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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I was hanging out with some other new (and soon to be new) moms the other day and just got so ... frustrated and sad by all the anti-AP attitudes. (Can't think of any other way to describe it ... )<br><br>
There were two women there having their first and this other mom (with 2 kids) was giving them all this "advice" like "oh yeah - it doesn't matter if they cry - you just have to do it so you can sleep through the night ..." and then it was "oh yeah, I just found out that they never used anesthesia during the circumcision ..WHOOPs ... " and "it really doesn't matter if you quit breastfeeding ..."<br><br>
I gently suggested at times that there were alternatives - you didn't HAVE to circ, that we co-slept (in a crazy wide variety of options) for 6 years _ and still do _ and it works fine, that DD went from breast to cup and it was great for us ...<br><br>
*sigh*<br><br>
I'm trying to have a "live and let live," attitude - I don't want to be judgemental. I've got some great AP friends so I've got support and DH is totally in the same corner ... but ... I don't know - I guess it just hit me and made me so sad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Anyway ... vent over ... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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DDC. Just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean. I live in a very conservative community, and I sometimes find myself biting my lip to keep the conversation civil. I was actaully at a party the other day and made a comment that DD (3) is still nursing. You could have heard a pin drop. I think they would have been less shocked if I had said I beat her with a belt. So frustrating. But then I just keep in mind that all mamas (and dads too) are doing the best they can. But I know what you mean about some things (like "of course we circumcised" or "they have to cry if they are going to learn to self soothe") just rubbing the wrong way. Thank goodness for MDC, where we can all be AP and crunchy as we like and find like minded mamas for support. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I'm sorry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">: and I am glad you were there to offer another perspective. I know before hanging out with certain friends of mine, I didn't even know it was possible to birth at home, bf past 6 months (IF you started), or that routine circ isn't "routine". Some of us need someone to offer that other perspective. Glad you could!
 

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I know how hard and isolating it is to be the only one in the crowd - or the town! - who practices AP. But like burnindinner said, there's a lot of nobility in sharing other parenting options. I have to say, if it weren't for this one acquaintance who, while in a group of very non-AP moms, said that she practiced AP (I was pregnant at the time w/ my first) I don't know that I'd be doing anything that I'm doing now and that is really working for us. She happened to mention, I asked her about it, she gave me a quick synopsis of AP and referred me to a book which I read and that's how I even learned that there were different parenting theories. Sometimes it takes just one person to completely alter a family's life for the best. It's just hard to be that one person, especially b/c so many people look at some AP practices as abnormal or even shameful.<br>
Hold strong to what you believe. Often it's the quietest one in the group that's really listening to you.
 

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*hugs* I agree - some of us need people like you to be that light shining in the darkness. If it hadn't been for my MIL, I would never have delved into this wonderful world of natural living. What is so "normal" in society at large now seems so abnormal to me, but some of my friends think I'm over-the-top crazy weird about baby things and food/cooking. Others around here totally agree. I'm lucky to be in a moms' group here in my area that accepts all styles and puts down snobby attitudes, whether it be from the crunchy mamas or the mainstream mamas.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks guys!<br><br>
I sent a follow up email to the one "quiet" mamma - who seemed reluctant to let her 4 mo old cry - and just thew in something casual like "Yep - if you can't tell, I'm kind of on the attachment parenting side of things," .... that way it's up to her to ask questions, etc.<br><br>
I think I'm also getting anxious about all the crap I'm (almost certainly) going to get from my MIL about all our AP choices AGAIN. You would think she might change her tune after seeing DD grow healthy and strong despite our - GASP - BFing, cosleeping, delayed vaccing, vegetarianism but ... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Can't even imagine how much she's going to freak over not circ-ing ...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>whozeyermamma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15443188"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks guys!<br><br>
I sent a follow up email to the one "quiet" mamma - who seemed reluctant to let her 4 mo old cry - and just thew in something casual like "Yep - if you can't tell, I'm kind of on the attachment parenting side of things," .... that way it's up to her to ask questions, etc.<br><br>
I think I'm also getting anxious about all the crap I'm (almost certainly) going to get from my MIL about all our AP choices AGAIN. You would think she might change her tune after seeing DD grow healthy and strong despite our - GASP - BFing, cosleeping, delayed vaccing, vegetarianism but ... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Can't even imagine how much she's going to freak over not circ-ing ...</div>
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That's a good idea to email. I know in a lot of cases I'd be that quiet mama. Although in most things I'm NOT undecided, just not always in the mood to make my opinions known in a big group of different-minded people.<br><br>
I'm curious what my ILs will think about not circing, too. It's never been brought up. I dunno if they'll ask, or just notice during a diaper change. I KNOW they won't give me a hard time, but since they circed their two sons, I don't know how much they know about the other side of things.
 

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I've definitely been there too - I especially feel like co-sleeping is a "dirty little secret" but I can't tell you how many times when I have been honest about it and sensed disapproval, someone has pulled me aside later and it turns out, they are committed co-sleepers, too.<br>
What is it about in-laws that makes them always the experts??? My MIL had two very passive easy babies whereas my dd was the opposite - colicky, never slept, wanted to nurse ALL the time, etc, etc, etc and yet, MIL always knew better. She looks a bit stupid now given that dd is the nicest child in the family and everyone comments about how well-adjusted she is. The thing that made me laugh was that MIL insisted that if I put dd to sleep on her stomach under blankets, she would be a good sleeper - I couldn't get over it when about a year and a half later, she admitted that she had seen on t.v. that they were supposed to back sleep in an empty bed and she realised that just maybe, I might be right about something.<br><br>
It's so hard, when you are tired, discouraged and trying to do what feels right with your child and everyone is so busy judging and telling you what to do. I don't know why women are so hard on each other. Since it was so hard in the beginning, I try to gently offer support and I always couch it in "this is what worked for us, I don't expect you to do it my way and I won't be offended at all" and honestly not judge other mothers. All we can do is what feels right for our own individual child (personally, I think AP is the best route and I don't have any plans to change that but I also don't want to make another mother feel as terribly as I did at times).
 

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I know how that feels. I'm not necessarily as AP or "crunchy" as most here, but I have always had ideas that were totally contrary to everything my family thinks is "right". The "why would you go through labor without any drugs? That's just silly." and "OMG! I hope you don't have the baby at home! You'd better get to the hospital right away so that doesn't happen!" I know when I mention cloth diapering, I am going to get some really dumb responses. And when I tell them I'm homeschooling our ds next year...yikes. There are just so many things that I choose to keep my mouth shut on and go about my life. When they have gone through all of their "tried and true methods" and they don't work, though, I'm the person they turn to for the answers. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jannk</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15442899"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know how hard and isolating it is to be the only one in the crowd - or the town! - who practices AP. But like burnindinner said, there's a lot of nobility in sharing other parenting options. I have to say, if it weren't for this one acquaintance who, while in a group of very non-AP moms, said that she practiced AP (I was pregnant at the time w/ my first) I don't know that I'd be doing anything that I'm doing now and that is really working for us. She happened to mention, I asked her about it, she gave me a quick synopsis of AP and referred me to a book which I read and that's how I even learned that there were different parenting theories. Sometimes it takes just one person to completely alter a family's life for the best. It's just hard to be that one person, especially b/c so many people look at some AP practices as abnormal or even shameful.<br>
Hold strong to what you believe. Often it's the quietest one in the group that's really listening to you.</div>
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This is so true. I had a similar thing happen to me, although it was from a friend over email who referred me to Dr. Sears. I was preg w/my first and the What to Expect book wasn't resonating with me. People always seem relieved when I tell them we co-sleep etc. As my kids have gotten older, and turned out so well (and both sleep through the night beautifully in their own beds, despite NEVER having CIO - imagine that) it becomes easy and pleasant to reassure new parents that they won't "mess up" their kids by listening to their cues and "spoiling them" by not weaning early/CIO etc. I have been blessed with non-judgmental (or at least non verbal) relatives.
 
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