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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This one being somewhat more urgent than my not sleeping question... Its sort of a long story but to make it as short as possible... My partner has left me (About an hour ago... Taken me this long to calm down and stop my nose from freak bleeding...) hes from a fairly rich family, rich family equals lots of highly paid lawyers etc.... Babys due 25th of Sept. Back when I first found out I was preg we hadn't been together very long, and so there was a slight confusion as to if baby was his, or my previous partners, after having a scan and getting due dates / conception dates babys definatly his, although he was still somewhat unbeleiving, demanding a DNA test which I agreed to get done when shes born just so he would know that she really was his. And anyway, back to tonight, as he was leaving and packing up all his stuff he was going on about how he hoped she wasn't his, and I had better pray she's not because if she is he was going fight me with all the lawyers that his family had (This is where the rich family with the highly paid lawyers comes up....) to take her away, about how I was nothing, and he was so much better than me etc... HE CAN'T TAKE MY BABY. It just can't happen. My
was taken away from me, and I swore that was the last time. I'm not sure how to approach this, as I can't see my one free government assigned lawyer quite measuring up to his however many highly paid lawyers.... Can he really take away my child...? I have a history of depression / self-mutilation which he might try and use against me, not to mention I have an abusive family member which he will try and use against me too.... I'm 21 so I don't know if I'm old enough for people in court to take me seriously.... I have NO idea what I'm ment to do.... PLEASE PLEASE HELP.
 

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I have no help to offer in the form of legal advice, but I can give you support and a


This is a lot of stress to have to deal with during pregnancy. :-(
 

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I am going to move this to single parenting, I think you might find better help there with mamas who may have been there.

Good luck with everything and I wish you the best.
 

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If you are breastfeeding, and that is baby's sole source of nutrition, then, I would use that as leverage that baby NEEDS to be with Momma. I had a friend who was in sort of a similar situation and she found a lawyer that was AP friendly and this is the route they took in keeping baby with her. Eventually, the dad gave up rights. The other thing I would do (that she did) is to document the conversation that you had with him. He doesn't sound to me like he is looking out for the best interest of the baby. You should write down everything he said to you. Is there a history of abuse (this can be physical or verbal/emotional)? I would document that, if there is any.

Miranda
 

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If you are not married to him, and there is nothing to claim you are an unfit mother (depression and self mutilation do NOT constitute unfit so far as I'm aware) then it is extremely unlikely they could take your child away. DO NOT let him sign the affidavit of parentage or the birth certificate. Without those he has no claim to the baby. Just say you don't know who the father is and you do not want a DNA test done to find out because you won't persue child support.
 

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I agree that if you are worried about him trying to take the baby then do not let him sign the birth certificate - just check with your lawyer to see what he/she says. The advice on breastfeeding is good too. Maybe you should just cut all contact with him for right now. If he calls, do not answer. Avoid him. As of right now he does not even know if the baby is his (even though you know it is his). It sounds like he's just trying to be a jerk and hurt and scare you. You don't need this kind of stress during your pregnancy.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and try not to think about him. You do not have to have him present at the birth either, especially if he's gonna treat you like that. And age has nothing to do with whether or not you can or will be a fit mother. Stay strong mama!
 

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Hi Mama!

I know so much how scared you are. I don't know what the laws are like in New Zealand, but I believe it is a very family-focused country determined to keep families together. In the US, family judges prioritize the child's need and right to know and spend time with BOTH parents, and feel that it is not in the best interest of the child to be taken from one parent. Unless a parent is putting a child in danger, for example through drug abuse, abuse or neglect, or simply not caring for the child, there is no reason why the parent shouldn't be parenting! So I think your ex-BF is just posturing and will not follow through successfully on taking your baby from you. YOU are carrying your daughter and taking care of her RIGHT NOW, and he isn't. YOU will breastfeed her and give her her primary care. Those are things that no one should be able to take away from you. Of course his words have scared you, but you and your daughter will be able to stay together. Does he REALLY want full custody of a newborn baby? I don't think so!

It's so hard to be going through the stress of a breakup during pregnancy. Do you have good friends or family to support you? I suggest talking to a lawyer now before your baby comes, just to set your mind at ease. Good luck. Your baby is LUCKY to have you as a mom.

Laurie
 

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Remember his well off family has to want to help him win this fight. In my experience, families of this sort usually want to put as much distance as possible between themselves and the child. Has he thought about what it takes to actually raise a baby? I suspect he may have said these things out of spite to torment you without actually intending to take the baby. In the meantime, seek out a legal aid type group or domestic violence shelter to help look at your options.

Take care of yourself. It will be okay.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Neoma
If you are not married to him, and there is nothing to claim you are an unfit mother (depression and self mutilation do NOT constitute unfit so far as I'm aware) then it is extremely unlikely they could take your child away. DO NOT let him sign the affidavit of parentage or the birth certificate. Without those he has no claim to the baby. Just say you don't know who the father is and you do not want a DNA test done to find out because you won't persue child support.
Actually, not to scare you but just to make you aware, he can use the self mutilation and depression against you because they speak volumes about your stability. If it's something you battled long ago and you now have under control, then it won't be such a hurdle.

#2) Whether he signs the birth certificate or not means nothing... if he thinks the child is his he can order a paternity test done and you would have to adhere.

#3) Saying you don't know who the father is and proclaiming you don't want DNA done because you won't be asking for child support could also backfire. If you get any type of public assistance, i.e. foodstamps, HUD, Medicaid, the government will automatically pull the "possible" fathers and run paternity tests on them to recoup some of the costs they incurred assisting you.

I will be praying for you momma, I know this has to be a scary time. I hope the things I told you don't upset you but I'm not in the business of just telling people what they want to hear. I have a few family members who have been through this exact thing and things can get ugly. Try not to let all of this adversely affect your pregnancy. You may want to contact your local legal aid office just to find out about your rights.

One other thing momma.... it's better to be proactive than reactive. Don't allow him to make the first "legal" move. Then you're left reacting to his actions. If you think he may be serious about this, throw the first punch.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
There is no way he's going to be at the birth, and I highly doubt I'm going to be putting him on the birth cert. With my depression / self mutilation issue, I sought help for it last year when things got really bad and haven't cut or anything like that since then, I see a psyciatrist once a month, and I have a lady who comes to see me every week to make sure I'm ok and all, she came round today and as luck would have it she knows all the right legal people for that and sits on a panel for 'child, youth and family' and as she can proove I'm seeking help for my depression, and that I haven't self mutilated in a long long time, along with many other things that should thankfully not be an issue.

He has quite a history of saying incredibly nasty things, and I have a whole cell phone full of nasty text messages from him dating back to the start of the year - I always knew there was a reason for keeping them, and I have already documented everything he said along with the past things he has said. Also on the subject of his family, I doubt his Dad will want to help as he dissowned him when he was told about me being pregnant. And his Mother lives overseas although he was going on about how she would be helping him blah blah blah.

I am planning to breastfeed baby when she is born for quite a while (My Mother educated me on the importance, and the benefits a baby gets through breast milk a long long time ago) I only want whats best for her, I don't think hes a bad person as such, I just dissagree with how negative (If thats the right thing to say) and nasty he can be, no child should be around someone like that, especially by themselves and especially when they're so little. Fortunatly hes coming round today to get the rest of his things and then thats it, I will no longer see him.

Thankyou all so much for your advice and
 

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and wishing you the best. Take it one day and one step at a time.
 

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I'm really happy to hear that your therapist knows how to put you in touch with the right people to help you out with this situation. My neice that I spoke of in my PP has been plagued with depression and she's also bi-polar. She's a wonderful mother and never lets her personal feelings get in the way of how she treats her daughter. Unfortunately for her, every time she and her BF have a fight, he throws it in her face and tries to use it as leverage against her.

Everything will turn out fine, you'll see. It sounds like he's blowing a lot of smoke right now. Kudos to you for saving those text messages!!!! Get any and all ammo you can against him just in case.

Good Luck Momma and keep us posted....
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
When he came over last night to get his things he seemed to have calmed down quite a bit, and asked if I wanted to talk things over with what would happen with baby, it was all civilised and fine until he started going on about how if she was his (Which as I think I mentioned further up she is, he just doesn't beleive me....) he wants to get restraining orders for baby out on my ex (The other guy who he thinks is the father.... Who I don't have contact with and haven't for months) and an abusive family member who I never see anyway and certainly would never leave my child alone with, all which I found a little over the top but THEN he started going on about how he was going to get them against 2 of my good friends (Females who I met when I was working....) who aren't dangerous or even nasty or anything.... His reasoning (I had to say I burst out laughing - I couldn't help it) was because "they're fat" (Hes incredibly shallow... To him looks are 99% of who someone is) and he thinks just because they're not size 8 and model material that warrants him to do that....


Then I pointed out restraining orders weren't cheap, he seems to think they're about NZ$30 each...
Like you would go to a music store and buy a couple of CDs, you can go and buy a couple of restraining orders, they're actually about NZ$1000 - having looked into them before.
: I laughed again even harder to the point where tears were running down my face, maybe not the best thing to do, but I honestly couldn't help it. And I told him he was crazy cos the fact that he considered them overweight wasn't a good enough reason to stop them from seeing her, its not like they were a danger at all, and he started going on about how its amazing what lawyers can find out
and so on.... I asked him where he was planning to find his army of superhuman lawyers and he said from overseas...
He also said he'd only agreed to the whole not getting baby vaccinated thing cos we were together and now that we weren't he wanted her to be
I think thats where I started really swearing and said something about over my
dead body
And then he started going on about how cos he had money and I didn't
I tuned out for a bit.... It all starts sounding the same after a while


After a while he calmed down again and started talking more reasonably, and said the other reason he didn't want those two friends of mine near baby was cos he didn't want them to say nasty things about him to her, I pointed out that even though they weren't like that, they had better things to talk to a cute baby about that what a
they thought her father was. So I told him to go and write up everything he wanted for a custody agreement and send it to me and we could go from there. Haven't heard back from him yet since he left but will keep you posted


Thanks so much for the support too
 

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I remember being really scared when my ex who also comes from wealthy parents in denial about who he is threatened lawyers. He never did it, although he still could, but now both his parents have died (in their 70's) and since he doesn't work all he has is what they left him which is sizable but not endless and he has to think twice about spending it. Its a lot more likely when its their own earned money that they will use it to harm you but if he is still depending on his parent's money he might not have the determination to fight and sounds like you do. One warning though, his family including his brothers and sisters have never yet come around to seeing things the way I do and in their view I just used him to get his sperm. (by the way my daughter hasn't benefitted from his supposed riches, in my state only INCOME, not inheritance, is usable for child support...)

I am a medical renegade for saying this but parenting my own daughter the best I could has helped me clean up a lot of my own mental health issues. I'm not any more incompetent or unbalanced than anyone else, it turns out. Just dealing with an unreasonable amount of stress, some of it (the internally generated stress) I can do something about and some of which I can't and therefore its actually reasonable to fall apart once in a while. Also, its no one else's job to seek assistance for me when I need it. Wish I would have known that 20 years ago.
 

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i dont know anything about new zealand's laws, but my guess is that if he stays away while you are pregnant (doesnt visit, doenst call, doesnt go to any prenatal visits, etc) nor does he go to the birth or come to see the baby soon after birth, then a family court judge would have to be pretty nuts to award him custody.
its good that you have your therapist who can document that you are in good mental health. you may also want your midwife/ob to document that it has been just you coming to the prenatal visits. (as opposed to him and you.)
do your text messages get deleted automatically by your cell phone company after so much time? i would call them and find out. if they do, then see if the cell company can extend the amt of time before deletion or download, save, and print the text messages.
i think he's being a jerk and just trying to push your buttons. to be honest, once he thinks about it, he will realize that he doesnt want the baby. he's probably around your age, and he will realize that he would need a babysitter not only when he works but when he wants to go out with the guys and do stuff like that. you can point out to him that its not like having a cat who you leave a bowl of food and water out for every day and change the litter box a couple times a week. he could also be reminded that this baby is a girl and what happens to girls when they become teenagers... he may not want to deal with the puberty issues.
oh, and do you have any witnesses who could verify that he did say "i wish she isnt mine."? that basically tells me he doesnt really want the baby.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Unfortunatly only I was around when he said he wished she wasn't his (He's actually said it twice, both times no-one else was round). Thankfully the cellph company doesn't delete texts so I can keep them for as long as possible. He's never been with me once when I've seen my midwife, and obviously he's not going to be there when I give birth, so both those things will definatly work in my favour. Hes only 6 months older than me so he would find it incredibly hard having a baby to look after, especially as she's due right around exam time (He's in his final year at uni and is constantly reminding me how its the most important thing for him to pass etc...) I don't think he understands that babies aren't like kittens, I remember once he asked me something like, "Oh do they wake up at night time?" I was like ".. Haha are you kidding?!" so I highly doubt he gets the concept of whats actually involved in caring for a child, letalone a newborn / tiny baby.
 
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