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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's late and I can't sleep. I have been thinkng about my oldest son. He lives with his dad. And it breaks my heart, But I did what was best for him and for me at the time. here's my story......
I was only 17 when I found out I was pg, I wanted my baby, oh so very much. I cut down smoking, I started to eat-I was on the starving teen diet- I was taking prenatal vitamins, going to teen mom classes. On May 19 th 1994, I went in to labour, 3 days before my due date. I had some mucus come out and then I had one conctrtion and I need to go to the hopspital NOW! i got there and I was 5 cm, in 40 mins I was ten cm. It was the worst thing I have ever felt. I was completly out of control of my body. I was forced to take meds, My mom was no help she just cryed. all of a sudden my body started to push. I was screaming "I am pushing, I am pushing" I was ripping- badly I could"hear" it-feel it, It was awful. I tryed to not push, for 2 hours i fought my body. Then one push the head was out, there was boold everywhere from my 3 degree tear. My dr was mad at me for taking so long. I was a scared kid, I had never done this before!
his cord was in a knot and they wisked him away. But he was fine so they brought him back and asked me" do you want to hold your baby" I said no, his dad will. I was being stiched up, I fely every stich. I was hurting, and sooooscared.
Family was coming up to see us and for the first hour I never trryed to nurse. well I finally got settled in my room and I tryed he just scareamed. The nurse tryed to help but I had flat nipples. SO he falls asleep we decide to name him Alexander after my Papa. They take him to the nursery and tell me they will wake me up when he wants to eat. Ok I think and go to sleep. at 630 am I wake. I get out of bed and rush down to the nursery I am thinking some thing is wrong I have been sleeping for 7 hours? why didn't they wake me to nurse?
WELLL.. they gave him a bottle, so "they did have to wake me" ugg!!!! I was think that was ok thou, I didn't know I tryed to nurse him all day and he wouldn't latch. Finally I used a nipple sheild and he did latch. so fast forward 2 days, he is nursing, on the sheild. I want to go home! I get home and family comes over and I take a nap and they give him a bottle HELLO I am trying to bf here! He wouldn't take the sheild even now! I went to get a pump and started to pump for him. The next day I phoned the health nurse and she came over to help. He did latch on to just me while she was there. I was feeling better about all this. BUT he some time would latch on to me and some times on to the sheild.I even rented a hospital grade pump and was pumping away, every 2 hours try to nurse, feed bottle, pump. try to sleep blah it was a nightmare. I was slowly giving up hope that he would ever just "normally" nurse. I decided to cut out the stress and just pump. while this feeding bussines was going on. I was feeling alot of resentment towards my ds, I was feeling like a faliure as a mother. I was quickly spiraling down in to PPD. At ten weeks, with new determanation "I" was going to nurse this baby. We stayed in bed, having skin to skin, cuddling and trying to nurse, he did it for 2 weeks, I stopped pumping and was only nursing on the sheild, and some times on just me. but my supply was dwindling. He was getting fussy, and was a bad gainer from all the feeding challanges. I started to take some medication to get more milk( can't rember the name?) I stared to bottle fed formula
But I was pumping again not much but some. I hated myself I was failing at the one thing that was suppposed to come easy, i was letting my child down. I felt that why was I blessed with this beautiful baby, but I can't feed him. WHy WHy, I will stand on my freaking head if this baby will just latch on!!! I tryed one last thing I took him to the breastfeeding center. He had thrush, I didn't know, and they said maybe his little mouth was sore and that was why he wouldn't latch. Plus he was severly toungue tied, with a short toungue. They worked with me for many weeks, and we cut his frenulum twice but he never did latch again. My milk was almost gone. I had used up my frozen milk. I was giving him more and more ff. Untill one day I pumed and nothing would come out, I keep trying, doing breast masage amd drinking water,Nothing. Then towards the end of the day I pumped and try to feed him this pumped milk but he wouldn't take it he just cryed. It looked differnt too, It was really think looking and I think he did'nt like the taste. I was a formula feeding mom, from that day on, he was 3 months old. I was very detacted from him, I let others feed him amd I left him alot with sitters and I was scared to care for him alone. I was always at my moms or my aunts so they could help me with him. I had failed, so bably at breastfeeding that I just thought I must not be able to do anything right for him. at 8 months pp I went on antidepresonants. It really helped me, I was a way beter mom.
10 years later I still feel I should have done more! He was allergic to ff and had diarha for weeks on end he never gained weigh, he was only 19 pounds at 12 months. He had eczema, unknown rashes, cronic ear infections, allergies to antibioticts-one deadly one where they had to give he a shot to open his swelling airways. He refused to eat soilds-probly from being on tons of meds. He NEVER slept. His 1 st year was hell. I am suprized I even lived throgh it. AND know he is on a puffer for ashthma. at 5 years had a brain nfection from the chicken poxs ( maybe bf'ing could have prevented ?) He is over weight now.
I feel very strongly about breastfeedingI can't help it I know what formula does to baby's, I lived it, and my son will forever be damaged from not getting the proper food for him-(hearing loss alleriges ect) at least thats how I see it

PLease no flames for anything I said or did!
 

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Well, I for one would'nt even think of flaming you. You did everything you could. Don't be so hard on yourself. You do the best you can at the time and that's all anyone can ask of you. I did'nt bf my dd's and my oldest is healthy as a horse, but my youngest gets hit hard when she gets sick. My youngest probably would have benefited the most, but who's to say she would have been any different had I not given up? I'm sure your son would have benefited a great deal on bm, but he could still have ended up with all the same health problems you described.

As mothers we are too hard on ourselves. We're only human after all.
 

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No flames - just love and support

Your story made me cry for the mother that you were! I was 17 when I fell pg with Amber so I know how difficult it is!!!


Dont beat yourself up! You tried harder that anyone else I've known who have had problems with bf!


Thank you for sharing your story with us - you are brave. And I hope that sharing it helps you heal!

Love
Shireen

 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Tahnk you for your kind words. I hope this helps me to heal
sometimes I get so sad and disapoiunted when I hear moms stop nursing because it "hurt" I WISH it hurt, but his suck was so lazy, they called it, that he couldn't even stay on.

Thanks so much for your replys
 

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No flames here. Just hugs from me. I am sorry. I ff'ed my first after three months too. He was born in 94 too. I still feel like a failure. Especially when I look at him and how skinny he is, how hard it is to get him to gain. I feell sooooo sad for my poor little boy. I am pretty sure if I had known more about bfing he would be healthier.
 

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I'm so sorry.


It sounds like you went through a REALLY tough time. We all do things in parenting that we later regret. And you were so young! You really shouldn't be mad at yourself.

I think it's so hard to do AP stuff in this mainstream society. It took me a long time to feel confident about all of it and know it was the right thing. Before that, I made several mistakes...including letting my poor little 5 month old scream for 3 hours in a crib so he could learn to sleep on his own. I still feel horrible about that.

But now we're all here. And we're doing the best we can.

Dina
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have taken some om post away at motheing...because i have judged ff moms too harshly. I think I am still judgeing myself. I wonder if I should get some counsleing??? hummm..

thank you so much for your replys
and thanks for gettting to the end of my LONG post!
 
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