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Discussion Starter #1
I am currently working three jobs.<br>
DH is home with the kids.<br>
We have one 22 month old, recently diagnosed as special needs- and it's been pulling teeth to get DH to begn to do what he needs to be doing with him.<br>
We have an 8 month old very high needs little guy who nurses All Night Long. Even cosleeping, I sleep in 15-30 minute blocks.<br>
Now, DH can be good about helping, but it always comes at a price. If he stays up so I can get a block of sleep- he complains about being tired for the next several days.<br>
Today, I let him sleep in and took the kids out. He slept until about 7:30, then got up and played some games on the computer while we were all out. (House to himself! I don't think I've had the house to myself in years! He doesn't feel like he can 'handle' the kids out on his own.)<br>
He mowed the lawn (which is, admittedly, huge) this morning for about an hour. He came in, we made lunch together. I stretched out on the couch while the kids were napping and within five minutes, the youngest woke up. He put him in his exersaucer near me, then said he was going to bed to take a nap. Since the other child woke when he went in (he sleeps in our room) I had both boys, and he had a five hour nap.<br><br>
I am overwhelmingly sleep-deprived, starting a new job (I have a six day stretch from M-Sat coming up), and generally on edge, so I recognize that I may be feeling more overextended than I should. Once my training/orientation schedule is done, I'll be on 12 hour shifts with more days off which should alleviate some of my stress.<br><br>
As DH got up I was admittedly not being happy and cheerful with him- so maybe I started this off on a bad note, but I did voice my feelings that his actions weren't really fair to me. I didn't yell, but I was very direct. Now he's giving me the 'silent treatment' for being mean to him.<br><br>
Was I wrong to say something?
 

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He needs to grow up.<br><br>
Seriously, why is HE getting a five hour nap, when you are the one who works THREE jobs and is up all night with the baby.<br><br>
Maybe HE should be working three jobs and you stay home?
 

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If you need more sleep ask your dh to take the babies so you can sleep. He isn't going to magically know what you need. You must be direct. Getting mad after the fact isn't really going to help (though I understand why you were upset). Next time he tries to take a 5 hour nap say "sorry buddy, but I really need to sleep, watch the kids".
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15410366"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He needs to grow up.<br><br>
Seriously, why is HE getting a five hour nap, when you are the one who works THREE jobs and is up all night with the baby.<br><br>
Maybe HE should be working three jobs and you stay home?</div>
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agreed<br><span style="font-size:xx-small;"><i>Posted via Mobile Device</i></span>
 

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I agree with everyone else's comments.
 

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When you first said you worked three jobs, and your dh was the SAHP, I was expecting this to be about pretty standard WOH/SAH stuff. It's not.<br><br>
He needs to grow up. He doesn't think he can handle all three of them out on his own? Too bad. He's going to have to get on top of that, because he <i>has</i> to, at least sometimes. I can't imagine trying to be a SAHP, and not being willing to even leave the house with all the kids!<br><br>
Five hour nap? You're doing the night parenting, breastfeeding, and working three jobs, and he took a <i>five hour</i> nap?? That's <i>outrageous</i>.<br><br>
I can't help you not be resentful. I'd be resentful, too. You're suffering severe sleep deprivation, which is very bad for your emotional and physical health. Assuming you're also driving around, it's also very dangerous.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15410366"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He needs to grow up.<br><br>
Seriously, why is HE getting a five hour nap, when you are the one who works THREE jobs and is up all night with the baby.<br><br>
Maybe HE should be working three jobs and you stay home?</div>
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Ummm...Time for him to go out and get three jobs and let you stay home. I would be ending that starting today.
 

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I agree with the others. A five hour nap? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy"><br><br>
I hope that you are able to get some good sleep soon and that he helps you out more <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I agree with pp that this is not fair to you (the "silent treatment"??) but I don't think your methods are helping you.<br><br>
It's more effective to ask for what you need at the time that you need it, than to get angry and resentful after you haven't got it.<br><br>
You let him have a five hour nap, and then after the fact you snapped at him. So now you're sleep-deprived and he's pissy.<br><br>
A better approach would have been to just go in there and wake him up after two hours. "Honey, I need a nap as well. Can you take the kids now?" I bet you would have felt a lot less resentful after *you* had a two-hour nap.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I am working on trying to be more proactive about my needs, sometimes it works, sometimes I turn into a door mat. Today was a doormat day. Bah!<br><br>
His working instead of my working isn't realistic, and I know I am resentful about that because I would LOVE to be the SAHP. However, we can live on what I can make, but his earning potential is lower than mine is. I struggle with that reality on a regular basis. It stinks, but there's not an easy way to fix it. I simply have more marketable skills, and more education than he does. While we can work towards changing that over the next few years, I have to accept reality. It will improve as I can soon drop one of the jobs I'm juggling, and cut back to about 60 hrs a week total instead of the current 90.<br><br>
We did manage to sit down and discuss things. It was a miserable fight and he is sure it's resolved. I'm not, but I also realize that I am under a huge amount of stress right now and a lot of it is landing in his lap.<br><br>
He is a good dad, and (usually) a great husband but we both have our moments. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, and he has promised to take the kids out for a while so I can rest.
 

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I just wanted to say that you are a MUCH better woman than I am, as my husband wouldnt have made it through 45 minutes of that nap without knowing how unhappy and resentful I was. 5 hours? How on earth did you keep your mouth shut that long? Im in awe.
 

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I'm glad you were able to discuss it with him. I hope you will see some changes, especially in the way of getting you some more rest! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter #13
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>QueenOfTheMeadow</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15411330"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm glad you were able to discuss it with him. I hope you will see some changes, especially in the way of getting you some more rest! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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I think it took my being really blunt to get him to see how tired I am. I've said it, but he doesn't always hear it and process it. I think that if we can just hang on for a month or so while schedules resolve and the craziness dies down it will be easier. We'll just take it as survival mode until then.
 

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I have some of the same issues with being a martyr, letting DH sleep in when I shouldn't b/c I just need help... but he does EVERYTHING around here. There are things he doesn't care about so they don't happen, but I basically work and get up in the AM with DD, that's it! He does the shopping, dishes, etc. And he darn well gets DD out almost every day. Some of my over-accomodating him is from when he was the WOHP and I was more tied to DD and tired no matter what anyway, but we really try to have a good balance overall. So I can feel you on what that's like... but he really needs to get his act together. He needs to be doing everything he can for a SN 22mo-- early intervention is key! And if he's the SAHP, he needs to start getting comfy with taking them all out. Little trips at first, perhaps. Going to the park with a playgroup where he'll feel supported/an extra set of eyes to help out? But working so much plus parenting all night is about it for you-- he needs to take on everythign else!
 

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I just started going to therapy with an awesome therapist. I tend to martyr myself and then later realize that i have NOTHING of my own and everyone else is getting their needs met.<br><br>
It always starts like you - well we are putting out fires and well i am pregnant and well i am nursing and well dh is taking a class or it is his busy time at work etc. So i cut back on what i need and then never get it back.<br><br>
When i dont get my needs met for a long time (sleep, alone time, etc) i am grumpy and then i am a mean wife. This makes everyone miserable. This counselor is keeping me accountable. My goals each week have been "get a massage, join a gym, read a book" etc.<br><br>
I had to sit down with dh and write a list of our NEEDS. I NEED either a 4 hour block of sleep at night or an hour nap. I need to work out twice a week. I need a few minutes of kid free downtime when he gets home from work. None of these needs were being met.<br><br>
He wrote his needs (computer time alone to unwind before bed, volleyball or karate 2-4 times a week etc) All of his needs were being met.<br><br>
He was not keeping me from my needs but he was not helping me to get them met. So i was angry and resentful and crabby. Once he saw on paper the unfairness of the situation he wanted to remedy it. We worked together on a schedule where we could both get our time and the kids could still have their needs met.<br><br>
It is hard and i have to struggle not to just skip the gym or ignore my needs. But, i am a much nicer person when i dont feel trampled.<br><br>
If i feel things slipping (like he was supposed to take the kids outside for 15 minutes every day after work so i could decompress) i have to make myself revisit it.<br><br>
If you are burnt out you are no good to anyone. If your dh is anything like mine a written out list and a written out "schedule" may work for keeping the peace.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>a-sorta-fairytale</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15411582"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just started going to therapy with an awesome therapist. I tend to martyr myself and then later realize that i have NOTHING of my own and everyone else is getting their needs met.<br><br>
It always starts like you - well we are putting out fires and well i am pregnant and well i am nursing and well dh is taking a class or it is his busy time at work etc. So i cut back on what i need and then never get it back.<br><br>
When i dont get my needs met for a long time (sleep, alone time, etc) i am grumpy and then i am a mean wife. This makes everyone miserable. This counselor is keeping me accountable. My goals each week have been "get a massage, join a gym, read a book" etc.<br><br>
I had to sit down with dh and write a list of our NEEDS. I NEED either a 4 hour block of sleep at night or an hour nap. I need to work out twice a week. I need a few minutes of kid free downtime when he gets home from work. None of these needs were being met.<br><br>
He wrote his needs (computer time alone to unwind before bed, volleyball or karate 2-4 times a week etc) All of his needs were being met.<br><br>
He was not keeping me from my needs but he was not helping me to get them met. So i was angry and resentful and crabby. Once he saw on paper the unfairness of the situation he wanted to remedy it. We worked together on a schedule where we could both get our time and the kids could still have their needs met.<br><br>
It is hard and i have to struggle not to just skip the gym or ignore my needs. But, i am a much nicer person when i dont feel trampled.<br><br>
If i feel things slipping (like he was supposed to take the kids outside for 15 minutes every day after work so i could decompress) i have to make myself revisit it.<br><br>
If you are burnt out you are no good to anyone. If your dh is anything like mine a written out list and a written out "schedule" may work for keeping the peace.</div>
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That's exactly the pattern here, I think writing it out might really help him see what I need, and it might make me accountable for taking care of myself as well. I really hate being the crabby/naggy wife and mom, so I do need to make sure to take care of myself.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>confustication</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15410923"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It will improve as I can soon drop one of the jobs I'm juggling, and cut back to about 60 hrs a week total instead of the current 90.</div>
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90 hours a week?! You are working 13-hour days, 7 days a week? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
It makes me really sad to hear that any mama has to be separated from her (breastfed!) 8-month-old for that amount of time. It's just not right. I hope things get better for you soon (even if 'better' means 60 h/week, which still seems very very very hard).
 

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You're working 90 hours a week?!?! You and dh must be exhausted. Do you have any family support? Someone to help with childcare?
 

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OP, you <i>should</i> be resentful. You work 90 hours/wk (and are cutting down to "just" 60?!) and do all the night-time parenting.... He mowed the lawn for an hour (which really isn't that huge) and then got a 5-hour nap? How can he let you work 90 hours a WEEK and have no concern for your needs? I'm all for asking for what you need but that is just pure selfishness on his part.<br><br>
And I don't get how he can continue as a SAHP if he can't take care of the kids by himself. I would tell the dude to take some online classes NOW while he takes care of the kids (many single mothers do this with no partner at all) and at least get a part-time job so you can cut down on your hours. Where there's a will, there's a way, unless he's okay with seeing you "cut back" to 60 hours a week. I think you're going to get sick of carrying him on your shoulders before long.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15414314"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">OP, you <i>should</i> be resentful. You work 90 hours/wk (and are cutting down to "just" 60?!) and do all the night-time parenting.... He mowed the lawn for an hour (which really isn't that huge) and then got a 5-hour nap? How can he let you work 90 hours a WEEK and have no concern for your needs? I'm all for asking for what you need but that is just pure selfishness on his part.<br><br>
And I don't get how he can continue as a SAHP if he can't take care of the kids by himself. I would tell the dude to take some online classes NOW while he takes care of the kids (many single mothers do this with no partner at all) and at least get a part-time job so you can cut down on your hours. Where there's a will, there's a way, unless he's okay with seeing you "cut back" to 60 hours a week. I think you're going to get sick of carrying him on your shoulders before long.</div>
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I don't want to be contrary, but I feel for the dh too. He's alone with 2 kids under 2 for 90 hours a week. I assume he does most of the housework too? If the sexes were reversed and a man was writing here and saying he was resentful of his SAHM wife would we react the same way? Both parents seem overburdened.
 
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