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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We are planning our UC. I am not telling anyone before hand, except my very dear friend Whit, of course, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> lol. My inlaws live close and were horrified by my last birth with a midwife.<br>
I don't think I will want to tell them afterward either. What if they cry or yell or who knows what? I have deep self esteem/self worth/ self trust issues. I NEED for people to like me . I have done the most insane things in my life just to get people to like me. We are already the "freaks" of the family and I just don't want to add to the tension. I know dh can't wait to tell. He has none of the issues I have with his family. He knows they don't like us but couldn't care less.<br>
So, those that have had UCs, when did you tell? How did people react, particularly people who are horrified of homebirth? Did you feel good for telling? Do you wish you hadn't told? Anyone not tell and regret it?<br>
Thanks.<br>
Beth
 

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We told the people who would be most likely to be asking in-depth questions about our plans; we didn't feel comfortable being evasive or lying. They all took it relatively well and I <i>thought</i> I had made it clear that I didn't want it getting around. Well, I guess they couldn't stand it and had to gossip about it, because next thing we know is my husband's father is telling us that my husband's uncle (who is a doctor) is concerned. I was SO upset that he had told him, I wanted to keep this low-key and all of a sudden everybody in the family knows. I was afraid someone might actually try to intervene. So for a while there were some tensions because I was pissed at my in-laws for being blabber-mouths, and they were pissed at me because they didn't think they'd done anything wrong, and when tensions run high the truth tends to come out -- they were worried, you know, and so I had to sit down and talk to them about it. This is exactly what I did NOT need in the last week of my pregnancy.<br><br>
But it would have put stress on me as well to lie. In hindsight, I think that it would have been best if I had told them early in the pregnancy and gotten all the crap out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.
 

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We were honest w/most people, but just didn't tell our parents. However, I *didn't* want to lie so w/my mom, she kept asking if we'd found a MW. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"> I kept being evasive and I can't remember exactly when she flat-out asked us, but it wasn't as far into the preg. as I'd hoped!! (I *knew* she'd be the most worried) She had attended our MW assisted HB and never said anything negative about it, though.<br><br>
DH's parents, well, TBH they just didn't get as worried since he would most likely live, KWIM? His mom was concerned because we weren't getting "prenatal care" or "scare" as I like to call it!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> I think for her,it was mostly a image thing, YK? Like only low-class people don't get prenatal care. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br><br>
By far, the hardest thing was my mom. She is not a confrontational person but was SOOO worried due to her training as a RN and working in postpartum in the hospital for years. She was nearly in tears when she confronted us about it, and was so upset. I felt really really bad. She's my mom, you know? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> BUT, we did it.<br><br>
I do wish that we hadn't had to deal w/that, and that she hadn't had to deal w/that much worry. Don't know what else we could've done, other than outright lie and I don't htink that is a good energy to bring into the situation either. I was trying to get so truthful to myself, can't imagine lying. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
I don't know what to tell you other than IMO it is important to be honest. Preparing for a birth like this is a very spiritual experience and I"d say, do the best you can. (not very helpful I'm sure) Is there any chance they won't ask? And they'll just assume you have a MW? I mean, you *do* have a MW--yourself and dh!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I don't know your family as well, it *may* be worth it to lie a little if they are nosey. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
Hope this helped. and Good luck
 

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Well, 2much2luv and my sister are the only ones who know in advance. After the birth, I plan to type up a birth story and email it out to family and friends.<br><br>
I'd think you could be pretty evasive about it to your inlaws, without actually lying, but NOT if DH insists on telling them. If he wants to tell them after the birth, he probably should, otherwise it'll just slip out sometime later. Just make sure that he also is VERY firm about insisting that nobody confront or criticize you on your birth choice. It is HIS job to protect you from your ILs, just as it is your job to protect him from your parents if needed. kwim?
 

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For heaven's sakes do not tell anyone ...<br><br>
If something unforeseen does happen they will be the first to say "I told you so!<br><br>
NOt ver y helpful is it?<br><br>
JUst tell the few people who you can depend on in an emergency or who are definitely supportive of you and go on and do what you want....<br><br>
Then everyone will know eventually anyway.
 

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I was completely honest with everyone. It was MY choice and MY body so if they don't like it TOO BAD. LOL. I am known for being stubborn (although I prefer to think of it as confident in my decisions<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> ) so no one really bothered trying to convince me otherwise. I refuse to apologize for my decisions, or to plead my case but am always open to answering anyone's questions honestly. I also just don't like to lie, so hiding the fact wouldn't work. Things went beautifully! Now even my dad (who was the most scared of my choice) is bragging about his strong daughter LOL. My family and IL's couldn't wait for the details, and even people I hardly know are so excited by my birth. I guess it comes down to whatever you are comfortable with <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
Laurie
 

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I'm only 9 weeks, but have been planning a UC for a year now. The only person that I have a hard time keeping the truth from is my mother. We talk everyday and tell each other a lot, even though I think I tell her more. I first started trying to tell her about UC last October and she didn't want to hear it. She was at my MW attended HB and thinks that the MW was the only person that could have taken care of the complications, even though I believe the complications wouldn't have occurred if there wasn't a MW. She doesn't want to hear it. Lately, I've been trying to get her to quit taking Hormone Replacement Therapy, because she's had 2 lumps removed and I believe the HRT caused them. She told me to leave her to her estrogen and she'll leave me alone about my birthing practices. The other thing right now is that she lives near my step-sister who is pregnant and runs to the OB every chance she gets, who by the way, had a c-section the last time because of someone's golf schedule.<br><br>
When people have asked if we are seeing a MW yet, I just say that we are waiting until we get into the next trimester to make any decisions. I kind of told my MIL about it and she was only concerned about who woulld cut the cord!!!!!!!!! I cracked up.<br><br>
I've got to come to peace with my mom. She's been very negative to me lately and I have to try to distance myself a lot. It's not just me-her life is crazy, but I guess I don't help. My baby, my body right. I know that I can't lie to her. Everyone else I can, but not her. I'm glad I'm not alone here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks for all your answers.<br>
Honesty is important to me, but not completely open honesty. I don't want to outright lie but to let them assume we are having a midwife is fine with me. My ILs tend to backbite and gossip more than actually talk to a person about things so I am hoping it won't even come up. It did come up with MIL but she asked her question well (Does your midwife live in Salida?...Yup, she sure does.) so we didn't outright lie. We will most likely just avoid the subject until it is over. I serously doubt it will come up. Then I'll see how I feel after it is over. If I am still feeling sensitive and fragile I may just request dh not to tell anyone yet. I will wait until I am ready and then let everyone know. Maybe when we live far away. lol<br>
Beth
 

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I was delivered by my father (oh yeah, and my mom!) and he did not tell his family. I realized this at our family reunion when I was 4 mos pg and told everyone, "I was thinking maybe I'd like to deliver the baby with only dh present, like mom and dad did when they had me" and was met by a roomful of shocked looks. It never occured to me that he wouldn't have told them! His mother gave him a disgusted look.<br><br>
One could always make it sound like it wasn't planned - like, you just couldn't make it to the hospital in time. Don't say you were going with a midwife and then she never showed up; too many people don't trust midwives as it is.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I know, say you had a DOCTOR and he didn't show up!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Don't say you were going with a midwife and then she never showed up; too many people don't trust midwives as it is.</td>
</tr></table></div>
That is a very very good point that I hadn't thought of. I will be sure not to say that.
 

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We told my mother, but only because she had recently gotten very interested in living more naturally (she was dating a chiropractor), and she and I had talked about different things like homebirth and not vaccing and stuff like that. She was very supportive. We did not tell anyone else until one day my dad was asking, "So, when does the midwife come?" And my husband says, "What midwife? We're doing this by ourselves!" He didn't say anything then but he told my mom he was afraid something would happen and they'd take all of our children away. She told him it wasn't illegal to have a homebirth! Afterwards, people were shocked. My in-laws would have been VERY worried, that's why we didn't tell them. But I think the funniest thing was that everyone thought my husband was forcing me to do this, when it was all my idea!<br><br>
I would only tell the people you're comfortable with having them know and that will be supportive of you.
 
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