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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, so this is actually a really serious subject to me, but the circumstances will probably make it sound kind of funny. I know from an outside perspective I would be laughing so I try to have a sense of humor about it. I think I really needed to type it all out.<br><br>
I don't communicate w/ my father. He cheated on my mother sense I was born & left her when I was 5 (along w/ my 3yo & 1yo sisters) He then proceeded to do everything in his power to make her life a living he**. I could go on and on but some of the stuff he did over the years is beyond belief. They didn't get legally divorced untill I was 18 so he really messed up her life in a lot of ways (financially & otherwise)<br><br>
He is a drunk & a drug user. He doesn't have a problem with having incest in his sexual relationships (he even fathered a child w/ his second cousin(that he does not aknowledge) and had a relationship with the daughter of a second cousin who is my age when we were in high school - yes, under 18). He also has 2 more children under the age of 5 in other states that he does not aknowledge.<br><br>
He is currently living with a woman 15 years younger then him who he slept with for about a year behind her hubby's back. When her hubby found out and divorced her my "father" moved into her in that man's house. She has a 10yo daughter. He has been with this woman about 18 months-including the time she was also with her hubby. He is 50 years old. And of course, she is pregnant & due a week before me. I have not seen or spoken to him in 2 years, but its a small town & everyone knows everyone's business.<br><br>
People keep making comments about it, (like I said - small town, everyone knows everyone) to which I usually make a very blunt statement in respose along the line of "I don't have anything to do with him and do not want to talk about it"<br><br>
Here is the issue with it all, beyond the obvious embarrassment of the whole situation: I am concerned that he is going to take me to court for grandparent visitation rights. I think concerend might be an understatement, I've had nightmares about it the past three nights and woken up very upset.<br><br>
This is a dangerous person. I don't want him anywhere near my children. Even supervised visitation is not ok, because he is a very bad person but is very charming. Women swoon for him. He takes kids to carnivals and lets them spend hundres of dollars on games & rides. If my children knew him through visitation he would get access to them at other times one way or another.<br><br>
What the heck do I do about this? I live in NYS & there are laws in place here that allow grandparents access to their grandchildren. I don't know if I can prove in court what a bad person he is or not, it would depend on how willing certain people would be to testify. And I don't know anything about courts - who's testimony counts? I mean how much does it count if you get another drug user to say "yes, that person did drugs with me on a regular basis" wouldn't their story not count because they are a druggie? and if I could even get an x girlfriend (or two) to get up there and say "this man beat me up" arn't they going to ask why she never filed charges (because he was their drug source) they don't have any reason to do this for me. I wasn't very nice to any of these people when they were in the picture- I don't think they would step up for my sake now.<br><br>
And what if he says he has stopped drinking? I know first had that he will look straight into your eye and tell you he doesn't drink while sipping from a JD & coke. I know he will lie and say he never did drugs, which is NOT TRUE. I've seen the cocaine go up his nose.<br><br>
If we have to hire a lawyer (which we are considering doing before the baby is even born) I'm going to have to borrow money from my mom in order to get a good one. I know I will do it but It really sucks to go into debt over something thats not my fault. And I'm still terrified he could get supervised visits.<br><br>
I don't think I could take my child to him even with a court order. DP has already said he would kill my father and go to jail before our kid had to be around him. He knew my father before for years before we started dating & has a very good understanding of the things he has done. He sucks people in and spits their lives out a huge mess.<br><br>
I should also mention that he called & left a message on my cell phone yesterday (havent' spoken to him in 2+ years) saying that he really wanted to communicate with me and loved me very much & wants to see me. DP saw him in public about 3 months ago & when he said he wanted to see me DP told him to stay away from me - and I was hoping that would be enough - but I guess its not.<br><br>
He only lives 2 miles away from where I live now. I still sleep with a loaded gun by my bed & I have sense I was 8 years old because I have always been terrified of him. (my grandfather - his father - gave it to me & taught me how to use it because I am NOT the only one who feels this way)<br><br>
I haven't had any problems the past few years & really mellowed about the whole situation quite a bit, but now my nerves are raw. He takes sadistic joy in getting people in their soft spot & he knows that my family is mine. I'm scared he is going to try to mess with my head again.<br><br>
What do I do? Should I go ahead and borrow the money and meet with a lawyer NOW, or should I wait and see if he even bothers us once the baby is born? I don't have any legal reason to get a restraining order at this point. He has one recent DWI & a contempt of court on his record - but I don't think any felonys. He has been through the legal system but seems to manage to come out without a conviction most the time. (big dollar lawyers)I'm don't mean to fish for free legal advice, but I could really use some. Someone ease my mind that I will be able to shut him off from my family successfully.
 

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You sleep with a loaded gun?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/scared.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="scared"> Yikes. This guy sounds scary to me.<br>
Is there any chance of you moving?<br>
I wouldn't personally be comfortable living in such a small town with a father like that...esp after your DP told him to stay away from you and he is calling you now.<br>
I would get the hell outta Dodge personally.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br>
((hugs))
 

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I don't have any advice but my heart and thoughts are with you. It seems like crazy/drunk Dad's aren't as unusual as I once thought. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I wouldn't hire a lawyer just yet. Just refuse to return his calls and have contact with him and see what happens from there. If he decides to go for grandparents rights- then borrow the money and hire a lawyer. But a lawyer probably can't do anything until the baby is born anyways, so you'd just be waisting money and going into debt without cause. Now if that man even TRIES to come near to your home or near you or your baby then I'd take immediate action!!<br><br>
Although if he has several children that he refuses to claim, then I wouldn't think that he would go to court over visitation for a grandchild. (I don't doubt that he would try to wiggle in by manipulating you, but I'm not sure about actually going to court.)<br><br>
I agree w/ the pp about moving. If its at all possible it would probably be great for you and your family.
 

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Oh my goodness mama. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you and your family stay safe. I agree, getting a lawyer right now wouldn't do much good, and if he does try to force you to let him see your baby, it doesn't seem like he would have much to go on, with so many unacknowledged children, incest, etc...<br><br>
Many many <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">s mama!
 

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can grandparents even get mandated visitation? mothers fathers yes, but grandparents seems up to the parents of the child.
 

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Yeah, I wouldn't hire a lawyer just yet. And like a pp said, he probably won't go that far if he ignores kids of his own....The only case I really see this happening with is maybe when the child is a bit older...say 2 or 3 and if he was a pedophile.<br><br>
At this point, you would have the backing that he never cared to see the child in the previous years, why now?
 

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Grandparents rights only apply where there is a pre-existing relationship with the grandchild. If your father has never been around your kids, he can't sue to see them because he has no grounds.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for the support.<br><br>
We can't move, all of our other family (mine & in-laws) live in this town & we are very close. Plus our jobs are here & our house is almost paid off.<br><br>
The whole reason I think he would do the court process is because he *lives* for that type of thing. He loves lawyers, loves court, and loves to know he is really messing with my head. Its like a sick hobby. It would have much more to do with upsetting me, DP, & my mother then anything to do with the child. If he did actually get visitation he would show up 1/3 of the time and act like a hero, and the other 2/3rds leave the child waiting.<br><br><b>lasciate</b> - That is what I was really hoping someone would say. You made my morning <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lasciate</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11592148"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Grandparents rights only apply where there is a pre-existing relationship with the grandchild. If your father has never been around your kids, he can't sue to see them because he has no grounds.</div>
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See thats what I thought also. Grandparents rights only apply if you are trying to destroy a preexisting relationship. Since you havent spoken in years he wouldnt have grounds
 

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Have you ever considered getting a restraining order against him? I'm assuming that if you sleep with a loaded gun, you have reasons to fear him harming you.<br><br>
It doesn't sound funny at all.<br><br>
How stressful!
 

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Wow, just when you think no one could understand such a messed up situation someone shows up with the same one!<br><br>
I understand. We choose to leave our families behind and moved to another state. Within one week, we changed our car, address, phone number, email, bank account- everything. Thanks to some helpful family members, he still has a good idea of where we are but so far hasn't bothered us. It's been almost 3 years and he still asks my brother about us a lot but doesn't push too much. All that said, my father actually is a pedophile and is married to a woman my age. I threatened to tell her if he bothered me and to present an affidavit in court if her pursued grandparents visitation. So far, so good.<br><br>
I have no legal advice to give but I wish you luck. I'm sorry you have this worry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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You know, in your situation, I would beg, borrow (and maybe steal <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">) to get my backside down to a good family law attorney and have an airtight will drawn up anyway. I'm assuming whoever does that for you could answer this question for you as well.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> What a tough situation!
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tiger Lily</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11597706"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You know, in your situation, I would beg, borrow (and maybe steal <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">) to get my backside down to a good family law attorney and have an airtight will drawn up anyway. I'm assuming whoever does that for you could answer this question for you as well.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> What a tough situation!</div>
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Wow, thats another thing I never thought about. I'm glad you brought it up.
 

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I am sorry you're having to deal with this. I am in a similar situation with my father, only minus the drug use, add sexual mulestion. He's not a good person or someone I want around my children. When ds was born he showed up to the hossy not even an hour after I delivered! I said to my nurse is there anything that can be done, why was he let in? And they said no. No one called him, so he called the hossy and they told him I was there and must've told him the baby had been born. Luckily after a blow out, an hour after having a baby, he left, called me the next morning to tell me how much I hurt him, and that's been it. I'm shocked, but pleased. I am worried he'll do the same this time, so I'll be speaking to my OB about the hossy letting in on the maternity ward and telling him when he called that I was there. Anyway, that doesn't help with your situation of course. I think if I were that terrified and he was that bad of a person and was persuing it, if I couldn't fight it, I'd move. My father told my sister shortly after ds was born that "one way or another he's going to see his grandson" and I say, over my dead body! He will never see him. I'd definitely get some legal advice on what you can do to prevent that from happening. And just hope and pray that he doesn't bother with you. Also, for sure have a will drawn up with who the baby will go to should something happen to you and your dh, definitely a good idea!
 

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*hugs* for you, Mama - how frightening!!!!! I agree that a lawyer probably wouldn't do much and as far as I know, grandparent rights do only apply when there is a preexisting relationship.<br><br>
I have a friend who is going through a very different situation regarding grandparents rights. Someone suggested <a href="http://www.grandparentsrights.org/" target="_blank">this organization</a> to her. Perhaps they could be of help in clarifying the laws in your state?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MommaSomeday</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11598140"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">*hugs* for you, Mama - how frightening!!!!! I agree that a lawyer probably wouldn't do much and as far as I know, grandparent rights do only apply when there is a preexisting relationship.<br><br>
I have a friend who is going through a very different situation regarding grandparents rights. Someone suggested <a href="http://www.grandparentsrights.org/" target="_blank">this organization</a> to her. Perhaps they could be of help in clarifying the laws in your state?</div>
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I am so glad that a couple of people here think that the laws only apply to preexisting relationships. I also second MommaSomeday's suggestion to find an organization taht can help you navigate this and also give you support. There might be a woman's group in your town or a town nearby that can point you in the right direction.<br><br>
Also, document, document, document. Write down what you recall about the run in your DP had with the guy who provided you with some dna. Document the phone call he recently made. Document how long before that you last had contact with him. Do whatever you need to do to be safe. Take control from him. That is why he called you. He wants to have some control over you still. He knows he can get to you. IF he calls again, stay level headed. Speak calmly. Be brief but let him know that he may not call you again. That you do not wish to speak with him and that you expect him to honour your wishes. If he tries to argue. Repeat yourself and don't add any new information. If he calls again you will consider it harassment. Then hang up. If he calls back do not answer your phone. If he continues to call report it just to have it on record.<br><br>
Then care for yourself and don't let him take your mind from the beautiful life you are creating. Enjoy your pregnancy despite him. Don't let him take that from you. Get support.<br><br>
Also, it seems like we might have enough members here for a crazy dad club...I'll join! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Turtlemum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11600979"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Also, it seems like we might have enough members here for a crazy dad club...I'll join! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"></div>
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You can add me to that, too!
 

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hugs momma... i haven't read all of the replies, but personally, I would avoid him at all cost. Wait it out and see what comes of it. Is it possible to move away? Change your phone numbers and don't let anyone that remains in contact with him know where you are moving.... if that isnt an option, then I would keep 2 loaded guns by my bed and if he ever tried coming around, don't be afraid to use one and use the other to "throw down" with his prints on it - just tell the cops he pulled a gun on you and you feared for your life....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> (i'm joking...sorta) anywho, i'm sorry momma...you're probably stressing yourself out for no reason. If he hasn't been a part of your life this long, he probably isn't interested in being a part of your childs life either - especially since he'll have a new baby to tend to - at least I hope!
 

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Here is a nice example from divorcenet -- this is specific to New York Law:<br><br>
>In a more typical case, the grandchildren's parents, both objected to the maternal grandparents having visitation with their children since the relationship between parent and grandparent deteriorated. As the Court found, family get-togethers were subject to "stress, tension and uncertainty" due to the grandfather's desire to be controlling and make demeaning comments to the parents and grandchildren. Making matters worse, the grandfather refused to accept responsibility for the deterioration of the family's relationship. For this reason, the Court found that it was not in the grandchildren's interest to have visitation with their grandparent's.<br><br>
>Undoubtedly, the fact that the children in the foregoing case came from an intact family and that both parents objected to the visitation with the grandparent's weighed heavily in the court's finding. For, as the court noted, "As fit parents, respondents have the right to choose with whom their children associate. . .The record establishes that respondents acted reasonably on the basis of legitimate concerns for the welfare of their family."<br><br><br>
I looked this up because I was wondering what the real rules on this are. I think courts have a lot of disrespect for people who have had legal troubles due to alcohol, and will take his DWIs as evidence of his problem (no matter what he says). Hopefully he will be too busy/burnt out with a new LO at home that he will have no interest in your baby. However, from the above, it seems like the law is pretty clear and on your side, so I would wait for him to make the first move.
 
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