[Jennbee]

I know this is the CLW forum, which I had been leaning towards this past half year, but I have a situation that I need some advice or encouragement on.
DH has been telling me that he thinks I haven't gotten pregnant yet because I nurse our 2.5 year old. Today he told DD that if she wants to have a baby brother or sister she'll have to stop nursing so mommy could grow a baby in her belly. She then said that she would stop nursing. Tonight when I asked if she was ready to go to bed I reminded her about what she said earlier in the day. She then told me that she wanted to nurse and doesn't want me to have another baby.
I didn't feel right about DH telling her that because her and I have already talked about her weaning, and she has been saying that she'll stop when she's three. And I ask her if she'll stop on her birthday, and she says she will. I just don't know though, does she really understand the concept of another year older? I'm having mixed feelings about her continuing to nurse any longer. She nurses 3-5 times a day. And there are times when I tell her no, like sometimes when I'm sitting right next to someone. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable nursing around some other people, like my BIL's.

 

[Glover_Girls]

I might be able to offer you some words of encouragement. I am not nursing any longer but I did nurse until my dd was 3. It really is amazing how many people have something to say about nursing a toddler - like it's a completely alien concept! I sort of wore it as a badge of honor and still am proud to say that my dd nursed until she was 3. It's precious time together that passes only too soon. If you are feeling uncomfortable because others make you feel that way but are otherwise content to nurse until your dd is 3, I would try and let that pass. Your dd is way more important than the comments of other people. They'll get over it and forget all about it when something else comes along for them to pass judgement over.

Anyway...I do believe that your dd will understand the concept of weaning at age 3. Mine did. I have to respectfully disagree with tying her weaning to a pregnancy. She shouldn't be made to feel that her nursing is preventing the family from growing - that is too much pressure on her and unfair (IMHO). Not to mention...untrue. Plenty of women get pregnant while nursing. At 2.5 she is still egocentric and of course will choose nursing over a baby brother or sister that has yet to exist. So I wouldn't take that personally. And you don't want to her to feel like she's been forced out of nursing for another child - could cause resentment. If you have already discussed a time frame for weaning, then stick with it. The difficulties come when we go back on our word and plan.

My approach: I reminded DD that in X months she would be a bigger girl and we would stop nursing. Then I asked her, "what do you think we could do at bedtime instead of nursing?" I was prepared for some push back and tough times. But surprisingly when the time came, my dd was ready and did it. I think I cried more than she did! She asked a couple of times for a few days afterwards but it seemed to be more out of habit. She would start to say, "I want to nurse...no...I was just kidding. I forgot."

So my bottom line I guess is stick with it and hold to the timeframe. In the long span of your dd's life, 3 years of nursing is a blip. I always look at things this way...my dd has only been on this planet for almost 4 years -she's brand new. I have underwear that is older than her! Go with your instincts and you won't go wrong! Good luck.

 

[Peony]

I had issues getting pg while bfing, dd wasn't a baby either, she was 3 by the time I finally got pg, after a year of TTC. My fertility issues were directly related to bfing, but I very much believe in CLW so refused to wean or decrease her nursing. I do feel it is unfair to place this burden on a 2 year. Even knowing that I would always let dd wean herself doesn't mean that I don't have mixed feelings about it, I don't love nursing all the time. I ended up seeking the help of an herbalist, and she is the one who helped me get pg while still bfing. Sorry, this is probably a ramble, I was just heading back to bed.

Good luck.

 

[jillmamma]

You know, you may be able to cut back a bit and still get pg. Have you had AF yet? If so, have you tried charting your cycles? I noticed when I got AF back after DS (he was 15.5 months), it took several cycles for my luteal phase to lengthen enough to be able to sustain a pregnancy. It was not till he was close to 2 that it was long enough, and then we started trying and I got pg right around his second birthday. At 15 months, he was still nursing 6-8 times a day, but by 2 he was down to 4-5 times a day. Don't know if my cycle just self-regulated or if it was due to him cutting back. But I continued to nurse during my pregnancy, and am now tandem nursing. Good luck!

 

[BelgianSheepDog]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennbee Today he told DD that if she wants to have a baby brother or sister she'll have to stop nursing so mommy could grow a baby in her belly. She then said that she would stop nursing. Tonight when I asked if she was ready to go to bed I reminded her about what she said earlier in the day. She then told me that she wanted to nurse and doesn't want me to have another baby. I didn't feel right about DH telling her that because her and I have already talked about her weaning, and she has been saying that she'll stop when she's three. And I ask her if she'll stop on her birthday, and she says she will. I just don't know though, does she really understand the concept of another year older? I'm having mixed feelings about her continuing to nurse any longer. She nurses 3-5 times a day. And there are times when I tell her no, like sometimes when I'm sitting right next to someone. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable nursing around some other people, like my BIL's.

Well I may get flamed for this, but I feel you have a responsibility to the child you already have here, and that overrules the desire to have another child. I'm not saying you shouldn't wean her right now, if that's what you absolutely have to do. But, I do think that you owe her a couple things:

1. To not be manipulative of her or put the burdens and stress of conceiving on her. I find it highly inappropriate to pressure a TWO YEAR OLD by telling her she has to give up something that she enjoys and that gives her closeness and comfort, if she wants a sibling, wants to make mommy and daddy happy, whatever. It's emotionally manipulative and it's wrong.

2. To keep your promises to her. If you promised her that she wouldn't have to wean until she's three, keep your promise.

Both of these issues are about not just her emotional safety, but about being a good role model to her as she grows.

 

[Jennbee]

Thanks for all the honest replies, I really needed them to encourage me to go with what I really feel. I know that it was manipulative of him to say that to her and for me to go along with it. She is too young to have that burden placed on her, and something that she shouldn't have to worry about. I have told DH that maybe we weren't meant to have any more kids at this time. I will be starting college in the fall, and having a new baby would definately make that harder to complete.We've been TTC for a year and a half now.
I won't be pressuring her or letting DH pressure her anymore before she turns 3. I will probably give her the occasional reminder that her birthday is coming up in x months. I just hope that it isn't too hard for her to stop nursing at that time.

 

[provocativa]

Also, you'll have a better chance at fertility if you can just get a good stretch of night without nursing- I think I read experts (don't remember who) say 6 hours- to achieve ovulation. What I'm trying to say is that my fertility didn't correspond to how many times I nursed my toddler, but to her sleeping longer at night, which corresponded to all her molars being in FINALLY. I got a good solid stretch of sleep out of her for 2 months straight, and fertility returned (man was I horny) and 3 months later I was pregnant (though we weren't trying).

 

[annarosa]

it really is unfair to link weaning and a new sibling when talking to your little one

if you really feel that nursing is compromising your ability to conceive then you have to decide if you really want to cut back on nursing

if the answer is yes, then it is for you to find ways of cutting back while causing minimum distress to your dd - it is totally inappropriate to ask her to stop or reduce by saying that she can't have a baby sister/brother unless she does !

 

[annarosa]

I also wanted to say to have a good look at the other forums - there is good advice on conception and fertility
have you made an ovulation chart and seen what the difficulty might be for you ??

for me, I had a short luteal phase - just cutting out ONE night nursing was enough to correct this - I thought I would have to night wean completely but it simply was not necessary ........

 

[MamaAllNatural]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennbee Today he told DD that if she wants to have a baby brother or sister she'll have to stop nursing so mommy could grow a baby in her belly.

This is really setting the stage for some major sibling rivalry. I think it's best to avoid anything like this altogether. It's too much to put onto such a little girl.

Setting limits is absolutely okay, and always better than weaning altogether. Start working on limits and then take it from there.

I just have to add.

that telling her she's being cut off at 3 isn't CLW at all. And I'm not about the child having all the say in nursing. It's a relationship but putting age limits (that tend to have nothing to do with anything) like that is just not CLW.

 

[ORxPlant]

We have really struggled w/ the CLWing vs TTC. DS is 2.5 yo as well and I'm still waiting for PPAF. I went to an RE last year to see if he could do anyting to stimulate my cycle. I tried a hormone regime and it did not work. The doctor said that BFing is my only fertility issue. It would not be a concern except that I will be 45 yo later this year and we are feeling the time pressure.

The benefit of CLWing is that DS will let us know when he is ready for a sybling by changing his nursing pattern. If he is still nursing around the clock b/c that is what he needs to do and that is suppressing my cycle, then I might have a hard time meeting the additional needs of an infant. I also look forward to the possibility of tandem nursing -- it seems like a wonderful way to welcome a newborn into the family.

Anyway, DS is beginning pre-school next month (two mornings/week) so we won't be making any changes until October/November. If I haven't had PPAF by then we may night wean. I plan to make a picture book w/ his photos showing how he's grown and changed and that he will soon be ready to wait until the clock says 7:30 (he knows how to read a digital clock and that's his usual waking time) to nurse. I'll let him know that we will still nurse to sleep and when he wakes during the night I willl still be there to cuddle with him. I have a couple of months to think about it and perhaps we won't end up making any changes.

It's hard to know what to do. My general feeling is that it's not DS's fault that we waited so long to start our family so we should make the same parenting choices that we would have had we started earlier. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

Good luck!

 

[clynnr]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ORxPlant The benefit of CLWing is that DS will let us know when he is ready for a sybling by changing his nursing pattern. If he is still nursing around the clock b/c that is what he needs to do and that is suppressing my cycle, then I might have a hard time meeting the additional needs of an infant. I also look forward to the possibility of tandem nursing -- it seems like a wonderful way to welcome a newborn into the family.

I just wanted to throw in a completely opposite experience, because this was not true for me at all. I nursed DD1 on demand all the time, every time, and she nursed every 1.5-2 hours until she was almost a year old. I got my first ppaf--w/ovulation--when she was 4 months old. Got pg again when she was 8.5 months old. She cut back some during pg, and I continued those limits after DD2 was born. We have been tandeming for just over 4 months, and last week I got my first ppaf. While I would love for your statement to be true for me, it just isn't, and may not be for all women. I do agree that it probably should work that way, but other factors (my nutrition as a child, including hormones in food, among others) contribute. How I would LOVE to not think about contraception right now, but alas, I have to.

:

To the OP, I realize this isn't your problem, so sorry to budge in.

I agree with what MamaAllNatural said about trying some limits instead of sticking to her date, which for her probably doesn't mean anything but "not right now, maybe when I'm three." I would guess that date means nothing to her and will not magically cause her to not want to nurse anymore. Definitely try some limits--we sing the ABCs, and some days it saves my sanity!

 

[lyttlewon]

Ok this is just my opinion but I don't think it is fair for her to be put in a position of that responsibility. SHe is being asked to give up something she really enjoys which she may or may not be ready to give up. It seems that if she feels forced into doing it because of the baby she might feel resentful and jealous. Having a new sibling is a delicate situation for a first born to begin with. She is going to have this sibling for life and her relationship with it will probably be more profound than what she ever has with you and DH-and possibly anyone else for her entire life. I wouldn't taint it.

 

[MamaAllNatural]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyttlewon I feel that she should be encouraged to go through the cycle that you and she have already been discussing, the 3 year old date, without the other child being brought into the picture. .

I'm just not getting how advocating for cutting a nursling off at three for no logical reason is appropriate in the *Child Led Weaning* forum?

 

[lyttlewon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaAllNatural I'm just not getting how advocating for cutting a nursling off at three for no logical reason is appropriate in the *Child Led Weaning* forum?

I assumed since she was talking about weaning in a CLW forum she understood the conflict. It sounded to me like she was going to wean so what was the point in arguing? If I misinterpreted her then I apologise. I don't think it is necessary for me to influence someone to CLW if they don't want to.

I can't win on these boards. If you are not supportive people whack you for ignoring the comments they make about weaning.

 

[MamaAllNatural]

The whole reason this forum was created (and we really had to fight to get it created) is because this is a safe place where no one is going to encourage or support mother led weaning. That is why I pointed it out to the OP as well as to you. This is just not an appropriate place for advocating mother led weaning at a set age that has no relevance to child or anything else for that matter. And I am not anti-MLW. It's just that this forum is a safe haven for those who choose to CLW.

 

[lyttlewon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaAllNatural The whole reason this forum was created (and we really had to fight to get it created) is because this is a safe place where no one is going to encourage or support mother led weaning. That is why I pointed it out to the OP as well as to you. This is just not an appropriate place for advocating mother led weaning at a set age that has no relevance to child or anything else for that matter. And I am not anti-MLW. It's just that this forum is a safe haven for those who choose to CLW.

Cool thanks for letting me know. I try to be careful. Sometimes I come across really strong in my posts and am always looking for the right balance.

 

[Jennbee]

Like I said in the OP, I have been leaning towards CLW. I haven't told my daughter when she has to stop nursing, just asked her. She said three, so I asked her if that was on her birthday, she says yes. I imagine when she turns three, she won't all of a sudden want to stop.
I do set some minor limits for her, while shopping, driving (duh), and other times when it isn't safe or possible, and around some people.
I originally posted here because I'm leaning towards CLW, DH is not, that's a big part of the issue. I understand that it's a relationship between me and DD, which DH respects most of the time. He has made a few comments about her not stopping when she's three though. And I did tell my DH that we shouldn't tell her that she has to stop nursing if she wants to have a baby brother or sister. She really didn't like that idea when it came down to choosing, which I totally understand.