregnant that you are aware of like symptoms of low progesterone or anything else? b) are you communiating with a doctor about ttc?
In my opinion, there's not much sense in doing trial and error ttc when you've waited so long for the baby already. Why not just cut to the chase, get help if it's needed, and get the baby, right? Myself, I'm on progesterone suppositories to smooth out a luteal phase defect. My first two kids are four years apart, and if I get pregn. right away this time, there will be almost 4 years between my youngest right now and the new baby. (Not quite the gap you will have, but still.... most of my friends have babies only a year or two apart, so I have some idea...)

 

[pokabelly]

Thank you for a reply. I appreciate it and you being so kind. I hope this is how I am supposed to reply as I am not really sure how the message board works yet. Anyway, I have been to my gyno. He seems to think I ovulate o.k. because I get a + on the kits, my cm changes and I get my period exactly 14 days after opk says I ovulated. So I am assuming LF is normal as well. I charted only one month now and I did get temp change at the time of o. My pap, etc. all came out good, I had an fsh test which was o.k.. My husband has been tested only for count. We just ordered Fertell which checks mobility. I am going in for hsg soon but am really scared as I have heard some stories. Kinda dumb to be scared huh after I had natural childbirth the 1st time around. We can't seem to find any place in our area that deals with men so he has only taken home tests. We are wondering if he might have a problem more than me because he had about 10-11yrs ago cancer and chemo. I heard it can affect fertility. We though because his count was o.k. though that he was o.k. but that may not be so. I do not think it is timing for us as we are hitting the right times so to speak according to the opk, etc. I am trying actually to find a new doctor because mine is o.k. but he certainly is not a specialist. You would think that the area I live in Orlando, Fl would have more options available to us as a couple. Do you have a specialist? Did you have to go through a lot of testing to find out what was the matter? Sorry if I am asking too much or am too personal...It sounds as if you are on the right track though and I hope it works for you right away! I actually kind of wanted mine about 4-5 years apart but hubby wanted to wait. With the 1st it just kind of happened and he figured the next would be so easy. One time and off you go

. Anyway, thanks again for talking with me It makes me feel better. I was worried about joining and coming off sounding so down that no one would even talk to me.

 

[firemommaof1]

Ahhh honey... I cant say I know what your going through but I can hear the pain in your letter! Dont be afraid to post anything here these are a great bunch of ladies that are here for support and to be supported.
My sister is also pumping out babies and never wanted any!!! Shes had 3 live births and only kept one... then the many pregnancies that have ended??? hummm wonder how??? but yet she gets ALL the attention! errrr!! my husband and I are young so when we decided to try everyone thought I just got knocked up! We are working on #2 but know one knows yet... just dont want the comments of "your so young" "are you sure you want another". so in a weird way I know where your comming from.
Hang in there... I know its hard to wait when you want something but just think they grow up so fast enjoy the process your in now (as much as you can). Anyway your not alone here no matter what the problem is!!!!
Take Care.

 

[lolalola]

Pokabelly: I am really sorry that you are experiencing such heartbreak

TTC can been extremely emotional, especially if you feel that you have no one you can confide in. I have not been trying as long as you have (we are about to begin a 4th cycle), however, TTC has become such a part of who I am right now, and each time I can't conceive gets more crushing, and I feel very alone. I think that is what drew me to these boards. Here I know that other women are feeling the same way, and that I am not alone.
Try not to take the negative comments to heart. I know it is hard but sometimes people say things without realizing the pain it can cause. I too have had to deal with others aroud me who seem to get pregnant without a second thought...and who don't really want to have a baby..sigh...
I think the advice that Wanderinggypsy gave you is right on the mark

Try to stay focused on you

and get the help you need.
Wishing you all the best and much

 

[pokabelly]

Thanks so much to all of you. Everyone is so nice on here. It is almost making me cry but in a good way instead of a sad way...Golly, I am so emotional lately. One thing which is not negative that I am getting out of this process I am having to go through, is really how much kids are a gift and also an understanding of what a lot of other women are going through as well, which I never knew until reading some of the posts on here...When I had my first, I was lucky, I never knew it could be so hard or heartbreaking TTC a baby but I realize now it can be and how it must have hurt for some others to see me preg. I just took it for granted that it was just so easy like you are taught in High school and if you did not have a baby it was because you just didn't want to or were on birth control. I definately have come a long way from that mentality.

Sticky beans to everyone!

 

[Anglyn]

My first child was 11 when I had my second. I know exactly what you are going through! I got off birth control when he was five! When he was in kindergarten, another one of the moms I became friendly with got pg. with her second and all she did was complain because she had not wanted another child. I wanted to cry everytime she did that, I wanted to say, "give it to me!"

One day when ds1 was about nine I saw a family at the grocery store loading groceries and about six kids into minivan. At this point, not only had I not been able to concieve when trying, but I was single (divorced) and already 32. I went home and cried for two hours.

Hang in there! And never be afraid to post here, MDC is a WONDERFUL support group!

 

[pokabelly]

Anglyn: It does sound like you were in the same exact boat as I am so to speak. How did you deal with all the comments about having kids so far apart in age? That family you saw at the store seems just like my son's friend's family. She must have 7 or 8..It's like everytime the wind blows she is going to have another one!

I told my husband about this message board and how everyone is so nice and we can all relate to each other and he is glad for me as he knows I don't have anyone here I can turn to aside from him but he has his own stress over all this and he is a guy (duh)

: ...

I actually found myself laughing tonight thinking about my sister in law and how she is going to freak out once the baby has a nasty diaper all up the back or if it is a boy how she will most likely get peed on when she changes him!

She can't even handle when the dog goes on the floor! I know not nice of me but it is better than crying... I am trying at least.

 

[Starflower]

Hi. I didn't want to lurk and run without giving you a

We tried for 2+ years to get our DD and people knew we were trying. My mom actually suggested that maybe we just give up and adopt a baby. (I am in no way against adoption and would have considered it, but was not at that point yet.) Seems like when you are TTC, suddenly everyone around you is pregnant. I used to feel jealous a lot. And that crap about God giving a baby to those who deserve one is just that -- crap. I can't believe how rude some people are. I suppose in some screwed up way they are attempting to be comforting? Whatever.

So here's some

for you and your DH. It sounds like you're on the right track to getting PG again. I would also recommend checking out the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" if you haven't read it. You might already have the information, but we'd been trying for a long time the first time around the OB/GYN's never really told me about cervical mucous and its role in conception until we were almost ready to consider interventions.

Good luck with your doctor appointments and I hope your other tests come out well.

 

[Darcy37]

My oldest is 21 years old my youngest is 2 months old people told me I was selfish having babies at almost 40 yrs old because they could have birth defects you just ignolre peoples ignorance and keep trying your happiness is what matters not what others think.

 

[pokabelly]

Hi, Thanks for the

and

. I have heard of that book and have it on hold at the library. Just waiting for them to send it to me. It seems a popular book. I know about the jealousy thing! Definately. I have heard the adoption thing already too which we do have in the back of our minds but like you, I am not ready to give up no matter how much it hurts. Some days I feel like giving up but I know I can't yet. I just wouldn't be happy if I did.

I know I am out of the ordinary for a lot of people when it comes to how far apart my kids will be if I am successful but I just don't see why some of them have to make the comments as though it affects them. The same with the age comments too- though I personally have not had to deal with those comments myself. I had a friend though that did and it was just as hurtful as anything that has been said to me.
I wonder, Is there some manual that these people know of that says you have to be x age, have them x yrs apart and so on!?

I know plenty of women who had perfect, healthy babies in their late 30's or early 40's. And, that there are plenty of women out there that had kids in their 20's or early 30's and the baby did have problems. So I don't think it matters that much.
I do know one thing for sure though

I got up this morning all depressed again but then came on here as saw the posts and it cheered me up!

 

[OTMomma]

I am so glad MDC is helping you through this tough experience!

TTC for months and months has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Its like missing someone you never knew- you know they should be in your life, but you don't even have memories of them to comfort you. Its really hard. And it does suck that other people think they get to comment on such a personal matter. I think for the most part, having children is a purely biological process- its not a matter of faith or God its a matter of science- egg+sperm+ good conditions.

I've been ttc #2 for 2 years. My dd is 4, so a little different than your story, but the feelings are there. I"ve seen tons of friends and family have babies while we've waited. I'm now trying a lot of dietary changes after reading the book The Infertility Cure- which also recommends herbs and accupuncture- its been a great read.

Anyway- you should check out the groups here, there is a ttc 12+ months group, where you might feel at home to talk more and be welcomed, there is also a ttc 6+ months group, and other groups. Check them out and see where you feel comfortable- this is a great place for support!

 

[pokabelly]

Thanks Laura

I tried fertility blend for a couple months but gave up on it as it did not do anything for me except bother my stomach but I do take prenatal vitamins....We just ordered Fertell for my husband. So I guess I am going to wait on my hsg until we do that 1st. Still waiting for my tcoyf book to come in but maybe I will see if I can find the one you are talking about. I only just started charting recently and have heard that even though the opk says you are going to ovulate it does not necessarily mean you have or it may have been earlier or later (which I did not know) or that just because I get af 14 days after opk says I o'd that I may still be o'ing at a diff. time with diff. length LF...Does that sound right? So maybe we just have been getting the time wrong? I do know of the 9 straight months we have been trying we did get the timing wrong at least a few times (we did not know at the time though because we went by the ovacue which was NOT accurate!) Needless to say I did not keep it. We have been timing bd for when opk or cp says I O but this month we are going to try every other day from day 9 to about 19 that should cover any late or early cycle. As some have said that trying only when you are supposed to O can actually reduce your chances. Anyway, I

too much!

 

[ollineeba]

Welcome to MDC! I'm sorry you're having such a tough time TTC. Life is certainly not fair sometimes

I wish you the best of luck with ttc and hope that it happens very soon for you and your DH!

 

[OTMomma]

Pokabelly- I hope your new plan works for you, it can be tricky to time things right, and charting your temps will help you know for sure when you are O'ing and if your luteal phase is long enough, etc.

 

[pokabelly]

Thanks Otmama & mama2babybeans