Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 45 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,666 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What have you done in a case where you were strongly attracted to homebirth, and your partner was very uncomfortable with it?

I saw that there was some interest in discussing this on another thread, and it's really salient to me right now. I planned a homebirth in my last pregnancy, though it all went sideways due to a placental abruption in early labor. We ended up with ambulance transport and emergency, knocked-out-cold cesarean.
After that experience I felt like I couldn't attempt homebirth again, both because of the fear it engendered and the feeling that if I set myself up with great expectations and they crashed again...it would be too much to bear. But during this pregnancy (which was unexpected and unprocessed), I've felt more and more uncomfortable and alienated by the prospect of trying to birth (vba2c) in a hospital. The phrase that keeps going through my mind is "if you buy the ticket, you take the ride"...and it's not a ride I want to take. Researching and praying and intuition seem to be leading me to move past the trauma and allow myself to plan a birth that I truly want, even with the knowledge that there is no guarantee that it will happen the way I hope it will.

But my husband still associates "homebirth" with "blood everywhere and wife wheeling away on a gurney". Thinking logically, even if we had been planning a hospital birth, it would have gone down in exactly the same way - I hadn't even called the midwives yet. And the experience tested out the emergency backup plan, and it worked beautifully if painfully. But that doesn't take away his fear and discomfort. He's not one to "forbid" me to do what I feel is right (nor am I one to be forbidden), but homebirth is NOT a groovy peaceful idea for him.

When it comes down to my instinct and comfort level versus his instinct and comfort level, it seems to me that someone has to 'win' in the end, and it seems right to both of us that I should. There doesn't seem to be a compromise zone between "yes hospital" and "no hospital." But it leaves me wondering how to handle the birth itself, given that we know that he is fearful and not trusting. So if you've faced this scenario, how did your birth go? How did your partner do? Did you find a compromise or make different choices due to his feelings? Did you manage to overcome the discomfort before the birth, and how?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,717 Posts
Yours trumps his because it's *Your* bodily integrity that's on the line not his.

It's you who's birthing the baby

It's YOU who's vagina will get poked and prodded by strangers *face it you dont know those nurses from adam*

It's YOU who's gonna be submitted to all the stupid useless hospital procedures

Heck, there's no guarantee that your local hospital will even "allow" a VBAC, nor any guarantee you'd find an OB willing to attend your VBAC, or if you're lucky you'd find one who'll give you complete lip service throughout your pregnancy and then take off the sheep skin when it comes down to the wire and it's too late for you.

Those are things for you to consider.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,993 Posts
If my husband were uncomfortable with it, I would do my best to convince him it was the best choice, but in the end I would birth in the way I felt was best. The negative connotations that are associated with homebirth are quite obviously wrong, and the belief that hospital birth is safer has been proven incorrect as well. My husband's feelings on the matter won't change the facts, and once the homebirth has taken place he will probably feel differently. You know that vbac has many benefits and that C-section is an unnecessary risk, and you know the risk of having one is higher in the hospital. You know you'd be more comfortable and serene at home, and that he disagrees doesn't change that because you know yourself much better--or else you wouldn't be comfortable with the notion of homebirth.

I agree that it does come down to whose comfort is most important, whose instinct wins out. Mothers have the birthing instinct; we are the ones who give birth. When the time comes our body will be telling us what to do; his body isn't going to tell him how we should be positioned or breathing. The how-to knowledge will come from within us. Fathers have paternal instincts, but birthing is maternal. Moreover, I think that the mother's comfort is absolutely more important, being that she is the one enduring the labor, breathing through the contractions, and delivering the child into the world. Her body is supporting the child and delivering oxygen, therefore keeping her stress controlled is much more important. Negative energy from the father will affect the birth but not quite as severely as negatives on the mother's side. Fathers should share in the joy of childbirth, but their prescense is not necessary--only the mother's and the baby's.

The compromise between hospital and home should be that you will transfer to the hospital if you sense any danger. It is true that you are the one who will be hooked up to monitors, injected with medication, have things put between your legs, be forced to birth in an uncomfortable position, be disallowed to eat or drink, and possibly be put to sleep and cut open.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,666 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Oh of course. I agree. If it came down to brass tacks it would be "no vagina no vote" in my world. But, I'd still like to know how that works out when the birth comes around. Does dh rally and get into the spirit of things? Muck them up with bad vibes? How do you handle it?

There are options for hospital vba2c here...I just don't want to use them unless I really need them. And I do worry about care-provider fear railroading me at the last minute - the search for an attendant who could be positive and supportive instead of just resigned to my stubbornness is what led me in this direction, too.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,717 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by ccohenou View Post
Oh of course. I agree. If it came down to brass tacks it would be "no vagina no vote" in my world. But, I'd still like to know how that works out when the birth comes around. Does dh rally and get into the spirit of things? Muck them up with bad vibes? How do you handle it?

There are options for hospital vba2c here...I just don't want to use them unless I really need them. And I do worry about care-provider fear railroading me at the last minute - the search for an attendant who could be positive and supportive instead of just resigned to my stubbornness is what led me in this direction, too.
About the No Vagina No Vote:

I told my DH:

"I'm having a homebirth, if you can't manage to support that, you are free to go to the pub, get blitzed out of your mind, and I'll call you when it's done. I'll hire a doula for labour support Kthx"

For some wierd reason, men get all "OMGZORZ" when their little women dont need them for 'protection' and eventually man up if you say "Well Pfft fark you I dont need you anyway"

Depending on the man, they think self confidence is hawt.

My DH Finally came around once he realized I wasn't gonna change and he had no vagina so he had no vote.

Basicly I gave DH the choice of manning up, or missing out. He chose to man up, address his fears, and get over them.

Your DH might need a bit more of a professional help in manning up and addressing his fears. But he has to get over it and choose. He's a big boy, he can man up and face his fears.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,993 Posts
I think I would do that, too. I would try to make him comfortable and go ahead with my plans, but if he was still being negative during the labor and birth, I would tell him to just go downstairs, play Halo, and leave me alone with DS to give birth
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,304 Posts
my concern / thoughts would be

if it was ME who was the momma -- no matter HOW MUCH I was cool with, or wanted the HB -- if I knew my dh was not 100% there -- on his own -- not just lip service for me -- I could never relax and thus never have a good birth anyway.

I'd be too worred, stressed, whatever knowing HE was worred or stressed. that is not to count any undercurrent of conflict between us due to the choice that he didn't vote for being made.

I agree if you hit a brick wall someone has to give -- and i will get flamed for this -- but maybe the default should be to the medically safer choice based on prior births....so yes.. maybe the default should go to the hsoptial or birth center.

How horrid for a man -- who feel pretty helpless in L&D anyway -- to have to worry about the life of his wife, the mother of his other children, and his new baby?? much less have to see her carried out in an ambalnce. that must have been hell for him.

think about THIS --- what if the FATHER wanted a home birth and the Mom wanted a hosptial birth, or birth center......how many would then say the mom should tell the dad to go take a leap -- it is her body? and he should just deal?

it is her body -- but it is their baby and she is the mother to his other children. when we marry and espically when he have kids, we give uyp some of that auto-mey (sp?) and give another a say over us.

I don't feel we can 10icate to dh -- any more than we want them to 100% dictate to us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,403 Posts
I imagine his "energy" will depend on how well he has been prepared in the meantime. You could remind him that some women's placentas abrupt spontaneously at home BEFORE they go into labor, and the babies still can turn out fine. If you are in labor, you know the signs to look for already, so will rush to the hospital in a timely fashion if necessary. Etc. Stuff like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,666 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
But could you have a good birth being in a place and with attendants that did not support you, and likely actively endangered you? I guess if I felt that I could, that it would be equally possible for me to have a decent safe birth in either location, then I'd be willing to go with what made him more comfortable. But when his comfort and my comfort are diametrically opposed...what do you do then? And yes, I would feel the same if a husband wanted homebirth and wife wanted hospital...in the end it's still her body, her instincts, her birth, and I think that is a trump card over basically anything else.

If I agreed about the "medically safer choice," that's what I'd do...but my research and thinking has led me in a different direction. As for dh, he hasn't done much (any) research and not much thinking, either. I don't have to "imagine" the impact of my past births - I was there, and they were beyond hell for me. But it wasn't homebirth's "fault", yk?

But, I'm not going to flame you - in a way you are just stating my own concerns, albeit slightly magnified. So I'll be interested to hear more responses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27,052 Posts
How about a doula for him?

You should find out if your local hospital even does vbacs. That could bring him around right there.

And then there's the classic for people who won't do the research themselves. "Prove to me that it would be safer for me to give birth in the hospital."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,993 Posts
It is her body. She's the one who is giving birth. She is the one who will face unnecesary intervention. It is her health and stress that will most affect the baby. She should be birthing where she is most comfortable. He should deal with it and be supportive. If it's horrid for hiim then it's his own fault for ignoring the feelings of the mother as well as the facts.

Quote:
much less have to see her carried out in an ambalnce.
Oh, my, God. As if an emergency C-section wouldn't have been traumatic in the hospital as well?
: There is a MUCH lower chance of an emergency at home than at the hospital. Is a man less horrified of his wife's screams in the hospital than at home? Is an emergency C-section after a transfer from home scarier than an emergency C-section after transfer from the birthing room?

Quote:
if it was ME who was the momma -- no matter HOW MUCH I was cool with, or wanted the HB -- if I knew my dh was not 100% there -- on his own -- not just lip service for me -- I could never relax and thus never have a good birth anyway.
Um, judging from the rest of your posts, I don't think you could have a good birth at home period at this point. Personally, the risk of unnecessary medical intervention and the knowledge that homebirth is safer would outweigh my husband's ignorance and negativity.

Quote:
I agree if you hit a brick wall someone has to give -- and i will get flamed for this -- but maybe the default should be to the medically safer choice based on prior births....so yes.. maybe the default should go to the hsoptial or birth center.
The medically safer choice will vary from person to person. What if the woman thinks homebirth is safer, based on prior experience, but not the husband? Why would the default be go to the hospital when home birth is proven to be safer?

Why are you advocating hospital birth on a home birth forum anyway? Yes, I know, it's allowed, etc...but just because you CAN do somethign doesn't mean you should or need to. We're not all insensitive amazons who need to be shown the light.

Quote:
How horrid for a man -- who feel pretty helpless in L&D anyway
It's much more likely that a man will feel helpless and uninvolved at a hospital, where a doctor takes over, than at home where a midwife lets hiim participate and makes him part of the experience or where there is no midwife at all.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,717 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Aimee21972 View Post
think about THIS --- what if the FATHER wanted a home birth and the Mom wanted a hosptial birth, or birth center......how many would then say the mom should tell the dad to go take a leap -- it is her body? and he should just deal?

it is her body -- but it is their baby and she is the mother to his other children. when we marry and espically when he have kids, we give uyp some of that auto-mey (sp?) and give another a say over us.

I don't feel we can 10icate to dh -- any more than we want them to 100% dictate to us.
Yes I'd tell my husband to take a flying leap. My body MY choice.

And NO when I married my husband I became his PARTNER. I did NOT give up any autonomy over myself or my choices.

I dont subscribe to the submissive marriage deal, and please dont assume everyone else does here as well.

Oh Boohoo poor husband. What about the WOMAN who's getting her most intamate places poked and prodded by total strangers? What if she doesn't feel like consantly fighting for her right to be left in peace?

This momma's instincts are telling her to stay home.

Might be his baby, but it's MY body. MY body isn't a vessel for his seed thankyouvery much. I am a human being, the OP is a human being, with feelings, and instincts, and the RIGHT TO BODILY INTEGRITY.

Men have had control over birth for too long. Time to take it back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,993 Posts
Quote:
And then there's the classic for people who won't do the research themselves. "Prove to me that it would be safer for me to give birth in the hospital."
What makes you think that people who want the safety of hospital birth proven to them are unwilling to do the research? Perhaps, like me, they have done tons of research, and all of what they have read proves to them that home birth is safer. Perhaps, they cannot prove to themselves that hospital birth is safer because they have done extensive research and come to the opposite conclusion. Perhaps they assume that you must know something they don't know and can't find. Perhaps they know they have their ducks in a row and that homebirth is safer, but they want to know where you are coming from. I'm not lazy; I do research. I just can't find anything that suggests hospital birth is safer. I figure that if all of the evidence points to homebirth being safer, and those advocating hospital birth don't have any evidence that proves otherwise, I must have made the right choice.

Don't you think it's a little rude an inappropriate to label homebirth as dangerous, hospital birth as safer, on a support forum for homebirth? These women have enough negativity to deal with without coming to a place where they should be put at ease and having to hear thoughts like this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,666 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I think sapphirechan was thinking that I should ask my husband to prove to me that hospital birth is safer, instead of my proving to him that homebirth would be safe? Putting the "proof" responsibility on the naysayer. It's a little too abrasive for our relationship, because he's not really telling me that it's dangerous and I'll die and I'm not allowed to do it, just that it makes him nervous. But I don't think it's a bad idea...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,838 Posts
Home birth is safer. I would show my husband the research, and it is up to him to deal with his fears. I am the one birthing. If I am stressed or worried, it will affect the birth and our baby.

Thankfully, my husband is as pro home birth as they come. He couldn't believe how much better our home birth was compared to our hospital transfer and I had a good birth as far as hospital births go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
770 Posts
I have a reluctant hubby when it comes to HB too. I recently miscarried, but before we lost the baby, he had agreed to meet with a HB midwife. I think this meeting would have really helped him b/c he could voice some of his questions/concerns about the HB and ask all the worst case scenario questions. Maybe you could try that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
845 Posts
the idea of hiring a doula for him is not a bad one.

I have been at a couple of births where I knew that the reason I was hired is so that dad could focus on just loving mom and feel secure that someone who had birth experance would be there to watch for medical issues and offer physical support. I also worked hard to make sure dad knew that everything going on was normal and OK...not a medical concern.

one birth in particular, I know that the dad agreed only to please mom but was very worried. Now he is homebirths biggest supporter because it meant so much to him to feel included in every step of the birth whereas he had felt pushed aside in the hospital births that had came before. He is also a big supporter of having a doula becuse he said that having a doula took all of the pressure off of him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,304 Posts
not advocating FOR hosptial birth at all

I am saying that he father and Dh should have a say int ehbirth decison, and not be dictated to -- asn they ARE part of it.

I'd have the same arguemnts if DH wanted home and momma wants hosptial -- or whatever -- if the arguement was home mw vs unassisted.....

my point is that as the baby is a joint venture, and as two people in a commiitted realtionship have a reponiblity to eadch other, nirth is a single alone person for decison making any more

I am saying that eh father needs to, and has the right be, have a say and be at ease with the decisions too.

not that birth should be ina hospital -- jus that dad should be reaspected

A
 
1 - 20 of 45 Posts
Top