UGH! I am TOTALLY a bad mother!!!

852 Views 12 Replies 12 Participants Last post by tboroson, Jun 28, 2004

lovemygirl

Discussion Starter · Jun 26, 2004

OK so my dd was nursing this evening... (she is almost 3) . She nurses 1-2 times a day sometimes goes 1-2 days without even asking. No biggie. She has started that weaning process. I am 6.5 months pregnant and nursing is not too comfy for me anymore so I had to limit her time at the breast. She does really well with this as some days, as I mentioned, she doens't even ask to nurse.

Ok to make a long story short, she was nursing tonight as I said. She went back and forth a few times and then I said --ok that is it--we are all done now. 99.9% of the time that is ok with her too. But she wasn't happy and started to whine and cry a little. I said "honey that is all we can do right now." She wasn't too thrilled and then I said, ok just 10 seconds on this side (I had forgotten to do that this time so I gave in and said 10 more seconds).

She latched on and then chomped down with her teeth really, really hard and wouldn't let go! She was really hurting me bad and so I jammed two fingers in her mouth to try to pry her teeth from my breast...she just clamped down harder... I was sort of reclining with my big old pregnant belly on the couch so it was hard to get any leverage and I wasn't being successful getting her teeth to unlock from my nipple so I reached to the back of her head and pulled her hair.....

It got her off of my nipple and she was SO shocked that I did that--me and dh NEVER EVER hit her or use any kind of physcial punishment---or any punishment for that matter on her/to her. She looked at me and said 'you pulled my hair?!!!' Like with utter and complete disbeleif and shock in her voice. I started bawling...I said I know... she asked me why... I said, (while crying and tears coming down my face),..."because you were biting mommy and it really hurt and that was the only thing I could do to get your teeth off of me." She then got sad and actually said, I'm sorry Mommy. And then I said I am sorry too.

I am not trying to justify my actions but I didn't yank her head or pull any hair out, just pulled on her hair enough to get her off of me. I couldn't think of what else to do... those little jaws are really strong!!

I *know* I was completely wrong for doing this to her. I felt/feel HORRIBLE!

But what *should* I have done? Should I have just prevented it in the first place by not giving her the second chance...the 10 more seconds that always works? Or should I have found a gentler way to pry her teeth from me...I don't think the latter would have been possible though because I WAS trying my hardest to get her teeth off of my nipple. This isn't the first time she has bitten me like this when she is angry or being wild. But it doens't happen too often. Usually just using my fingers to get her off of me works, but not this time.

HELP! Please seasoned GD experts, advise me!! I am totally beating myself up for this and do *not* want her fear me and that I will phsyically hurt her. I am so sad right now.

Thanks

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Liz

· #2 · Jun 26, 2004

Please don't beat yourself up over this. This stuff happens and the most important thing is that you apologised and talked it out with her. I think it is SO important that kids see that we are not perfect. And that we can mess up and admit it. She will now really understand that two wrongs don't make a right, ya know? I have found that these instances bring my son and I closer together, they don't create mistrust at all because I admit I did the wrong thing and we talk about what I should have done and he really enjoys being on the other side for a change - "You shouldn't have done that, Mummy!" In your case, maybe you could have just screamed in pain, really let her know how much she is hurting you? Ask her what she thinks you should have done to get her to let go.

I am just cringing thinking about how much that must have hurt!

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LoveBeads

· #3 · Jun 26, 2004

ITA with Liz. Don't beat yourself up. Lots of parents would not have been able to pull it together to discuss it and apologize - I think you did a great job.

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manitoba_mommy

· #4 · Jun 26, 2004

You know what? I likely would have done the same thing, or started screaming for her to let go at the top of my lungs! Kids jaws are strong and it realy does hurt when they bite out of anger. I have even heard of people needing stitched from a simular incident.

You reacted, then you explaind your reaction and she understood. Sometimes people have primal reactions to extreme pain and lash out at the one causing the pain. You could have done far worse and I don't see, realisticaly, how you could have reacted much better.

Don't beat yourself up for being a mere mortal.

MM

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LoveBugMama

· #5 · Jun 26, 2004

Don`t feel soo bad, mama!!

Ofcourse we try our hardets to never, ever hurt of children. Ofcourse you now feel bad. But what else could you have done?

Noone thinks completely straight when in pain. Not even a mama.

And you apologized and talked to her about it afterwards.

And I totally agree with manitoba_mommy`s post, too!

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pamelamama

· #6 · Jun 26, 2004

It's completely natural response for you to respond this way to pain. Don't make yourself crazy about it ok?

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Yarnia

· #7 · Jun 27, 2004

Hey,
Same thing happened to me except I was asleep! I woke up with this vise grip on my nipple that wouldn't let go. I was desperately trying to pry her off and out of reflex popped the top of her head (not hard) kinda like you'd do if the cat really chomped down on you ( no no I don't beat the cat )
Anyway, she sat up and with her hand on her head and looked at me like I was crazy! I apologized and we both went back to sleep. No harm done.

I think it's o.k. to explain to kids the effects of their own violence. My dd bit me yesterday, so when she saw the mark and thought it was a big bite, I made sure she knew it was a KID bite, inflicted on me when she was mad. I was not upset, and was sure to tell her it didn't hurt anymore. She kissed it

and tried to make it better.

Your response was reasonable I think. What else could you do?

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kama'aina mama

· #8 · Jun 27, 2004

I think you need to issue yourself a "get out of jail free" card on this one. You aren't even close to a totally bad mother!

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monkey's mom

· #9 · Jun 27, 2004

Dude, it's your NIPPLE!!!!!!!!! That shit hurts!!

I think you handled the whole thing great--you explained, she understands why you freaked, and you were both able to make amends.

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indiegirl

· #10 · Jun 27, 2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkey's mom
Dude, it's your NIPPLE!!!!!!!!! That shit hurts!!

I think you handled the whole thing great--you explained, she understands why you freaked, and you were both able to make amends.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Jesse

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azyre

· #11 · Jun 27, 2004

wow, I think you did the right/necessary thing! Just as she deserves respect and bodily integrity, so do you. You need that nipple! You didn't use excessive force, and what you tried first didn't work.

It's not a nice event, but I think her reaction shows that you are doing a great job. She felt genuine shock at being handled like that, and that is good! It should be shocking, it means she hasn't become accustomed to it, and doesn't expect it, as she shouldn't. She also expressed regret at hurting you, which I think is great too. You both apologised, both were genuinely regretful about what had occured - but your reaction seems in proportion to the act and as such the event is over and done with, yk? Except for sad mama feelings *hugs*

Another thing - if someone is trying to hurt her she has had an experience where her mother had to do something out of character and extreme to stop it happening. She understood that in context. That knowledge can help protect her. I do not want to set an example where I show that I can be hurt and not defend myself enough to have it stop.

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lovemygirl

Discussion Starter · #12 · Jun 28, 2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by azyre
Another thing - if someone is trying to hurt her she has had an experience where her mother had to do something out of character and extreme to stop it happening. She understood that in context. That knowledge can help protect her. I do not want to set an example where I show that I can be hurt and not defend myself enough to have it stop.

Awesome point azyre! I didn't even think of it this way. She kinda is passive when it comes to other kids and them like taking stuff from her. Not that I want her to haul off and hit them,

but I do want her to assert herself in some situations especially if she is being physically harmed---but then again I dont' want her being the town bully either!! :LOL I have to find some happy medium!

Thanks everyone for your responses! Nipple is still tender but hopefully it won't happen again. I dont' want to repeat that situation!

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tboroson

· #13 · Jun 28, 2004

Actually, if I were you, I'd commend myself for reacting in a fairly mild way to sudden and intense pain. That kind of thing has nothing to do with thoughts of punishment or retribution or correction. It's instinctual and is simply "make the pain stop NOW." I did the same thing once. Talia was sitting on my lap playing, and started biting at my clothing. She went to bite my shirt and caught my breast HARD - she ended up leaving a *huge* blood blister. Before my brain could react, reflex did, and I swatted at her just like I would a biting fly or mosquito. I got her on the cheek. Not very hard - I didn't crack her a good one or anything, it was about the same force you'd use to swat a bug. Surprised her good, but didn't make her cry or anything, thank goodness. I felt bad, but you know what? She never did it again...

So, mama, you're not the only one. And, again, it was an understandable reflex to pain and not a disciplinary move. So, don't worry about it.

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