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very, very long vent about moving/changing job
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I think he is being very self-centered by making all of these plans without even seeming to care about your input. He even has you working to provide insurance and didn't even ask you about what you want, from what I can tell by your post.<br><br>
You have $100K in the bank and he expects to live with relatives rent-free?
You have $100K in the bank and he expects to live with relatives rent-free?
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wow... all i can offer is hugs. i know the idea of getting out if the military is scary, we're not there yet, but im scared about what will happen when my dh gets out, whether its when this enlistment is over, or when he's done 20 years. i hope you can talk some sense into your dh and you guys can work everything out
Umm, is he ok? This all seems really weird to me.<br><br>
Dh is getting out of the military in a few months. His committment is up 10/31. We worked it out, where he's starting medical school in August, while on terminal leave. We've talked about this plan as a couple for 7 years! It's still very scary to leave a secure, well-paying job, but we feel that we have a very well-thought-out plan.<br><br>
I cannot fathom dealing with the behavior your dh is displaying. He is showing a complete lack of consideration for his ENTIRE family. You, your dc, his parents, your parents, etc. He hasn't discussed his plan (or lack thereof) with anyone, yet is expecting everyone to go along with it. This is all really weird to me. Especially, when you had planned to stay in for at least 20 years.<br><br>
I don't know what to say. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
Dh is getting out of the military in a few months. His committment is up 10/31. We worked it out, where he's starting medical school in August, while on terminal leave. We've talked about this plan as a couple for 7 years! It's still very scary to leave a secure, well-paying job, but we feel that we have a very well-thought-out plan.<br><br>
I cannot fathom dealing with the behavior your dh is displaying. He is showing a complete lack of consideration for his ENTIRE family. You, your dc, his parents, your parents, etc. He hasn't discussed his plan (or lack thereof) with anyone, yet is expecting everyone to go along with it. This is all really weird to me. Especially, when you had planned to stay in for at least 20 years.<br><br>
I don't know what to say. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
Honestly, if my DH intended to move in with someone else and not pay rent when we weren't facing being homeless if we didn't go with his plan, well, no way I would do that. I'm an adult and would not expect family to take on that kind of burden unless there were no other options.<br><br>
If you have money in the bank you have options. Your DH could even go get a job that would provide things like stability and insurance. He doesn't have to risk your nest egg on a business venture. Of course, maybe it is a good idea to create a business, that is something that only the two of you can decide. Regardless, your family shouldn't be expected to take the burden of starting a business venture unless they are going to reap the benefits of its success. Perhaps in lieu of rent they might accept a share in the business. Of course, they are also perfectly within their rights to turn down that offer.
If you have money in the bank you have options. Your DH could even go get a job that would provide things like stability and insurance. He doesn't have to risk your nest egg on a business venture. Of course, maybe it is a good idea to create a business, that is something that only the two of you can decide. Regardless, your family shouldn't be expected to take the burden of starting a business venture unless they are going to reap the benefits of its success. Perhaps in lieu of rent they might accept a share in the business. Of course, they are also perfectly within their rights to turn down that offer.
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sorry you have to deal with this -- it must be so frustrating to have all of these decisions just being made for you! And it does sound illogical. I'm not sure what the solution would be, though. What about seeing a financial advisor of some kind? Maybe your dh would listen to an "expert" more easily, if he doesn't feel like it's his family being unsupportive or whatever. Not that I'm saying you are doing anything wrong -- just that if he thinks his plans are fine and dandy, and you're doubting him, he might get pretty defensive.
I think this is really serious.<br>
First, you might have $100K in the bank now, but after he gets his hands on it, you won't have anything. Isn't that the point of you living with your parents? So he can use the money for this amorphous business?<br>
Second, i agree with all of the PPs. He is behaving like a young single man with no care in the world. He has a family and he has responsibilities to that family. He cannot follow whatever whim he has. He cannot do that without ensuring you are on board, either. And, he cannot make all of these elaborate plans without caring about your feelings and while stepping on the toes of your entire family.<br><br>
Is he going through some sort of midlife crisis or something?<br><br>
I would seriously consider taking half of the money and moving somewhere on my own, with my child. You don't have to leave your marriage, but I think that if he isn't going to listen to you or have any regard for his family, you have to protect yourself and your child. Separation may do that. And once he burns through his money and has nowhere to go, presumably he will have grown up and come back.<br><br>
I hope it doesn't happen like that. Is there anyway to make him see reality? This is so bizarre.
First, you might have $100K in the bank now, but after he gets his hands on it, you won't have anything. Isn't that the point of you living with your parents? So he can use the money for this amorphous business?<br>
Second, i agree with all of the PPs. He is behaving like a young single man with no care in the world. He has a family and he has responsibilities to that family. He cannot follow whatever whim he has. He cannot do that without ensuring you are on board, either. And, he cannot make all of these elaborate plans without caring about your feelings and while stepping on the toes of your entire family.<br><br>
Is he going through some sort of midlife crisis or something?<br><br>
I would seriously consider taking half of the money and moving somewhere on my own, with my child. You don't have to leave your marriage, but I think that if he isn't going to listen to you or have any regard for his family, you have to protect yourself and your child. Separation may do that. And once he burns through his money and has nowhere to go, presumably he will have grown up and come back.<br><br>
I hope it doesn't happen like that. Is there anyway to make him see reality? This is so bizarre.
I would consult with a family law attorney to learn how to protect yourself financially in this situation. He sounds exceptionally unstable, emotionally and financially manipulative, unwilling to listen to reason, and the $100K will be gone within a year as he "invests" in an unprofitable bail bonds business.<br><br>
Let me guess: nothing is ever his fault, is it?<br><br>
Hugs to you. You are trying very hard, and he's megalomaniacal, fleeting from one grandiose scheme to another. You need to protect yourself and your dd. You clearly have some radar going off inside you that something isn't right here.<br><br>
Listen to your own gut.
Let me guess: nothing is ever his fault, is it?<br><br>
Hugs to you. You are trying very hard, and he's megalomaniacal, fleeting from one grandiose scheme to another. You need to protect yourself and your dd. You clearly have some radar going off inside you that something isn't right here.<br><br>
Listen to your own gut.
Please consult an attorney right now. Not to get a divorce, but to get advice on assuring that all the work you have done to save that money doesn't go down the tubes.<br><br>
What kind of support does your branch of service offer to families terminating service?
What kind of support does your branch of service offer to families terminating service?
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Selesai</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967966"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would seriously consider taking half of the money and moving somewhere on my own, with my child. You don't have to leave your marriage, but I think that if he isn't going to listen to you or have any regard for his family, you have to protect yourself and your child. Separation may do that. And once he burns through his money and has nowhere to go, presumably he will have grown up and come back.<br><br>
I hope it doesn't happen like that. Is there anyway to make him see reality? This is so bizarre.</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>gurumama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7969555"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would consult with a family law attorney to learn how to protect yourself financially in this situation. He sounds exceptionally unstable, emotionally and financially manipulative, unwilling to listen to reason, and the $100K will be gone within a year as he "invests" in an unprofitable bail bonds business.<br><br>
Let me guess: nothing is ever his fault, is it?<br><br>
Hugs to you. You are trying very hard, and he's megalomaniacal, fleeting from one grandiose scheme to another. You need to protect yourself and your dd. You clearly have some radar going off inside you that something isn't right here.<br><br>
Listen to your own gut.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Selesai</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967966"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would seriously consider taking half of the money and moving somewhere on my own, with my child. You don't have to leave your marriage, but I think that if he isn't going to listen to you or have any regard for his family, you have to protect yourself and your child. Separation may do that. And once he burns through his money and has nowhere to go, presumably he will have grown up and come back.<br><br>
I hope it doesn't happen like that. Is there anyway to make him see reality? This is so bizarre.</div>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>gurumama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7969555"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would consult with a family law attorney to learn how to protect yourself financially in this situation. He sounds exceptionally unstable, emotionally and financially manipulative, unwilling to listen to reason, and the $100K will be gone within a year as he "invests" in an unprofitable bail bonds business.<br><br>
Let me guess: nothing is ever his fault, is it?<br><br>
Hugs to you. You are trying very hard, and he's megalomaniacal, fleeting from one grandiose scheme to another. You need to protect yourself and your dd. You clearly have some radar going off inside you that something isn't right here.<br><br>
Listen to your own gut.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
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Wow. I don't have any great insights, either. But he is clearly out there and he is treating you completely unfairly. I can understand wanting to get out of the military, but to do it without any input from you, and planning your future together is beyond awful.<br><br>
For him to assume that your parents would want you all to move in with them is just insane. And the bit with the house and the brother, well, if it really is your dh's house, I can see how he'd sort of feel entitled to it, but he needs to talk to these people way ahead of time and realize how he is pulling the rug out from under them.<br><br>
Is he qualified to do anything other than start his own business or jump into a nonpaying business with a family member?
For him to assume that your parents would want you all to move in with them is just insane. And the bit with the house and the brother, well, if it really is your dh's house, I can see how he'd sort of feel entitled to it, but he needs to talk to these people way ahead of time and realize how he is pulling the rug out from under them.<br><br>
Is he qualified to do anything other than start his own business or jump into a nonpaying business with a family member?
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OMG what a mess.<br>
Could he be having a bit of a crisis? He is making a big life change leaving the military, yk? Maybe he needs some time to decompress from his former life.<br><br>
I second what a pp said. Insist on seeing a financial advisor. The 100K is yours too. Have the financial advisor lay everything on the table for your dh. A counselor could come up with a plan that both of you could agree to.<br><br>
As for living with relatives. No. If he can't make a go of it with 100K and a rental, then he needs to find a different path (unless you do want to live with your parents but you say you don't). Sacrifices are one thing but he is asking others (aside from you and your dd) to sacrifice as well. If you don't want to live with your parents can you tell your parents this? You have a right to have a say in where you live for godess' sake!<br><br>
I think you need an emergency counseling/life advisor, appointment. Is there another counselor you could see asap?<br><br>
I would insist that he NOT make any further decisions without having a financial advisor AND counselor's input and having everything laid out in writing.
Could he be having a bit of a crisis? He is making a big life change leaving the military, yk? Maybe he needs some time to decompress from his former life.<br><br>
I second what a pp said. Insist on seeing a financial advisor. The 100K is yours too. Have the financial advisor lay everything on the table for your dh. A counselor could come up with a plan that both of you could agree to.<br><br>
As for living with relatives. No. If he can't make a go of it with 100K and a rental, then he needs to find a different path (unless you do want to live with your parents but you say you don't). Sacrifices are one thing but he is asking others (aside from you and your dd) to sacrifice as well. If you don't want to live with your parents can you tell your parents this? You have a right to have a say in where you live for godess' sake!<br><br>
I think you need an emergency counseling/life advisor, appointment. Is there another counselor you could see asap?<br><br>
I would insist that he NOT make any further decisions without having a financial advisor AND counselor's input and having everything laid out in writing.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mlleoiseau</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7972647"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br><br>
I did call about the counseling appt today as I can't go on the date they rescheduled it to, and I was told to call back in two weeks to see if I can get an appt in June. I think next week I'll try to get an appointment with a non-military provider. That should be quicker, even with waiting for an authorization.</div>
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I don't even know what to tell you about the rest of this situation other than if you believe in prayer, I'd start there. In earnest.<br><br>
But the counseling thing...I am 99% certain that you can see a civilian provider for counseling WITHOUT prior authorization up to eight sessions. Check out the Tricare website and then call around to some of the civilian counselors.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mlleoiseau</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7972647"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br><br>
I did call about the counseling appt today as I can't go on the date they rescheduled it to, and I was told to call back in two weeks to see if I can get an appt in June. I think next week I'll try to get an appointment with a non-military provider. That should be quicker, even with waiting for an authorization.</div>
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I don't even know what to tell you about the rest of this situation other than if you believe in prayer, I'd start there. In earnest.<br><br>
But the counseling thing...I am 99% certain that you can see a civilian provider for counseling WITHOUT prior authorization up to eight sessions. Check out the Tricare website and then call around to some of the civilian counselors.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mlleoiseau</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7972898"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My mil and sil want me to fast and pray for at least three days.</div>
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I've personally never been one to fast, but if you feel so led (and not by your MIL or SIL), you could try it. I've never done it myself, but I've certainly prayed when I didn't know what else to do. Sometimes it is all that was left to do. It really depends on what your beliefs are, and I absolutely do not want you to feel pressured into doing something just because someone else wants you to.<br><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I did look into that a week or so ago. There's a interview over the phone and if it's determined that you're depressed or have complicated issues, you need to see a military provider or get an authorization to see a civilian provider. I was going to call, but at the time I was even more depressed and figured they wouldn't take me. I may call on Monday.</td>
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Hmmm...seems like if you are depressed or have such complicated issues that you need to be seen by a military provider that they'd get you in pronto, not a month out. Of course, very little about military health care makes sense, so it wouldn't surprise me one iota if this were how it worked.<br><br>
I thought I'd read somewhere that you don't even have to talk to Tricare at all, you can have up to 8 visits with a civilian provider without any kind of authorization at all, assuming you see a civilian that takes Tricare. Perhaps calling some of the civilian providers (they are listed on the Tricare website by specialty and area of the country) and see what they say about seeing you without prior authorization. They'd likely know if they could get paid without going through Tricare first.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mlleoiseau</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7972898"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My mil and sil want me to fast and pray for at least three days.</div>
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I've personally never been one to fast, but if you feel so led (and not by your MIL or SIL), you could try it. I've never done it myself, but I've certainly prayed when I didn't know what else to do. Sometimes it is all that was left to do. It really depends on what your beliefs are, and I absolutely do not want you to feel pressured into doing something just because someone else wants you to.<br><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I did look into that a week or so ago. There's a interview over the phone and if it's determined that you're depressed or have complicated issues, you need to see a military provider or get an authorization to see a civilian provider. I was going to call, but at the time I was even more depressed and figured they wouldn't take me. I may call on Monday.</td>
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Hmmm...seems like if you are depressed or have such complicated issues that you need to be seen by a military provider that they'd get you in pronto, not a month out. Of course, very little about military health care makes sense, so it wouldn't surprise me one iota if this were how it worked.<br><br>
I thought I'd read somewhere that you don't even have to talk to Tricare at all, you can have up to 8 visits with a civilian provider without any kind of authorization at all, assuming you see a civilian that takes Tricare. Perhaps calling some of the civilian providers (they are listed on the Tricare website by specialty and area of the country) and see what they say about seeing you without prior authorization. They'd likely know if they could get paid without going through Tricare first.
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