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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i was just posting about co-sleeping problems and realized, people asked me for updates and i haven't posted! i'm sorry about that!

things are status quo for now ... he's working full time now, so it's just me and Willow most of the day. and it is heaven!!
especially when i drop him at work and keep the car. not having to deal with the stairs is making a HUGE difference, i'm much more independent, in less pain, and have much more energy.

but he will NOT get out of the family bed, no matter how many times i ask him to, even if i say "i insist! and you are making things worse every time you refuse." we still have the spare bed but he put it in the garage. so Willow is forced to sleep in the co-sleeper at the foot of the bed, the way he moved things into the bedroom, and it SUCKS. i can't hear her cues as early. she'll sleep in my arms after her early-morning wake to eat session, but before that she really likes to spread out and wiggle around a bit. so it's not working, trying to fit her between us.

the three weeks he slept elsewhere, were the three BEST weeks sleep i have ever had! and Willow slept so well also, her days were much better. now we're both waking up tired and cranky. or, i've tucked her into my arms and she wakes up happy but my arms and hands have gone numb


anyway. he keeps saying he loves me and wants to "start over." i keep telling him, starting over makes no sense to me, because the person he is now is different from the person i met and fell in love with ... the person he is now, if i met him for the first time right now, i wouldn't be attracted to him at all. he just keeps repeating that he's sorry, he loves me, let's start over, let's make it work. but i know it's one thing to say those things, and another thing to DO them. and so far i don't see him able to follow his words with actions.

there's been no violence or anger. he's at work all day, comes home happy, we don't interact much. i think being unemployed for so long is what pushed him over the edge (no excuse, but a reason). he expects me to be "over it" by now (it's been 5 weeks) so i feel guilty and uncharitable and bitchy


i still have my safety kit and money in a safe place. and i'm stalling on unpacking anything but the most essential stuff. i need to wait and watch, know what i mean?

ETA: duhh, i forgot questions!! ... is it unreasonable of me to insist that he leave me and the baby alone in the family bed? so that we can both get good sleep? he'd have to move the guest bed back in, put it in the baby's room, but i don't see that as a problem (when she starts to play in that room, she can use the bed for jumping on, napping, playing on). i want to insist, but it feels like i'm being a bitch
 

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Melly, you don't want to be with this man. That fact rings out in every post. I know you are restricted by your physical situation, but I think you need to find a way to not be living with him anymore. Is that at all possible? He is not respecting your needs or the baby's needs at all...this is not healthy and is, IMO, emotional black mail.

I'm also concerned by the fact that he arranged your new home in a way that forces you to accept him in your bed. Another form of control and emotional black mail.

Hugs to you mama...feel free to ignore my late night ravings :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
i do want to be with him, i just want, and need, time to heal from the mistakes he's made. it's hard to retreat to my cave and lick my wounds when he follows me, know what i mean? i like to take time to process how i feel about something, "marinate in it" i guess you could say, i don't like rushing. so he keeps expecting me i guess to wake up one day and say "ok! everything is fine now!" but i know life doesn't work that way. i love him so deeply, but i'm not in love with him right now. but i can see being in love with him again, especially now that he's working and his depression is lifting. not a day goes by that i don't find something new to love about him ... that's how i know i'm not ready to move on, because i keep thinking "i want to spend my life with this man! i just want the bad stuff to get resolved."

ahh, i don't think i'm making sense. trying to think of how to put it. *hmmmm* i think he became abusive because he allowed his life to go totally out of control, and i know he tried to blame some of that on me. he's apologized for all of it, and he's making good on the apology by not continuing the abusive behavior. i see him taking responsibility for things now that he never did before. but part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, because things went so badly so quickly, i feel like it could happen again. i'm not sure how long things will have to be status quo before i feel truly safe again. at least things aren't getting worse! and in some ways they are getting better. so basically i'm in a very complex, confusing spot, nothing i can find a black-or-white issue in. if he hit me, i'd leave in a heartbeat. if he mistreated Willow, i'd leave in a heartbeat. what happened was in the grey area, so it's harder to decide to leave or stay, or ask him to leave or stay. i just feel like i need to wait, and watch patiently. but at the same time be ready to leave quickly if i need to.

i feel guilty for waiting for the other shoe to drop! i mean, what if this marriage isn't going to work because i'm holding the full extent of my feelings back from him? what if i get stuck holding a grudge and miss out on things improving? ahhh, i feel like such a mess!
 

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mellybean-
I'm just wondering what would happen if he lost his job again? Would he go back to the abuse, or is he getting help with his depresion? I would definately make that a requirement of any relationship with him. Also I don't think that there is a problem with asking him to sleep in another room, if he is truly sorry, you'd think he would be going out of his way to make things easier on you. I have to agree with dido1 that his moving things around so he has to be in your bed is extremly manipulative and controlling. I know you want things to work out, and I pray they do, but I think it sounds like there is still a lot of issues going on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Catherine, i'm wondering the same things. i told him straight out, i still feel anxious about his ability to keep a job, and that i'll relax a bit when the 90-day probationary period has passed (they can fire you without cause in this state within that 90 days ... it's a sneaky way to snag a temp employee who doesn't know they're a temp!). i also told him, this time around, to please trust me and confide in me when he's having problems at work. i used to be in management and i've had to deal with office politics, so i offer him my help ... one of the jobs he was fired from could have been saved with a simple pre-emptive "CYA" ("cover your ass") memo, i would have directed him to a website on how to deal with situations like that. he was too proud to tell me what was happening. i don't want to have to run his life for him, but i don't mind being a consultant!

one solution to the bed thing is to get a king-size bed, so the baby can have room in the middle. i'd feel comfortable having her right next to me all night, and could gradually become at ease with him in the bed again. she loves having some space, especially in warm weather, she doesn't like being right in my arms but just beside me. so we've discussed putting aside money to get a king-size bed. i asked him to move the other mattress back inside until we can get the bigger bed, and he said he'd think about it, but he's hurt that i don't want to sleep with him. i said i'm hurt that he caused a situation where i don't feel comfortable sleeping with him! so we're at a standoff on that one right now.

everything else is going ok, which is giving me hope. if it were more than just the sleeping arrangements right now, i wouldn't even be thinking about us staying together. we're both putting a lot into creating new happy memories each day, and that means a lot to me. but he knows i am feeling so, SO cautious.
 

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How about telling him that one reason you are not able to get over the psychotic break he seemed to have is that he's not taking any responsibility for it? One way he could show you that he's being responsible is by honoring your request to get out of the bed!

Then #2 is for him to seek serious professional help. If someone has a break like that and starts being violent, they need to get some kind of mental health check-up. The fact that he's not owning up to it and isn't apologetic and is making it your problem makes me very nervous. Was this really a break, or is this how he wants things, with you on edge? Not good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
doing so-so. mostly i'm alone all day because he's working, which i enjoy. i missed playgroup today because i couldn't get a ride and couldn't keep the car, though. taking Willow out for a walk in a lil bit. i can comfortably drive once a week, that's pushing myself, but in a good way. 2 days a week, no way. anyway, i have a dr's appt. tomorrow so that's my one day to keep it. i started having some really strange symptoms after all the stress stuff, they're not going away, so i'm getting checked out. we've been going to my therapy pool 2-3 times a week, Willow loves swimming!! and i love the warm water exercise.
he still hasn't moved the other bed in ... he also has to clear a huge pile of boxes to place the bed, and he hasn't started on that pile. so, status quo for now.
 

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Melli - you do know about the cycles of abuse and the "honeymoon period" in between those cycles? Be prepared for things to turn ugly again, have a plan in place for when/if it happens, and above all, do not let him know about it!

Don't make excuses for his behavior. Don't let him make excuses either. Apologies don't come with conditions or "buts". It was never your fault, and it is symptomatic of the abuse that he would blame you for what HE did to you! If he's willing to work on his problems, that's great, but don't take his word for it, you have to see him actually put forth the effort to change. That most certainly includes getting appropriate sort of therapy and counselling. It seems to me he's using the bed situation to continue the manipulative/abusive atmosphere in your relationship. That he's playing that poor pitiful me card, hurt feelings, etc., is a huge warning sign that things aren't really getting better under the surface.
 

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Melly,

Yes I know that you love him but, please please be careful. i went through the honeymoon cycle with my ex husband, and it's definately not fun. Being built up and then tore down over and over took a toll on my mental, and emotional well being. As well as my children's. Finally for their sake, I had to make him leave. It definately wasn't fair to my kids to watch Mommy be on the roller coaster any more.

If he won't leave Willow and you sleep in peace, is there somewhere else that you could go stay until you know for sure what you want? Can I ask a very hard question? Are you staying with him just because you are afraid of losing Willow if you don't?

Just remember that we all love you and are thinking of both you a nd Willow. Take care of yourself!
'
 
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