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update on our situation

1026 Views 9 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  mandalamama
by "our," i mean me and Willow
(the start of the story is in this thread if you haven't read it. long thread!)

we're moved downstairs, which is a HUGE relief. already today i was able to sling Willow and walk outside with her, get the mail, show her the flowers and trees
we ended up with only my husband's sister helping, all his "friends" were no-shows, so he's still moving stuff down and cleaning up tonight. i've been pushing it to the max helping out, i f'ed up my wrists and knees pretty badly so i was going to go to see my rheumatologist tomorrow about intense physical therapy and possibly meds. but Pan got good news today: he got a job! full time, no benefits, but it's a job!!!
so i'm not sure when i'll be able to get to physical therapy but i love the fact that i don't have stairs to deal with so i can just go out for a walk with Willow. i love walking outdoors.

i'm unpacking only what we really need. most of my boxes are marked. some things got mixed up when i couldn't get back upstairs to pack. but all the stuff Willow and i truly need are there for us.

he called his mom finally to borrow money, May's rent wasn't paid yet (because of his trouble with the car getting impounded) and the landlord called this morning saying he'd evict by the 2nd if we don't pay (i checked and he was within his legal rights). apparently my mom-in-law has had a beef with her son and was holding it in for the last 5 years, he got it full-force tonight. she's giving him the money but doesn't want to hear from him again. from what he told me, i totally agree with her. but she no longer wants to speak to me, i don't know what i did, other than marry her son. it may be because i can't work and contribute to the household?

in any case ... it's scaring me that my husband has done something 5 years ago that was so bad his own mom hates him.
he won't tell me what's up.

he's not a threat to me or Willow, at any rate. we're living separately as possible for now. i know having a full-time job will improve a LOT of things for him. but i'm still keeping my safety plan and bags ready.

is it wrong for me to want to have it both ways? i mean, to want things to work out between us, yet have one foot out the door ready to run if i need to?
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Meli, I'm glad you're finally in a situation where you can more realistically physically escape, and that he'll be working so you'll have more time apart from him. I still think your safest option, though, is to get the heck out entirely. Can you try to contact his mother and ask her what he did five years ago to make her cut him off like that? Did you hear her say she doesn't want to talk to you, or did he tell you that?

, to you and your baby girl. Stay safe.
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he said that she told him she doesn't want to speak to him again, but that she has to call me tomorrow to set up the arrangements to wire the money, and said "i don't want to talk to her either, but ..." so i don't know if she actually said it. i guess i'll know when she calls tomorrow! if i get a chance to talk with her about anything other than money, i definitely will. she's a woman i really love and respect, and love to listen to. she loves her family very deeply, so i know it has to be pretty bad for her to cut him off.

tonight, he's refusing to clean the upstairs apartment for the landlord to inspect tomorrow morning
that's a deposit-buster for sure, with this landlord! so now i have to try to get upstairs and do it myself.
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Please still make sure he pursues a psychiatric consult - while a job might help, it's just not going to ensure his stability.

I'm glad that things are looking up for Willow and you. Please keep us updated. Just wanted to tell you that we are thinking of you. Please keep you and your precious baby safe.
he'll have to find a therapist who takes late evening or Saturday appointments, but i am pressing him on it. he'll lose Medicaid by the end of June, so he can get a few visits in, anyway. he also has that hotline number he can call for brief counseling if he's angry. he's taken a walk once when he was pissed, it seemed to help him a LOT. so if he even starts in that direction, i'll remind him to take a walk. or i'll take a walk myself, with Willow!

what bothers me most is, he's still lying, and then denying he lied (i.e. making it seem like it's my imagination). i asked him yesterday, did he clean the apartment totally so the landlord won't see any mess? he said YES, that he didn't mop, but he did sweep the whole place. something about the way he said it set off a red flag for me. after he left for work i went up there (i did NOT need that extra trip up the stairs! ugh) and it was a total mess
i ended up with one large trash bag full of stuff. i wasn't able to sweep or mop it myself
when he came home, i asked him why did he lie to me. he just keeps saying "i didn't lie" and saying how tired he was. i totally understand him being tired, and i told him that. i do NOT understand the need to lie.
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this is just an idea, but maybe you have totally different ideas of what sweeping the place would result in. for example, if i ask dh if he washed the dishes, he will say yes, but if i go into the kitchen, there will still be dishes around the sink and the washing basin in the sink with cold soapy water in it and messes on all of the counters. to me, he didn't wash the dishes. period. and i can't understand how he thinks he did. but he really, really believes he washed the dishes. and then he may get defensive the more you push him on the cleaning the apartment issue (like, if you were using sort of shaming language that might make him retreat).

also, i've been thinking that he may have a lot on him as well given your disability and his, until recently, unemployment. i think it's really great that you've been pushing him for therapy and encouraging the cool down walks. i hope it all helps. it sort of sounds like you do love him still but there are a lot of other issues (incl. anger and victim feelings on both your parts) at play. good luck.
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I think your plan sounds ok. Of course, it would probably be best to just GO, but I do understand that it's not that easy. Physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically-- it's hard. So taking the time to prepare yourself for that and hoping that he might change in the meantime is probably a decent compromise.

I really hope things work out well for you. ((HUGS))
thank you for asking! he's working now, he's gone all day so it's been very quiet and peaceful. it's been too hot the last two days for me to take her to the park (i'm way more sensitive to heat after having her, for some reason!) but i think by next week i'll be rested/recovered enough to start dropping him off and keeping the car so we can mall-walk in some A/C at least. right now it's pretty much just me and Willow all day, and him working on unpacking stuff at night, no problems.
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