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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, here's the story. My DH and I met when I was 17 and he was 18. Everything was you know, sunshine and butterflies. When I was 19 (way too young looking back on it!) and he was 20 we got married. We're now approaching out 3rd wedding anniversary (next month) and have a 22 month old son.

Here is the problem...we can't STAND eachother. All we do is fight. He's lazy and doesn't support the family. He's a "real estate agent" but basically does nothing. Sleeps all day, doesn't help out with our son, the house, anything. This is why I finally had to quit my job. I got a job for extra money so he could "get the real estate going" only to come home everyday to a house that was trashed and a husband who slept all day and pretty much ignored our son. He has no motivation at ALL and all we do is bicker all the time. He IS a good guy and he has never abused me or anything like that but we are both obviously unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if we'd still be together if we didn't have a child.

I just need advice....badly.

TIA
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
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Originally Posted by KentuckyDoulaMama
Is he depressed? Sounds just like me a few years ago when I was badly depressed & overwhelmed....
he very well could be. he has a history of depression. he is on medication for it so i don't know what else would help him change...
 

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You can't change him, he can only change himself if he wants to.

I'd do some serious soul searching about what would make YOU happy, maybe get an unbiased person to help, friend family, counselor whatever, to help?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by maylea_moon
he very well could be. he has a history of depression. he is on medication for it so i don't know what else would help him change...
Its entirely possible the meds he is currently on are not effective for him. Lots of people find meds that previously worked, don't anymore and need to change. Lots of people take a long time having to try out several different ones to find one that really works. I would really investigate this possibility.
People who are feeling good about themselves and their lives dont sleep all day, and all the rest....
 

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You've both still very young. I think some marriage counselling would be a good start. A plan to get him to have a more productive job, something with a set paycheck. Perhaps in Property Management, or as a Real Estate Agent for a planned community or even something completely different.

I suspect the love will come back with time. I second the idea that your DH could be on the wrong medication at the moment.
 

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Yeh we did that too. He can only change himself. No one can tell you how to "fix" him or what you should do.

I will tell you the mistakes I made along the way, as well as what was eventually worthwhile.

1) I thought loving someone and thinking they were worthwhile meant I should accept them where they were

2) I thought just because we had a few children it was better for them that I "make nice"

3) I thought his behavor had something to do with me

4) I thought if things got bad enough he'd change

5) I didn't take his mental disorders seriously, I thought it was all about the right medication

truths:

it's all about him, his view of himself and his upbringing

the worst thing you can do is ENABLE him to behave like a sloth (or allow family to support his habits)

there is a difference between a mental disorder and a PERSONALITY disorder

it can get better, with time faith and willingness of both of you

people that behave this way are often liers (to themselves, to you)

If I had to do it over again I would have:

Prayed together

excused less

made it serious: ie. left for a period or insisted on counseling.

I have so DONE the working day and night while he pretended that he meant well but just couldn't a).find a job b).handle kids and home as well as me while I worked c). was a REALLY "good guy" and none of it was his fault, just a string of bad luck

we create our own experiences. If he is making yours suck...you need to think deeply about getting help or getting out. If I had it to do over again I honeslty would NOT have given up my power for as long as I did.

A tree is known by it's fruit.

10 years later things are good. He was about 30 before he started to grow a pair.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by maylea_moon
Ok, here's the story. My DH and I met when I was 17 and he was 18. Everything was you know, sunshine and butterflies. When I was 19 (way too young looking back on it!) and he was 20 we got married. We're now approaching out 3rd wedding anniversary (next month) and have a 22 month old son.

Here is the problem...we can't STAND eachother. All we do is fight. He's lazy and doesn't support the family. He's a "real estate agent" but basically does nothing. Sleeps all day, doesn't help out with our son, the house, anything. This is why I finally had to quit my job. I got a job for extra money so he could "get the real estate going" only to come home everyday to a house that was trashed and a husband who slept all day and pretty much ignored our son. He has no motivation at ALL and all we do is bicker all the time. He IS a good guy and he has never abused me or anything like that but we are both obviously unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if we'd still be together if we didn't have a child.

I just need advice....badly.

TIA
HA! sounds a LOT like my DH! ha ha ha...our DH is really sad that I just have to laugh for a second.

I always just tell myself that boys will grow up SOME DAY... and I'll be waiting. Because in the end of arguing and getting upset with him, I really don't know what I would do without him.


Good luck to you.
 

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This sounds so much like my DP. When he was in between jobs, I went back to work PT and he sat around and did NOTHING.
....NOTHING!
This is a guy that will sit at his computer for hourrrrrrrrrrs upon hours playing games.
I'd still have to come home, exhausted from running around a store all day, and clean everything up and do all the housework. He did the bare minimum with dd, if that. There was nothing I could do to change him. Thank goodness he got a job again when he did.

We have many other issues too so I'm not any good for advice. Just chiming in with yet another "BTDT!" Hugs, mama.
 

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I married my first husband young as well-and we didn't really know each other. We ended up not staying together, but it was more simple because there weren't children involved. The good thing is you have choices. I would probably first try the counseling route, for the sake of your dc. If he wasn't open to making things better, then I would probably consider a separation. Above all, I would ask for guidance to do what's best for myself and dc. I wish you all the best!
 
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