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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been keeping up with posts here and there, and trying to post whenever I thought I could be helpful. I haven't posted in a while though. It seems like there are new developments all the time in my life. I'm going through a new and surprising development that I'd like feed back from you mamas.<br><br>
I moved to a different state than my stbxh's to be with family. But as I posted earlier, my mom cut me out of her life, and now my brother and I aren't getting along. But, my mom and I are reconciled. She wrote me a note that I thought was a nice gesture, and she's been very respectful of boundaries. But I'm living with my brother, and he and I are just totally different. And he's a bachelor with no clue about kids. He's pretty unhappy. He told me that if things didn't improve, he didn't think it would work.<br><br>
Then my stbxh came to visit this weekend, and after being very unhappy with him for so long, I was surprised to find that I really needed his presence. First of all, my ds was absolutely thrilled. He was so sad when we had to say good-bye. It was so vastly different from the way my brother is with ds - My brother will totally ignore ds if he's having a problem with me, usually about the way I keep house (which by the way is immaculate - he will pick two or three idiosyncratic things to complain about). My brother just does not put himself in ds' shoes. And you know what? I don't really blame him. He's unencumbered and should enjoy living his life the way he wants while he still is a "free" man (i.e. no family yet, though he wants one in the near future).<br><br>
Stbxh just exuded joy at seeing ds, and ds could pick up on that right away. And when we were out, stbxh always carried him and took him in and out of the car seat. He was very conscious of the fact that I did that all the time, so he wanted to give me a break. No one does that for me now.<br><br>
Stbxh never really wanted me to leave the state and let me leave very, very reluctantly. He regrets that now, and says he needs to see ds more and says he's been depressed. I agree that ds needs to see him more.<br><br>
The biggest problem, however, has been that he is a gambling addict. I was afraid that I'd agree to let him support us, but then he'd have no money to give us. I thought that was why being with my brother would be better. At least ds and I would have a roof and meals no matter what happened, and my brother was willing at the time. But stbxh surprised me again by coming with a support check for more than I asked for (well, to be applied to the month's support), and has kept up with the house payments, and all the bills. Wow. He made the offer again to rent us an apartment where he lives. I think I'll have to accept.<br><br>
I would get a job, and maybe I'll just do that. But loved ones, including stbxh, and including myself, would love to finish my Ph.D. I'm ABD right now. I've adjuncted for the last 5 years and it has done more harm than good. It has really steered me away from my own dissertation, so I would rather not teach part time at all. I would rather get a full-time job than that.<br><br>
This is mostly about his addiction. I don't know if can trust that he'll support us consistently. But I guess then, I'd just get a job, as I was planning to do while at my brother's. No big loss there. Plus, my ds wants to see him more and stbxh wants to see ds more too. So I definitely should move back to stbxh's state, right?<br><br>
TIA
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mommay</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've been keeping up with posts here and there, and trying to post whenever I thought I could be helpful. I haven't posted in a while though. It seems like there are new developments all the time in my life. I'm going through a new and surprising development that I'd like feed back from you mamas.<br><br>
I moved to a different state than my stbxh's to be with family. But as I posted earlier, my mom cut me out of her life, and now my brother and I aren't getting along. But, my mom and I are reconciled. She wrote me a note that I thought was a nice gesture, and she's been very respectful of boundaries. But I'm living with my brother, and he and I are just totally different. And he's a bachelor with no clue about kids. He's pretty unhappy. He told me that if things didn't improve, he didn't think it would work.<br><br>
Then my stbxh came to visit this weekend, and after being very unhappy with him for so long, I was surprised to find that I really needed his presence. First of all, my ds was absolutely thrilled. He was so sad when we had to say good-bye. It was so vastly different from the way my brother is with ds - My brother will totally ignore ds if he's having a problem with me, usually about the way I keep house (which by the way is immaculate - he will pick two or three idiosyncratic things to complain about). My brother just does not put himself in ds' shoes. And you know what? I don't really blame him. He's unencumbered and should enjoy living his life the way he wants while he still is a "free" man (i.e. no family yet, though he wants one in the near future).<br><br>
Stbxh just exuded joy at seeing ds, and ds could pick up on that right away. And when we were out, stbxh always carried him and took him in and out of the car seat. He was very conscious of the fact that I did that all the time, so he wanted to give me a break. No one does that for me now.<br><br>
Stbxh never really wanted me to leave the state and let me leave very, very reluctantly. He regrets that now, and says he needs to see ds more and says he's been depressed. I agree that ds needs to see him more.<br><br>
The biggest problem, however, has been that he is a gambling addict. I was afraid that I'd agree to let him support us, but then he'd have no money to give us. I thought that was why being with my brother would be better. At least ds and I would have a roof and meals no matter what happened, and my brother was willing at the time. But stbxh surprised me again by coming with a support check for more than I asked for (well, to be applied to the month's support), and has kept up with the house payments, and all the bills. Wow. He made the offer again to rent us an apartment where he lives. I think I'll have to accept.<br><br>
I would get a job, and maybe I'll just do that. But loved ones, including stbxh, and including myself, would love to finish my Ph.D. I'm ABD right now. I've adjuncted for the last 5 years and it has done more harm than good. It has really steered me away from my own dissertation, so I would rather not teach part time at all. I would rather get a full-time job than that.<br><br>
This is mostly about his addiction. I don't know if can trust that he'll support us consistently. But I guess then, I'd just get a job, as I was planning to do while at my brother's. No big loss there. Plus, my ds wants to see him more and stbxh wants to see ds more too. So I definitely should move back to stbxh's state, right?<br><br>
TIA</div>
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I'm not a mom, but I'll supply my 2c... Yeah! I'd say move back. Your ex doesn't sound so bad. He may need to get some help for the gambling, but your son needs him, and it can't be good living with your brother - especially if there's tension between you. That's the type of environment kids need to be out of. I assume you have court-ordered child support, so maybe you can have the court attach your ex's paycheck for the support - and then if he gambles the rest away, that's his problem. But preferably, he'll get help. If nothing else, you'll give your brother a break that he will appreciate.<br><br>
Good luck,<br><br>
Pete
 

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Will you get a job when you get there, or will you only get a job if he fails to support you? Because if one week he can't pay the rent, and you don't have the money, by the time you get a job you might be seriously behind in the rent payments. I'm not trying to be negative, I just think its something you should think about. Maybe you could ask him to put some money in a savings account, so that you have something to fall back on if that happens.<br><br>
other than that, my impression from your post is that you want to go. So go <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Do you want to try to work thing out with him and live together again? Do you have other family and friends in that area in case something happens with STBX? It's always good to have a backup plan just in case something happens. It's probably good to have a long serious talk with STBX about the logistics of you moving back and maybe even get some things in writing beforehand. Would he be willing to check in to gambler's anonymous?<br><br>
Just be sure to thing everything out before making the move. Good luck with whatever you decide.
 

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I don't know what to tell you. The choice isn't necessarily between your brother and your ex even though it seems like it is. I definitely think it would be easier to be closer to your childs father if you can make it work on your own. I wouldn't want to have to completely rely on the ex.
 

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I would say go. By the sounds of it, your in the same situation about a job no matter where your at. And you may get more of a break here and there, living closer to his daddy. And he would get more time with his daddy.<br>
How do you feel about it? Whats your gut say? I say as long as you got your own back, go. I'm glad your my and you have reconciled. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You know, after reading the op again, the answer to my question seems pretty obvious. But when I moved out and stbxh was truly terrible to me, it didn't seem so obvious. I know ds would be better off closer to his father, but not a father who was being totally disrespectful towards me, bordering on abusive, fueled by his addiction. He also is borderline alcoholic. I won't go into it, but his addiction in the past has led him to go months straight spending 100% of his paychecks. He used to jump turnstiles because we needed every dang penny in the house, so no $1.50. And he was and is a wall street trader!, now a VP. But what's the point, we never have money. He'll pour thousands of dollars into poker, but nothing for our savings or ds' college savings, etc. And I was the nay-sayer, and TARGET for all his frustrations from losses and stress, etc. I said I wouldn't get into it.<br><br>
But now that I'm out of harm's way, my focus can return to what's best for Kyle. I think the best thing right now is to take my chances and get the support I need to finish my studies, so that I can eventually teach and have the hours I want to spend with him. I could take another job, but I am so close to my Ph.D. Stbxh is willing to help. If all else fails, I'll go ahead and look for a job. I actually do have savings now. I walked away with enough money to buffer ds and me from total hardship. And in the meantime, ds can be closer to his dad, which he would love, and makes me really happy too. I really do want to cultivate a good relationship between ds and his dad. I have always done that no matter how bad I thought things were getting. So thanks everyone for helping me to decide. Even when I think I know what I want to do, it always helps to get feedback that deepens my own understanding of what I want to do.<br><br>
And Pete, all us goils keep putting you on the spot, but I really appreciate having a male perspective. It's awsome that you're on mothering, and getting in the mix. I don't have court-ordered support, but I will do that if necessary. It's just that in the state he lives in, court-ordered support is often cumbersome and supposedly not very efficient.
 
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