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Twice now in the past few weeks we have people make comments about how there are no rules at our house...but we do have rules, but all of our rules are in line with UP values. I find it interesting how people with mainstream rules think you have no rules if you don't have the same rules as them. Take yesterday...DD and neighbor jumping on bed, neighbor mom comes over and sees, and I said, "oh, this is fine at our house". She replies, "oh I figured, you are the no rules, be a kid, have fun house". Not a minute later she walks past our bulletin board where we have Kohn's rules hanging, and she asks "what's this?" and I say "our rules" with a smile. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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I think that a lot of people never get past the super judgmental part of Kohn's book to the part where he makes sense. If you don't get past that first part it seems like a system used by whiny people who can't get over their past and who are now to pansy even to tell their kid not to hit them, this perception only grows if you go to some of the websites dedicated to UP.<br><br>
I didn't get past the first part until dd was six and I read his book for teachers. After that I was more receptive and willing to push through the judgmental garbage at the front so I could get to the good stuff to help me as a parent and a teacher. I like a lot of what he says and I love the message of reflecting as a parent, not imposing meaningless rules just because that is what your parents did, and being respectful of kids needs and desires. I wish the book was written differently so more people would be able to stand it long enough to get that message and use it.
 

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Could I ask what Kohn's rules are? I haven't read UP, but have read his book <i>The Homework Myth</i> and am curious, if you don't mind posting them.
 

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quick question!! UP stands for what?<br><br>
we are having an unassisted pregnancy (UP) but i know thats not what youre talking about! lol<br><br>
thanks
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CherryBombMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15434549"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">quick question!! UP stands for what?<br><br>
we are having an unassisted pregnancy (UP) but i know thats not what youre talking about! lol<br><br>
thanks</div>
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Unconditional Parenting, a book by Alfie Kohn.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>thelocknestmother</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433729"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Twice now in the past few weeks we have people make comments about how there are no rules at our house...but we do have rules, but all of our rules are in line with UP values. I find it interesting how people with mainstream rules think you have no rules if you don't have the same rules as them. Take yesterday...DD and neighbor jumping on bed, neighbor mom comes over and sees, and I said, "oh, this is fine at our house". She replies, "oh I figured, you are the no rules, be a kid, have fun house". Not a minute later she walks past our bulletin board where we have Kohn's rules hanging, and she asks "what's this?" and I say "our rules" with a smile. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"></div>
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I have no problem with that, as long as your kid understands and respect the rules when they are in my house.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>odenata</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15434467"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Could I ask what Kohn's rules are? I haven't read UP, but have read his book <i>The Homework Myth</i> and am curious, if you don't mind posting them.</div>
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<a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=1097324&highlight=unconditional+parenting" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...onal+parenting</a>
 

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yeah, I'm having a bit of a problem with that ... recently at a playgroup while talking to my LO (23months) about returning a special toy that he had just been given because the owner and playgroup host decided his turn was up, said host walked over and tried to physically take it from him. While I was talking to him.
 

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I think the main thing to ensure is that your child understand that your rules may not be the same in other houses. When we bought our new couches my son bounced on them and hubby commented that it was good to try them out and make sure they were up to standards <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> Fast forward a few days and we visit my mom's and he stands on couch about to do the same and my mom freaked. I had to remind him that it was ok at home but gramma didn't want him doing that (for safety of child and damage ctrl). I should have told him this before because growing up with those rules I should have known better.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>blackbird2</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15435625"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">yeah, I'm having a bit of a problem with that ... recently at a playgroup while talking to my LO (23months) about returning a special toy that he had just been given because the owner and playgroup host decided his turn was up, said host walked over and tried to physically take it from him. While I was talking to him.</div>
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I don't think that sounds like a question of rules. Rules would be no climbing on the furniture or no jumping on beds. What happen to you was really very rude and aggressive of the playgroup host. Gee lets teach manners by grabbing things from you. If the host didn't want your DS to play with the top they shouldn't have giving it to him. 23 months is too young for many LOs to be able to take turns. Even at my DDs preschool the teacher has one child ask the other child if they can have a turn and then if the first child says yes he/she promises to let the second child know when hes done. A child can say no not right now. Somethings like the small trampoline the kids count while some one is jumping and if they want to do it more they get in line for a turn. These are 3 and 4 year olds.
 
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