Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am wondering how different everyone's visit's with our ex's are?<br><br>
We (the kids & I) live with his parents. I hate the place were he lives, it is dirty there is food with mold all over the place and there is dirty cat litter all over as well. I have been in the house a few times. At one point you could not walk in to the living room as there was a pilke of toys in the walk way. That is how it was when I went back a month later. He lives with his GF and she allows people to live there. I do not know these people or how these people could effect my kids. So WE decided that he would see the kids here. They need to be stable and comfy. He comes Friday after work and spends the night he then spends all day Saturday here. He spends the night again and then goes to work Sunday morning. Some days he comes back on Sunday and some days not. He also comes one or two days a week.<br><br><br>
Edited to change a word.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,191 Posts
I'm not a single mom, but I am involved in visitation situation... So I figured I'd respond.<br><br>
1. If you plan not to allow your kids in his house based upon how messy it is - please make sure you let other parents here know that they should not be raising their kids if their cat's litterbox needs changing and they have a pile of toys all over the floor.<br><br>
2. If your ex loves the kids - it is immoral imho to control his time with his children. If he loves his kids, you have to trust him with decision on who lives in the house. As he shouldn't control whom you bring into their lives, unfortunately, you shouldn't conrtol his side either.<br><br>
In our case, DSD is here Friday night - Sunday evening. Ocasionally she comes over when she wants to on the weekdays. Other times she stays with her mom couple weekends in a row.<br><br>
Best interest of the child means listening to what child needs. <b>If he is an unfit father who endagers his kids, then yes, follow with your plan of supervised visitations. If you simply don't like his lifestyle - then it is morally wrong and damaging to the kids to keep them away from their father to the extent you are proposing.</b><br><br>
I apologize if I sound harsh, for all I know I wouldn't let your ex take care of my own kids, I'm just offering a perspective and suggest that you listen to your better judgement. Do as you are planning to, but only if there is true need to it. Otherwise - try to see things his way. It is painful not to have your kids around, and have someone controlling your every move around yoru own kids. I'm sure you'd understand if you had to live through it.<br><br>
Good luck with your decisions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oriole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9060168"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm not a single mom, but I am involved in visitation situation... So I figured I'd respond.<br><br>
1. If you plan not to allow your kids in his house based upon how messy it is - please make sure you let other parents here know that they should not be raising their kids if their cat's litterbox needs changing and they have a pile of toys all over the floor.<br><br><br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
Your number 1 has me confused. I have two litter boxes that have to be cleaned but there is not piles of litter with cat poop in it all over the place. I do have piles of toys but they do not block my front door and they do not cause a problem when and if we need to get out due to a fire ect... My kids have asthma and allergies and they do not need to breath in the dust and mold. Also you are right you do not know my ex and I do not trust him to take them there. I have 5 kids that need someone to watch them at all times. He sleeps through anything and she does not get up until 12 in the afternoon so who would be watching my children. That being said I do not stay here the whole time he is here. I go out I go shopping I use that time for me. He has agreed to see the kids here. He has never once complained about seeing the kids here. It is what works for us and our kids. Also I do not keep my kids from their father. He sees them more here then he would there because I do not drive and he would spend more time taking them back and forth. But my kids can see him at anytime. All they have to do is call and he will come.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
152 Posts
We have two kids, they are soon to be 1 and 3 years old. Up till now they have been with their dad two afternoons a week and one whole day in the weekends. We are now starting with visitation friday-sunday for the three year old and saturday-sunday for the one year old every other week. They will continue seeing their dad two afternoons a week.<br><br>
My ex and I have also agreed that he can call us anytime and he can stop by if he want´s to see the kids more often.<br><br>
The three year old is ready for sleeping at her dads. The one year old is not. But there is nothing I can do. But I have to say I really trust my ex and the kids love him. I hope it will be ok.<br><br><br>
And yes, Oriole, I do think you are a litlle harsh with OP. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
701 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oriole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9060168"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
2. If your ex loves the kids - it is immoral imho to control his time with his children. If he loves his kids, you have to trust him with decision on who lives in the house. As he shouldn't control whom you bring into their lives, unfortunately, you shouldn't conrtol his side either.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Um, the OP didn't sound like she was controling his time and I would never be comfortable leaving my babes somewhere where random people are coming in and out of the house..no way! You would like seriously be putting your children at risk and I think the OP is right for protecting her babes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,854 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oriole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9060168"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm not a single mom, but I am involved in visitation situation... So I figured I'd respond.<br><br><b>1. If you plan not to allow your kids in his house based upon how messy it is - please make sure you let other parents here know that they should not be raising their kids if their cat's litterbox needs changing and they have a pile of toys all over the floor.</b><br><br>
2. If your ex loves the kids - it is immoral imho to control his time with his children. If he loves his kids, <b>you have to trust him with decision on who lives in the house.</b> As he shouldn't control whom you bring into their lives, unfortunately, you shouldn't conrtol his side either.<br><br>
In our case, DSD is here Friday night - Sunday evening. Ocasionally she comes over when she wants to on the weekdays. Other times she stays with her mom couple weekends in a row.<br><br>
Best interest of the child means listening to what child needs. <b>If he is an unfit father who endagers his kids, then yes, follow with your plan of supervised visitations. If you simply don't like his lifestyle - then it is morally wrong and damaging to the kids to keep them away from their father to the extent you are proposing.</b><br><br>
I apologize if I sound harsh, for all I know I wouldn't let your ex take care of my own kids, I'm just offering a perspective and suggest <b>that you listen to your better judgement.</b> Do as you are planning to, but only if there is true need to it. Otherwise - try to see things his way. It is painful not to have your kids around, and have someone controlling your every move around yoru own kids. I'm sure you'd understand if you had to live through it.<br><br>
Good luck with your decisions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree Oriole, you were harsh and it sounds like you were taking out some frustration that maybe was directed at someone else.<br><br>
For #1- she didn't say the litter box was dirty she said that cat litter (dirty) was in places other than the litter box.<br><br>
As far as her #2 - she said his girlfriend allows people to live there...I would not want or allow my child around random people who are crashing at their house. Not going to fly with me either.<br><br>
Immoral is not a word that describes anything that the OP is doing...she isn't controlling the fathers time with his children - and obviously he is ok with it so there must be some merit to what the OP is saying. She said that they decided together on this arrangement.<br><br>
It doesn't sound like you have a child who you are sending to stay with your ex. Trust me, if you did you would not think it was unreasonable to expect that there not be dirty kitty litter all over or that there were not random adults around the home that your child is visiting.<br><br>
Really, you should rethink your use if "immoral" to describe anything that the OP is doing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,162 Posts
OP, there are all kinds of visitation agreements, just as there are all kinds of families. It sounds like you and your ex have come to a mutual agreement that works in the best interest of the kids, and that is the best kind of arrangement to have, regardless of the scheduling particulars.<br><br>
FTR, I have residential custody and a pretty standard EOW schedule, with an additional overnight every week. DS likes the time he spends at his dad's, and I appreciate the time it gives me. I also appreciate the fact that I don't have to spend time with my ex <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> .<br><br>
You are clearly not putting any restrictions on your ex or attempting to control him, as a pp suggested. Some mamas here have been appropriately concerned about the physical state of their DC's other parent's home and sought conditions making visitation in the other parent's house conditional on creating a safe environment for the kiddos. Cat poop on the floors, extreme amounts of clutter blocking major traffic areas and exits and random strangers coming and going are appropriate concerns, and children should not be exposed to such an environment, especially with health concerns such as asmatha.<br><br>
Kudos to you and your ex for finding a solution on your own!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
652 Posts
let's see...my visitation situation...hmmm...<br><br>
christmas eve, my family has a huge gathering that culminates in midnight mass. christmas morning, jay picks his kids up at eight. he drops them off later that evening...also at eight.<br><br>
um, that's it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,854 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>loriforeman</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9063388"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">let's see...my visitation situation...hmmm...<br><br>
christmas eve, my family has a huge gathering that culminates in midnight mass. christmas morning, jay picks his kids up at eight. he drops them off later that evening...also at eight.<br><br>
um, that's it.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"> Thats it? He doesn't see them any other time of the year?
 

·
Registered
3
Joined
·
3,771 Posts
My stepdaughter's visitation schedule...<br><br>
Every other weekend, from 6pm on Friday until 6pm on Sunday. Every Wednsday from 3 pm until 7 pm, with every other Wednsday my stepdaughter staying over until 10 am the next morning or until school starts, depending on if school is in session. Every other Holiday. This year, we have her from 10 am on Christmas Eve until 10 am on Christmas morning. This alternates every year- next year, we'll have her from 10 am on Christmas Day until 8 pm Christmas Day. Other holidays, we generally pick her up around 10 am and bring her back by 8 pm. We alternate school vacations- three in a school year, this year we'll get two and her Mother will get one- last year, her Mother got two, we got one. We get her a week in the summer, but if we push it (which we can't because of our jobs), we can get her for two weeks in the summer. Father's Day and my Hubby's birthday, we have her- Mother's Day and her Mother's birthday, her Mother has her. She has her own room at both houses and we keep clothes for her at each individual house, though many situations with the child going back and forth, the Mother sends clothes back and forth. This is a generous visitation schedule- my Hubby got almost as much as a non-custodial parent can get. When my stepdaughter's older, technically, he could push for up to four weeks in the summer, but, again, due to our jobs, I don't think that's likely. Also, in many states (we're in NY), once the child is two years old, unless the custodial parent can prove the noncustodial parent is an unfit parent, the judge will grant overnight visitation. That's all I can think of for now...<br><br>
As for him visiting at your house, just make sure he has good quality time (and alone to parent as well) with your kids. I'm a Stepmother, but I'm speaking to you as a Mother with a child from a previous relationship as well. It sounds like you already have a working agreement with your children's Father and if so, it's all good, but if he feels like you're ont letting him parent as well, he may either withdraw or ask for more and, if you're worried about your children's health and safety or whether or not you can trust him with your children, then maybe it wouldn't be in the children's best interest if you had a visitations schedule like, say, my stepdaughter. I don't know, I don't know the situation, you do, so I can't tell you what to do.<br><br>
Best of luck either way. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
128 Posts
My ex husband has come to see the kids once in the over a year we have been separated. It lasted about an hour most of which was spent smoking outside. We have been in the middle of the divorce battle for the entire 1 year and some odd months so there is no visitation ordered by the judge. He doesn't have/make the time and I hope it stays this way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
927 Posts
Cat litter strewn about; mold; strangers wandering in/out -- no way! You are doing the right thing and it sounds like your X is cooperating and in agreement for the moment. It is ok. We don't all have to do EOW and never the twain shall meet.<br><br>
We are doing something similar for somewhat similar, though not so dire, reasons.<br><br>
For the first 8 weeks of our separation stbx came over M, T, Th. for dinner. T and Th he put the kids to bed. Fri. he came and slept over so the kids could have their favorite Sat. am with him.<br><br>
Week 5, 6, and 7 we made one of the week nights an overnight at Dad's and one other weeknight dinner at dads.<br><br>
Now, with school, we are entering what we call phase II. Dropping Mon night dinner here, Dad will still come on T and Th for dinner and to put kids to bed here. Fri. night they will have an overnight at Dad's. Every third weekend they will have Fri and Sat. overnight with Dad.<br><br>
My stbx has hoarding issues and his apt. is already unlivable and unsafe (the kids describe climbing over things to get around); he has lived there 4 months and still doesn't own a vacuum cleaner (wall to wall carpeted). Soooo, it is alot better than what OP describes, but still not a place I want the girls to spend too much time.<br><br>
I tell friends there is not much I can do -- so far the girls are happy and not dead (crushed by falling bookcase, for example; they are tottering at right angles to the wall in one instance). My friends are shocked I have to let them take those kind of risks with my children's safety.<br><br>
Ah well.<br><br>
So, OP -- your plan sounds fine for now.<br><br>
M
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,047 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oriole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9060168"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm not a single mom, but I am involved in visitation situation... So I figured I'd respond.<br><br>
1. If you plan not to allow your kids in his house based upon how messy it is - please make sure you let other parents here know that they should not be raising their kids if their cat's litterbox needs changing and they have a pile of toys all over the floor.<br><br>
2. If your ex loves the kids - it is immoral imho to control his time with his children. If he loves his kids, you have to trust him with decision on who lives in the house. As he shouldn't control whom you bring into their lives, unfortunately, you shouldn't conrtol his side either.<br><br>
In our case, DSD is here Friday night - Sunday evening. Ocasionally she comes over when she wants to on the weekdays. Other times she stays with her mom couple weekends in a row.<br><br>
Best interest of the child means listening to what child needs. <b>If he is an unfit father who endagers his kids, then yes, follow with your plan of supervised visitations. If you simply don't like his lifestyle - then it is morally wrong and damaging to the kids to keep them away from their father to the extent you are proposing.</b><br><br>
I apologize if I sound harsh, for all I know I wouldn't let your ex take care of my own kids, I'm just offering a perspective and suggest that you listen to your better judgement. Do as you are planning to, but only if there is true need to it. Otherwise - try to see things his way. It is painful not to have your kids around, and have someone controlling your every move around yoru own kids. I'm sure you'd understand if you had to live through it.<br><br>
Good luck with your decisions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Wow. Totally out of line.<br><br>
Ex comes once a month (sometimes two). He plays with ds while I read/cook/shower. For the most part, I leave them alone. Unless ds needs to be fed, diapered, soothed, bathed. So what does my ex do? He holds ds while ds sleeps.<br><br>
I think you were right on target about not letting kids go to his house. Just leave them alone, take a nap or go out so he can parent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
652 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cycle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9063584"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"> Thats it? He doesn't see them any other time of the year?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
nope, that's it.<br><br>
we split six years ago...this will be the seventh christmas. he's only had them one other weekend in that time.<br><br>
he has legal visitation, every other weekend with three two-week periods in the summer, but he always declines.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,592 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ButtercupKara</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9060086"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am wondering how different everyone's visit's with our ex's are?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
DS does not have any set visitation with his dad. He did (at that time it was 3 days a week for 3 hours a visit- his dad refused to do any longer and most of the time it didn't even last the 3 hours) but then his dad just stopped showing up. That was almost 2 years ago. He has seen him twice this year for less than 10 minutes total (total between the 2 visits). DS and I have since moved out of the state (approved by the court, which ex decided to skip). There is absolutely nothing in the court order about visitation so... I guess I don't really have to bring ds back or let his dad see him at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> I did tell the Judge (and ex) I would bring Owen back every 8 weeks for a weekend (in reality it turns out to be every 6-8 weeks). The first visit since we moved will be in 2 weeks. We will wait and see whether ex sees DS (supervised by me) that weekend. He hasn't seen him since April.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,690 Posts
yeah, visitation is so different for everyone. legally my ex has "generous and reasonable access" - something like that. for him, it really means, when i feel like it which is pretty much never. the last time he saw them was july long week-end when he took the kids camping to a friends place - turned out his friends needed a freaking babysitter and he and his friends dumped them on my daughter to golf and party - and she didn't even get paid <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
he sees them when he wants to act like a "good" dad around other people and that's pretty much it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,405 Posts
For now, the boys go to XDH's every morning when they wake up (between 6 & 7) for a couple of hours until he needs to go to work. This is the same time they've always spent with him for most of their lives. They also go over at least one day a weekend and just had their first overnight this weekend. We're still working out the specifics of overnights and weekends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,420 Posts
We have been seperated since April and Jeremy has been here since June. His "visitation" is watching the kids W-F from 7am-5pm while I work. I have tld him he can see themwhenever he wants but the time I work seems to be enough for him. HTH and as a side note - stbx comes to my apartment to watch our kids becasue he lives with his mom in a smoke-fille dhouse (they both smoke) and both of our kids have allergies too. We both agreed this was not only more stable but also a better environment becasue the kids are comfortable and have all of their things here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Stephanie, I am glad to hear that you have similar reasons to have your ex come to your house to spend time with the kids while you are working. We all seem to have what works for us and our children for right now.
 
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Top