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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My Girls are ,just turned, 4 and 2 (sisters). I could gush but I will stick to my issue, lol . I also have these same ages at home, amongst others. These girls were barely (as in days) in the system when we accepted their referal. So far I have remained just this woman who sends boxes of gifts...sort of like a cool aunt. I figured that this process is so crazy that I don't want to trouble the girls with "Hey, Hi I am your new mom".... I just feel weird doing that....don't get me wrong I would love for them to know me as that but ultimatly I just want *peace* for them. I want them to be able to just relax at the foster moms house and just chill...not worrying that "some lady who sends boxes" is coming to take them away yet again. I realize that although this is my desire...it isn't really in their list of fun things to do.<sigh>. So I send my boxes and sign them Mama-Tricia.<br>
I just want to protect them... and if that means that I stay in the shadows until we are closer to the end then I need to just bare it...at least that is the way I see it. But I really want to visit... and my husband is ready to go whenever...and I have been the one saying that I don't want to disrupt their lives. I look at my kids at home and think about how something like this would turn their world upside down... and how some one dropping in and taking them to a hotel...seems terrifing, right?<br>
1.) Do you think my current logic of how I present "Who I am" is appropriate? Or do you think I am just over thinking it? Or are the foster moms really preparing the kids about being adopted?<br>
2.)How do I visit? When do I visit? What do I do when I visit them? (I am not looking for flight plans or hotels to stay in... more like the interaction between us and the girls) I just don't want to muss up their life any more then has already been done. But on the other hand... I don't know if just the pick up trip with no visit is right either? UGH!<br><br>
Give me your opinions on the subject.<br>
Tricia
 

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Does your SW have an opinion on the matter? I would think his/her opinion might be the most educated one, and the one least touched by mama-lion emotions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
You seem very, very sensitive to their needs--which is great. I would think visiting would be fine (better than fine, actually)...it's not as if, once you land in Guatemala, your sensitivity to their needs is going to evaporate. I'm sure you'll be a very careful, very loving mama visitor. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Our daugher will be in foster care for about six months before she comes to the US. If I could, I would fly over and visit in a heartbeat. I think it would be good for her (to see her our faces, to hear our voices, to have some level of comfort with us before "gotcha" day), and I think it would be great to experience her culture as much as possilbe, and I think it would be great to get photos of her, video with her, video with her foster family... anything that helps her feel a connection to her country and to the time she spent in hir birth country. For me, it seems like all good.<br><br>
For the potential bads, though, I think a SW would give you an honest opinion. Other mamas might have some good thoughts, too, of course! I hope you get lots of replies!<br><br>
Btw, I spent a month living in Guatemala (in Xela) and several months living just across the border in Chiapas. Your daughters are coming from an exceptionally lovely country (!)
 

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One more thing...<br><br>
We just bought these for my youngest son's room, and they're *so* lovely-- well made, beautiful, and sunny as can be. I love them, too, because in this set "Q" is for Quetzal...the national bird of Guatemala! They're large cards...we put them up in his room like a wallpaper border.<br><br><a href="http://www.landofnod.com/family.aspx?c=5030&f=680&q=1201341&fromLocation=Search&DIMID=400001&SearchPage=1" target="_blank">http://www.landofnod.com/family.aspx...1&SearchPage=1</a>
 

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My daughter from Guatemala was a lot younger when we adopted her (5.5 months) so our situation is different. However, unlike a lot of folks, I was really glad that we didn't go visit. This is sort of a minority opinion among Guatemalan adopters, most of whom, it seems, go to visit their kids while they are in foster care. The reason I'm glad is that our daughter had a really rough transition to us - she was really bonded to her foster mom - and if we had gone to visit for a few days, she would have had to go through that loss and upheaval twice. (Generally, they drop the kid off at the hotel for you for whatever period of time you are visiting.)<br><br>
So, I guess that would be the first issue to clear up: are your daughters in foster care in Guatemala City or Antigua or somewhere where you could visit them AT the foster home, rather than having them dropped off with you for a while and then taken back? I really wouldn't, at their ages, remove them temporarily from their caregivers and then give them back.<br><br>
Secondly, it's a little unclear from your post, but I really think if you are far enough along in the adoption that it's a pretty sure deal, they need to know the plan, and that you are going to be their forever mommy. I would second the suggestion to talk with your social worker and also read some stuff about adopting older children and how to do that transition well. We did take quite a few extra days on the pick-up trip so that she could adjust to us in the country before we dashed off to a completely different environment. I would really recommend this if possible. Also, I would try to master some basic Spanish if you don't already have those language skills. I have heard that this can really ease the transition for children who already speak.<br><br><br>
Best wishes - I hope it the process goes quickly for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the things to think about.<br>
How do I get the idea of me being their mom across to a 4 and 2 year old? Like I said, I am signing everything "Mama-Tricia".... but what is that to a 4yr old, ya know? I feel decently confident of parenting them once they get here... if nothing more they will have the example of my other kids. However, this grey area, where I am just a visitor in their barely solid world... really throws me.<br>
Thanks,<br>
Tricia
 

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My DD was an infant when she came home so I don't have any personal experience.<br><br>
I did think this article was wonderfully written and a great perspective , although somewhat of a tear jerker, in regards to the reaction a child may have when coming home to thier for family.<br><br><a href="http://www.emkpress.com/perspective.html" target="_blank">http://www.emkpress.com/perspective.html</a><br><br>
Maggie
 

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When we went on our pick up trip there was a woman with our agency visiting her soon to be 4 year old daughter. I think the agency recommended she visit so she had a few days to see the little girl and for them to become azquainted. I know she visited after she was out of PGN because she wanted it to be a short wait ffrom visit time to pick up. Before hand she had sent down a photo album for the little girl with descriptions in spanish so the fostermom could tell her about her new home. I think she spent two days visitng with the little girl but at night she would return to the fostermom, and the two nights she felt ok staying at the hotel. The woman I talked with said the fostermom had been telling her for a while that she would get to see her new mommy and then later they would all get on a big plane and go home. So maybe your fostermom is doing the same. Have you talked with your agency about your concerns? Maybe they would have some better ideas. Where are you staying at? We stayed at the Clarion. I've heard the Marriott is full with lots of couples adopting, we actually preferred not so many people. I think the Grand Tikal has a mall attached to it as well. And the Westin is supose to be nice as well. Have fun!!!
 

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can't the agency tell you what the foster mom is telling them? i have heard of int'lly adopted kids told everything from i'm your mommy to i am holding you for x who will be your mommy.
 

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personally i think the boxes are GREAT<br><br>
what is the foster mom telling them when they get them -- how is she putting it to them? the older girl is 4, so she has to ask something, and being told soemthing -- not jsut about the boxes about about "going home" or "a new mommy" or whatever.......<br><br>
If they -- or the older one at least -- are bing told about "moving" or "going home" or whatever --- I would askt he SW but I would start sending photos -- of the house, the yard, the local park, the rooms in the house.<br><br>
I would go visit. if you are far enough along int he adoption they are allowing you to send the girls boxes, I would go visit.<br><br>
It is good that they are secure in the foster home -- but 1. i am sure they have questiuons, and are being told SOMETHING and 2. while i can understand not wanting to disrupt their lives, maybe a slow transiton to you (visit, photos, talking about going to live in your house) woud be eaiser thana surprise "hi we are here and in three days you go with us" or "hi we are here and you go with us now"....... KWIM????? give them time to ajust, and also make some of the NEW stuff less new as there will be sooooo much NEW all at once.<br><br>
JMO -- I have NOT BTDT.........<br><br>
AImee
 
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