Vent: How do you handle people's ignorance?

A lot of it is projecting your feelings about your situation on others. I've realized that single parenthood is extremely common nowadays. A lot of people don't think twice about it. Also, a working mom is oftentimes looked up to as a strong woman.

It's hard to deal with your own feelings of guilt for being involved in an unhealthy relationship, the relationship not working out when there's children involved, and feeling you have no option but to work outside the home. Coming across other mamas, especially here, who work at home, or bring their child to work with them, only increases the feelings of guilt that you have to work out of the home to pay your bills.

I think you would benefit from a single parents support group to talk about these feelings you have. It's definately a right start to come here and discuss it.

Anyways, I know where you're coming from.

I personally stay home because I am disabled. But, before I got too sick, I was working 2 jobs, babysitting, and going to school full time. Yeah, I was still with my husband at the time, but I felt like a lot of people were looking down on me because I was the primary caregiver in our house, and I spent a lot of time out of the home. When I was working, the kids stayed home with their dad, because we worked opposite shifts, but I still found some people to judge me, even though the children were at home with their father! That's just messed up views and unthinking people.

Is it possible that this woman was just sincerely interested without meaning to be judgemental? I know as a working mama I'm always curious how other families are getting by. If I find myself in a casual conversation with another mom, those issues are foremost in what I would tend to bring up and talk about together.

It's just so damned difficult, and then to be a solo parent - it's almost unfathomable. It's nice to hear how other moms are coping.

Or maybe this was an ex SAHM from a different generation sniffing down her nose at *gasp* single parents, working mothers, NONworking single mothers, parents who use daycare, and everyone else this side of June Cleaver? If so, she can just bug off (before returning home to her abusive spouse, that is) .

one thing i always get is "why did you get pregnant again if you were just splitting up anyways?" gee i dunno maybe because we WEREN'T splitting up

also i look about 14 rather than my real age of 21 (which is still young) so everyone assumes that my marriage broke up because we got married too young (or too fast if its a stranger). cuz people haven't been getting married younger than that in the past.

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Hugs, sista!!

I'm not a single mama, but my dh works ALL weekend (Fri.- Sun. 5 p.m. to 5 a.m. so if he's not at work he's sleeping...well, trying to anyway!) so I'm basically a single mama EVERY weekend, so I definitely have empathy. It's so hard to deal with people's judgments of us (or our perceived judgements) and then we add that to how we already feel about ourselves and our situation. This is a tad off topic, but hopefully I can bring it back home: like the "mommy wars", which I personally perceive as a "grass is greener" kind of thing. I'm a grad student mama, and dh takes care of ds during the week, so I get to be a working mama and a part-time single mama! Whew! I think lotsa mamas wish they could get outta the house and have more adult time (if they are a SAHM) and want to spend more time with the kiddos and doing stuff they are interested in rather than work (if they are a working mama). So like one PP said, maybe she was genuinely interested to see how you cope with it all? Trust me, people may LOOK like they have it all together, but it is possible she is getting ready for a split from dh or whatever and trying to prepare for that reality.

OTOH, if she was judging you, then call her dirty names in your head and repeat, "people are scared of strong women" repeat, repeat, repeat! I promise, if you say it often enough you will believe it and just want to be stronger!!

You are SOOOO strong to be able to leave a bad relationship and do what is best for you and dc. Add that to the fact that you are supporting yourself and you are SOOO threatening! There are SO many mamas out there envious of you b.c they feel they have to stay in a bad relationship or whatever.

I hope this made sense and you aren't just sitting there scratching your head at this post!

I just had my morning cup of joe so I"m doing my lil buzz thing right now!

You have lotsa support here and we will cuss at anyone being mean to you!

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and suggestions. The woman in question is much older, a grandmother. I guess she was trying to make conversation, but I would much rather answer the question "What do you do (for a living)?" than "Are you working?" I hate that question for some reason.

And Journey, you do have a point. I think I just feel inferior and then lead people to treat me that way. It's definitely something I need to work on. Thank goodness I work with wonderful people who take me on my merit and not on my parenting choices.

What all of the replies here have showed me is that all moms are subject to criticism. No matter what you do, you are never a good enough mother, for whatever reason.

Basically, I need to stop acting like a scared kid and grow up. I'm 32 and I must reflect on the fact that my and DS situation is now very good. Far from the days of food banks, empty bank accounts, and abject fear.

eamama, both jillions and jsters words have come true in my life. i went back home to asia when my dd was 8 months old. there u dont just divorce. we werent separated but i was in denial yet the writing was on the wall. but i was v. upset and v. scared. so even though i didnt say anything about how serious it was i said we were having difficulties. what reaction did i get - concern or looking down and rejoicing in the enemy camp.

i returned this time with my 3 1/2 year old a month ago. i stood my ground and v. openly said i was separated when people politely asked about my ex and when he would be visiting. my mom didnt like me being so upfront. with many who tried to say how sorry they were i stood up and said oh i am doing well. dont feel sorry for me. my mom wanted me to hide it for the shame it would bring my family and me.

guess what i hear from my mom. all those people (some like the gma you talked about) who had shown concern or were looking down grudingly admitte to my mom what a strong person i am. in fact i got the biggest compliment 'she is like your son now.' i just stood my ground. i admitted it was hard. but it was great too.

in fact one of the things that happened is that those whose children were facing this too (troubles and hadnt separated yet) - the moms felt they could open up and share their sadness with my mom who wouldnt be judging her.

so truly stay strong in ur singlehood. and wear it like a badge of honour like jster said. it IS my badge of honour and it is yours too.

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Ditto all of that It really was hard for me when I first left ex to actually admit it (to people I knew and to strangers). I felt like everyone was going to judge me. Some did, and it hurt back then. Now I am MUCH more confident when I answer that once dreaded question. I'll usually say something like "Yes, I'm a single mom and I've never been happier" or "Yes, and I think I'm doing a darn good job. Don't you?" or "Yes, I am the mommy to this cute, happy, lovable little boy" or something like that. Very rarely do I get negative comments or looks now and I really think it's because 2 1/2 years ago I was sending off vibes that *I* wasn't comfortable being a (young) single mom and others were picking up on that negativity. Now that I am much more comfortable in my single mommy role I notice others are much more likely to praise me.

Wow guys! I am so relieved to see that one can overcome these feelings of inferiority. You are right. I am definitely projecting my insecurity and "teaching" people how to treat me. I have realized over the past week or so that I need to just grow up and start acting my age. Also to be done away with...the delusions that people see me as bad. I am not bad and yes, I am mommy to a wonderful, adorable, loving, little boy

Thanks so much for your insights.

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eamama...it's definitely something that gets easier over time...I know for the first year or so (especially while I was still pregnant/with a newborn) I was constantly excusing my single status. But it really has changed for me and I'm just so glad to be able to do it all...and I know we're SOOOO much better off as a family.

When you said "I am mommy to a wonderful, adorable, loving, little boy" it reminded me of how I sometimes need a parenting boost, maybe the girls and I are just feeling a little too cooped up, so I take them somewhere that little old ladies will be No one notices me, but I get so many compliments on my kids I just feel lots better, sappy I know, but it works. And they love the grandmotherly attention as well...so it's good for us to refresh that way.

Keep up the positive outlook and you'll find so many more positive experiences!!

The world today is full of people who not only have no clue, but also have no tact. When someone like the woman who asks you if you work and who takes care of your child, all you have to say is "someone qualified that I trust". My brother-in-law started into me as soon as he found out my baby is on the way, about changing my last name and it isn't the fact that I've, "made a mistake it is how you fix it." His idea of fix my mistake is marrying the father. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I had a really hard time putting up with his biting remarks at first, but I have learned that what is really important is the fact that my baby is NOT a mistake. The only mistake I made was falling for someone who isn't mature enough to stay out of trouble and care for a family. I refuse to allow someone like my brother-in-law the satisfaction of making me feel humiliated. You are woman. You are strong. YOU CAN DO THIS!! I think that the way it was put in the post "intimidated by married mommies" by I think her screen name is wemoon is so true! You are doing a job that it takes them two people to do... and as long as you are doing the best you can and loving your child the most you can.... be proud of who you are!