[Amila]

Now let me just say that after some careful discussion, my DH and I have come to the conclusion that it will be a JOINT choice- whether or not he gets a V. But he did try this one on me, in the heat of the discussion.

What do you all think? He compared it to other medical procedures in which a woman can claim, well it is my body, so it is my choice, and the partner has no say. Should this be the same thing?

DH personally wants to get snipped after child #2. I feel differently. What if we decide down the line to have more? Our financial situation could change. Or what if somehting happened to one of us and we remarried? I don't like the finality of it. Then again, I don't like my BC options either.

Sigh.

 

[attachedmamaof3]

He has a point. IMO, you have to be able to let him call what happens to his body and deal with the options from there. Think if the situation were reversed.

 

[GuildJenn]

I agree with him. You could, however, discuss a sperm bank before he does.

 

[rebelbets]

I vehemently disagree. The choice to have children - or not - is one a couple should make together. By having a vasectomy against his partner's wishes, a man is robbing her of her choice. Not fair.

If he were a single man, it would be different. But he's not.

 

[eviesingleton]

I agree in principal. However, in the real world I believe such decisions should be made together with respect to each other's desires.

 

[accountclosed3]

i actually do feel that this is a 'his body, his choice' situation.

also, vasectomies are reversable.

 

[alegna]

I would say it's his body his choice if he DOESN'T want it done. I would say he has an absolute right to veto doing anything to his body.

BUT if he wants to continue to have a healthy relationship with his wife, she needs to be on board before he nixes any future children for good.

-Angela

 

[No2Circ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna I would say it's his body his choice if he DOESN'T want it done. I would say he has an absolute right to veto doing anything to his body. BUT if he wants to continue to have a healthy relationship with his wife, she needs to be on board before he nixes any future children for good.

:

 

[sunnysideup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebelbets I vehemently disagree. The choice to have children - or not - is one a couple should make together. By having a vasectomy against his partner's wishes, a man is robbing her of her choice. Not fair.

What if the situation were reversed? What if it were the woman who didn't want to have more children, and the husband wanted to stop her from having her tubes tied?

Ideally, decisions like this would be made together. The couple should be able to come to an agreement. But, I don't think anyone should have children if they don't want to. It's ultimately each individual's decision to make.

 

[mavery]

ITA with alegna. I also think the "my body, my choice" argument is a little different wrt childbearing, since only women can get pregnant. A man who wants to get snipped is making a decision about how many children the couple has. A woman who wants to get her tubes tied is making a decision about having no more children AND ALSO about something huge that would happen to her body if she got pregnant (and the consequences if the couple did not want another child).

 

[whateverdidiwants]

I'm with your dh. If he's absolutely sure done having kids, he should be able to do whatever he feels is necessary to prevent that.

 

[wifeandmom]

In a healthy marriage, these decisions would be made together.

However, there are times, even in a healthy marriage, where one partner wants more children and the other does not. In those cases, I always side with the one who does NOT want another child.

I would make it clear that if my DH chose to have a vasectomy against my wishes, I would have a very hard time forgiving him. But ultimately, it would be his choice.

I just can't imagine being married to someone who would do that knowing I was against it, unless there were some very extreme extenuating circumstances that aren't being released here.

Of course, I am also of the thought that whomever does NOT want a child is the one in charge of birth control, though this could backfire if it's the man who doesn't want any more children, doesn't want to use condoms, and his wife won't/can't/doesn't use something herself.

That was the situation DH and I were in on having a fourth. I wanted another, he did not. I was fine with him having a vasectomy if that's what he was ready to do. He wasn't ready, so he was in charge of using condoms. They do not work, however, from the drug store shelf.

So we have four. He was much more diligent about condom use after number four was born before he deployed. We shall see what happens when he gets home, as now *I* am the one that does not want to be pg again.

 

[2mama]

I think that it should be a mutal decision.

 

[bec]

I think, ultimately, it is his body and his choice. If he is really finished having kids, and really doesn't want anymore, that needs to be respected.

He is not robbing the woman of having more kids. But, he is making the permanent statement that she is done having biological children with him. There are many ways for her to have more children, if she is determined.

It may also be that his choice damages the relationship.

But, the bottom line is, it's his decision to make.

 

[Clarinet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna I would say it's his body his choice if he DOESN'T want it done. I would say he has an absolute right to veto doing anything to his body. BUT if he wants to continue to have a healthy relationship with his wife, she needs to be on board before he nixes any future children for good. -Angela

:

I think it is up to him whether or not he wants to get it done but the decision to have children is a couple's decision. There are other ways of preventing fertilization without a vasectomy.

ETA: I should also say that I don't think it's fair for a woman to decide to get her tubes tied, either. I know it's her body and she bears the burden of carrying a child but again, it's a couple's decision. I don't feel right saying a man can't make the choice to prevent more children on his own but a woman can.

 

[Yoshua]

Even though I think the choice TO have children is something a couple should make I agree with your husband.

If even one person in a relationship does not want another child then it is NOT fair to that child to have a parent that sees regret when they see them.

And there is always a chance of that with an unwanted child.

In my opinion if even one person in a relationship does not want a child then there should be no child and if the other person feels strongly about it then that should be discussed but to me it isn't fair to the children.

As for being snipped. I think it should be a persons choice to have a life altering procedure done not a couples. For instance if I do not want children I do not have the right to ask my partner to get a hysterectomy or get her tubes tied, just as she doesn't have the right to ask me to get a vasectomy if she does not want children.

Personal body, personal choice.

In a perfect world it would be done with the consent of both partners and the understanding that the choice is permanant and both people feeling good about it. But I do not think that having children should be one persons decision in a relationship. There are many underhanded things people do today to have children without the knowledge of their spouse, such as not taking BC or sabotaging condoms (which can be done by either partner) and I feel for the children in those situations. Yes sometimes both partners can come together and make it work with love. But often times you find families torn apart over decisions like this.

My advice/words to the OP.

Talk to him and try to get him to understand your point of view. But if he is adamant about only wanting 2 children think of what that would mean for child #3 if daddy was resentful. I don't know your personal situation but I have witnessed first hand what happens when a child isn't wanted and I feel sorry for children that have to endure it. They didn't get a choice.

 

[papayapetunia]

I'm with your dh. And I commend him for making a responsible decision. He doesn't want any more children. Would you want more children with someone who doesn't want any more?

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoebird i actually do feel that this is a 'his body, his choice' situation. also, vasectomies are reversable.

Yes but extremely expensive, not covered by insurance and a lot more painful than the original procedure. We know, we did it. I think a couple has to decide these things together. Creating a family is a joint decision in a marriage. At least in a good one.

 

[Mama Poot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bec I think, ultimately, it is his body and his choice. If he is really finished having kids, and really doesn't want anymore, that needs to be respected. He is not robbing the woman of having more kids. But, he is making the permanent statement that she is done having biological children with him. There are many ways for her to have more children, if she is determined. It may also be that his choice damages the relationship. But, the bottom line is, it's his decision to make.

: I totally agree with this. You can't stop him if that's what he wants. I could only imagine the uproar there would be if the situation was reversed and say the woman wanted an abortion. Why must there be a double standard? Men have just as much control over their bodies as women do.

 

[ktbug]

No, no way ... his body, his choice, absolutely. Yoshua makes a great point about potential resentment of child #3. Not fair to the child, not fair to the parents. Things like sperm banking and reversal are expensive, but they are options. It is an intimately personal decision, and ideally, yes, the husband should take his wife's feelings into consideration, but it absolutely is his body and therefore his choice.