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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I talked to my ex a week or so ago about me trying to request half of daycare, extracurricular activities, school tuition, etc and it didn't go that well. Not that I thought it was going to go fantabulous either <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
So this is his argument, in a year ill be making substantially more than he'll be making and it's not fair for me to request these things on top of him paying his CS. For the past 3 years i've been paying daycare all by myself, clothes, extracurricular activities, etc. Usually his CS only covers food for her per month.<br><br>
He doesnt know, but for this summer I got a job that pays almost double what he earns income wise. So she'll still have to be in daycare in the summer (usually i take her out when my semester ends and their school year ends so we have the summer all to ourselves and I just stick to taking night classess and my friend watches her)<br><br>
Getting to the point.... would you pursue splitting (1/2 or based on a percentage of income) fees and whatnot because you've been paying them by yourself for so long and would really appriciate some help or would you just accept that he cannot pay what I pay for (even though by some miracle i've always found a way to acquire money for these things) and just accept that for the remainder of her life, she'll be financially dependant upon me and just to accept it and stop pursuing it alltogether?<br><br>
Oh and if it helps, the reason why i didnt do this any sooner is that I really didn't' even have any spare money to get my lawyer and petition the courts. Now since I got the new job, i'll finally have some money I can start saving so petitioning and getting my lawyer back will not be that hard financially.
 

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Be careful, though! If you're going to a higher paying job, if your state works on a percentage of income formula he might end up paying LESS CS than he is now. Speak to a lawyer first, or run the numbers on one of the CS calculators.<br><br>
Usually, daycare is on top of CS, but only extraordinary expenses (big medical expenses, etc) are separate -- those are supposed to come out of CS. Your state should have a calculator on line.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Our state doesnt take my income into consideration at all. Thankfully I checked into that before even approaching him. They only take his income, insurance, and alimony payments into consideration<br><br>
He knows im working (right now i work PT just to pay for daycare and her activities) one job which pays lower than his job right now, but i'll start another job in May which will be the BIG financial boost I need.
 

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My ex and I have in our agreement that we pay based on percentage of income. Right now his income is 90% more than mine, so he covers most costs. However, when I start working, I'm sure it will become more even and if I was making more than him, I'd be happy to pay a larger percentage of the costs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MsChatsAlot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7992281"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My ex and I have in our agreement that we pay based on percentage of income. Right now his income is 90% more than mine, so he covers most costs. However, when I start working, I'm sure it will become more even and if I was making more than him, I'd be happy to pay a larger percentage of the costs.</div>
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That's exactly how i feel. I have no problem even paying percentages (which is what i'm sure he'll insist on b/c he knows im going to graduate next year and make almost tripple his current salary) but I just don't even want to waste my time and money if it's not even somewhat reasonable for me to request this.<br><br>
I just really don't want to rock the boat if i'm not sure that this will even be considered in court. I've already got him threatning to work under the table in order to dodge CS. I really don't want to push the envelope, but i also am finally just at a point where I can admit that I can't do this all by myself anymore. There just isn't enough money.
 

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I guess it's one of the those judgemental calls.<br><br>
How much time and effort is it worth to you to get him to pay his percentage? Is it the principle of it...or does it really not matter?<br><br>
I have given up things in the past for ease of life. But, only you can decide what feels right for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MsChatsAlot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7992372"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I guess it's one of the those judgemental calls.<br><br>
How much time and effort is it worth to you to get him to pay his percentage? Is it the principle of it...or does it really not matter?<br><br>
I have given up things in the past for ease of life. But, only you can decide what feels right for you.</div>
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Totally valid. I just hate fighting and I hate arguing and i especially hate going to court (we haven't been there since the initial agreement was filed 4 years ago). I guess the big reason is that nothing is "civil" anymore between us. Before, I always felt really bad about even thinking of taking "more" money from him or he'd talk me out of it claiming how much money he doesn't have (<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> like i have a money tree stashed around here).<br><br>
I've been thinking about taking him back to court for YEARS for this. I just wasn't able to financially do it. This has been in my head for a while and since were not really "civil" anymore, I really dont' feel like there is anything we could potentially lose that would impact our civility towards our daughter.<br><br>
Maybe that doesn't make sense, but i was willing to swallow the financial aspects of taking care of her as long as we were civil towards each other and both agreed that we'd put DD first no matter what. That isn't really happening anymore unfortunately. I guess I finally just don't feel guilty about taking him back to court again. I just want to make sure that I have a somewhat valid claim before I go back in because I remember how emotionally draining the entire court process was.
 

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If you have the claim I'd go do it. It's funny how money always comes in handy somewhere along the line, and you'll probably be glad you did. Just check with a lawyer first to make sure it won't bite you in the rear.
 

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okay first off you aren't making that money right now so don't count it.<br>
I say go based on the guidlines for your state and prorate it to income.<br>
So this year lets say he made equal money he can pay half of daycare<br>
next year you make double what he does you pay for 66% then.<br><br>
my first ex and I have always agreed to go by guidlines only, I don't ask or didn't ask him for more than the formulas said, x for child support based on pretax income, and the percentage based on last years salary. You could also just ask for $400 bucks more and 'never ask for extra expenses unless they are extreme above that' have the cushion amount cover that.<br><br>
also you making 2x the income isn't really 2x his disposable income... if I didn't have kids I could rent a room from a friend for 300 bucks, bike to work......not have to have a home, and all the other stuff. I think we try to be fair and "take" as little money "from them" as possible. Remember one day the shoe can be on the other foot, what would you think was fair if you were the noncustodial parent? My dd lives with her dad, always following guildlines saved me when I stayed home with the boys as I only had to pay the guildeline % not actual expenses.<br>
Good luck!
 

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I don't have any personal experience with this, but when my sister went to court the judge figured support based on income and what was needed to provide for her daughter. He ordered her ex to pay half of daycare expenses (and later private school expenses) as a seperate issue.
 

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I would go after whatever my child is entitled to as long as you don't end up getting the short end of the stick due to income, I would go forth and find out what provisions he has to make for her.<br><br>
In this state the other parent has 3 responsibilities as far as the Friend of the Court can see. They are: child support, medical support and child care. Period. They should have to pay as well. It is not just mama's job to take care of those expenses.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shiloh</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7995520"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">also you making 2x the income isn't really 2x his disposable income... if I didn't have kids I could rent a room from a friend for 300 bucks, bike to work......not have to have a home, and all the other stuff. I think we try to be fair and "take" as little money "from them" as possible. Remember one day the shoe can be on the other foot, what would you think was fair if you were the noncustodial parent? My dd lives with her dad, always following guildlines saved me when I stayed home with the boys as I only had to pay the guildeline % not actual expenses.<br>
Good luck!</div>
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Thank you!!! I didn't even look at it like that.<br><br>
I'm so happy to see that im somewhat justified. I just need to call my lawyer and make an appt and see what he says. I'm so glad to know that it's not terribly unreasonable for me to request these things. He made it sound like I had 932874982374 heads when I brought it up.
 

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yep don't look at is as if you are 'asking for money' just look to clarify how much of a % of her extra expenses you should be covering, and how much should he...and what 'extra expenses' are and what they aren't.<br><br>
once its in black and white then there's nothing to haggle about...<br>
well hopefully <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> as it would cost money for him not to pay his share.
 

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I can see day care expenses....but school tuition he can and should be able to argue if this school is your choice not his. Same as with some extracurricular activities. (I'm thinking of children I know that do sports, dance, church, scouts, et and one parent wants to limit those activities. I am also thinking of a Jewish man that was asked to pay for Catechism classes by ex.)<br><br>
As your income goes up, his percentage might go down.<br><br>
I agree with Shiloh. But at the same time it might not be as cheap for him to live being single. I have known people force to get two-tree bedroom homes so they could have "proper" visitation. Dad sleeping on the friend's couch and kids in dad room wasn't acceptable by court. Not having custody doesn't always mean not having to maintain enough room for that person. If he has to maintain a space plus pay you child support and day care he could actually have even less money than you think and depending on his income this could be devistating.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Marsupialmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7996686"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can see day care expenses....but school tuition he can and should be able to argue if this school is your choice not his. Same as with some extracurricular activities. (I'm thinking of children I know that do sports, dance, church, scouts, et and one parent wants to limit those activities. I am also thinking of a Jewish man that was asked to pay for Catechism classes by ex.)</div>
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I don't mind paying percentages. I'd just like for him to help contribute something.<br><br>
He's already pulling the "you didn't let me pick" daycare/preschool song and dance. I asked for his recomendations (he has little sisters) and I did go and visit them and invited him to come along with me. She unfortunately was bad mouthing him and I didn't feel comfortable with my child being in that situation. I made sure I told him where I was going when we were searching for a daycare, he never came nor did he seem to give a poo about it then. That was 3 years ago!!!!<br><br>
Now he's basically saying if he'd be ordered to pay half, she would have to leave the facility she's at and find a "cheaper" place. FTR, in my area, her school is pretty average. She's been there for almost 3 years now <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: It's her 2nd family. I can't imagine being forced to pull her out b/c he wants to find a cheaper place to watch her. It takes her forever to get acclimated to new settings.
 

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I'd just do some research get a quote from other daycares (liscenced of course) and lets say dd is 100 bucks more you could offer to pay the extra.<br>
Or for things like dance lessons, you pay for ballet he gets to pick, pay and manage another lesson <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
I can see about parents not being forced to pay for summer camp, daycare if they could have the kids at the same time. We worked out half summer he can put her into whatever camps he wants to pay for during that time, I can or not my choice.<br><br>
Maybe its also wise not to ask him to pay but put the questions back to him, ask him what his suggestions are if he's interested in lowering costs.... men don't do leg work like you mentioned but if he's prepared to find a swim class thats fifty bucks cheaper let him.<br><br>
Make it clear you are prepared to be flexible on some things but lord have mercy don't think about moving the kid from a preschool she's been at for years she's suffered enough losses.
 

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<i><b>If I didn't have kids I could rent a room from a friend for 300 bucks, bike to work......not have to have a home, and all the other stuff.</b></i><br><br>
Not if you want your kids to stay with you sometimes. The courts have minimum standards for living situations if the child is going to visit in the NCP home.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MamaNosBest</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8000487"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Not if you want your kids to stay with you sometimes. The courts have minimum standards for living situations if the child is going to visit in the NCP home.</div>
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Oh right, I think she was just making a point that someone *COULD* live like that, and it not be that big of a lifestyle change. Asking me to find an apt on 300 a month and biking my DD everywhere is totally unrealistic, but i think it was just used in a hypothetical situation. It's also unrealistic to bike anywhere over here, but I get the coorelation she was trying to get at. He doesn't have the "cost of living" i have that's associated with raising his child FT. Not saying that in a bitter tone, I just mean that matter of factly.<br><br>
I guess i'm thinking in terms of reversing the situation, i'd do my best to split whatever extra costs I could afford for her b/c i know how much she costs. I told him how much daycare was for a week and he went silent for 2 minutes b/c he seriously just didn't know and he was shocked that I have to pay that per week. That's what gets me irritated; The "i don't know" hands off approach to things he just doesn't want to deal with. I deal with these issues everyday regarding her care. Why shouldn't he feel some of the burden as well? I"m not asking to suck up every available penny, i'd just like him to help contribute to some costs b/c i just can't do it by myself anymore. I've paid for everything for the past 4 years. His child support grately helps, but unfortunately it just doesn't go as far as it used to.
 

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I did not know that min standards stuff, so techincally my stbx should get a bedroom for tbe boys?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Not if you want your kids to stay with you sometimes. The courts have minimum standards for living situations if the child is going to visit in the NCP home.</td>
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lol so I guess my stbx's hotel room he's been staying at for two months doesn't cut it...<br><br>
also I would stress to him that daycare is not 'forever' and it allows you to work/go to school so that you can get on your own feet quicker. How to deal with the i dunno factor, make a list, spreadsheet of all of her actually expenses as somehow in jerkbrain they think you can feed a kid on $50 bucks a month, when diapers can cost more than that alone. Also when you do the sheet ask him if he wants to take over doing some of it. For example my ex and I he paid child support and bought all of her clothing. So he wasn't giving me $2000 a year for shoes, coats, clothes, swim gear, haircuts he'd go shopping with her and he actually spent much more than I would have and thought the money was going to his daughter not to me. I'd encourage him to pay the daycare, any extra fees pay his portion directly to the office not to you.<br><br>
they have something in their brain that thinks if I give her money for daycare she's not telling me the truth of how much it costs and is going to get her hair done. And allowing him to choose a summer camp and pay for it might help his family get involved, as giving money is big but paying for a grandkids summer camp, clothing, toys, haircuts isn't giving money to the ex but giving experiences to the kid.<br><br>
You don't work for him.<br>
I love that line!
 
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