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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is still on a hot burner for me, so I may come back and delete it, but I am feeling SO frustrated!!!<br><br>
Dh and our kids are omnivorous. I don't love that, but it is what it is. I try to offer only vegetarian meals and snacks, but I do give dd some sliced meat in her lunch once or twice a week, and both of them get fish at least once a week. Dh gets special stuff like steaks and pork chops when he asks, or when I remember that he hasn't had any in a while, or if something looks good in that dept. at the HFS. I cook vegetarian, and the meat is available to dh to cook for himself. I am so new to all this, I don't feel super great about putting out big boundaries like using separate frying pans or anything, just doesn't feel right. So as I see it, I'm totally not extreme in this, but HE, well... he sees and feels very different about all this.<br><br>
Tonight, like most nights (unfortunately), there was a lot of hubbub at dinner time. Dd (10) had aikido at 6-7pm. I dropped her off early, after picking up meds for the dog at the vet and dropping off invites to our halloween party, came home, plugged ds (3) into little bear, and started dinner. I got it 80% done, but the potatoes needed to cook more. It was covered, in a pan, on low. I took tofu out of the oven, where it was broiled nicely, and added that, then asked dh if he would stir it every few minutes, and left to pick up dd from aikido. ARG. I came home, and the potatoes on top were totally not cooked. I asked if he'd stirred it, and he said once. Once in 45 minutes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Dinner was totally not ready, the kids didn't want to eat it w/almost raw potatoes, etc. <b>I feel like he did this in some way to make my veggie meals unpalatable.</b> Mostly, I cook everything, either in the crock pot early in the day, or around the drop off schedule from hell that we are living with (4 days a week dd has activities that we all think are great, but they ALL occur at 5:30 or 6pm Mon - Thurs. TOTALLY sucky. One of them, aikido, is 2x/wk, guitar is 1x/wk and Scouts are 1x/wk). ANYWAY, I'm just feeling po'd and totally unsupported. It'd be 'nice' if he'd either volunteered to go get the kid, and let me stay and cook, or help out! I didn't ask him to actually do anything other than stir, but I guess he thought that meant just not letting it burn? Maybe he didn't hear me? But there is a bigger issue here, and I feel like he's totally not willing to talk about it, or support me.<br><br>
Since going veggie (about 4 mos), I've dropped 10 lbs effortlessly. I even still eat the same am't of junk food, not one iota more exercise, it's just not eating the fatty meat! I feel better, overall, and feel better about me in a HUGE way.<br><br>
So...<br><br>
is he responsible for helping me to eat better? Am I responsible for modeling behavior that shows children that ethics and health are part of our every day decision making? Is he? If I am, isn't he? And why the hell can't he see that potatoes need to be turned? Grrrrrrr...
 

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So...<br><br>
is he responsible for helping me to eat better? Am I responsible for modeling behavior that shows children that ethics and health are part of our every day decision making? Is he? If I am, isn't he? And why the hell can't he see that potatoes need to be turned? Grrrrrrr...</div>
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Yes, yes, yes, yes and I have no idea why he can't see that he should turn the potatoes.<br><br>
Modeling is EVERYTHING for your children. Their food programming comes from what you offer them AND what you eat with them.<br><br>
Strength and blessings to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thank you, greensmoothie!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> naking but I will respond later...
 

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I eat entirely vegetarian, dh has meat when he feels like it when he's out, or in like a prepared soup. Anyway, it's all vegetarian cooking around here, at least half of it done by dh.<br><br>
And he still might have managed to only stir it once it 45 minutes--even if he were cooking it! If it really matters to have it stirred, I have to be the one to remember it needs to happen. As I'm doing whatever else needed to get done "Dh, go stir the thing again, please."
 

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if my DH did this, he would simply have forgotten to stir more often. which would be annoying but, well, not an attempt to sabotage me. you say there are bigger issues here, though, so I can't speak for your situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well, I'm a lot cooler now, but it does feel like he's unwilling to support my decision to eat veggie. I think the word sabotage is too strong, but it does feel like he didn't 'bother' because he thought he wouldn't like it no matter what (which I think was untrue, he would have liked it a lot!). That's the part that gets my goat, I think. Forgetting is only human, and I'm totally ok w/mistakes. It's intentionally not helping to make the food as good as it can be (and I would have reminded him to stir more often, but I'd have had to have called him, because I was out getting the kid and doing a couple of quick errands that needed doing).<br><br>
Yeah - the bigger issue is does your non-veggie/vegan partner support your non-meat eating habbits? Cause I don't feel like mine does, and in fact really challenges the issue with opinion type info that has no basis in fact (things like oh, in 10 years all the evidence they have now will change and they'll be telling us that meat is the #1 healthiest thing you can do to live longer!). It's infuriating, because o fthe issue of modeling behavior for the little ones.
 

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Well, this is all in my very compassionate opinion because I really feel for you. I personally eat mostly vegan, sometimes it's not possible (for me personalaly) like when at my mom's or out....I"m sure there's dairy or something I don't worry about.<br><br>
But as far as DH. My DH is supportive of just about anything I do. I feel I DO eat a somewhat extreme diet and I don't expect DH or my kids to follow. I DO make really great veggie meals, but I do adapt them with meat for DH sometimes, and cheese or soemthing like that for the kids. I have most always (except for a short time I bought a half cow and tried to dulge too far in to a TF way of eating) been more veg, though only the last year or so really vegan. I will NEVER buy animal product from somewhere I didn't know. I don't give the kids tofu, though I eat a little.<br><br>
DH and I have had conversation about it. I believe in my vegan diet because I feel though my family doesn't always follow exactly, as a household we have FAR less strain agriculturally speaking, and that makes me feel good. I am able to sustain myself healthfully and happily eating vegan, but I don't think everyone can. But yes yes, you're family should work together to make sure food is positive.<br><br>
So is your DH against vegetables or just veg meals? It's really easy to make things for omnis just by giving them something along side regular dinner. We do not do beef in the house at all anymore, and I"m VERY glad that DH doesn't like it anymore either.<br><br>
I would say you should have a talk with him about supporting your decision. And maybe try to adapt meals to everyone? I know it's a lot of work but it's what I have always done, and it's worked for us because I use drastically less animal product now. It's just a slow process, and I've kind of probably manipulated our meals in to them craving less meat product.<br><br>
As far as EVER giving my DH a cooking job. It's just setting me up for dissapointment <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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At our house DH not only would not stir the food, (He would forget.) But he wouldn't eat it no matter how much he liked it. He would stir the food around on his plate and then throw it in the garbage. The he would eat a bag of chips to fill his empty tummy. He also just plain will not eat healthy food. I plan the menu for two weeks. Then he will set out to do everything he can to see to it that we don't have what I plan. I can't tell you how many times we have tv dinners or I will make a rice dish for myself while he brings home fast food or frozen fish for himself and our son. I feel like I get very very little support in this whole thing. But in the example you gave, he would be the one to go get the kid, because I don't go out in the evening. If I move my car after 6:00, there won't be a parking place on our block at all when I come home.<br><br>
Kathi
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>srs</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12390952"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> naking but I will respond later...</div>
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okay, I finally have two hand to type. As far as the forgetting to stir thing, that is totally my DH, just because he would forget. It irritates me, but I don't even think he would think hard enough about it to try to sabotage. He would just forget.<br><br>
As far as the larger underlying issues... you two should probably have a talk (not during dinnertime), but I can at least tell you what I think the issues are in my house and see if they sound familiar. First, I am recently vegetarian (and I almost always cook vegan), within the past year, so this is a big change for my DH. Thankfully DD is too young to be affected. Also, my DH and I were both raised with the Standard American diet, where if the center of a meal isn't meat than he feels like something is missing. Thirdly, I think my DH honestly believes, or used to believe, that people need meat to be healthy. He kept telling me that the human brain only evolved and got bigger after we started eating meat. I finally asked him to cite a source for that and he stopped mentioning it, because he didn't have one.<br><br>
Also, are there any weird experiences with veg*nism in his past? I knew that my DH had had a veg*n girlfriend in high school, but it was only recently that he told me that she was really snotty to him about what he was eating (while she survived on cheese pizza, lol). So he equated veg*nism with being attacked for his choices. Once he realized that I really truly was not going to say anything to him about his eating habits (not even when he picked out veg frozen pizza for himself at the store, yay!), I think he got over that.<br><br>
Another thing that might be worth considering are the different nutritional needs/cravings for men and women. I am not a nutritionist, so please no one flame me, but I think it is pretty typical for men to crave meat more than women. It doesn't mean they can't eat a vegan diet, of course, but your DH may need more protein or B vitamins or something than you do.<br><br>
So yeah, lots of issues, all of which come to a head during dinnertime when everyone is stressed and hungry. I think , though, for your sanity you and your DH need to come to an agreement about modeling for/feeding your children. I know it's hard.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>srs</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12402319"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">lots of issues, all of which come to a head during dinnertime when everyone is stressed and hungry.</div>
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Holy cow - more than anything this resonates... I think it does come to a head when we're both tired and hungry, and needing a bit of help to get the family though the last throws of the day.<br><br>
I totally empathize with ya'll, it's been a hard haul for myself, personally, and to try to drag someone else along with is all but impossible. I think I will have that talk with him, at some point, but he's not going to budge from his meat eating place, it's just where he's at. Where his birth family is at. Where he's always been at. Although he's really willing to address change on lots of levels (changing jobs, moving, marrying (four times!)) there are limits, and eating food that to him tastes good is one of them. That doesn't mean he can't be supportive toward me, and let the kids know he's proud of me giving up meat, or that he can't just support me in small ways. But we'll take that one day at a time.<br><br>
He's a wonderful guy, btw - I may forget to mention this when I'm venting. This is a sticky issue, especially because I'm new at being veg., but I think it can be an issue (moral? valuational? financial?) for families where one partner is veg and the other isn't even if they've been veg for a long time. I gotta just get better at letting off the steam w/out directing it at him. That doesn't seem to be helping lol.<br><br>
Thanks for your ideas, ladies! I've been processing it for a while, and will continue to work on it, till it rests easier. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 
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