[ItIsEasyBeingGreen]

I am almost 23 years old and I am unmarried and TTC # 1.

My DBF is almost 33 years old and is more then ready to have a family.

We both love eachother very very much and plan to spend the rest of our lives together.

We have a beautiful house in the country, with a giant backyard, with a wood play house and swings, a raised bed garden that we built together as a couple, to grow our own vegetables, berries, and herbs. At the edge of our backyard is a gate that leads to a grass field, across the field is a large barn, a small community club house and a whole bunch of swings, baby swings, child swings, slides, and a bunch of toys for little ones and big ones to play on. Right around the corner from here is a private community access to a river. It is the absolute perfect place to raise children.

The only thing that would make either of us more happy then what we already are is children to share our love and life with.

We feel as if we would not be actively trying to concieve if we were unaware that it would lead to a 9 month and 18 year commitment.

I do believe that happy life for the next 50+ years will be ours together, and he really does believe that too.

Scince we are not married, we get both get alot of comments about TTC out of wedlock.

The truth there is that people no longer see a reason to get married.

Times have changed and most women no longer stay home and they have to work therefore there is no reasons left to get married unless the woman doesn't work and lacks medical benefits...

But what about getting married for the right reasons? Because you love that person, and because you want to commit yourself to him/her, forever.

Then there is being commited to someone outside of marriage, wanting to spend the rest of your life with that person because you love them so very much and donot feel like a peice of paper could ever signify that.

Still, even then there is getting married just so you make your partner want to "stay" with you, just so he/she doesn't have to deal with the hassel of getting a divorce and/or paying child support.

Now I know that is a very opininated subject but I really need some thoughts.

What are your thoughts on marriage? And why?

What are you thoughts on marriage and children? And why?

What are your thoughts on raising children out of wedlock? And why?

It's not like my partner and I are against marriage, we just have a different view and opinion on it.

Everyone has an opinion and everyone is entitled to thier own view.

You never know, it could end up working out all on it's own, to us getting married before a child is born, but even if a child is born before we are married, it's not gonna change the way I feel about our child, or him, or our relationship, i'm still gonna love him, and i'm still gonna do the best I can to help raise our child.

 

[YummyYumYumMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItIsEasyBeingGreen What are your thoughts on marriage? And why? What are you thoughts on marriage and children? And why? What are your thoughts on raising children out of wedlock? And why?

to me and DH, marriage was important to us in more of a social sense. we aren't religious and so that doesn't much affect us. we lived together before we were married, and before we were married or engaged we knew that we wanted to be in a committed partnership. i don't really feel that the marriage certificate or wedding ring really change that. our relationship is based on the fact that we love each other and are building a life together, not the fact that we're married.

i don't really know how being married affects our parenting - this is our first child, and neither of us has any experience parenting with anyone else, and we were married when she was conceived, so i dunno what that really means. i think that children can be happy and well-adjusted in all sorts of homes with all sorts of families, and i don't really believe that DH and i being married is the important thing. the actual relationship we have and how our daughter sees us treat each other is more important than whether or not we're legally husband and wife, ya know?

the major benefit of getting married, for us, was because it is a fantastic way to announce/celebrate that committed partnership to/with our friends and families. we do enjoy all the social and legal conveniences. filing taxes is mega-easy, and being married can provide tax benefits. and when DH was a student and i was working full-time, i could cover him on my health insurance plan. he now covers me on his. not all health insurance plans offer domestic partner benefits.

so bottom line - for us, we wanted to get married. we had reasons to do it and no reasons not to. but that's just what worked for US and what made US happy. i don't believe you have to be married to have a successful longt-term relationship or to have a happy family. but it's working out great for us.

different things are going to work for different people and make them happy, and so people who think that you SHOULD be married just because you want to have a baby together should keep their thoughts to themselves. at the end of the day, it doesn't matter, as long as you, your DBF and children are happy, well-cared for, and comfortable with your lifestyle. that's really what's important, not how society or the law view your relationship status.

 

[Channelle]

My bf and I are not married, nor plan on getting married anytime soon. Yet we are trying to conceive, and might POSSIBLY be pregnant! I don't think people really judge people for having children out of wedlock, that is really old-fashioned, like people being spinsters if not married off at 18. I think children are raised just the same in a married family as in an life-long committed relationship. Marriage is just a piece of paper to me, albeit an important piece that one day I hope will have, but feel no urge to have it before children.

Edited because I forgot to add, that my parents were never married, and I could have cared less.

 

[LisaSedai]

Well, you have your "Octomom" and ladies with 6 young children, each with a different father - they take unwed motherhood to an extreme not many would approve of. Yet there are women with children in abusive marriages- that's not good either. It depends on the situation. As long as the children are loved and provided for it doesn't matter to me if the parents are married.

I got pregnant on purpose while I was not married, and didn't intend on getting married. The main reasons I got married were : my partner got a scary medical condition while I was newly pregnant and I wanted to cover him with my health insurance (he was unemployed), I was emotionally a wreck b/c my Dad died when I was 9 wks preg & I had had a miscarriage a couple months earlier and was afraid of losing the baby again.

I have often had cause to lament getting married

But, I thought it was a good idea at the time. It hasn't been *alll* bad.

 

[jillmamma]

My beliefs on marriage are greatly influenced by my faith. DH and I are both Catholic, and we believe that marriage is a sacrament that includes God as well as being a commitment between two people. So for US, we felt it was best to be married first before moving in together and later having children as we want God as part of our marriage/partnership. However, part of my faith is not to judge others, I am not God, and in the end it is up to Him to judge people. Ideally, having two involved parents is best for kids as each can contribute in different ways and help each other, but I know that most single parents also do a fantastic job, just must be a lot harder to do it alone. So I say to each his own, and it sounds like you have carefully considered your options, so best wishes and good luck ttc!

 

[MaerynPearl]

dbf and i are not married... (obviously or id call him dh lol) but we're wanting to ttc

but we also want to marry eventually, just ttc is a little easier than planning a wedding. who cares what order it happens in or if it happens at all?

at least you're not just getting married for the kids. i made that mistake the first time.

 

[MyZymurgy]

To each his own, absolutely.

DH and I got married for religious reasons. We wanted to make a commitment to each other, with God, and our families. It is how we chose to define our relationship, and our family unit. (We got married before TTC, but we knew we'd want kids)

I believe that being in a committed relationship matters when going down the TTC path - but it is up to you and your partner to decide how that committed relationship is defined.

 

[miriam_bat_avraham]

Green... can I have your life? Or, at least, your house???

:

Marriage means three possible things:
1) An implied permanent commitment (which you already have)
2) A religious bond (which is not a factor for everyone)
3) Some state and federal benefits

#1 is the one most people get their panties twisted over when it comes to other couples. They want children to be born into families that are bonded and secure and solid. Of course, it's none of their business

but that's usually where that comes from.

For you guys... you have a nice home and a wonderful, committed relationship. Everyone else can go you-know-where. I'm sure you'll come up with some creative responses to rude comments!

 

[finn'smama]

Well, dp and I aren't married and don't plan on it. Basically, we aren't religious and we don't feel it necessary to get a license and stand before a judge to prove ourselves committed. We wouldn't have had children together if we didn't plan on staying together.

 

[4Blessings]

DH and I both come from broken homes. We were together for a long time before we got married and both agreed that we wanted to finish college, purchase a home, get married and then have babies. It just felt right to us.
Marriage is a true commitment to both of us. Even though it's "just a piece of paper" to some it means so much more to us. We love each other very much and will spend the rest of our lives together. I'm very glad to be married to my DH and wouldn't have it any other way

Don't expect that children will make your relationship "happier", so says this recent study

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...ear-study.html

 

[shakenbake]

do what YOU feel is right dont let anyone make that decision for you me and my DH where TTC long before we got married and when we did tell everyone we where getting married they ALL asked are you preg? NO and if i was would that make our love any different? it pisses me off people asking that or saying if you are not married you should not have kids F them! lets see how many woman had babies just to keep there marriage alive and it ended up failing in the end? blah be happy and do what YOU want to!

 

[MaerynPearl]

shakenbake
this is off topic but you should update your sig

you're not 5 weeks anymore

 

[rhiandmoi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItIsEasyBeingGreen What are your thoughts on marriage? And why? What are you thoughts on marriage and children? And why? What are your thoughts on raising children out of wedlock? And why?

I am married. I like being married. We were together 7+ years before we got married, so for us getting married was sort of like "going public" that we were in this for the long haul.

I think marriage ideally should come before children. I think ideally you should have a public commitment to a person, and they to you, before you involve children. To me you should love someone no matter their fertility, and it just seems to me that waiting until you have a kid to get married, it implies that only now that your partner has proved their fertility to you are they worthy of marriage. Wierd I know. But in many cultures throughout history a marriage was not finalized until the birth of a child.

Despite my answer to #2, I don't think children are in most cases negatively affected by being raised out of wedlock. My parents are divorced, so essentially I was raised out of wedlock, and I feel like I turned out alright. But getting married because you have children, or staying married because you have children, also pushes my "marriage only for the fertile" button.

 

[Sweetflyfishfeel]

I guess I am very old-fashioned for 29 yrs old. I don't believe everyone should necessarily have the same values I do, but here are mine:

I would not be TTC if I couldn't stay home and be a full-time mom and wife, and wouldn't have married a man who wouldn't support me in that. I believe it's important for the optimum emotional/social development of my kids, as well as better for the financial and physical health of our family. In the past I was something of a work-a-holic and it did a number on my health. Now I'm a homemaker, and my husband truly loves having me home to cook and take care of him, our amazing dog, and the house.

I chose to be a virgin until I got married. Where I come from, there were not very many guys who would spend more than five minutes with someone who wouldn't have sex on the third or fourth or tenth date. I wanted to hold out for a real quality man that I was sure loved me for all the right reasons and didn't just make empty promises to get into my pants. This definitely worked out well, because I had never imagined I could find so great a man who could treat me so well and be my best friend through it all (especially with all the stressful/emotional/hormonal ups and downs, as well as other health issues I have/had).

It also financially protects children to have married parents, in the case that one of the parents decides to walk out. I'm sure you know your DPs well, but I have known at least 3 men in my lifetime whose personalities seemed to change overnight and they walked out on their families for good, leaving them to fend for themselves if not for court-mandates that forced them to pay alimony and child-support. One of these men was my own dad, and to this day I still don't understand how it happened. Just *snap* he was no longer my dad that I'd known all my life.

I also don't believe you have to have a big wedding to get all the perks of being married. You just need that piece of paper signed by a judge or other qualified person. People make contracts whenever going into business together...I say children are far more precious than any business proposition.

 

[MaerynPearl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bananabee I guess I am very old-fashioned for 29 yrs old. I don't believe everyone should necessarily have the same values I do, but here are mine: I would not be TTC if I couldn't stay home and be a full-time mom and wife, and wouldn't have married a man who wouldn't support me in that. I believe it's important for the optimum emotional/social development of my kids, as well as better for the financial and physical health of our family. In the past I was something of a work-a-holic and it did a number on my health. Now I'm a homemaker, and my husband truly loves having me home to cook and take care of him, our amazing dog, and the house. I chose to be a virgin until I got married. Where I come from, there were not very many guys who would spend more than five minutes with someone who wouldn't have sex on the third or fourth or tenth date. I wanted to hold out for a real quality man that I was sure loved me for all the right reasons and didn't just make empty promises to get into my pants. This definitely worked out well, because I had never imagined I could find so great a man who could treat me so well and be my best friend through it all (especially with all the stressful/emotional/hormonal ups and downs, as well as other health issues I have/had). It also financially protects children to have married parents, in the case that one of the parents decides to walk out. I'm sure you know your DPs well, but I have known at least 3 men in my lifetime whose personalities seemed to change overnight and they walked out on their families for good, leaving them to fend for themselves if not for court-mandates that forced them to pay alimony and child-support. One of these men was my own dad, and to this day I still don't understand how it happened. Just *snap* he was no longer my dad that I'd known all my life. I also don't believe you have to have a big wedding to get all the perks of being married. You just need that piece of paper signed by a judge or other qualified person. People make contracts whenever going into business together...I say children are far more precious than any business proposition.

First *hug* hello to a fellow military-love. It's tough being in these shoes, isn't it?

Second, my first was the sort to just walk out. He left me with our two kids, an apartment with rent and bills due, no car, no money and no food. We were married but that didn't stop him.

 

[HisBeautifulWife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItIsEasyBeingGreen Now I know that is a very opininated subject but I really need some thoughts.

Just because bad things happen in marriages it doesn't mean that marriage is worthless.

That being said, I would never have a child with someone I wasn't married to. I can't even fathom that.

I think that having children and then getting married is backwards. But I know that people have all kinds of justifications that I don't find valid so while I don't agree, I won't try and convince anyone who isn't my child otherwise.

I've never really considered the legal benefits of marriage in my decision. To me it's just always been the right thing to do and something I was happy about. My wedding wasn't about all these shallow things like flowers and cakes; it was about celebrating our love.

 

[finn'smama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HisBeautifulWife Just because bad things happen in marriages it doesn't mean that marriage is worthless. That being said, I would never have a child with someone I wasn't married to. I can't even fathom that. I think that having children and then getting married is backwards. But I know that people have all kinds of justifications that I don't find valid so while I don't agree, I won't try and convince anyone who isn't my child otherwise. I've never really considered the legal benefits of marriage in my decision. To me it's just always been the right thing to do and something I was happy about. My wedding wasn't about all these shallow things like flowers and cakes; it was about celebrating our love.

Bolding mine-this is really rubbing me the wrong way. I'm pretty sure our reasons for not getting married are valid. While you may feel that marriage is the path that is right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone. I guess I just don't get disagreeing with someone else not getting married. My relationship with my dp is at least as strong as any "married" couple, maybe stronger since we stay together because we are committed to that, not because we are bound by a piece of paper. Having children is our way of celebrating our love.
If there were no such thing as divorce you may be able to convince me....

 

[crunchymamatobe]

My partner and I aren't married. We've been together for nine years and are engaged, but that has been the status for the last four years and we have a conceived-on-purpose 2.5 year old. We'll get married eventually, we just haven't gotten around to it yet!

The only person who ever ever said anything about us having a baby and not being married was DP's 90+ year old grandmother, whose opinion really doesn't concern me.

 

[Mosaic]

Moving to family planning...

 

[Teenytoona]

My partner and I weren't married when we decided to commit to each other. We weren't married when wedecided to stop using protection and see what happens. Marriage isn't important to me, however commitment is. I've really felt secure in that with him and didn't feel the need to marry. But Mr Toona did. Also we married due to benefits and other reasons (first of kin, etc). But I don't feel that marriage should be the only way to do this. In my ideal world, there would be no marriage.

I don't think people need marriage to be committed to each other. There are plenty of ways to have that commitment to one another. People tend to leave marriages if they want anyways, I don't see them as being more binding. The commitment level comes with the individual couple, how they approach it as a couple and individuals.

But then again, we are an unusual household, he S/WAHD and I'm WOHM. We don't wear wedding rings. He's much better with the kids on a day-to-day basis and I'm better with the finances. We work together within our strengths and weaknesses, and I think we do that pretty well. We always have even before marriage.

What I read about you, you seem quite committed. I see nothing wrong with brining a child into that environment. Actually seems like quite a nice family in which to grow up.