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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

My first post here. I am 3 1/2 months pregnant with my second child due early July. With my first I was induced in the hospital birthing center (although not the home like atmosphere of a midwife birthing center). I had a long hard labor and would not dialate enough and finally couln't stand it anymore and got an epidural slept for 4 hours and woke up to pain. The epidural was not working anymore the doctor checked me and I was ready to push which I felt everything of course the doctor's did not believe me. Later I found out that at that point if I was not dialated all the way I was headed off for a c-section.

After having Riley and finding mothering my outlook on birth and parenting has totally changed. Riley is breastfed still *gasp* and I am hoping she will throughout my pregnancy and beyond.

Ok back on the homebirth subject. I do not want an experience like last time. The more I research homebirth the more I long for one, however, this has caused argument after argument with my husband. He is dead set against it and I respect his feelings. He is worried about mine and the baby's health and feels more comfortable being at a hospital. ( I keep reminding him that the hospital is 5 min away if anything goes wrong at home). Of course none of my family members agree with me and my girlfriends outside of LLL think I am crazy.

The reasons why I want a homebirth are as follows: I want to be where I am comfortable which is at home, I don't want the entourage of people coming in and out of my room poking and prodding at me and the family members who don't listen and visit anyway. (We decided this time at the hospital that there are to be NO visitors at all whatsoever! They will be turned away and if a nurse sends anyone to my room they will be yelled at.)

The hospital beds are completely uncomfortable. Even after birthing. I cannot sleep in one and it is almost impossible to co-sleep with your baby in one of those beds.

If I am at home I can birth wherever it happens to be where I want to I don't care if I need to be on the kitchen table if I want to be there. Then I can take my baby to my breast, clean up, take the baby to bed and it just seems so much better!

Mostly it all revolves around my comfort and I think this will be much much more comfortable at home.

SO the compromise that was made with my husband after much arguing yesterday was that I would labor as much at home before going to the hospital. Oh and we are having a doula this time. I want to have a drug free birth as well. No pitocin, no epidural.

If I absolutely need to be induced this time, which I don't think I really needed it last time, I only want to do it if they can give me the cervidel and let me go home instead of sitting in the stupid hospital bed for the night.

Ok I think this post has been long enough. I don't know what type of responsed I want I just knew that posting here you all won't think I am crazy and brainwashed as my husband says and granola as my mother and friend says.

UPDATE

So after many many discussions with my husband he agreed to check out a birthing center. We took my mother as well as she has some very wrong views on what a birthing center is actually like. I loved this place! It is actually nicer than my home and I am excited to birth there. So after sitting with the director of the center for over an hour in one of the suites my DH and my mom got all of their questions answered and both of them feel much more at ease about a non-hosp birth. Of course with a non-hosp birth there is still always a chance that you can get transferred but I am willing to at least start out where I want to be.

Another good thing is that my friends and family have no idea where this place is so we won't get the swarm of visitors like we did last time


So the last problem is finding a midwife. My husband feels so connected to our OB and thinks she is a great doc. I am not arguing that point but the only place she delivers is in a hosp so that takes her out of the equasion. 12 midwives practice out of this center and I have 3 that were referred to me by friends that DH and I will interview. I know that DH was impressed at the amount of care that I will get from a midwife vs. an OB. He was surprised that she will stay thoughout labor and birth while I am there and then come to our home 4 times I belive within the first 8 weeks to check up on us.

So that is it. Wish me luck. Now I just need to compile a list of questions for our interviews.
 

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Keep working on your husband!
I had a homebirth and wouldn't do it any other way. My birth would have been a nightmare in a hospital (41.5 weeks, irregular contractions, late water breaking, long labor, LONG pushing) but at home it was perfect. Most likely at the hospital I would have ended up with a section- just because I didn't meet their norms.

My DH was hesitant about homebirth at first too, now he wouldn't have it any other way.

-Angela
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna

My DH was hesitant about homebirth at first too, now he wouldn't have it any other way.

-Angela
No see my husband isn't hesitant is is DEAD SET agianst it
I even asked him if it would change his mind talking to husbands of people I know through LLL who have homebirthed and he thinks that they are just as "brainwashed" as I am.

I love this guy to death though. I know he is just worried about safety. Ideally I think it would be great for him to attend a homebirth and see how safe it really is but that isn't going to happen.
 

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What really sold my ferociously overprotective husband on homebirth was reading some hospital birth stories...
you know the ones- where she says don't cut and they do... where dad says don't do that to the baby and they do... can turn a worry-wart into the biggest homebirth supporter around.


-Angela
 

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Buy a copy of Obstetric Myths versus REsearch REalities. Full of amazing research on how much SAFER it is for a typical woman to deliver AT HOME!! Hospitals can be very dangerous.
 

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Ditto on Henci Goer! If he's at all a scientific-type person that will sway him. My DH got entirely behind homebirth (and quite pissed off with the system...) when he saw the research in black and white.

-Angela
 

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Seriously, I don't see how ANYONE can read The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth and still opt for a hospital birth (pending true medical predisposition to be there in the first place). See if there's any way he would read it. You could present it to him like, "If I'm going to give birth in the hospital, then I need *you* to be very aware of all the procedures, medications, risks, etc. that they might want to push on me. I won't necessarily be clear headed enough to make well thought out & informed decisions in the moment so you HAVE to know this information - in advance - for the sake of me and the baby." Maybe then he'll read it and start to come around??? I'd also try to insist on him at least interviewing a few (say 3 if there are that many near you) homebirth midwifes. Tell him that you respect his opinion but you need him to approach this with an open mind. Let him know that you understand that this may not be the right choice for your family, but you (meaning he) really haven't looked into it yet. He could at least meet with them, ask his own questions, then formulate an opinion, don't you think? From what I've read on these boards (and in my case), the dh's are usually much more on board (if not completely) with a homebirth after meeting qualified midwifes and finding out how much they can do in an emergency situation, how they're handled, etc.
 

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One thing that just bugs me about what you wrote (and this is not your fault but I hear it all the time) is that your dh gets to be the one who insists that you give birth a certain way/place. If someone GETS to insist at all, why shouldn't it be you? I know you love him & respect his wishes and all, but shouldn't that be mutual?
 

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Hi, I'm new here and thought I'd jump in. If your dh doesn't want to read an entire book Henci Goer also has articles online. Not sure if I can post the link here but you can type her name into Google and the site should come up. Best of luck to you!!

-jeanine
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by love_homebirthing
One thing that just bugs me about what you wrote (and this is not your fault but I hear it all the time) is that your dh gets to be the one who insists that you give birth a certain way/place. If someone GETS to insist at all, why shouldn't it be you? I know you love him & respect his wishes and all, but shouldn't that be mutual?
I totally agree with that. I tried explaining to him that I understand how he is feeling but I am the one doing the birthing not him. Then of course I am the selfish one acting like it is only my child not his.
:

I really really really want to birth at home but right at the moment with all of the conversations between him and I it just seems that the compromise of laboring at home then to the hosp to birth is a good compromise for the moment. I can see if we did birth at home him making it hell with comments. That makes him sound so bad. He really isn't just when it comes to this subject. UGH! It drives me nuts!

He did agree to read the book mentioned above. Hopefully that will change his mind.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by soccerchic21
I totally agree with that. I tried explaining to him that I understand how he is feeling but I am the one doing the birthing not him. Then of course I am the selfish one acting like it is only my child not his.
:
the baby is of both of you, but your body, your dignity, your sanity, your emotional health is your only. can he guarantee that all those will be protected at the hospital?

I will second teh Henci Goer and reading birth stories suggestions (both beautiful homebirths as well as lots of hospital ones. you don't have to read too many to get "i told them not to, but they did it anyway" kind of stories. Unfortunately, they are everywhere).
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by soccerchic21
He did agree to read the book mentioned above. Hopefully that will change his mind.
Well, that's a good start. In the meantime, we're here for you!
 

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Sounds a little similar to my situation. Unfortunately, I haven't yet convinced my dh that we're having a homebirth next time. Fortunately we're not even ttc yet, so I've got time. That doesn't help you much though. I have read a lot and thought about this a lot already however, and maybe I can give some useful suggestions.

First, getting him to read the Henci Goer book is a great start. Glad to hear he's doing that - my dh won't because he feels he already knows a lot (he's an md - not ob/gyn) and because he believes it's all biased despite the fact that it's got TONS of references! ARGH! Anyway, that's a great start, although I doubt it'll be the end. If I managed to convince dh to read it, I'm sure he'd say one of two things: 1) Well, we're getting a doula so we'll be able to avoid all of those problems or 2) let's go to a birthcenter instead (at least I've already gotten my dh to agree to this, it's a step in the right direction)

Second, instead of addressing homebirth in a direct manner, like "I want a homebirth", address the reasons he doesn't want one. Say something like "why don't you want a homebirth?" Then, take each reason calmly and rationally and address them. If the reason is "because hospital is safer" then you can dispute that myth. Check out this link for some common concerns: http://www.homebirth.org.uk/whatif.htm If the reason is "because of the mess" then you can dispute that myth. Etc.

Third, find a homebirth attendant who you like and would be willing to assist at your labor/birth (I'm assuming you aren't interested in unassisted childbirth). Take dh to meet this person and let them convince him that homebirth is good and safe (assuming safety is the issue).

Good luck and please let us know how things go! I especially would like to hear what actually works and doesn't work because I'm probably going to need to use some of these ideas on my dh next time I'm pregnant. I AM going to have a homebirth next time, even if dh doesn't know it yet.
 

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You can love him deeply, immensely, like crazy AND he can still be Wrong!

Do not sacrifice your heart's longing for him. Not only do you not do yourself any service by doing so, but you do not do any service to him as well. It will damage your relationship. Gauranteed.

Wishing you much clearity and love on this journey.
 

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I was less than happy with the treatment I received at a hospital birth centre when I had my second child, so when pg with #3 I started doing lots of research. I had never considered hb in the past because I thought hospital was safer, and I was very surprised to discover that this is not the case. The more I researched the more I wanted a hb.

When I mentioned homebirth to DH his answer was a firm "NOT A CHANCE".

DH is not a reader and there is no way he would have sat down to read a book on birth research. But I used to tell him what I was discovering. I remember being astounded at one study which showed foetal distress was 17 times more likely in hospital births compared to homebirth.

If your DH's concerns are safety, do your research and tell him what you find. If he wants you to have the baby in hospital because he believes it is safer, show him the reputable studies which show this is NOT the case.

We had our daughter at home and my hubby is now the biggest convert; he loves to tell everyone how fantastic homebirth is!

My first two children are not his so this was the only birth he has witnessed. I recently showed him a video of my second birth in a hospital birth centre and he was appalled. The word he chose to describe it was: "violent".

Our daughter was born in July 2003, I don't think I even considered hb until February of that year and we engaged a midwife around April / May. It is not too late!

Rachele
 

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WOW my husband and I are having this SAME exact argument!
We have come to the same conclusion!
I am still reading things and I have to admit I am a little scared of it too! I have never known anyone who chose home birth and the first I heard that people still did it was when my daughter was about 13mos old!
So it is hard for me to truly trust my body! I figured out I could do anything when I brought my milk back in 5wks postpartum and breastfed her until 13mos when she quit! So I am learning to trust my body but we'll see if I can change his mind! I have been looking into what our ins would cover and what I would likely have to pay! It is looking unassisted at this point which I am not real comfortable with! But maybe I will labor so long that it will be to late! Then I will have to birth at home!
 

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I think that you should just take him to interview a midwife or two - they are great at answering any type of question that your husband or you could have. I did the whole "labor at home then go to the hospital" thing. I ended up still laboring at the hospital for 18 hours fighting every intervention and signing waivers left and right. Not to mention my CNM who IMHO never acted any differently than an OB would have - breaking my water - telling me to push before I ever had an urge to do it on my own giving me pitocin, scheduling an induction (which I avoided but used castor oil to avoid hospital induction).

I just had my 3rd interview with as many midwives ( I knew she was the one though) and she asked me in detail about dd's hospital birth and i realized how much I was in the dark about and how much doubt that one birth had put on my ability to birth on my own. Things like the routine use of Pitocin to get the placenta out - no one told me it was routine, they just did it. I thought for all these years that for some reason I couldn't get the placenta out. My dd's head didn't cone - why? I had no idea, I thought maybe something was wrong with her skull but the midwife said that just meant that I had a great pelvis! No one ever told me that. No one mentioned that it was fine. I was told my dd and I had incompatible blood types and that my blood would make her jaundice - it never happened. I thought that would be an issue with any child that dh and I made, midwife said no, your child you are bearing right now may have a different blood type than dd. Maybe I was ignorant about blood typing, but this was something that I was afraid of because my CNM never took the time to clarify these things with me.

There are many more tiny little issues like this, and they are all rather small - but when added up, I would prefer the comfort of knowing that at the very least I will get answers and not be in the dark for 5+ years.

I think that if your husband just met a homebirth midwife (or two) he would realize that there are a lot of answers to a lot of questions that you two may never have even thought of.
 

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AWESOME!!! Thanks for updating and happy to hear the good news! Good luck on choosing a midwife. Remember that although it would be nice to choose once and be done, you can always change if it becomes evident that you need to. There are lots of great lists and links floating around these forums with questions for a midwife. One question - do you necessarily deliver with the midwife that you choose or do all 12 alternate? Hopefully you get to choose. Sounds like a great situation for you - I'm so glad to hear things worked out and that you like the birthcenter so much. YAY!
 
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