very sad about stbx

Comet,
I'm sorry that you and your dd have to go thorough this, s to you.
I haven't lived a situation like that and wish I could give you some real advice. Just wanted to send you a hug .

My sons' fathers have no communication. They have chosen this, and I am in full agreement. How hurtful to a child to have occasional, unreliable contact! I do realize that my sons will always know that there is someone out there who should care about them but doesn't.

OTOH my stepchildren have occaional contact with their mother. She physically abandoned them once, and continues to abandon them emotionally on a regular basis. She pays attention to them when there is someone around to show off for (new husband's family) and ignores them otherwise. Today she called me regarding child support arrangements and hung up w/o mentioning the kids at all. Imagine my 6yo daughter's feelings when she hears her mother's voice on the phone (loud phone) and doesn't get to talk to her. I offered to call her back, but she declined. She desperately wants her mother to give $hit about her and call to talk to HER, not me. I honestly think it would be better for her to leave their lives altogether than to be uncommitted.

Every situation is different, I know, bit I feel that all or nothing is better for little kids. My boys adjusted once, my stepkids have to adjust with each weekend, whether their mother takes them, or just calls, or forgets to call.

My heart is with you through these difficult events. I just don'y understand how people can treat children in such ways.

Dear Oatmeal and others,
Don't focus your attention or that of your children on what they don't have ie a dad because for small children "dad" is just another word.They can only regret not having one if you constantly focus on it. Speaking as one who knows

I to have not been in this situation, but am sending you support! This must be a trying time for you. How wonderful that your daughter has you in her life! My ds sees his father once a week and has cut his hours to 3! He also *forgot* about his birthday ~sigh~.

I know she is only two, but it helped my ds to read books about different families. They have books at the library that focus on this subject.

i agree with minnowmamma...i grew up with no dad, basically. the "dad shaped hole" thing....its true when you dont have a parent or are estranged from them, its sad to think about, but i would have loved for my mom to help me focus on what i did have more than what i had been deprived of...so i wouldnt have had such a dependant attitude toward men....looking to replace the missing dad...anyway i am happy to report no drug addiction here! i think it takes alot more crap going on in a kids life to make a drug addict. i had that too, a crazy childhood in general, but somehow survived....i dunno just trying to say that you shouldnt focus on those fears ! or to just try to approach those worries with lots of education and suport, etc...

as far as abusive dads who dont wantt o be around the kids...i know its possible to imagine these guys being nice to the kids and fantasising a perfect father child relationship, but abusers are abusers, and in alot of cases it is better they stay away. looming round you on his bike is pretty scary if you ask me, like he is trying to intimidate you and your daughter. i am glad my very insane father flaked out and disappeared for a good chunk of my life. when he WAS in my life it was nothing but psychoticness that i didnt need.