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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi! I'm 32 and PG with baby 4. EDD 4/8/16. I told my parents yesterday and their reaction was disgusting.

Anyone else struggling with that or has in the past? This baby wasn't planned but it is a baby and a human being that we will love and will be part of our family. I can't fathom the reaction.
 
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Hi! I'm 32 and PG with baby 4. EDD 4/8/16. I told my parents yesterday and their reaction was disgusting.

Anyone else struggling with that or has in the past? This baby wasn't planned but it is a baby and a human being that we will love and will be part of our family. I can't fathom the reaction.
Well, pooh on your parents.

You're a grown woman with three children. Although I have no idea why they wouldn't be delighted for you, how RUDE to be negative, at all! When one tells someone one is pregnant, the proper response is "Oh, honey, I'm so happy for you!" This goes whether they're 15 or 40. If you are really concerned for them, the correct follow up is "Tell me anything I can do to help."

The idea that anyone is free to say things like "Hey, we know how that happens now." or "Again?" or "What about going back to school?" is completely wrong.

I'm sorry they were rude. Sometimes parents forget that children are people.
 

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When we were pregnant with our fourth, we had the same reaction from my inlaws; my Father in law and his wife. Their exact words were "None of my concern" and "Better you than me." That hurt us so bad. It kind of ruined our lives actually, because we moved from CA to WA specifically to be near them (at their OWN request!) and didn't know many people up here. We wanted a fourth, and wanted to give them the whole grandbaby experience right from the start like my parents and my mother in law got to experience and they hadn't. The next day my father in law told my husband he should probably get a vasectomy, and wasn't being at all playful. We pretty much didn't see them again until he was born, trying to stay out of their way. :(

It is REALLY disgusting, (Great word!) the sharp degrade that happens with the 3rd or 4th baby. 1st, everyone is ecstatic, 2nd they are equally as thrilled, and hopeful you get the opposite gender. If you do, it's like you're expected to stop there. 3rd, they are surprised, but happy if you happened to have the same gender the first 2 times, because this time it might be different. With the 4th...it's like this country is biased against a brood and feels the need to shame you or pity you. The "Don't you know how that happens?" or "Time to get a hobby" remarks are replacements for the placid smiles or ecstatic squeals. It's just not right.

EVERY baby is a blessing, a gift, a surprise, a joy, a lesson, and hard work. It's a human. Can you imagine reacting the same way to an adult you are talking to who tells you they are the youngest of 4? "Oh, didn't your parents know what causes that?" Or, "Oh I hope your parents got fixed after you." and then their younger sibling is mentally aborted. You're ultimately saying it would have been better if you weren't conceived. What a horrible reaction!
 

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I have ten kids. When my parents started acting like jerks, I just told them I would make sure their grandchild knew that they didn't think he/she should be born. And when those "unwanted" grandchildren became adorable and my parents started loving on them, I reminded them not-so-politely about their rude comments. They don't say rude things anymore.
 

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I expected shock and maybe "we know this wasn't the plan and it will be an adjustment but we support you" and maybe a hug from my mom?

"You need this like you need a hole in the head"
"You cant even handle the ones you have" (WTF, really?!)
"youre going to struggle financially"
"Shawn should have gotten a vasectomy"

Not a hug, not a congratulations, NADA. I mean, they help us alot but that's because they choose to and ask to. We are capable of finding sitters if need be.

I love that they're schooling me how hard it will be. They had 2 kids and we were both a mess. Took me YEARS to recover the bull ish my childhood caused.

I messaged my mom last night and told her that no matter what they think, keep their negativity to themselves.
 

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This country seriously has a problem with kids past #2 , especially if you have a boy and a girl already. When we had our third I couldn't believe how many people said, "I thought you guys were done." Or, "So, was this one planned?" Are you really asking about my sex life?


Well, we're super early pregnant now. If this one sticks, people's jaws will hit the floor.
 

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We had the same reaction. It's so upsetting! We had twin boys and two years later we had a little girl. She is special needs and has learning disabilities. Two years later we had another boy (so 4 kids in 4 years). The little one is also special needs and is a very, very high functioning, very intelligent Down Syndrome child. (The families don't know this either, although my parents suspect) because of their negative reaction. We didn't tell them until I was about 20 weeks And the responses were "you have no money how are you going to support them, you already have one special needs child, how are you going to handle it" etc. Now, to our absolute wonder after three miscarriages in one year (one at 12 weeks, one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks) we are expecting again in just a little under 3 months. Our parents still don't know. My parents live on a different continent and my DHs parents live about 1.5/2 hours away, so we rarely see them. Most of the contact is on Skype and phone calls for the kids. We are planning on just sending out a birth announcement after it happens. I have a couple of friends and so has DH, so we do have emotional support, but to be honest, I have no interest in the conversations that will ensue if we tell them before it happens.


I totally feel your pain. My grandfather always used to say that if you have nothing nice to say to someone, don't say anything at all. Or in this case, lie? :) It's really nobody's business what happens between husbands and wives in their bedroom and how truly disgusting and disturbing that they think they can dictate to you something so personal and intimate between two married people. Just because we are their children doesn't mean we are children. We're parents for crying out loud.


A lesson on what not to do in 20 years. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
 

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I know - people react as though you're telling them you're "thinking" about having another child and would like their opinion. Um, no - the baby already exists - it's a done deal, God willing! We are TELLING you, not asking for approval! I was really afraid to tell my inlaws this time. In fact, I suggested we not tell them until 6 moths if we could manage. FIL and MIL are divorced 40 yrs and don't speak, but they both have the same opinion on kids (they are expensive, difficult, and the world has too many of them already), and each have been badgering DH to have a vas since #4 was born. I was expecting to hear the worst (MIL inlaw's reaction to finding out her daughter was pregnant with her second was "You F-ing idiot!"), and because we occassionally borrow money from FIL (always paid back within 4 weeks), I felt sure he would not be willing to loan us anything if he knew we were pregnant (and it was looking like we might need a loan again a couple weeks ago). Well, DH is the worst at keeping secrets, and although he agreed with my estimation of the situation, he is an eternal optimist...and he let the news slip with his mom and his sister - who blurted it out in front of a friend of their dad's, so then we had to tell FIL too. And weirdly no one said anything awful! In fact, the worst reaction was my dad's :( He was surprised, sighed, and jokingly-ish mentioned vas (for the first time from him). I was pretty deflated. My parents are pretty pro-kids, but my dad has watched what I've been going through, and I think his reaction was much like my own... But my mom was the most excited she's been for any of my pregnancies!

I'm still trying to work out a memorized response to people in the grocery store, etc, so I don't clam up, or laugh awkwardly as though I agree - which sends a terrible message to my kids who always have to overhear these comments. With #4 it was always "I HOPE it's a GIRL!!!", and because it WAS, I'd laugh and say yes. But I hate that that makes it look like I'm not happy to have 3 boys. Now everyone will say it better be a sister for my poor daughter. Which is what I'd like! But clearly I'd be happy with either, as I think most people would be - so why does everyone assume the opposite?
 

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First congratulations to everyone in this group.
I just found out we are expecting #5 . I am a bit leary of what reactions we are going to get from family members. We were kind of still in that not trying to get pregnant, but not really taking very many measures to prevent either.
 
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A lot of big families in this group. Fun!!
 
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