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<p>I've been pretty quiet lately.  Mostly due to a full life of kids.  lol  But in part too because I've been in one of my depressed/processing phases.  Today I feel awakened, and I'm hoping I can keep this attitude.</p>
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<p>Life with my parents SUCKS!!  They are both so terrible on my self esteem.  The latest is them yelling at me because I'm interested in dating.  I'm not looking to rush into anything.  But I have every other weekend open, and I'd love to just have some fun and get to be around other adults and sharing some intellectual conversation.  I feel confident that I'm not trying to run away from anything.  I don't want to fall for the same BS, and get into the same trap. </p>
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<p>But my parents are telling me how I can't be trusted to date because of my track record of picking losers and I can't go out.  And how dare I think of dating, because my daughter has had enough changes for one year.  I told her I'm not stupid, that I have no intention of introducing anyone to my DD anytime soon.</p>
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<p>It's just so infuriating how they treat me like I'm 12 or something.  Like this past Saturday the kids were with their Dad, so I hung out with some old friends until 1 am, just bs-ing about old times and having a great time laughing!  It feels like it's been forever since I have laughed and enjoyed myself.  My Mom called me freaking out on me because I didn't tell her I'd be out late.  Um, hello, I'm 29, I didn't realize I had to clear my every move with you.  :rolleyes</p>
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<p>But I'm going to try to make a consicious effort to ignore my parents and know in my heart that I'm doing the best I can, and I'm going to try to make the best and most appropriate choices for myself and my children.  I have a right to be happy.  I have a right to be autonomous and live my own life.  I may need their help now, but it won't be forever.  It's been a rough couple of years, but I feel it in my bones that I'm not that scared girl just looking for someone to "love" me anymore.  I'm independent, and I will get back on my feet and I will make a life for me and my children.  I won't need help forever. </p>
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<p>I feel energized and ready to take control back over my life.  Somehow, someway... we will get through this too. </p>
 

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<p>:hug  You can do it.  You can get the life you want.  Try not to let your parents into your head much.  Probably easier said than done giving your living arrangements.  I'm glad you are feeling better now.  I go through those times of withdrawal, depression and processing too. <img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Phoenix~Mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284138/update#post_16100115"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>But my parents are telling me how I can't be trusted to date because of my track record of picking losers and I can't go out.  And how dare I think of dating, because my daughter has had enough changes for one year.  I told her I'm not stupid, that I have no intention of introducing anyone to my DD anytime soon.</p>
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<p>Eeek.  I know you know this, but this is not correct, and not ok for them to say to you.</p>
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<p>Hugs.</p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"> i hope things turn around for you soon.  i guess "soon" is relative - but six months or a year from now, your life could be completely different (just as it is from six months or a year ago).  you've been through a lot, that's true - but you've also accomplished a lot.  you gained the confidence and self-respect to leave that . . . <em>guy</em>.  you've dealt with the challenges with pre-e and your babe coming early and the fmla bs, and you're learning to rise above your parents' craziness.  that's a lot of wisdom and strength you've been gathering and putting out for the past year+.  i think you are amazing and you're going to just keep on getting stronger, brighter, freer and more beautiful every day. </span> <span><img alt="blowkiss.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/blowkiss.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>What came to mind when I was reading your post is that your parents probably love you and are worried about you, but they don't know how to communicate that properly. Some people think they can protect their loved ones (especially children) by "controlling" them. If they could just learn to say, "We love you and it concerns us that you may get involved with another abuser," instead of berating you and treating you like a teenager.</p>
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<p>I don't really have any advice because I'm new around here and don't know much about you or your situation, but if you have a good enough relationship with them to have an open and honest conversation you can maybe suggest a good book about boundaries, or read one yourself and try to teach them how to treat you.</p>
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<p>Best wishes. I hope things get better for you at home.</p>
 

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<p>I wonder if you might try desensitizing them with a few "just kidding" jokes? Like, tell them you're inviting your new boyfriend over for dinner (whom you met online) and that you're thinking of moving in with him if he can ever get his pot-smoking roommate to move out. His parents have this great house where DD could have her own room. Next should be "I met someone!" and the story is you bumped into a guy at a tattoo parlor, and he has this great poetic tattoo across his buns. He wants to take you ice skating, so would your folks watch the kids tmw night? You'll also need a sitter for next Thursday when you go in for your new tattoo. Btw, he paid to get you a nipple piercing. Do they want to see? He is so great. After that, you admit you've been sleeping with your ex's best friend or something, and it's just casual, so you don't really want to get into anything serious right now. Then maybe you joke about starting your life over, trying new things, and experimenting with a woman. At least you couldn't get knocked up, right?</p>
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<p>After a few jokes like that, they should relax and leave the subject alone.</p>
 

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<p>While my parents are not as bad (and I'm not living that close to them) I'm getting a lot of meddling so I understand how frustrating that can feel. I'm just curious... have they been controlling all your life? I have recently been doing a lot of analysis between my parents' controlling ways and how I was picking a lot of controlling men in my life. While I hate it; I felt comfortable with it. That is one of the biggest patterns I can find with my long term relationships.</p>
 

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<p>I can so relate. There's a guy on the horizon and I feel like a 16 year old - should I tell my parents? Lie about it? I go to game night with some friends most weekends that x has them. It feels so great to be around adults who are nice people and sometimes we talk about children and sometimes we talk about adult topics. I like waht dd said that in six months or a year your situation could be very different, just as it was six months or a year ago. Hang on. You are doing great.</p>
<p>Bananabee - <span><img alt="lol.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="width:15px;height:31px;"></span></p>
 

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<p>Mom started out at "Guys target single mothers because they're vulnerable, all they have to do is take you all out and do something fun for the kids for a few hours and they get laid, guaranteed" (thanks mom) "And that's if you're lucky, and it's you the guy is interested in, otherwise he's after one of the kids. Haven't they gone through enough trauma already?" To being kind-of okay that I was dating, but warning me not to introduce anyone to the kids. When I introduced SO to the kids, she was highly opposed, but (mostly) held her tongue... a few months in, she kept the kids overnight because I had court in the morning. When we went to pick up the kids the next day mom said "Andrew, I know everything about you now!" Apparently DS wouldn't shut up about SO all night! She listed off about 5 vehicles he had owned when he was younger and paraphrased a few stories. Once it was clear that the kids were crazy about SO, and she saw that he treats us all very well, she warmed up to him. Now every time I see her, she tells me what a great guy he is. Anyway, my point is your parents may have to see for themselves.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ZoeyZoo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284138/update#post_16102467"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>While my parents are not as bad (and I'm not living that close to them) I'm getting a lot of meddling so I understand how frustrating that can feel. I'm just curious... have they been controlling all your life? I have recently been doing a lot of analysis between my parents' controlling ways and how I was picking a lot of controlling men in my life. While I hate it; I felt comfortable with it. That is one of the biggest patterns I can find with my long term relationships.</p>
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Yeah, I realized about a year ago or more?  Sometime during my realization that ex was abusive, and the more I read, the more I realized my parents have their times of being very emotionally and verbally abusive to me as well.  They love to keep me down, and to hold guilt over my head.  It was one reason why I stalled leaving ex for a time, because I knew my only option was to come here... and in some ways it was like jumping out of the fire into the cooking kettle.  kwim?</p>
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<p>But I've been talking about it with my counselor, and I'm doing better at just ignoring them and living my life the best I can given the circumstances.  And they can think I'm a "spoiled ungrateful brat" all they want because I'm not subcuming to their demands of how I should be living my life and what my values should be. </p>
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<p>It has actually been a really good week for me strength wise.  I feel like I have so many opportunities waiting for me in life.  I feel determined that I will create a better life for me and my children one day.  I may be stuck here now because of financial reasons, and quite honestly some physical because they have been helping some with the kids and some days I have no idea how I would look after a very needy toddler and needy baby alone.... But this won't be forever.  My children will grow, daycare costs will go down, loans will be paid off.  I'm older and wiser and learning and growing everyday.  There is no way in hell I'm going to make the same mistakes I once did.  Not only do I want a better life, I feel I have the confidence in myself to acheive it and I finally beleive I deserve it too.  :)</p>
 
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