I am going to go through your post and offer ideas where you might have sought more 'buy in', clarified your plans/needs and clarified her plans/needs. I was not there, but it sounds like expectations of each other occurred without discussing what each needed. That is why I say "plans" because it doesn't sound like *needs* were identified?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Wugmama</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Last Saturday I spent the afternoon doing things that dd enjoys.</div>
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Did she feel these were fun things or things 'done for her' that required your assistance? Basically, going to buy school supplies, shoes and a winter coat might apply in the second case but not the first. Did you spend more time than was intended or was a tight schedule planned? Did you discuss the tight schedule? <b>More importantly had the evening plans been discussed with her in advance and she had agreed that going was something she wanted to do</b> or she changed her mind at the last minute? Was the evening plan something that incorporated her needs or was it a 'family event' that she was expected to participate in and 'probably' have fun?<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">We came home at 3:30 pm and needed to leave with dh at 4pm so we could go to his hockey game and then out to eat with his team and their families (I was going to bring snacks for dd to eat at the game since it would be sort of a late dinner). This is one of the few hockey games we could attend this year as most are very late. At 3:30 dd says she does not want to go. I tried asking her why she didn't want to go, and she just kept saying she wanted to stay home. I thought she'd enjoy it - we went last year and she had fun playing with the children of the other players.</td>
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What I have observed with our son is that he likes going out for activities (for himself or along with us) and then he *needs* down time at home to reconnect with familiar territory, his things, known expectations, decreased stimuli and an opportunity to process all the new experiences and dynamics that he has just encountered. He *needs* to recenter and does not want to go to anything for some extended duration, no matter how familiar, fun and exciting it previously was for him. Even if he has had a fun filled day himself, going away from home is hard for him to separate from the peace, calm and familiarity of a 'known quantity'.<br><br>
One thing we have done is to plan not to make the stop home and instead move on from one activity to another to avoid the 'getting stuck at home because we are here I want to stay' effect. This requires more planning in advance. Another thing that has worked is for only a quick, 'let's not get out of the car' run in and get what was forgotten stop at home (iffy, if it has been a long day out). Or for one of us to stop and pick up what is needed while the other (with child) goes on to the event or meet up somewhere (dh's office, for example) to ride together.<br><br>
Another option is not to plan long outings on the days where additional 'family events' are desired later in the day. Or plan for a long reconnection time at home after a short morning outing, before going out in the evening together. Basically, as our son has the autonomy to decide whether he does or doesn't want to leave home, just as I do, I have observed patterns reflecting his needs. As he has become older, I am able to discuss his needs and what my needs are.<br><br>
Perhaps, you and dd could have gone to part of the hockey game, gone later, or left early, skipped the dinner, done dinner only, gone out for something else fun with dd (then or later) and then discussed stopping by the hockey game, or the fun dinner part, brought a friend along, invited another family of one of her friends to come to the game too, called for a babysitter to come stay with her so you could attend part of the game or the dinner, had a familar/fun babysitter come along to play with her, brought favorite toys along, stopped for ice cream in route, etc. There are many, many possiblitites depending upon what is important to her and your underlying needs.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Anyways, to make a long story short, my husband ended up going without us. He would have preferred just to push her into it and haul her to the car - and she probably would have had fun. Not to put this on you at all, but I was thinking about the stuff you have written here and how I didn't want her to go if she didn't want to. It was too late to get a babysitter.<br><br>
I ended up being sad about missing the evening I was looking forward to, and feeling somewhat resentful towards her, especially since she had had her fun earlier that day. Luckily I was able to get over it and we had a nice evening at home together.</td>
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I ask myself 'what is the point?' when sometimes I think to myself 'GET IN THE CAR, NOW!! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN!!!' I don't think that would work for me to 'have fun' if dh told me even if we were going to my favorite place. I would resent the force or coercion to participate. That would taint my experience and our relationship.<br><br>
I am delighted that you ended up enjoying the evening. How you felt when you felt like <i>you had no choice</i> available to you, is probably how your daughter feels when <i>she has no choice</i> available to her. But you did have choices and one of those was to stay home and have a special quiet, separate or fun engaging time together with your daughter. Maybe make cookies for Daddy, or plan a surprise visit with him at the dinner (in kahoots, together). Creating a relationship where her feelings and needs matter to you takes time, investing that time as an intentional choice means evaluating your priorities and being happy with the choice you make. The issue is you had a choice and she did too. Win-win is possible; but you 'gave in' in your mind, without discovering what might work for both of you. Sometimes what is most important to me is not to force our child to do things against his will. This is a huge value to me because I believe it impacts not only our curret and future relationship, but his future ability to negotiate in relationships for mutually agreeable solutions. I don't know how he can learn this if I model using the tools of coercion against him.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">But it made me realize that I am willing so often to do things that I don't want to do for myself but do for her so that she will have fun, but she doesn't really have that capacity yet. I will never get to do what I want to do unless she also wants to do it if I operate this way - she cannot compromise the way many adults are willing to do.<br><br>
What do you say to this? That it is the age she is at (3 years, 9 months), will grow out of it, it won't always be like this?</td>
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Well, we don't use coercion with our son and he is able to negotiate for mutually agreeable solutions. Not perfectly and not consistently, but he has done this well for most of a year. He is 4.3 y/o. He is least able to hear and consider our needs when he is tired and/or hungry. I recognaize that these are not optimal discussion opportunities for making transition decisions or changes. Perhaps your daughter might have been more able to hear your needs after a nap or a snack. I am very curious if you discussed it further with her, or festered inside yourself? I am quite authentic with my feelings and expressing my needs. But I am very, very, very selective at telling ds that something is "really important to me", so that this phrase is not overused. I would say there have been only about half a dozen times when I have said this in the past year, and he was able to hear my need, over his own even. Most times, he offers workable suggestions that are impossible to dismiss because they *are* realistic and include meeting my need. He is quite adept at negotiating for common preferences because we do it all the time. Not as a struggle or as adversaries, but as a team seeking a solution together.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Thanks in advance for your input. I'll clarify as needed.<br><br>
BTW, I love the list. Funny, I was just telling my mom yesterday (not that I don't have my own faults) that she always interprets people's actions in the most negative way (she is starting to do this with my dd) and there it is on your list - to attribute the most positive motive possible! I whole-heartedly agree with that. There is something similar in psychology called reframing.</td>
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Reframing something when you believe "you have to do xyz" is pretty hard. Reframing things when you actually have a choice is much easier. I believe we always have a choice, except for children, "of course". Our son has a choice. So do I. I choose not to coerce others and I seek common preferences instead.<br><br>
HTH, Pat
