[EBeth0000]

So I am at SILs house for Thanksgiving and MIL, DH and I are sitting in the living room relaxing, and all of the sudden MIL starts in on how dangerous my other SIL's homebirth was (she required a transfer afterwards for placenta accrecia, but she was totally happy with her birth experience despite this complication and will do homebirth again if sono shows the placenta is all good). ANYWAY, we had a natural birthing center birth but are planning a homebirth this time, so I'm starting to feel a little defensive at this talk about "the cautionary homebirth-gone-wrong scenario", right?

Anyway, then she says how her first two were vaginal and second two were cesarean births, but if she had it to do all over again, she would only have cesareans because they were so much easier and how birth destroys women "down there" etc. Always great to hear about your husband's mother's girly bits, by the way

She also felt the need to express her distaste at our choice of using a birth tub saying how gross it was that DH would be in the water with "all that blood and placenta and stuff" and I was like, "actually, most of that comes out after the baby" OK, so I was a little snarky at that bit.

I got really offended because, uh, I'm 37 weeks--I don't care what your opinion is you don't go around telling full term pregnant women their birth plan sucks no matter what they are choosing, and try to scare them to death! So I just said, "well, I'm glad your births turned out okay, and certainly every woman has the right to choose the birth she wants, but the research evidence shows that cesarean births are riskier for mothers and babies, so I would never have one unless it became medically necessary." I thought I was pretty calm considering how angry I was feeling.

She then said all women should have birth by cesarean now that we have the technology, and that there was no reason to "risk" vaginal birth. This made me angry because I feel like to state an opinion that is directly contrary to the body of research evidence is irresponsible and even dangerous. What if she is saying this crap to other young women?! I didn't have a chance to respond, however, because she was upset and left the room.

Then she called DH yesterday to basically complain about "how rude" I was on Thanksgiving and how I "attacked" her about birth, and that she wanted him to talk to me and get me to apologize to her. WTF?! I didn't say anything about her births, in fact, I said I was glad she enjoyed her experience--I just said it wasn't for me. She was the one attacking me, she was the one rudely stating that I was doing something "wrong." She got to have her babies, her way, nobody's trying to stop her. But she is actively trying to interfere with my birth.

ARGH! Happy holidays, right? Can't wait 'til Christmas

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[Phoebe]

Oh good lord. I am always amazed what some people are willing to say to a pregnant, especially VERY pregnant woman. I'm sorry but your MIL sounds nuts and insensitive. I would stay as far away from her as possible until the birth is over and done with. She gets no updates, no information, nada. Use your dh as a "screen" and block her out. Shame on her.

And don't you dare appologize.

Your are right that people need to shut the heck up and just nod and smile at a pregnant woman. I am 41+4 today and a good friend called and said to call her when baby comes. She just wants to know that the baby is healthy

:. Don't talk to my over-pg ass about healthy babies you idiot!! There should be no mention of "hope you have a healthy baby" to any pg woman at ANY stage.

People are idiots!!

 

[peainthepod]

, mama! Your MIL sounds terrible and your DH should be standing up for you, or at least telling her to can it.

I agree that you should steer clear of her now and soon after the birth and maybe even forever. She attacked you and then had the nerve to leave the room in a huff, even though she has no idea what she's talking about and had no reason to provoke you that way. It sounds like you handled yourself very well under the circumstances, but next time let DH deal with his crazy parents (and you should deal with yours).

Good luck on a peaceful, healthy, happy homebirth. We know you can do it.

 

[KBinSATX]

So what did your DH say?
How rude of her!

 

[Gena 22]

Not that I think you should discuss it with her, but how many homebirthers feel positively about their experience? Uh, almost all of them. Have one HB and it seems like you become a cheerleader. I still keep a little quiet about homebirthing with people I'm not close to, but my DH and mother who went through it with me tell everyone whenever they can. Even my opinionated grandmother, who at 4 months old asked if I was STILL breastfeeding, changed her mind when she saw how good homebirth was for me and my babes.

How many hospital birth mothers feel the same way? Almost none. Either it all went just alright, with a cool nurse here or a good dr there, or it went many variations of badly.

After all, one of the unforseen benefits of homebirth - MUCH lower rates of PPD. C/S? Highest rates of PPD.

Anyway, just wanted to rant a little too.

Stay positive for your last few weeks. Enjoy the holidays and don't let anything stress you. Stay far away from that woman!

 

[Jojo F.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoebe And don't you dare appologize.

:

There is no reason for you to apologize, you were an adult about the whole situation while she acted like a spoiled brat. Congrats to you because I seriously would have been rude.

 

[MegBoz]

I hope your man stands / stood up for you!!!!!!

My MIL pulled that, "OK, sure, you want a natural birth... uh... whatever! Just wait until you feel those ctrx! They hurt!" (She had epidurals with all 4 & never questioned the medical model.)

DH was under strict orders to KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME during my last few weeks of pregnancy. I refused to pick up the phone when she called and if she were to be stopping by, I'd arrange to be out. He knew & was supportive of this "Meg avoids MIL" scenario. Thankfully, I still sent her some emails, so I don't think she realized I was actively avoiding her, so there was no animosity.

I suggest a similar course of action.

Whenver we do conceive #2, I also intend to plan a HB. I've mentioned it to my Mom & MIL & they both were like, "Oh so dangerous!" Even though I told them the research shows clearly otherwise. They both said, "So what? I still think it's not worth the risk."

I will simply not be telling them it was a planned HB until afterwards.

I just don't want to hear it. Plus, if I do have to transfer, I don't also have to hear, "We told you so!" And YES, my MIL would totally say that! Just like DS was so late (which stressed me out.. 41W4D and she actually wrote on a card, "So glad he is finally here." I threw it out immediately... like I need to be reminded how stressful it was waiting so long for him...

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[Mommal]

I'm going to go against the prevailing opinion here and suggest that you make peace.

You felt attacked about your birth choices.

She felt attacked about hers.

I think you have a chance here to be the bigger human being and acknowledge her wounded feelings by saying "I am sorry that you felt like I was attacking you. That was not my intention, and I'm sorry your feelings were hurt by the things I said. Clearly emotions run high when people discuss their birth choices, and it can be very hard to hear someone criticize those choices. We all make decisions about childbirth which we feel are in the best interests of both mother and child, and that intention is always honorable, whether or not we agree with the choice being made."

Please note that this does not mean you are agreeing with her fallacious statements about homebirth or birth pools or c-sections. Rather, you're acknowledging that her birth choices were made for valid reasons and that you're sorry she felt hurt.

Hopefully she'll pick up on the fact that she hurt you in a similar fashion, and apologize to you. And you do deserve an apology: her birth choices are decades in the past. Yours are happening right now. If she's going to criticize your choices, she owes it to you to do some research before she shoots her mouth off, and she should approach you with great sensitivity and tact, neither of which she demonstrated.

 

[EBeth0000]

thanks for letting me vent. MegBoz, Pheobe, I went 42 weeks 5 days with my DS. . .imagine the heck I got from this woman over that?! And yes, I do not know what gets into people's minds when talking to full term pregnant women. I actually had someone say when I was past EDD a few days "what's wrong with you? Is everything ok?" in hushed, concerned tones

Actually, I am all for making the peace, and I do know I need to be the grown-up here, but unfortunately she's just not the kind of individual where I could say something like what Mommal suggested--it's just her personality. In the past where I have brought things up later to apologize to her she either denied she was ever upset (oh, did you think I was mad? Whatever gave you that idea?) or has managed to find a way to create a new aspect of the argument for the sake of keeping it going.

DH suggests ignoring it, letting it smooth over with time and letting her move on to the next created drama in her life, and then if she does bring it up again, just say "you know we disagree about this, so let's just agree to not talk about it." And he actually is very good about reinforcing me. On the phone he just told her that he was sorry she felt I was rude, but that he also felt that she needed to respect our choices regardless of whether or not she agreed, and that we wouldn't be discussing it with her further. I mean, he's got 35 years experience with the woman, he does great. Better than me

 

[MsBlack]

well bless his heart--now that man is a keeper for sure

I would not apologize, either--but I think I would try to just move on (I mean, of course feel free to vent here or anywhere safe). Just be normal, cheerful, around her, don't act hurt or like you know she's mad. I find that a bit of pretense goes a long way in such family relations as you describe. And if she ever brings up a topic again that you're pretty sure will be a 'hot' topic, just defer from discussing. Smile and say something like "oh, let's not go there!" and change the subject or find a reason to go talk with someone else, change a diaper, whatever. Just be nice, but don't engage where you know it will just get unpleasant--no point in it. That's how I would make and keep the peace around a relative like that.