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Not sure where to start, but basically DH thinks that being a SAHM of 1 is a cake walk
unappreciated SAHM of 1 - "you've got it made"
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well, we talked or rather, fought about it this morning...i guess communication is not one of our strong points.
one of the things he said this morning is that I need to accept that being tired is part of being a mother, that I shouldn't expect to feel rested. Maybe I should just give up SAHM'ing since he doesn't appreciate it and it's causing a rift in our marriage. Maybe if I had a job outside of the house then, I'd have rights to feel tired.
PS - I've been doing acupuncture and herbs for about 5 months now to help with the fatigue. It has helped and I was hoping that would be the answer to most of my problems, but maybe it's more than me just being tired...
sorry for babbling...
one of the things he said this morning is that I need to accept that being tired is part of being a mother, that I shouldn't expect to feel rested. Maybe I should just give up SAHM'ing since he doesn't appreciate it and it's causing a rift in our marriage. Maybe if I had a job outside of the house then, I'd have rights to feel tired.
PS - I've been doing acupuncture and herbs for about 5 months now to help with the fatigue. It has helped and I was hoping that would be the answer to most of my problems, but maybe it's more than me just being tired...
sorry for babbling...
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I'm sorry that you aren't appreciated.
I would say that if there is a chance for you DH to stay home for a few days and be the SAHP, maybe it would help him understand. Doing something for half a day is not the same as doing it full time at all. Also, I have to day, sometimes I am jealous of my DH getting to go to work and get adult time - something lots of people don't consider when they think about being a SAHP.
I would never suggest having another baby before you are ready. You should trust your gut. I think having one to placate DH could easily make you feel resentful and depressed, when you are the one doing all the work (and yes, it is work!).
At 21 months, you could try cutting down on nursing a little in the day, if it would help you cope and you want to, but I wouldn't wean unless you both are ready. Weaning can be really hard, and ending that relationship can be sad if you're not ready.
I think your DH needs needs to respect you and what you do more, and that maybe joint counseling would be a good idea. I doubt he would take it kindly if you said how he "gets" to go to work all day and be with other adults and have a career life while you "have" to stay at home. Besides, if you would be going back to work that means you have been in the work force before, yes? Then you've done both and can compare, when he can't. So who is he to talk?
I would say that if there is a chance for you DH to stay home for a few days and be the SAHP, maybe it would help him understand. Doing something for half a day is not the same as doing it full time at all. Also, I have to day, sometimes I am jealous of my DH getting to go to work and get adult time - something lots of people don't consider when they think about being a SAHP.
I would never suggest having another baby before you are ready. You should trust your gut. I think having one to placate DH could easily make you feel resentful and depressed, when you are the one doing all the work (and yes, it is work!).
At 21 months, you could try cutting down on nursing a little in the day, if it would help you cope and you want to, but I wouldn't wean unless you both are ready. Weaning can be really hard, and ending that relationship can be sad if you're not ready.
I think your DH needs needs to respect you and what you do more, and that maybe joint counseling would be a good idea. I doubt he would take it kindly if you said how he "gets" to go to work all day and be with other adults and have a career life while you "have" to stay at home. Besides, if you would be going back to work that means you have been in the work force before, yes? Then you've done both and can compare, when he can't. So who is he to talk?
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Hello,
I know exactly how you feel! I wanted to have 2 kids close in age so I got pregnant when DD was 18 months. It was so difficult and I had very little patiance due to exhaustion. I laid in bed a lot in the beginning and threw up while my DD watched TV. YUCK! I had a M/C at 14 weeks and I felt a little guilty because I felt great after my D&C procedure. I got my energy back and I felt great! I did get pregnant again when she was 3 years old and it was much better because she was in preschool. It is much more difficult to be pregnant and have another child to look after. I had my tubes tied with my last c-section because I do not have the energy to have more. I am 35almost 36 and I definately do not have the energy I did in my 20's. My husband is supportive of me SAH and not pushing me to work outside the home but he is pushing me to do home daycare and take on too many kids. I am only going to take one child for a dual active duty military couple who need care for a newborn in november. My DH does not understand how hard it is either and critcizes me for not exercising, cooking from scratch and after the kids go to bed being ready and take charge of "intimate time." He thinks since I do not work outside the home....I can do it all! I try to talk to him but he labels what I say as excuses. It is difficult to tell your child no 50 times a day and cook 3 meals and then clean up. Clean the house and do laundry daily, make phone calls to straighten out problems with a child screaming in the back ground and grabbing at your leg to constantly be picked up. My daily work is met with constant intruptions and little fires or emergencies to put out. It is exhausting at the end of the day! I think you are not being a baby and are smart for hesitating to have another one right away. It would be nice if we could go away for a spa retreat week and leave a nanny cam at home to watch our husbands care for the kids and household! Ha Ha!
I know exactly how you feel! I wanted to have 2 kids close in age so I got pregnant when DD was 18 months. It was so difficult and I had very little patiance due to exhaustion. I laid in bed a lot in the beginning and threw up while my DD watched TV. YUCK! I had a M/C at 14 weeks and I felt a little guilty because I felt great after my D&C procedure. I got my energy back and I felt great! I did get pregnant again when she was 3 years old and it was much better because she was in preschool. It is much more difficult to be pregnant and have another child to look after. I had my tubes tied with my last c-section because I do not have the energy to have more. I am 35almost 36 and I definately do not have the energy I did in my 20's. My husband is supportive of me SAH and not pushing me to work outside the home but he is pushing me to do home daycare and take on too many kids. I am only going to take one child for a dual active duty military couple who need care for a newborn in november. My DH does not understand how hard it is either and critcizes me for not exercising, cooking from scratch and after the kids go to bed being ready and take charge of "intimate time." He thinks since I do not work outside the home....I can do it all! I try to talk to him but he labels what I say as excuses. It is difficult to tell your child no 50 times a day and cook 3 meals and then clean up. Clean the house and do laundry daily, make phone calls to straighten out problems with a child screaming in the back ground and grabbing at your leg to constantly be picked up. My daily work is met with constant intruptions and little fires or emergencies to put out. It is exhausting at the end of the day! I think you are not being a baby and are smart for hesitating to have another one right away. It would be nice if we could go away for a spa retreat week and leave a nanny cam at home to watch our husbands care for the kids and household! Ha Ha!
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I'm definitely NOT ready to wean completely, I don't find it too demanding during the day, but it is part of my "work"...
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Thanks for the suggestion - I haven't had my thyroid checked...I will look into it.
Originally Posted by odenata  At 21 months, you could try cutting down on nursing a little in the day, if it would help you cope and you want to, but I wouldn't wean unless you both are ready. Weaning can be really hard, and ending that relationship can be sad if you're not ready. |
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Originally Posted by odenata Just a thought, have you had your thyroid tested? Hypothyroid can cause fatigue, and often happens during pregnancy/shortly after birth. |
My first child was/is a rather spirited child. Being a SAHM of one was very challenging many days. One thing I did that helped DH understand it was that DH's job was to watch DS while I made dinner. I got a break from DS and DH was on his own with no help from me while I worked on dinner. It was only a short time - but long enough for DH to understand how much energy DS took. Our second child was born was DS was 2 months shy of 3. I was dreading the early days since DS had been so challenging. (And DS actually got more challenging every day until 4 when things started getting easier). But DD has a totally different personality. She did things like the baby books said! She didn't hate her carseat. She could go 2 hours between nursing and didn't nurse for 90 minutes at a time. She didn't need me to occupy her 24/7. She didn't need to sleep touching me every second. (Or hold her every second when awake). I can honestly say that it was easier with two than one when DD was a baby since DD was so easy. Now DD is 2 and has her two year old moments, but they're so easy compared to what I went through the first time around. I'm so glad I had a challenging child first since I wasn't expecting things to be so easy this time. If you do decide to have a second, keep in mind that personalities are rarely similar.
*I have hyperemesis right now so DH does take over watching both kids often when he's home. He tells me that he feels that his workplace is a break compared to watching both kids!
*I have hyperemesis right now so DH does take over watching both kids often when he's home. He tells me that he feels that his workplace is a break compared to watching both kids!
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you're definitely not being a baby. SAHMing is the hardest job i've ever had and i've done everything from student to cook to waitress to dishwasher to graduate assistant. DH doesn't have the patience to be home every day with our son, so luckily for me, he gets that (mostly.) i personally think working was much easier but not everyone will agree with that, i imagine.
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Thanks mamas...
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I'm sorry, but your DH seems to have a lot of opinions about how a mother should feel considering that he's not a mother.
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I'm a little angry for you.
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Staying home is a different kind of "hard" than being home 24/7 with a child. If he doesn't appreciate that, then I suggest that you make yourself unavailable one weekend day -- for the FULL day -- and see what kind of tune he's singing come bedtime.
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Originally Posted by mariel0419 one of the things he said this morning is that I need to accept that being tired is part of being a mother, that I shouldn't expect to feel rested. Maybe I should just give up SAHM'ing since he doesn't appreciate it and it's causing a rift in our marriage. Maybe if I had a job outside of the house then, I'd have rights to feel tired. |
I'm sorry, but your DH seems to have a lot of opinions about how a mother should feel considering that he's not a mother.
I'm a little angry for you.
Staying home is a different kind of "hard" than being home 24/7 with a child. If he doesn't appreciate that, then I suggest that you make yourself unavailable one weekend day -- for the FULL day -- and see what kind of tune he's singing come bedtime.
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Yeah, I agree with letting him take over for a full day (or 7
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first of all...
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i know that for us, part of our issue is that dh doesn't really enjoy his work all that much. he's good at it and his clients adore him, but he hates the paperwork and is kind of burnt out, which makes sense since people in his profession rarely last for more than 5 years and he's been doing it for 10.
so when he asks how our day was and i tell him about our trip to the beach, or our fun playgroup, or swimming and going to the park, i think he gets jealous, and yes a bit bitter, that my "work" entails so much "fun".
yet, he also acknowledges at other times that he could never do what i do and take the time and effort to make and maintain social connections, research and take dd to various classes, take charge of her health care, etc.
is your dh happy in his work? or even if he's happy, is he missing some sense of fulfillment regarding his career? i think a lot of times these issues have their own discontent at their center, and it's transferred onto us, unfortunately.
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i know that for us, part of our issue is that dh doesn't really enjoy his work all that much. he's good at it and his clients adore him, but he hates the paperwork and is kind of burnt out, which makes sense since people in his profession rarely last for more than 5 years and he's been doing it for 10.
so when he asks how our day was and i tell him about our trip to the beach, or our fun playgroup, or swimming and going to the park, i think he gets jealous, and yes a bit bitter, that my "work" entails so much "fun".
yet, he also acknowledges at other times that he could never do what i do and take the time and effort to make and maintain social connections, research and take dd to various classes, take charge of her health care, etc.
is your dh happy in his work? or even if he's happy, is he missing some sense of fulfillment regarding his career? i think a lot of times these issues have their own discontent at their center, and it's transferred onto us, unfortunately.
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i am realizing how right you are, after having read some threads on this forum. my husband really likes his job, has a great boss, and makes good money. i think that can make a real difference.
Originally Posted by kidspiration is your dh happy in his work? or even if he's happy, is he missing some sense of fulfillment regarding his career? i think a lot of times these issues have their own discontent at their center, and it's transferred onto us, unfortunately.
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i am realizing how right you are, after having read some threads on this forum. my husband really likes his job, has a great boss, and makes good money. i think that can make a real difference.
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Thanks for the hugs...I need a lot of them today!
Originally Posted by kidspiration first of all...
is your dh happy in his work? or even if he's happy, is he missing some sense of fulfillment regarding his career? i think a lot of times these issues have their own discontent at their center, and it's transferred onto us, unfortunately.
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Thanks for the hugs...I need a lot of them today!
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I agree. What my dh couldn't see (and I don't think he still can, even with me working now) is that his job ends at x time and he comes home and leaves work at work. As a SAHM, your job does not end. Depending on duties and philosophies and how you guys work, you could also be cooking dinner, cleaning up the messes of the day, washing dishes or putting them in the dishwasher, laundry, who knows what else. Also if your child is still a nursling you still have to do that, get up during the night to do nursies (even if you cosleep). Your work just never ends, while his does at the end of the day. I wish your dh could be shown that. Often when dh got home ds was sleeping or just didn't need me at the moment....happy to play with toys alone or whatever. So I'd pop on the computer and play a game or check email. He'd come home and see me doing that and assume that was what I did all day or that I had an easy day or that I ignored ds all day
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It sounds too that your husband is in a pressure cooker.....and while my husband is very similar to yours, he does not own his own business, but if he did, he would be your husband...I guarantee it! I feel for both of you...it's a hard predicament for both of you. I can't advise anything, we're still working on our issues (and again, I'm working again and I'm still trying to get everything balanced) but you aren't alone at all...many of us understand or at least empathize what you're going through.
Originally Posted by Mom2Boy&Girl I'm sorry, but your DH seems to have a lot of opinions about how a mother should feel considering that he's not a mother.
I'm a little angry for you.
Staying home is a different kind of "hard" than being home 24/7 with a child. If he doesn't appreciate that, then I suggest that you make yourself unavailable one weekend day -- for the FULL day -- and see what kind of tune he's singing come bedtime.
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It sounds too that your husband is in a pressure cooker.....and while my husband is very similar to yours, he does not own his own business, but if he did, he would be your husband...I guarantee it! I feel for both of you...it's a hard predicament for both of you. I can't advise anything, we're still working on our issues (and again, I'm working again and I'm still trying to get everything balanced) but you aren't alone at all...many of us understand or at least empathize what you're going through.
I am so sorry he is not showing much empathy or sympathy towards how you are feeling. Would he consider going to counseling with you. If not i still think your idea of going for yourself is a good one. If you were not nursign I would also recomend getting away for a weekend and leaving him to "babysit". You get a very different perspective when dealing with kids 24/7. Hugs to you!
I can relate in that I am always tiered. I was just getting to the point of feeling a little better when I found out we were expecting our third very unexpectedly. We were "done" and very happy with the two we had. It was a complete shock to us.
The exhaustion factor does get better with time though so hang in there!
I can relate in that I am always tiered. I was just getting to the point of feeling a little better when I found out we were expecting our third very unexpectedly. We were "done" and very happy with the two we had. It was a complete shock to us.
The exhaustion factor does get better with time though so hang in there!
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hugs momma
I think your DH is jsut looking at the biological clocks and going -- HURRY UP. that can make it really hard to be realistic. After all there really IS a limited time frame for having kids ... and that can make it hard to be realistic.
HUGS
I think your DH is jsut looking at the biological clocks and going -- HURRY UP. that can make it really hard to be realistic. After all there really IS a limited time frame for having kids ... and that can make it hard to be realistic.
HUGS
Sorry, mama, for all you are going thru right now. It really chaps my hide to hear that your dh feels this way.
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: ABSOLUTELY the only way he'll really know what you experience on a daily basis is to do it himself. And, sorry, a half-day at the park does NOT a 24/7 schedule make. Sorry.
Make it AT LEAST an 8 hr day, complete with: morning nursies, getting ds dressed, making ds breakfast, helping ds potty, packing ds snacks/lunch, giving nursies for the road, getting ds in and out of the carseat, running NECESSARY errands (not just getting in the car and going to the park and then coming home), waiting in line at the store or bank while ds squirms and wants out of the shopping cart or stroller, worrying that you haven't given him a potty-tunity yet, finishing said necessary errands, going to a playground and hovering over ds to make sure he doesn't tumble off a structure that he's too young for, mid-morning nursies, attending a harried lunch date with a few moms but not being able to enjoy it because ds wants up or down or to walk or be in your lap or doesn't want to eat this or that, but wants to nurse instead, enduring gawping stares from people at the next table, pottying ds in the smelly restaurant bathroom with no toilet paper, trying to pay the bill while ds is wandering off to god knows where in the restaurant, catching up with ds and trying to get him back into the carseat when he's overtired, grudgingly letting him fall asleep in the car, but then inevitably waking him up when you get home and cannot transfer him to naptime in bed, being sleepy yourself at that afternoon siesta hour but dealing bc ds is cranky and clingy from no nap, worrying about what to make for dinner, actually trying to make dinner while ds runs around the house screeching and wobbly, in some kind of manic play-mode because he's so tired, making sure ds eats enough veggies and not just the cheese, cleaning up a poopy potty after dinner (may be the 2nd or 3rd gross potty-cleaning act of the day), trying to eat something yourself but realizing you forgot to wash your hands after cleaning said poopy potty and then literally gagging on your present mouthful, trying to wash dishes while ds decides to maniacally jump up and down on the couch with no one making sure he doesn't crack his head open on the hardwood floor, getting ds to take a bath when he doesn't want to, cleaning up inevitable puddles on bathroom floor after said bath, pottying ds again before bedtime, reading 3 stories to him before he VERY reluctantly decides he's sleepy, nursing ds to sleep for 20 minutes, then trying not to get punched or kicked for 20 min while ds thrashes around in bed, attempting to settle himself to sleep, nursing for another 20 minutes, until ds finally. falls. asleep.
fwiw, i do agree with a pp... that your dh probably is not feeling fulfilled in his own career. if he dislikes his job in anyway, ANY other job will seem like a cakewalk, yk? While my dh doesn't challenge me on the fact that being a sahm is "hard work," he does emphasize that at least I get a better "reward" than he does. Sure, he gets paid, but that's nothing compared to all the precious moments that I share with ds throughout the day. DH works all day but may not necessarily reap the same amount of satisfaction I do in my "job." I tend to agree...
Anywho... I am truly sorry you're having such a tough time right now. Give it a little time and DO seek counseling at least for yourself. You have my ear and shoulder...
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Make it AT LEAST an 8 hr day, complete with: morning nursies, getting ds dressed, making ds breakfast, helping ds potty, packing ds snacks/lunch, giving nursies for the road, getting ds in and out of the carseat, running NECESSARY errands (not just getting in the car and going to the park and then coming home), waiting in line at the store or bank while ds squirms and wants out of the shopping cart or stroller, worrying that you haven't given him a potty-tunity yet, finishing said necessary errands, going to a playground and hovering over ds to make sure he doesn't tumble off a structure that he's too young for, mid-morning nursies, attending a harried lunch date with a few moms but not being able to enjoy it because ds wants up or down or to walk or be in your lap or doesn't want to eat this or that, but wants to nurse instead, enduring gawping stares from people at the next table, pottying ds in the smelly restaurant bathroom with no toilet paper, trying to pay the bill while ds is wandering off to god knows where in the restaurant, catching up with ds and trying to get him back into the carseat when he's overtired, grudgingly letting him fall asleep in the car, but then inevitably waking him up when you get home and cannot transfer him to naptime in bed, being sleepy yourself at that afternoon siesta hour but dealing bc ds is cranky and clingy from no nap, worrying about what to make for dinner, actually trying to make dinner while ds runs around the house screeching and wobbly, in some kind of manic play-mode because he's so tired, making sure ds eats enough veggies and not just the cheese, cleaning up a poopy potty after dinner (may be the 2nd or 3rd gross potty-cleaning act of the day), trying to eat something yourself but realizing you forgot to wash your hands after cleaning said poopy potty and then literally gagging on your present mouthful, trying to wash dishes while ds decides to maniacally jump up and down on the couch with no one making sure he doesn't crack his head open on the hardwood floor, getting ds to take a bath when he doesn't want to, cleaning up inevitable puddles on bathroom floor after said bath, pottying ds again before bedtime, reading 3 stories to him before he VERY reluctantly decides he's sleepy, nursing ds to sleep for 20 minutes, then trying not to get punched or kicked for 20 min while ds thrashes around in bed, attempting to settle himself to sleep, nursing for another 20 minutes, until ds finally. falls. asleep.
fwiw, i do agree with a pp... that your dh probably is not feeling fulfilled in his own career. if he dislikes his job in anyway, ANY other job will seem like a cakewalk, yk? While my dh doesn't challenge me on the fact that being a sahm is "hard work," he does emphasize that at least I get a better "reward" than he does. Sure, he gets paid, but that's nothing compared to all the precious moments that I share with ds throughout the day. DH works all day but may not necessarily reap the same amount of satisfaction I do in my "job." I tend to agree...
Anywho... I am truly sorry you're having such a tough time right now. Give it a little time and DO seek counseling at least for yourself. You have my ear and shoulder...
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