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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A very close friend of mine is scheduled for a c-section tomorrow. She has been planning a VBAC since the start of her pregnancy, but she will be 42 weeks on Wednesday and her doctor does not feel comfortable letting her continue. He had initially wanted to schedule her for Friday, but she asked to have until tomorrow.

She is very disappointed, and feels as if her body is 'broken' or has let her down. She commented today that she was given a fair shot, it just wasn't to be.

This whole situation makes me feel incredibly sad. Not because I really think anyone did anything wrong, there isn't anyone to blame, I just really wanted her to have the wonderful VBAC experience I was able to have.

I want to offer her the best support possible, but I don't know what to say. I don't want to ignore the fact that she is really disappointed by this, but I don't want to keep bringing it up either.

Any thoughts from those who have "been there/done that?". What support would you have wanted from your friends both before and after your cesarean birth?
 

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Gosh, knowing that you're going to have a rcs just stinks. <sigh>

Is she just dead-set on it? How does she feel about an induction? maybe a foley catheter? It seems like there has to be another option than just going straight to the c/s.

I guess if I were in your shoes and my friend was already 100% set on the rcs I would put on a brave happy face and support her choice anyways. That's what friends do best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
To be honest I think she's just done fighting it - it's been a long 2 weeks and very emotional for her. Induction isn't an option (although I don't think a Foley's Catheter was discussed), she's tried most 'natural' induction methods. I've suggested chiro and acupuncture - I think making anymore suggestions will come across as me looking down on her. She's not happy about the rcs, it's not really her 'choice', it just seems her options have run out.
 

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A local mom in my ICAN chapter had a similar story, except when she went into the hospital for the rcs, they did a strip first and found she was in labor so the dr. sent her home and she went on to have a successful vbac. And this was after a successful version at 39 weeks! So maybe there's still hope? It's not over until it's over.
 

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I have not been there, so take this for what it's worth but if it really seems like this is how it's going to be, and further advice on ways to avoid the c/s will just hurt her - then as a PP said, be positive about the c/s. Maybe help her prepare to have c/s the way she wants it - a list of requests such as music, having the baby placed on her chest asap, having her partner stay with the baby if it becomes necessary to move the baby from the same room as her, any little touches that will make it feel a little less sterile/surgical to her - again some favourite music, aromatherapy, soothing words, whatever works for her. SOme way for her to claim the birth as her own even though it's not the way she wanted it to be.
 

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I have to agree with Limabean. I had my 40 week appt yesterday (at 40w2d) and I am not dilated or effaced at all. Because there is no dilatation the foley catheter is not an option for me so unless something happens by my next appt next week I am looking at a rcs on 12/12 (42w6d). It sucks, but the ideas that Limabean listed sound wonderful. I'll have to talk with my mw at my next appt if there is no progress and see how that would work for me...

I'm sorry your friend is dealing with this. I know how emotional it is.
 

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I had my HBAC at 41+6. With a likely CS the next day. So it aint' over 'til it's over!!! Just be supportive however you can. It SUCKED being in that position. I hated it. When labor actually began I could barely believe it! Just support her. Whatever she needs.
 

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I've been there. 42w and 2d is when I had my RCS after a failed induction. Honestly, I wish someone would have been there to tell me baby is okay and you can put this off and your body knows how to give birth. When I was in your friends situation I felt like her- I was tired of fighting and at that point felt selfish for wanting a VBAC. Especially after my once very very supportive careprovider told me that the risk of me waiting any longer was fetal death and he couldn't be responsible for it. Something about 42 weeks just freaks a lot of careproviders out. I think castor oil is a very supportive suggestion
It started my labor- unfortunately it was too late as I was already in the hospital and intervention began.

I'm sorry for your friend. DH and I were so emotional and tired by that point (and me hormonal) that we really weren't thinking clearly and I wish to this day somebody would have been a little harsh and kicked me in the butt and said you know you can do it- if baby looks fine don't let them pressure you for something arbitrary like 42 weeks.

Anyways, I get not wanting her to think you are looking down on her and if she is trying to make peace with this decision I think just letting her know you are there for her is best. DH is the only person I had to talk to about my dissappointing birth and he could only take so much. Maybe she would appreciate some help with her other child/children and meals, etc because I know I was depressed for a little while after birth and didn't feel like doing ANYTHING. For me, having someone who I felt understood my pain or was willing to listen would be invaluable.
 

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I think you're a wonderful friend to have! My best friend was scheduled for a c/s and went into labor a few days before. Baby was in a good position, she was dialated to 5cm when she arrived, everything seemed to be in order for a vaginal delivery. But it was late Sat night and the OB insisted that going ahead with the c/s would be best...

Long story short, just be there for her! Let her know you're not there to judge but to listen and be supportive. It's really hard to process a disappointing birth experience if people won't just stop and listen to what you have to say and how you feel about it. Hope it all works out for you!!
 

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I had an unwanted RCS. IMO just be there and help her celebrate bringing a new person into life! If she cries or wants to talk about her disappointment just give her a hug and let her know it's okay to be disappointed. Most of all just be happy for her beautiful baby.
 

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I was at 42 weeks when I attempted a vbac with ds2. It didn't happen. It was hard because I had spent so, so much time, emotion, focusing, everything - for 34 weeks gearing up for it. Then as my due date came...and went...and nothing happened, it was very hard. I had myself convinced that through sheer will of mine, support of our doula and midwives and husband, even the support of friends in a support group that I attended, that I could and would have that vbac - no matter what.

I was so sad when I had to have the 2nd c/s. I was also completely shocked that it turned out okay. Not just okay, but great. It turned out to be completely different than my first emergency c/s and the support that I received from my doula, midwives, husband and friends was amazing! So things didn't go the way I wanted, and as a control freak that was hard, but the love and support and validation that I had from those who surrounded me made all the difference.

You are a great friend! I would just keep telling your friend that the decision is out of her hands and that she can still be a strong mother and a great advocate for her baby even if the birth is not her ideal situation. I need to hear that a LOT after the birth, and I never got tired of people telling me.
 
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