[odenata]

My dh and I planned a home waterbirth after much research. We took a childbirth class focused on homebirths, we researched and picked a midwife, we did everything we could to provide our dd with a peaceful, calm birth.

We didn't get one. Instead, after laboring at home for 24 hours, I was transferred to the hospital after having an eclamptic seizure, put under general anathesia and given an emergency c-section.

I know the c-section was necessary, but when I think about my dd's first experience in this world being bright lights and needle sticks, IV insertions and an incubator alone, it makes me cry. When I think about the fact that I didn't even get to see her until 36 hours after she was born, I cry (especially when I hear people talk about the importance of the bonding in the first 2-3 hours of life). I didn't get to experience birth and I won't ever be able to have the homebirth I wanted. My mother, who saw me seize, is still having nightmares and can't sleep.

So when people say to me, "The important thing is you are both okay," I want to scream. Yes, the most important thing is that we are okay, but it's not the only important thing. It's such a dismissive comment to make to someone who is still hurting so much and feels sadness and loss. I love my daughter and am so happy she is here and healthy, but I want people to quit trying to make me feel like that should somehow cancel out all my other feelings.

So, if you've read this far, thanks for letting me vent.

It felt good to get that out.

 

[MamanFrancaise]

I understand. I want to shake people when they act as if how a baby arrives in this world isn't important or that the mother's birth experience isn't what matters at all.

 

[asianmama]

I'm so sorry that you had such an experience and are suffering so much loss. Loss of experiencing the type of birth you had planned so carefully and so hoped for, and loss of being able to bond with your baby right away after birth. And it sounds like you're feeling loss on behalf of your baby, that she was not able to enter this world in a peaceful and tranquil way. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of feelings in regard to your experience, maybe grief, sadness, anger (I'm just guessing here!)...I think I would feel that way if I had to undergo what you went through! And you're right, it's absolutely not helpful for people to dismiss what you're feeling.

I hope you will take the time to rest and recover, and I hope you are able to find people who will support you during this time. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[mamameg]

I'm so sorry your daughter's birth was disappointing and traumatic for you.

I get so angry when people say things like that to me. And most people just get weirded out by my reaction, like I'm some bitter birth obsessed freak.... which I may be.... on occassion

: But that doesn't make my opinion any less valid! :LOL Anyway, I find this analogy helps people understand my point: when you go to a restaurant and have bad service and mediocre food, and then you tell people about your bad restaurant experience, no one tells you in a patronizing tone, "the most important thing is you ate". For such a trivial experince like eating out, people get more upset about the way they are treated and if their experience lived up to their expectations. My birth experience in the hospital did not live up to my expectations. Expectations that the hospital set when I toured the facility. And every one acts like I should just be okay with that. I was very disappointed with every aspect of it and I want to let people know so they can avoid it in the future. But sadly, people have just come to accept, expect and even embrace the over medicalization of birth and rather than take an interest in reclaiming it, most resort to the thoughtless "the most important thing... blah blah blah". Surprisingly, it's mostly women who say it. Frankly, most women I know (acquaintances at the park, playgroup, tumble tots, etc) can not engage in a birth rights converstation with me. I can tell by the way they respond to me that they've never even really thought about it. And I live in a small middle/upper-middle class/wealthy community and these are educated women. I am surprised and disappointed that more women are not in tune with this issue. So I just keep on ranting about it and I take the crazy-lady looks when I get them. I figure it's a small price to pay for possibly educating someone.

*whew* okay, rant over.

 

[mmaramba]

Wow! Excellent points, mamameg!

Frankly, IMO, this comment (especially the pooh-poohing attitude) is almost as bad as telling a miscarriage sufferer "It was probably for the best," or "At least you weren't that far along."

I know that in a birth, with a reasonably healthy baby, you do get something very positive as well... But...

The thing that gets me is that people say the same thing to accident victims, which is understandable...

"Oh, your legs are both broken and you'll need reconstructive surgery on your nose, but THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE."

Now that's kind-of warranted. I understand that. But there are two major differences...

First, most C-secs (though not all, and probably not in the OP's case) and interventions-gone-awry are totally preventable. They AREN'T just vagaries of life that can't be predicted or controlled. Occasionally they are even done without consent! So they are not like some random mishap that may be awful but must be accepted on some level-- like a car accident.

But people ACT as though they are... This is a current pet peeve of mine, about which I'll post elsewhere.

Second, people are more willing to acknowledge that, even if an accident victim "should be grateful" or "is lucky" to be alive, the situation and recovery ALSO stinks. Not so much with C-secs or unnecessary episiotomies, etc.

Why?

Because that's just a "natural" possible consequence of birth! If we start thinking C-secs are not usually done for any good reason, then we have to acknowledge that something is wrong with the system, and, if we as women, had them, we may have been vicitims of non-evidence-based medicine. Oh no! Cognitive dissonance! That's wayyyy too disturbing.

And second, because anything negative you say about your birth, when you end up with a "healthy" baby, makes you a bad mother.

Bleh.

 

[AngelBee]

Keep in mind....people do not know what they are suppose to say when people are experiencing grief. They want to show you they care and are concerned about you....even if they are saying the wrong things.

 

[Pelgie]

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your experience. How disappointing.

I also, however, agree with Anglebee that most people probably can sense how upset you are and really don't know what to say. People's insecurity with their own inability to know what to say can leave them grasping for straws and saying things that make you feel worse rather than better.

A lot of people attempt to help by putting things "in perspective" such as mentioning ways that the situation could have been worse or looking for the positives... of course a lot of times this doesn't help at all.

 

[Storm Bride]

This has been discussed on here a few times, and I agree with the OP.

My feelings about my c-sections have been mostly dismissed with "oh, well, at least you're both okay". Yeah - so big deal that I'm going through hell. And, while I know some women recover better than others, I am not okay when I've had a c-section. The physical aftermath lasts months, and the emotional aftermath lasts years. The baby and I are not "okay".

And, yes - people do it with miscarriages, too. "Oh well - at least you know you can have children". When your only child is 7, and you've got a whopping 3 miscarriages to show for 6 years of ttc, that's not exactly a helpful remark, either.

I do understand that people don't know what to say - but it's frustrating, and feels dismissive, whatever the speaker's intent may have been.

 

[fiddledebi]

Odenata,

I think everyone has had good things to say about the comments you're getting and how unfair they are -- but I wanted to say something about your specific distress about your daughter's first hours out of the womb. Although I didn't have as bad an experience as you did with my daughter's birth, I regret this immensely, too -- the bright lights, the panic in the room, the immediate suctioning and pit-crew examining her, no touch from me, etc. I didn't realize how upset I was about it all until years later, when I became pregnant again and thought about what I wanted to change for this birth.

Someone suggested to me that although I could no longer really talk to my daughter about how I regretted the situation in the room during her birth (since she's old enough to be frightened by my words), I could perhaps say something to her while she was sleeping. Sadly, she's such a light sleeper that this wouldn't work either...but I have tried to send her messages of this sort, heart to heart, in meditation. If I had been aware of my regret when she was an infant, I would have sat with her against my chest, rubbed her back and caressed her face, and apologized. I would have told her everything I was feeling, how I had felt powerless at the time, but that my love was always with her, and that I would never leave her to flounder that way without me again. I'd tell her that she was safe, and loved, and wanted, and that things had not gone as planned.

You may want to do this, as much for yourself as for her. You will show her with your actions and attitude that the two of you are attached, but it might feel really good to SAY it, and to tell her what you are feeling about her birth.

Just my two cents -- I wish you a healthy recovery and a beautiful life with your daughter!

 

[odenata]

Thanks everyone for your sympathy and for replying. It's good just to get it out.

Mamameg, I like the restaurant anology. It is sad that people (especially women) don't expect more from birth and those that help us, whether it be a hospital or midwife.

Angelbee, I do understand that not knowing what to say motivates some people to say this, but it doesn't make it any less dismissive. Like mmaramba said, they wouldn't say something like that to an accident victim...

gotta go...baby crying...more later.

 

[Lousli]

I just wanted to say...I know. My daughter's birth was nearly 6 months ago, and I'm not over it, nor am I over those traumatic first 3.5 weeks she spent in the NICU. I didn't get to see her for 26 hours after birth, so the bonding issue makes me upset too. I just talked on the phone yesterday with a friend who had a newborn and she asked me a question about whether the nurses bugged me to nurse 15 min. per side while we were in the hospital. I couldn't get mad because she is so sleep deprived she probably hardly knew what she was saying, but I had to remind her that my baby had to be tube fed in the hospital.

I just want you to know that you are not alone, and it is so so hard when other people don't understand. What has helped me is talking about it here and IRL with my friend whose baby was in the NICU with mine. But she had a natural chilbirth, and it's her first baby (mine is our last) so she can't relate to the loss of the birth experience in quite the same way. Giant hugs, mama.

 

[G&B'sMama]

Odenata- I am so sorry that that happened to you and your family. How difficult and frightening. I had a traumatic birth with my son and I was so frustrated by people's responses. I would encourage you to work out your feelings, though, by talking to close friends or even a licensed counselor. After my son was born I suffered from post-traumatic stress and seeing a counselor was the best thing I did for myself. It also helped me deal with people's comments and reactions- because many people don't really know what to say and so they say something they think is reassuring.

Fiddledebi's description of making peace with herself and her daughter about events of the birth was very touching. Even though my DD's birth did not go as planned, at the time she was born there was excitement and celebration and love. My greatest regret about my son's birth was that he was born amongst so much anger and fear. I mourned the loss of the calm and gentle welcome into the world that slipped through our fingers when he was born. There were many days when I would hold him on my chest and cry. One of the healing exercises my counselor suggested was to plan a welcoming ceremony for my son. It was something that was meaningful to us as a family and we held it when he was about four months old. We read all the cards and letters we received from family and friends to make the point that he was born into a world of love and into a community that welcomed him. My husband and daughter and I prepared something special to say to him and we each took our turns holding him close and giving him our special message. It was wonderful and healing.

My son is 11 months old. The emotional hurt is not completely healed, but it isn't as painful as it once was. His birthday is coming up and already I can feel some of those painful memories coming back to the surface. I am working hard to make his birthday a very special celebration.