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typical modern society mother, ugh

934 Views 17 Replies 13 Participants Last post by  CrunchyKat
Probaby a little OFF TOPIC but I thought I'd share this with you all.

The other day I was in Safeway having a sandwhich made for me, and the gal making it for me was chit chatting with me. We ended having SO MUCH in common. Her dd was born 7 days before mine, both weighed the same and same length, both young married moms, etc. Eveything was going great, we were laughing and seemed like we just clicked. I was thinking "Great, now I might have a mommy to walk with" since I just moved to the area. But then it takes a sudden nose dive into the shallow end...She says to me "My daughter just got her second round of vax, infact she goes to the Dr. tomorrow. Has your dd had all her vax done yet?". I just sat there and stared at her. At first I wasn't quite sure how to respond. I knew I had 2 options. 1. Lie. Avoid confrontation. Conform to society. 2. Tell the truth. Stand up for what I believe in. Advocate.

I chose number 2. It didn't go well. I explained to her that at first I thought I would selectively vax, but the more I researched it and read up on it, I realized that vaxing was not safe for my children. I told her how I felt that it was safer for my dd to not get them, how I believed that she had a higher chance of catching a virus from a vax, then catching it without having a vax. I was completely nice about it, I wasn't trying to make her feel like her decision was wrong and mine was right. I just nicely and calmy explained that I chose not to vax.

Anyways, she looked at me with the most confused face and the biggest eyes I have ever seen and just said "uhhhh o.k., here's your sandwhich. Have a nice day". As if that wasn't bad enough, as I turn my cart around to continue my shopping, I look up and there was a lady standing behind me who had the same deer in the headlights look on her face, and she even had the nerve to shake her head at me, as if I was ignorant and unintelligent.

Yes, they probably talked about it after I left and they probably think I'm a bad mom or that I'm crazy. But it felt good to stand up for what I believe in (and recently just researched and decided not to do). But what a typical moden society mother, huh? This is the EXACT reason that I don't even share my decision with my best friend, family, or my dh coworkers.
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I look at is this way. If they hear it from you and then happen to hear it from others along the way, eventually it won't sound so odd.

I've had the same thing happen.
I'm sorry! I really hate those situations. Just when it seems like you are making a possible friend to hang out with, those issues come up. I have felt that many times and it makes me so sad. I am so proud of the choices I have made for my children and feel very confident I am doing what is best for them, but it is still hard to not have other mommy friends to relate to.

When I was pregnant with my twins (about 36 weeks or so) I saw another pregnant lady in Quiznos. She smiled and asked when I was due and it turned out we were due within days of each other. Then she asked what hospital I was going to and I said I was having a homebirth. She tried to hide her surprise, then excused herself. I am sure she thought I was a terrible mom for putting my baby at risk. It's a good thing I didn't tell her they were twins-she would have really thought I was wacko.
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Oh yeah. I know how you feel. You never know if you should mention things or not. But you know, i have started to feel totally confident in all my decisions and i think my kids speak for themselves. Whether it's AP stuff, vax stuff, homebirth stuff. I am so proud of the way we have chosen to raise them and I've said it before, the proof is in the pudding. Just look at the kids.

We go to a music class every week and i still haven't mentioned i'm having a homebirth and i'm 31 weeks! I actually want to because i'm proud of it, but wonder how it will go over. i think it says alot about the mom you met if she wasn't even open to normal coversation after you mentioned one thing. kwim? I think it says more about others when they react like that, then what your choices are. As a mom, i've learned you've gotta be open minded about life, or you have no choices at all.

In the music class we go to , in the fall i listened how everyone was going to get their flu shots before they ran out again blah blah blah. one mother brought her kids in after a doc appt in the morning and said he'd be crabby cuz he got his shots today. I just sit and listen. But I also have seen that my girls, oldest dd who we stopped all vaxing at 20 months and youngest who is vax free, are by far the healthiest in the class. And also the most interested and tuned into the music and everything there. So I kinda feel confident in that in itself, yk? I was talking to the music teacher a couple weeks ago and i said i was seeing midwives on an unrelated topic, so i know she is curious, since she was a l & d nurse for 15 years!

It's so difficult when you think you've made a friend to have that happen. But sometimes things happen the other way. We went to a playmates house one day for the girls to play and after talking with her it turns out she still nurses and co-slept with her 2 1/2 year old! She was so casual about it I was amazed. Like it just was the right thing. I was floored! so sometimes you get lucky and it goes the other way. I wonder every week if it'll come up that i'm having a homebirth, especially since i'm getting so close. so i'll be interested to see the reaction.
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Just keep in mind that some day she might be prompted to do research and think back fondly on you.

I know that before I had kids I judged Mamas who didn't vax pretty harshly, in fact, I fully vaxed DD (against my better judgement towards the end, but I still hadn't done any research).
I ended up researching the heck out of the subject when I was pg with DS and (as you can see by my sig) am quite anti-vax now

Just wanted to offer another perspective
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Just for some perspective.
I turn 24 this year.
My mother went to bat with the school district about vax.
I know I never got all of them.
The worse illness I've survived was chicken pox.
As you can plainly tell I'm still alive

I chose to get my MMR two years ago.
(I was told that to have children, I had to
Don't let the fear mongerers and weirdos get to you.

FYI The side affecst from the MMR were so shockingly unpleasant.
I hate to think of that torture inflicted on helpless babies.
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ITA with PP's.

You know, sometimes when I feel the temptation to just go with the flow, and the "norms", it always feels like I'm being ashamed of my choices, that I have something to hide.

But I don't dammit! I'm PROUD of what I've chosen for me and my family, and I refuse to slink around like there's anything wrong or shameful. So I've decided to be proud and wear it all on my sleeve.

My mom is old school too, and I had to talk myself blue in the face about our choice to stop all vaxing, but she's slowly coming around. She's very Christian though, so I ended up using the good old "trust what God gave us" argument.
I still get these annoying emails from her from her well-meaning friends though, *sigh*

Though I know it's easy for me to say living where I do. Thank GOD for the Canadian constitution that won't let the govm't force us to vax. I don't know that I'd be so vocal if I were facing the threat of CPS being called on me by the ignoramus's out there.

I agree that if we let the "norm" shame us into hiding, our granola lifestyle will never be accepted. The more we advocate, the more it'll get out there. Not too many years ago, I too was very very mainstream in my parenting ideas, mostly b/c that's the culture I was raised in. I even would argue *for* spanking! *GASP*
Gosh, I was so young and stupid then. I wasn't a parent yet though, so it was easy for me to "justify" things like spanking, vaxing, CIO, etc.

Just think, in the future, perhaps you may have planted that seed in the girl's mind, and she'll come around. At the very least, you gave her something to think about!

Good on ya for deciding to advocate!!
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Thanks, I do feel good about standing up for what I believe in. It was just so disappointing to see people react that way. I was mainstream before I was pregnant, for sure! I even remember my MW asking me, "now Kat, if it ends up being a boy, are you going to keep him intact or circumsize?" and I remember telling her that I wanted to circ because I didn't want him growing up and wondering why he looked different than Daddy. I can assure you that if I have a boy in the future, he will NOT get circ'ed and Daddy will have no problem explaining to him that HE is the normal one and daddy is the one with the injury. I also had just assumed that I would vax. Why? Because that's what the mojority of society is convinced is the "right" thing to do. I finally told my mother today that we have chosen not to vax. She is pretty open minded, and she didn't critisize my decision, but she did mention that getting dd into public school is going to be difficult. My response? Why would I want her in public school anyway? I will probably end up homeschooling, but I am looking into private schools as well.

Oops got side-tracked! Anyways, yes it was very disappointing to think I had met a mommy that I could spend time with, but oh well. I hope I did tweak her curiosity, and hopefully she will do some research about vaxing. And I've decided that I will continue to advocate in what I believe in, because I don't want to be a fake person or hide behind what I think is right just to avoid confrontation. If it bothers someone, let it bother them. Oh well, right? I know that my community that we live in(we just moved here), has a lot of natural living people...Now I just gotta find em!
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This reminded me of something that happened when my first was five. We were playing in the park one day in late summer, he with a little girl he'd met there. They were having a great time, playing and chatting. When her mother came and told her daughter it was time to go my son said, "oh, that's too bad! Where are you going?" And the little girl said, "I have to go get my kindergarten shots." My son was somewhat flummoxed. He asked, "What are kindergarten shots?" And the little girl said, "It's special medication I have to take so I can go to school to learn to read. Don't you have to?!" And my son said, "we homeschool."

"What's that??" asked the little girl.

And so it goes ... Did lead to an interesting discussion with my son, though, to explain the shots.
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Good for you. I don't vaccinate- and I am becoming braver with who I tell.
I do know that that comes with consequences.
The trick is telling someone how you do things without coming off that they are stupid for how they do it. Which is HARD to do- not even cause you think that they are stupid( maybe uninformed) but ya know...
Many parents do not even THINK to not vaccinate- or ask what/ why/ etc.
So when you say you don't cause- xyz- they are like- what in the world-
I am sorry that this lady reacted that way. But good for you!
Maybe next time say- we don't vax our children. Period. If she is interested she can ask you more about it.
Then delve further at a later date- when she finds out how normal you are!
I am proud tho! I am not that brave- and I lie regularly.
Zyla! That's so cute. Funny how our kids view things differently.

Kat - ITA. I really can't stand when people circ "just cause" or "to look like daddy". Well, whoop, what a reason to cut off what God gave a baby boy!! Religious reasons I can understand more.

Regarding the whole vax issue, thankfully it's an easy decision where I live. My mom too was on me about needing shots for school, etc. Nope - not required. Really easy to get an exemption in fact - just have to fill out the form that confirms as parents we're not vaxing for "reasons of conscience". And my kiddos will have to come home if there's an outbreak, so no biggie. Mostly the forms are just there so that they'll know if they're checking these things that you consciously have chosen to skip the shot, not that you just forgot or whatever.

I have to say, I've planted a few seeds of advocacy on the mainstream boards. *ahem* you know the one.....

Funnily enough, sometimes you never know who'll be totally granola. Somehow last time I was at my mom's place, my sis's new BF was there. Well, my mom was warning me how super-conservative and traditional he was, that he might be freaked about me nursing in front of him, etc etc.

Not only was he NOT freaked by me BF'ing while I was there, in fact he was the only one really comfortable looking me right in the eye and continuing our conversation (my parents couldn't even manage this!!), but we got in an interesting discussion about vaxing/not vaxing, and he even mentioned he was CD'ed. How cool is that!!
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I'm really proud of you for standing up for your beliefs. This will probably happen over and over again (it has to me), but that is alright. You know what you are doing, why you are doing it, and you take your responsibilities as a mom very seriously.

Good for you! The more they hear about all the people who don't follow the medical establishment like lemmings, the more they will be aware that there are options...that you can question -- everything -- and that others make other choices.

You're totally right! That was what I was thinking, at least maybe she'll think about it and know that she can question things like vaxing and that not everything your mother tells you is the right thing to do! Ha!

BTW thanks, I'm glad I chose to stand up for what I believe in too. Even though some people think I'm crazy!
(The funny thing, I think they are crazy for cutting off part of their baby boy and loading their newborns with multiple vax!)
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Originally Posted by Kannon99
I look at is this way. If they hear it from you and then happen to hear it from others along the way, eventually it won't sound so odd.

I've had the same thing happen.
That is why we love MDC right! I have grown to like the responses my "informed" parenting choices provoke! I love to think of quick comebacks and won't hesitate to use them. I have learened though it is better to offer only a small amount of info until more is requested by the other mom or dad!
I think there's a fine line between telling people what your choice is and making them feel like they've made the wrong choice. I know that a lot of us feel that getting vaccinations is the wrong choice, but if you say that directly, then you are going to lose a lot of friends and find it hard to make new friends that are moms. It's easier for me to just say what choice I've made, and just say it's a decision based on research I've done.

Shouldn't this thread be moved to the board regarding vaccinations? You might get more useful responses. There's probably not a lot of people seeing it here.
Maybe it should be moved, but I wasn't looking for advise or useful responses, I just wanted to share my story because I thought some of you would get a good laugh at it because I'm sure its happened to many of you.

Maybe I should have expanded on what I said in the beginning, I didn't go into detail from the beginning on why I didn't vax, the lady asked me Why? after I first told her "actually we are choosing not to vax her". That's why I explained it to her. If I lose friends over the choices I make in MY life, then so be it. Obviously they aren't true friends then. I support all of my friends and their decisions, and very few of them are natural mommys like me! We just have those kind of understandings with each other, we just do things differently.
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