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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
my dp is selling his house. he has just recently made this descion and just met with a realtor tonight. his ex wife is currently living in the house. they have a legal agreement that he's supposed to continue to pay the mortgage on it until 2009 and at that time she has to move out and he can sell it and has to give her 35k from the sale. well we are in debt so bad that we can't afford to continue going on like this so his ex has proposed that she will let him sell now if he gives her 60k instead of 35k. he has agreed to this. fine. whatever. the thing is, he owes alot on it and also has to pay the realtor fees and whatnot. fine. whatever. well he was telling me about this and that, and i was just questioning things and he blew up on me telling me to shut the f up that i don't know what im talking about. i admitted i don't know anything about selling homes, but i just want him to be careful and not get screwed or make any bad or hasty choices. like i was questioning if what if the house didn't sell for what the realtor wanted to price it for, and if he took it off the market would he have to pay something anyways, and stuff like that. it just pisses me off that he got all nasty with me and accuses me of being a know it all when i readily admitted i don't know much, im just concerned. what if the house doesn't sell and they keep lowering the price until we get nothing? im just so pissed right now. he has made many bad financial choices in the past, obviously. please, if you are tempted to attack me just don't post. thanks for listening.
 

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I'm sorry you're DP shouted at you. Just for your peace of mind, when you have your house on the market, your real estate agent does not get paid until the house sells (they get a commission from the sales price). If you decide to take the house off the market, the agent does not get paid. The real estate agent does not lower the price without the seller's consent. If the agent thinks the price needs to be lowered, he/she consults with the seller and the decision is made by the seller. The seller can a) not lower the price, b0 lower the price, or c) take the house off the market.<br>
I hope that makes you a little more comfortable with his decisions. He shouldn't have spoken to you like that.
 

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First I want to say that I totally understand where you're coming from. Sounds like you are concerned about him and you tried to have a conversation about it... not really a reason for him to get ticked off.... Based on the details you shared, it does sound like he is under a lot of stress... not an excuse for his behavior, but just offering a different perspective.<br><br>
Anyways, sounds like you guys must be in a difficult position to have to make this arrangement. Best of luck to you.
 

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My husband would NOT tell me to "shut the F up", or he would be missing teeth, possibly. Or he would be asked to leave until he decided to grow up.<br><br>
I am not naturally a violent person, but that would drive me over the edge.<br><br>
You have the right to know what is going on with what will eventually affect you and your life. It sounds like he is just going blindly into this and just wants it over, no matter if he gets screwed or not. That is not good.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: He needs to apologize for being verbally abusive to you. You should never tolerate that kind of behavior. I don't care what your DH is dealing with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mama Poot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7326118"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: He needs to apologize for being verbally abusive to you. You should never tolerate that kind of behavior. I don't care what your DH is dealing with.</div>
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i agree.
 

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Never would I let someone speak to me this way and stay in the house with me. He would be put out until he learned some respect. And if he couldn't, then I wouldn't want to be with him. Love isn't a word, its written in a person's every action--especially when life is not all peachy! I grew up watching abusive F and SF. And I told dh when we were engaged that he better understand that I was a product of that upbringing and that would never be okay, not even once. And, good man that he is, he never has treated me with such disrespect.<br><br>
Lorrie
 

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It sounds like he's horribly stressed right now, understandably, and maybe saw your questions as non-support of him. He might have even been wondering the same things himself, and is scared, and hates how this situation is and wishes it would all just be over.<br><br>
Yeah, he was wrong to yell at you, but I yelled at my boyfriend today and made my "mean face" as he calls it because I was stressed and mad and it wasn't even his fault. But he was the one who was there. (just as I'm sure your DH would love to scream at his ex, but he can't.)<br><br>
It sounds like you guys both want the same thing - to make money off the house, not get screwed and move on with your lives. Can you put it to him this way? That you are on his side?<br><br>
He probably knows its not right to scream at you like that, but rather than lecture him on respecting you or knocking his teeth out, can you let him know that it hurt you to me yelled at, but that you are really trying to be supportive of this and ask how best to do that?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>fek&fuzz</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7329633"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It sounds like he's horribly stressed right now, understandably, and maybe saw your questions as non-support of him. He might have even been wondering the same things himself, and is scared, and hates how this situation is and wishes it would all just be over.<br><br>
Yeah, he was wrong to yell at you, but I yelled at my boyfriend today and made my "mean face" as he calls it because I was stressed and mad and it wasn't even his fault. But he was the one who was there. (just as I'm sure your DH would love to scream at his ex, but he can't.)<br><br>
It sounds like you guys both want the same thing - to make money off the house, not get screwed and move on with your lives. Can you put it to him this way? That you are on his side?<br><br>
He probably knows its not right to scream at you like that, but rather than lecture him on respecting you or knocking his teeth out, can you let him know that it hurt you to me yelled at, but that you are really trying to be supportive of this and ask how best to do that?</div>
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This was an incredibly well-written response. I agree with all of it.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>fek&fuzz</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7329633"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It sounds like he's horribly stressed right now, understandably, and maybe saw your questions as non-support of him. He might have even been wondering the same things himself, and is scared, and hates how this situation is and wishes it would all just be over.<br><br>
Yeah, he was wrong to yell at you, but I yelled at my boyfriend today and made my "mean face" as he calls it because I was stressed and mad and it wasn't even his fault. But he was the one who was there. (just as I'm sure your DH would love to scream at his ex, but he can't.)<br><br>
It sounds like you guys both want the same thing - to make money off the house, not get screwed and move on with your lives. Can you put it to him this way? That you are on his side?<br><br>
He probably knows its not right to scream at you like that, but rather than lecture him on respecting you or knocking his teeth out, can you let him know that it hurt you to me yelled at, but that you are really trying to be supportive of this and ask how best to do that?</div>
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ITA. we all blow up and say things we don't mean, and hopefully that's the case with your dp. this could actually be a good opportunity to grow as a couple, but i do believe if you threaten to knock his teeth out, blah, blah, blah, it would have an undesirable effect. i think once the air has cleared a bit, you should let him know that it hurt you when he snapped like that, especially because the two of you are a team and have the same goal in mind. two heads working together is better than one. chances are, if he is a keeper, he will agree that what he said was uncalled for, apologize, and be thankful that his dp is trying to analyze the situation from multiple angles. if not, then i'd be concerned.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>LLobsterTV</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7331825"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">ITA. we all blow up and say things we don't mean, and hopefully that's the case with your dp. this could actually be a good opportunity to grow as a couple, but i do believe if you threaten to knock his teeth out, blah, blah, blah, it would have an undesirable effect. i think once the air has cleared a bit, you should let him know that it hurt you when he snapped like that, especially because the two of you are a team and have the same goal in mind. two heads working together is better than one. chances are, if he is a keeper, he will agree that what he said was uncalled for, apologize, and be thankful that his dp is trying to analyze the situation from multiple angles. if not, then i'd be concerned.</div>
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For the record ladies, I never TOLD her to threaten to knock his teeth out. I just said if it were my husband, he would POSSIBLY be missing some teeth. And that was really only a gut reaction to her saying he told her to shut the F up. It was said more or less tongue in cheek. Sorry. Shouldn't have even brought it up.<br><br>
I agree with your approach. But, she does need to tell him that he is not to tell her to "shut the F up". Stress or not, that is uncalled for.
 

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Sounds like he has some of the concerns that you brought up...what if this is a bad financial choice? what if the house doesn't sell at a good price? Sounds like he is trying to straighten out his current finances and selling a house under any circumstances can be stressful.<br><br>
Do what you can to be positive and supportive. Show some faith in things working out for the sale of this house. I bet he could use some support right now. I know that's hard to do if you aren't certain this is the right choice.<br><br>
As for the way your dh yelled at you. Is this common? If so, get some couple's counseling. If not, I'd give him cool down space and then tell him you do not want him to talk to you like that again...instead he could have just told you your questions weren't helping. Not that you were wrong to pose the questions but if he wasn't up for hearing them he could have just told you and then you could ask them elsewhere or revisit them with him later. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks ladies for all your responses. I pretty much agree with a little of each post, to be honest. Dh has (obviously) been under alot of financial strain and stress... working two jobs and still having to use the credit card to buy gas/groceries due to all our bills, rent, debt, and the $1000/month mortgage. I think thats part of why he's been so touchy. And I think he was expecting a different reaction from me when he came home with the paperwork explaining this and that... I think he expected me to just be like "oh, that's great honey!" like he was... he's so relieved to have an end to our turmoil in sight. Instead he came home all chipper and I was (in his mind) just raining on his parade with my nagging concerns. BUT I still don't think it's acceptable for him to tell me to "shut the F up". It REALLY pissed me off, especially since I was just concerned. There have been other situations where it hasn't pissed me off so bad, like when I was calling him every name in the book and he told me to shut the F up, it seemed more acceptable/appropriate. I admit we BOTH have issues to work on regarding the verbal levels we sink to. But we really don't fight all the time or disprespect each other on a really regular basis or anything. Which is part of why it pissed me off so bad... it was just so out of line!<br><br>
After he blew up, I posted this thread and went to bed. I had resolved to not be over it the next morning, but I suck at holding a grudge (so does dh) and he was all cheery and I was over it.
 

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as a realtor in NY i would advice your partnet to talk to his divorce lawyer before putting the house on the market...you said hubby could sell the house in 2009? i dont understand why the ex wife wants double the money....she is being selfish and your partner is being taken advantage of.<br><br>
your hubby could serously setting himself up for more legal trouble later by selling he house outside the boundaries of the divorce agreement.<br><br>
PM me if you want to chat more
 

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I am sorry you guys are going through this. Sounds like he is just really stressed out.
 

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Before dp sells the house he needs to have an appraisal done. Realtors often price houses lower than what they're actually worth. Most mortgage companies want/need an appraisal anyhow. You do not have to sell under appraisal value, dh could end up getting enough extra by using an appraisal price to pay the fees for the realtor.<br><br>
Is there any chance he could sell it to his ex-wife and pay only the $35?<br><br>
I agree on him talking to his lawyer before actually doing this.
 

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Oh, but I would be careful about appraisals... we were told from realtor friends that houses appraise for what it needs to appraise for...<br><br>
For instance our house appraised lower than we thought it would for the closing of our home mortgage... Somehow it appraised for the same amount that the loan was going to be for hmmmmm<br><br>
So just something to consider... that they are not always a reflection of their true value.
 

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We are selling our house right now 'by owner' and it really isn't that big of a hassle. In fact - the things that are a hassle - would be a hassle even with a realtor.<br>
Feel free to PM me if you want some info.<br><br>
Sorry he yelled at you - I agree that this can be an opportunity for you to grow as a couple. Selling/buying a house (with or without a realtor) is one of the most stressful things someone can go through. DH and I have had so many irrational arguements lately - and at some point we both just agree to stop fighting - that it's the 'stress monster' coming in and ruining our happy lives <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">.
 
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