[Ceinwen]

So, on the heels of my 'summer vacation specifics' thread comes this lovely whine.

It's already sinking in, exactly what I've signed up for.

Exdp has already got our six year old cranked with excitement for their summer vacation together. Camping, Wonderland in TO, taking the big ferry to the Island, etc. etc.

I don't even get holidays this summer. While 75% of me is just happy and excited for dd, the other 25% is sick at heart. It just, well - hurts, kwim?

He gets to be weekend fun dad, movies and bowling and eating out, summer vacation fun at the beach, etc., while I'm the one dragging her kicking and screaming (and her one year old sister) out of bed to get ready for school/daycare.

The fun stuff is going to be limited around here because a) I have no money and b) I'm so burnt out that fun consists of everyone getting ready for bed without a screaming match.

I do have lots of help and support from my family, so that's a total bonus. It's just that now the ink is dry on the paperwork and exdp is moving on (in a big way - already has a girlfriend) that I'm left wiping up the spills and changing dirty diapers.

What a total complainer, eh? I knew what I was signing up for when I chose to be the residential parent... I just wish there was more glory and less guts.

 

[BabyBearsMummy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceinwen He gets to be weekend fun dad, movies and bowling and eating out, summer vacation fun at the beach, etc., while I'm the one dragging her kicking and screaming (and her one year old sister) out of bed to get ready for school/daycare.

Ceinwen you hit the nail on the head daddy will be seen as fun daddy but your girls will understand that you are their rock. They will also recognize the sacrifices you made for them and that instead of trying to win their love by being fun daddy he could have helped you out more so everyone could have had even more fun.

As for his moving on so quickly dont let it bother you when people dont take time to heal and self discover after a relationship they take the same negative patterns into the new relationship. Knowing this fact cause me to worry about the my daughter's baby sister and step-sister but I have no control over the situation and I am hoping for the best for the little girls.

 

[meandmine]

You put it well ... all the guts and none of the glory!

Sorry it is rough and unfair. Unfair sucks! And not just for kids.

M

 

[robinchap1]

Hugs. Agree with the other posters. Your girls are going to know who they can count on in life.

An idea, though. Try to make some fun time for you and the girls. Just here and there... let go of the grind if you can. Who cares if the laundry isn't done, the house is a mess, the kids don't get baths. Pack up a picnic of PB&J and a blanket and go let them run around. Laugh with them. One trick I have when I'm at my breaking point is finding an excuse to tickle DS until he is laughing uncontrollably. There is something about that laugh and smile... hearing and seeing his joy... it helps!

You don't have to have lots of money or time or even creativity to create some fun for you and them this summer. Make popcorn and have a movie night with blankets on the couch. Put 1/2 a bottle of bubble bath in the tub and let them soak the bathroom if they want!

They will probably remember times like those just as much if not more than the fancy stuff they do with dad.

This isn't to downplay how hard it is. Vent away. You DO have all of the guts.

Hang in there.

 

[Ceinwen]

You ladies are the best!

Thank you so much for replying and being both compassionate, and giving me useful tips!

Quote:

Try to make some fun time for you and the girls. Just here and there... let go of the grind if you can. Who cares if the laundry isn't done, the house is a mess, the kids don't get baths. Pack up a picnic of PB&J and a blanket and go let them run around. Laugh with them. One trick I have when I'm at my breaking point is finding an excuse to tickle DS until he is laughing uncontrollably. There is something about that laugh and smile... hearing and seeing his joy... it helps!

I really appreciate the reminder.

I turn into a bit of a drill sargent sometimes because I'm consumed with making sure the house runs smoothly; I have to remember that's not the most important thing ~to~ the girls. It'd do us all a lot of good if I could relax sometimes, have more fun!

Part of my annoyance was that I told exdp I would give him a break on the first month of child support (we'll be okay without it) while he set up his new place. Some people think this is an awful idea, but I had my reasons...

It's important to me that the girls have similar living arrangements in both homes. In terms of simple things like beds, furniture, etc. On his current salary, we're doing great - but for him to pay first and last rent, plus buy things for the new place, plus pay child support...

So now he goes and gets our six year old freaking out about water parks and camping - I pretty much bluntly told him that if he thinks I'm giving him a break on child support so he can use that money for a vacation, forget it.

He agreed and apparently he was only asking her what kind of fun things she'd ~like~ to do this summer. I had to explain that asking her (at this age) is the same as indicating you're doing it. So all three of us had a talk about 'making plans' and 'discussing things', lol.

 

[DogwoodFairy]

I've thought a lot about your original post in the last few days because I really identified with it. Though my ds is too young to understand the "Daddy is funner than Mama" thing quite yet, I think I'm going to have quite a battle here with my stbx.

How do most people handle the competitive parenting factor with the ex partner? My stbx is ALL about "buying" ds's love in terms of showering him with expensive (and sometimes inappropriate) toys, mainly to make sure ds has a reason to love/like/enjoy him. I cant imagine this will get better with time...

Then there's this really weird behavior that stbx engages in while talking to ds on the phone nightly (this is the only contact he has w/ds right now). Stbx will be talking away, and he'll say, "Do you miss this, buddy?" And he'll honk the horn on the really cool ride-on car that ds absolutely cherishes at his dad's house. Of course, ds looks at me, looks around, and gets excited, thinking I've got the car hiding in the closet or something, and cries when he realizes he cant have it/its not available. I have told stbx NOT to do that, it is not helpful, and it does not help ds in any way.

I know stbx just wants to make sure ds really misses him (which is wrong on several levels, but I wont go there), and feels he can only assure that ds misses him if ds is missing his toys. Stbx also has told ds "we'll buy you a tractor when you come back to Daddy's house", "Daddy has your very own snowmobile here", etc, etc. I dont know if he's talking about REAL tractor (though I think he did buy ds a real snowmobile last winter

), maybe he's referring to ride-on kid toys, but either way, he's really only trying to create some artificial relationship with his son based on the crap he can by him that would be irresistible to any kid. And he's 18 months old!!!

Anyway, sorry to hijack with my own rant, just wanted to say I identify, sympathize, and am wondering how to constructively deal with this - now and in the future. Oh, and I'm glad he wasnt using your generosity w/child support reduction to go vacationing. That really peeved me when I read the 1st post. Phew.

 

[Ceinwen]

Oh MP.

That is really twisted re: honking the car horn and getting your ds excited. I sincerely hope that he doesn't realize what he's doing (your ex) and stops when you tell him to.

I'm trying really hard not to be the bitter ex, but the more I think about it the more irritated I feel. Maybe this is part of the healing process? You know denial, anger, sadness, etc.

The part you mentioned about how he's ensuring your ds will miss him by providing toys, etc. is absolutely going to happen here too. Exdp already stated that he's buying a Nintendo Wii as soon as he moves out - something my six year old has been coveting.

Hopefully he does this ~after~ he buys a crib for dd2.

On top of all this, exdp's parents live comfortably and I know they're going to be willing to finance pretty much whatever expenditures he has re: the two girls.

So, my plan right now is to have fun on my own terms in whatever ways I can with my two girls, reinforce our values here at home, and especially work on being emotionally removed from the situation.

Barring anything unsafe, what exdp does on his time with the kids is beyond my control (as per a reminder from my therapist, lol) and if I want to keep the lines of communication open regarding the important things... sigh.

I'm feeling really chapped today though because he's informed me that his mother is doing this super special, super cool, blah blah blah - Tinkerbell room for the girls at his new place. I don't have two cents to rub together (I mean, we're okay - but no extra for that!) and now this...

Oops, bitter times two.

ETA - I just reread my post and I'm all over the place!

Definitely the product of therapy, or I'd just be ranting and raving. I'm ~trying~ to be cool about all this, because the only one who pays for my angst is me, kwim?

That's what my mother reminds me of - when I get all freaked out and worked up and losing my mind, I'm only punishing myself. This isn't stuff I bring up with him, it'd already make his fat head (ie. big ego) that much bigger.

The biggest thing I have to cling to is that (as promised by so many who have BTDT) the girls will someday realize and appreciate the fact that I busted a hump taking care of them, and that while I hope they always love and have a great relationship with their dad - that I was the one who was there for them always; a rock and a soft place to fall. Here's hoping...

 

[Momtwice]

If your ex and his parents are focusing on the gifts, the toys, the vacations, the big toy truck, the Fabulosity of the Tinkerbelle room...at the expense of a real relationship....

then there is one thing that you have that they do not.

A deep and meaningful relationship with your child, rather than a shallow one.

In 20 years the glitter and the toys will be forgotten but your relationship with your child, God (or insert spiritual term of your choice if that doesn't offend you

) willing, will still be a source of joy to you.

 

[singin'intherain]

:

I don't care to much for money!
Money can't buy me love!

Ha ha! I was just remembering my best friend in high school. Both of her parents were alcoholics, and her household was very dysfunctional. Her mom used to try to "make up" for the sloppy drunk fights and crying jags by taking her out to the mall. Of course she saw right through that! Kids know what love, and caring, and dependability feel like!

You'll see, over the years your ex will drop the ball on providing a continuous stream of lavish gifts, and then the lack of connection will stand out like a sore thumb. Just sit back and let his foolish behavior speak for itself. Or, maybe he'll grow to understand these things himself, and begin being the father your kids need! That would be ideal.

 

[DogwoodFairy]

Well, outside of my stbx doing things to hurt ds (like the horn thing on the phone - which is completely and totally intentional, BTW - he KNOWS ds cries, because he can hear it, and he says, "I know, buddy, you really miss daddy, huh?") - I dont really care too much about the gifts unless they are inappropriate. And really, my son is the one who benefits, though the toys arent given by me, he is still on the receiving end of so many cool toys I could never afford (like the ride-on car, its a vintage metal car with flames painted on it, SO cool!).

I try very hard to be grateful that ds gets the expensive stuff that I cant afford, though he can only enjoy it at his dad's house. But then again, lacking a meaningful relationship with his father, I should be doubly grateful for the "stuff" because I know ds will have fun and enjoy the toys and "stuff", if nothing else, when he's separated from me.

I know the Tinkerbell Room makes you feel sad that #1 - you cant give that to her because of your budget, and #2 - she will somehow think badly of you because of that.

But I dont think you should stress on it - try to be as matter of fact about the extras she gets at Dad's, and even excited for her (If you can summon it up

). If kids sense our sadness, they feel they are the cause of it, and she will definitely not be able to fully enjoy it if she senses you feel sad about it. Anyway, thats the gist of my own emotion about all of the crap my stbx buys...if only I could get him to stop trying to use manipulation to make ds love him/miss him. Obviously shows you what kind of relationship he has with his son, and has since day 1. Gah.

 

[sweetc]

One month out this is where I was too... daddy is fun, mommy is nag. But, now, almost 18 months out, I trust myself, and my children.

I am honored that I get the day-to-day time with them. The regular, everyday, get up get dressed eat breakfast go to school come home do your chores play eat dinner and go to bed time with them. It isn't the same as the weekend play and have fun time they have with their daddy, but it is the time that I have with them and I make the most of it. I try to stay present in the moment and give them the everyday balance and love that they truly need. And within that we find play and fun and it is wonderful.

Blessings to you as you travel this path. It isn't easy, but is can be joyful and full of love and light.

 

[Ceinwen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetc One month out this is where I was too... daddy is fun, mommy is nag. But, now, almost 18 months out, I trust myself, and my children. I am honored that I get the day-to-day time with them. The regular, everyday, get up get dressed eat breakfast go to school come home do your chores play eat dinner and go to bed time with them. It isn't the same as the weekend play and have fun time they have with their daddy, but it is the time that I have with them and I make the most of it. I try to stay present in the moment and give them the everyday balance and love that they truly need. And within that we find play and fun and it is wonderful. Blessings to you as you travel this path. It isn't easy, but is can be joyful and full of love and light.

Thank you for this, it means a lot.

And MP - I totally agree re: trying to be happy for them. I think that would help me be in a better place mentally all around to work on that...

 

[Jposey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy Ceinwen you hit the nail on the head daddy will be seen as fun daddy but your girls will understand that you are their rock. They will also recognize the sacrifices you made for them and that instead of trying to win their love by being fun daddy he could have helped you out more so everyone could have had even more fun. As for his moving on so quickly dont let it bother you when people dont take time to heal and self discover after a relationship they take the same negative patterns into the new relationship. Knowing this fact cause me to worry about the my daughter's baby sister and step-sister but I have no control over the situation and I am hoping for the best for the little girls.

VERY well said! ITA! My ex and i both talked about resenting our fathers for being disneyland dads and how it would have been much better if theyd help to make things easier on our moms.... another reason we vowed (duh) to never get divorced...

:

he moved on though------ before he even told me he wanted a divorce. had an affair and is still with the girl now. my kids visit there and his mistress has a HUGE influence in his parenting (she's often the one caring for them while X is working on cars or whatever... ugh) and of course she was a nanny for 5 kids one summer in high school... that means she knows that CIO and corner time and refusing to let DSs eat if they dont like whats for dinner are best.... UGH!

sorry i turned this into my own rant.... to the op- i know exactly how you feel... and tothe poster i quoted... thanks for your comments... those are 2 things i desperately need to remember!!!

 

[pinetree]

I hear you.

Thought ex's idea of "fun with the kids" is picking out a movie and watching it in stages with them while they're over.

The hurtful part was hearing them tell me that daddy snuggles them to sleep at night while I'm nursing and doing homework and catching up on housework while trying to get to bed on time since I know I'll be nursing all night.

They're smart though and are figuring it out already. It hurts me that he wouldn't spend time with them even though he had an unlimited schedule until the courts cut his parenting time down to eow and midweek visit.... he had to be court ordered to spend time with his children and now tries desperately to be the "fun" dad who buys the cool stuff.

 

[Ceinwen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jposey he moved on though------ before he even told me he wanted a divorce. had an affair and is still with the girl now. my kids visit there and his mistress has a HUGE influence in his parenting (she's often the one caring for them while X is working on cars or whatever... ugh) and of course she was a nanny for 5 kids one summer in high school... that means she knows that CIO and corner time and refusing to let DSs eat if they dont like whats for dinner are best.... UGH!

This is close to my situation. Exdp and I had originally agreed to not introduce anyone to the girls before around six months of dating (to make sure it was serious); it was totally a mutual agreement as he was nervous about what guys I'd bring home

and how much time they'd be spending with his girls.

Oddly enough, now that he's seeing the girl he started talking to while we were still married... it doesn't seem to apply anymore. He gets very snarky and defensive if I mention it. So, what will be, will be. My sirens go off though; apparently this other woman is in her thirties, can't have kids, etc.

Exdp has a very stable career right now, has a nice vehicle - and two small children. Even he said he's nervous that she thinks 'instant family' but isn't willing to slow it down with her.

:

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinetree They're smart though and are figuring it out already. It hurts me that he wouldn't spend time with them even though he had an unlimited schedule until the courts cut his parenting time down to eow and midweek visit.... he had to be court ordered to spend time with his children and now tries desperately to be the "fun" dad who buys the cool stuff.

Again, similar. Do you think I could get him to lift a hand to help with the kids on weekends or nights? While I was working twelves/shiftwork, dealing with a special needs kiddo? Yeah right. However, now he's 'super dad' - going to spend some quality time with the kiddoes, ya know?

G!d help me.