[ayme371]

I have a 19 month old ds and am concened about the visitation schedule he has with his dad. Ds is with his dad every other weekend
friday 5-8
sat 10-8
sun 10-7
he also sees ds during the week
on week Wed 5-8
off week Tues and Thurs 5-8

He does not keep him overnight yet as ds nurses to sleep and thru the night and I hope he continues to be agreeable to this.

I am wondering if this seems like a reasonable schedule. The weekend visits are ok but during the week it is becomming a bit much for him. Talking to other mom and they all seem to think that it is too much for such a young child and it is starting to take its toll on ds. (clingy and overtired) I do not want to keep ex from his son and I feel they should have a strong relationship but not at the cost of ds's stability. I just want to get some other opinions and am curious what type of visitation schedules you have.

I think this schedule isan ok schedule for an older child butmaybe not a 19 month old. I wish I could just talk to the ex about it and offer to just have him come over and spend some time with ds during the week without dragging him all over the place. But the ex is very unpredictable. I never know what type of mood he is going to be in and I don't want to expose ds or myself to the negativity. There are also some other issues going on with the ex, can't really get into it though, that worry me, nothing safety related, just some concerns.

I think that's it. Sorry for the lengthy post but I'm concerned about my ds and am new to this whole single mama thing.

 

[MsChatsAlot]

I think every child and every visitation schedule is different.

If you are noticing changes in your child that you think are related to all the back and forth, I would suggest documenting it all (behavior changes, regressing in things like potty training etc.) Make sure you document both positive and negative things so it is more objective and doesn't look like you are trying to build a case against him.

When I approach my ex, I try to keep it factual based, child-focused and open. I work to make it sound like I am on my ex's side and that we are a team trying to figure out what is best for our child.....instead of sounding like the know-it-all ex who wants to tell him what to do. Things like, "I'm concerned about ____ and wanted to see what you think about it."

It is more difficult to argue with facts and for most people who really want to be parents if they see something is negatively effecting their child, they will think about it and come up with some ideas to change it.

 

[ayme371]

thanks for the positive spin, I'll give it a try. I do keep a journal at the advice of several friends. I would feel better about discussing it with the ex if he were more stable, it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking about how to talk to him about. I definately have to check the water before I can start any conversation with him.

 

[Junitune]

Amy,

Are you recently divorced? If ds knows your ex well and is used to seeing him, I don't think the schedule is bad. It could be a lot worse. I would fear if you complained about this schedule and said the transitions were hard on ds a judge might order full weekends (believe me, it is done all the time. In my state (Michigan) after a child is 12 months old they are put on the regular visitation of every other weekend).

Do you think the drop off time is too late for ds to settle down at night? If that is the case could you negotiate an earlier pickup/drop off? Or do your schedules prohibit that? Does ex live close by?

My dd had trouble adjusting to the visitations also but with time she did adjust and she shows no permanent signs of trauma from them. In fact she seems very independent. She went through a clingy stage which is typical with a nursing child who is away from their source of comfort/nourishment, but as he learns that he returns to you every night he will probably adjust just fine.

The courts frown on trying to control the visitation - as wrong as I know that is. I'm just speaking from experience that if you can make the best of how it is going and help your ds adjust to the schedule it will be better in the long run. Who knows, ex will probably get sick of doing the pickup four times a week and start slacking off after a while if you leave it alone (and act like you actually enjoy the 'time off' - that kills them!)

 

[pranamama]

I would try to be cautious in not starting something either. Is there some way to move the 8 closer to 7 without upsetting him. I had to send my kids overnights til they ordered supervised visitation and that was really stressful on the youngest. She had not ever been away from me overnight. It will probably be back to overnights sooner or later for my children.

 

[Mommay]

I do think that the schedule is too much for a 19 month old. Even the weekends. But perhaps yours can deal with separation better than my ds. But is that right 10-8? 10 hours? Ds can't go 4 hours tops without wanting to nurse and he's 27 months old (but he's kind of a mama's boy

). As for the weekdays, I could see it being a bit much.

If I had to give that many hours to my stbxh, I might hang out with them at least part of the time so that I can be with ds too. But I can say that because stbx and I have been getting along lately. Keep us posted.

 

[ayme371]

Hi, sorry it took so long to get back, had a busy weekend.

Ds was with his dad this weekend and despite a very rocky start it went very well. When the ex and I are getting along we I do try and spend as much time as possible with them on the exes weekends. This weekend I had to be away from ds very little

. I really apprecaite that the ex will allow me to be a part of his weekends at times. He has a 9yr old ds from a previous relationship that I am very close to and I really miss him too and this gives me a chance to spend some time with him.

Ds does bf every 4 hrs or so when he is with me but is used to not nursing for up to 8 hrs during the day (I have to work) but never goes that long at night, I've never been away from him at night. The ex and I were never married. We were friende for years and then began a relationship. That is what makes part of this so difficult. I have lost a once dear friend as well as having a family for my son. Honestly though I had to get out of the relationship for myself and my son. Hopefully, the ex will get some help soon and his moods will be more stable and predictable and our communication will improve.
I will try and talk to him about making the evening visits a little shorter, I feel this will make it easier on ds. Wish me luck.

Thanks for all the advice and sorry if this reads a little jumbled but thats how I'm feeling this morning.

 

[Marsupialmom]

If he is 19months it could also be simply his age. This could be part of the normal age/phase for him.

What time does he get up? I could see needing to move the 8 to closer to 7 because of sleep. Address that honestly with your ex. The lack of sleep could be causing him problems also.