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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Since my miscarriage I feel really raw. It seems like every time I go out someone hurts my feelings, I am overly sensitive. I feel like I'm reaching out to EVERYONE trying to see if theres anyone nice left in the world, and haven't felt it reciprocated yet.<br><br>
I smile and talk politely with people and they seem cold or give me a fake smile. It seems like the whole world has turned upside down <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: Im so depressed and I just want to move on but everyone makes it so hard by being so rude and grumpy.<br><br>
So I tried gardening. I planted some veggies and such but they don't keep me busy enough. Tried sewing. I tried staying in all the time. Nothing seems to be working, nothing can bring me out of this haze. If I do have a good day (generally by staying home and watching movies or something, not involving the unpredictability of other people), it's short lived as soon as I go out. Is it just me, or in the past few weeks, has everyone suddenly stopped being civilized? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
I went to get my hair cut since I needed an ego boost and I thought the best way to do that would be to radically change my hair. In the middle of my cut, out of NOWHERE, my stylist asked me if I was going to have a baby. WTF? I had no idea where that came from, I don't look pregnant, didn't have my wedding ring on, and hadn't mentioned babies. My body has recovered from the miscarriage and I don't even have big boobs or glowy skin or anything. I just said "someday" and she didn't say anything more.<br><br>
I know I'm being very sensitive but it seems like I should be ABLE to be very sensitive once in a while without feeling the world is ending. When it rains it pours and we have had very bad financial luck lately so I can't adopt any expensive hobbies or anything, we're living in a new part of the country so I have no old close friends nearby, what gets you by on the days where you just can't take the prospect of getting your feelings hurt?
 

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You are totally allowed to be every bit as sensitive as you need to be. Lots of people pretty much suck, so they say all sorts of completely inappropriate things - but they don't mean to be so mean or insensitive.<br><br>
To get by, I've eaten a lot of ice cream. Embarrassing volumes of it. I figure whatever gets me through... and it's just a temporary thing. It's also helped to have just a few friends who are a good support (can you call your friends who aren't local?) plus commiserating here. It's always good to know there are other people going through similar experiences. It helps to make this experience not so lonely.
 

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What you've articulated, feeling raw, really nails what I've been feeling. I just hadn't thought about it that way. My experience has had more medical poking and prodding than I ever wanted -- ultrasounds, endless blood tests, pelvic exams, a catheter (really stupid, long story <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh">). I've been increasingly a drama queen about it all, and every time the medical professional in question gets all, "are you okay??" And the thing is, I can totally handle this stuff, as much as I hate it, but anymore I don't see why I SHOULD handle it. I don't see why I should have to act strong and say, yeah, I'm okay, just to make them feel like they aren't humiliating me and violating my privacy. And then, they resort to their distraction technique, asking me "Where are you from? How long have you lived here?" Which, although I know they mean well, strikes me as rude. I don't really feel like chit chatting while somebody has their fingers in my vagina.<br><br>
Oh, and then, when I was checking in at the hospital for yet ANOTHER blood test, the desk girl was new, and she couldn't figure out my doctor's diagnosis to put in the computer. My doctor had written "irregular menses" and she didn't know what that meant. I played dumb, hoping she'd skip it and just put the diagnostic code, because I didn't feel like explaining it. She kept pressing: What's your diagnosis? What's your diagnosis? "I had a miscarriage," I said. She was less lame after that, and apologized for taking so long. Anyway, that moment really sucked.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">. I feel raw, too.
 

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I couldn't not post. Much love to you.<br><br>
Your body just birthed a baby and your breasts, arms and heart have no baby to nurture. Beside the grief in your mind, your physical/hormonal body is experiencing a loss. Your mind and body were geared up for the full 9 months and the next 18+ years. It all stopped much too short of that.<br><br>
In a few months your body WILL get back in balance and I pray that your dark cloud of sensitivity is partially hormonally related and that it will lift at that time. You will always feel grief over this, but you will turn back into a normal human.
 

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When I went in for my d&c with my first m/c, one of the nurses asked if I was pregnant . . .<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"> and told me that I would need to give them a urine sample for testing. Mind you, my betas were still rising, well over 26,000 at that point!!!! ACK!!!!!!<br><br>
After a fresh round of sobbing I told her that was the point of our visit to the surgical unit and could she please just *read* the chart??!!!! There was only ONE page to my chart!<br><br><br>
Anyway, I am so sorry you are feeling so raw. It does get better . . . eventually. Do you have any friends you could reach out to IRL? If not, just hang out here for a bit. This board and the mamas here have really been a lifeline to me at times. During the deepest, darkest moments for me.<br><br>
Take care.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks ladies.<br>
No, I dont really have many friends I can reach out to IRL. I do have one, but she has a baby and is TTC as much as I love both of them, its hurts to be around them very much and I'm scared of getting too close right now in case she gets pregnant again before I do. I offered to fly my girlfriend from home back out here when I have the money, but I dont think she will be much help either because her baby was an "oops" sort of a thing (if only...) and she just doesn't get it. I grew up with her and seeing her lovely baby just kills me. She is very conventional and I don't think she will be much help at all, she might even be one of those "Oh you dont want kids" kind of a person I'm not sure. She hasn't even called since I miscarried.<br><br>
I dont want to find support groups either because normally I do pretty well, I just want to get on with my life and I wish other people would make it easier. It seems like everyone is mean right now LOL and I just feel lost. I just want to stay in bed.<br><br>
Ive had a lot of ice cream too, the current flavor is spumoni.
 
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