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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Background:<br>
Shortly after Dh and Ex divorced, Ex moved a couple states away (5hrs). They never changed the visitation (2 weekends a month and 2 separate weeks in the summer) Dh then moved (9hrs) and dropped weekends but tried to work it out for some holidays, as Dh and Ex has family in the original city, never really did as Ex wanted dd to see her family when they visited. I nagged<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> Dh for years to get it changed, but he 1)thought it would just make things worse and 2)hoped that over time his 2dd would ask/want to visit more. Currently, we live far enough away that the girls have to fly here.<br><br><br>
Current Issue:<br>
the dd are 17 & almost 16 and don't want to visit.<br><br>
What should he/me/we do?
 

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My half-sisters are 9 and 10 years older than me and when they were teenagers, they didn't love coming to visit! But I think one thing that has helped us all get along is trying to keep in touch when we don't visit. My dad doesn't email much but my mom (their stepmom) does and my half-sisters share pictures and stuff with her and she shares with my dad. Also my mom has always sent care packages and that type of thing to my half-sisters.<br><br>
Maybe your step-daughters aren't super excited about coming to visit right now for whatever reasons, but is there another way that you can reach out to them? Can you and your daughter (and husband if he wants to) put together a care package and a handwritten card and a photo or something? Or send them an email just to let them know you're thinking of them? I think it's important to reach out and try to connect with them even if they are far away.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
we send about 4-8 packages a year and never hear a response. I now put the cs check in the box so I know the got it! Even if it's a $100 gift card, they never even mention it<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Dh calls often, currently about 2-3x week, but often goes weeks without talking to them as they rarely answer their phones (cell and home)<br><br><br>
as a teen I wasn't that close with my parents, but I would still visit for holidays and such in college, and now as a 30-some adult, call almost daily and visit yearly. I'm afraid, this won't happen. It's so sad to think the last time we might ever see them is when they were 16&14!
 

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My dad lived 15 minutes away when I was that age and I never saw him (my choice). I wish it would not have went that way (we have a great relationship now), but it did. And I have to be honest, I was so mad at him that no one could have convinced me that it would be a good idea to go hang out with him.<br><br>
Keep trying to reach out and make contact. Something that might work would be you guys flying there to visit. It would put less pressure on the girls. You could fly out for a weekend, spend a couple days together. Then they would feel uprooted and to far from friends/boy(or girl)friends (Soooooo important at that age).
 

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We pick up DSD every weekend, sometimes on vacatoins. She got into an argument with her dad about a month ago, and haven't visited since then. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
Although they talk now on the phone a few times a week (used to be a few times a day).<br><br>
I'm hoping she'll come around soon enough. I'm writing it off as a teenage hormones. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> I guess it must be the hardest time not only for parents, but also for step parents...<br><br>
Hang in there!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oriole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8202207"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I guess it must be the hardest time not only for parents, but also for step parents...</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
A lot of teens don't want to spend any time with any parent ... CP or NCP!<br><br>
But on top of that, you probably have some resentment going on. Teens have a very limited experience with life realities. They see things very black and white and they tend to only see things from their own point of view.<br><br>
After raising two daughters, I think I can make a pretty good guess at what might be going through their heads.<br><br><i>Why should we bother to see him? Nobody else seems to care enough to go out of their way. Mom moves us away first. And then Dad moves even farther. If seeing us is so important, why didn't we stay closer. Dad only sees us when it is convenient on the holidays. And now they expect us to miss seeing our friends and miss doing our important teen things just to spend time there?</i><br><br>
Bottomline is, it's almost impossible to have a relationship with a kid that you see 2-3 times a year. Once those kids get to be teens, they able the brutal calculus of who is important and the parent often come up short and non-custodial parents even worse.<br><br>
The good news is that eventually most of teens do evolve back into empathic human being's that recognize other people have feelings, needs and situations.<br><br>
My advice is to keep the door open to them. Keep inviting them to things that are important in your lives whenever possible. DH should keep making the effort to show up at events in their lives, even if it means he goes alone because two of you going is too expensive. He needs to keep showing up whenever possible even if they seem less than thrilled to see him.<br><br>
The hope is that once they start growing out of the self-involved stage that they recognize that Dad kept trying to have a relationship even when they had stopped.<br><br>
One thing to consider is if they are interested in colleges that are closer to you. Invite them down to tour some colleges.<br><br>
Good luck
 

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I would say that as the father of the children, he should be living close enough to where he can see them frequently. In my opinion, because I have kids, I've waived my rights to move away from them until they are old enough to where it's not as hard on them (aka when they are married or out of school).
 

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I agree, I personally think parents should make staying in easy distance of the other parent a HUGE priority.<br><br>
But those decisions were made in the past and the OP wasn't the one that made them, so I thought I would just jump to something that they could do now.
 
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