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Left my everyway-but-physically abusive husband last week. I'm fighting my brain, still hearing the "you're not good enoughs" and constantly second guessing myself.<br><br>
Any tips?<br><br>
My theripist suggested using index cards. On one side, in small black print, writing the negative things I was hearing or thinking about myself. On the other, in bigger, colorful print, writing what I know to be true but may have a hard time believing right now.
 

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What worked for me was surrounding myself with people who valued me, who knew and loved me before I got ensnared in my abusive relationship, and who continued to love me and support me and help me get out of it.<br>
Abusers do everything they can to crush your sense of self and your sense of self-worth. I don't know if they do it deliberately, but that's what happens. My abuser wanted me to believe that I was a slut -- we actually had one fight that went on for six hours until I agreed to say, out loud, "I'm a whore." I just cringe at that memory, and the fact that I gave in. He also wanted me to believe that I was stubborn (because for a long time I refused to accept his warped view), selfish (because I wouldn't let him abuse me) and he was working on convincing me that I was crazy.<br>
Just know that undermining the victim's self worth is on the top ten list of every abuser. It's one of those "so textbook it's sickening" kind of tactics. You can know that all those things aren't true, because it's just the kind of thing that abusive guys say.<br>
I'm so glad that you made a break from it. I've said it before, but I'm really impressed by how clear-headed and open-eyed you seem to be. How have things been? Is your ex going into hoover mode trying to get you back? Some of them really have a knack for saying exactly what you want to hear when they realize that you're serious about leaving, but it's just a facade. Abusive guys just don't change.
 

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It takes a bit of time and lots of hard work to recover and create new "self-talk tapes" in our minds after leaving an abuser. When I find myself having a negative thought or stream of thoughts, I just stop myself, let it go, and replace it with a happier thought. It doesn't have to be the opposite of the negative thought, but it can be. I like the index card idea. You might also write a love letter to yourself. Tell yourself all of the wonderful good things that you love about yourself, and you can even apologize for allowing anyone to ever make you believe anything different. It's not your fault, but maybe there is a part of you that needs to feel forgiven anyway.<br><br>
Keep working with your counselor too.
 

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I am doing the same thing right now! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
For me, I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me! And believe me, once people started finding out what STBX did to me, I had a ton of people telling me good things about myself- some I printed out or wrote down. It might sound silly, but that WORKS! I concentrate on the good I put out in to the world. I repeat 100 times a day that there is nothing wrong with me, I am worthy of love.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Something my counselor suggested to me that seemed to help was getting involved in things that you love again, that you likely gave up because of the abuse etc...<br><br>
Finding my self worth through things that I used to be good at but gave up through depression, or because STBX put it down has been empowering.<br><br>
I do a lot of reading too... it helps give me clarity which leads to me really beleiving I wasn't crazy!<br><br>
I saw this book listed in the resources section of Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?"<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FIts-My-Life-Now-Relationship%2Fdp%2F0415923581" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Its-My-Life-No.../dp/0415923581</a> ~ "It's My Life Now ~ Starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence" I looked through it this morning and it looks really good and it has a section in it about taking stock of yourself and working through your emotions and gaining self esteem.<br><br>
You are strong and worthy of love. You did the hardest thing ever by leaving, GOOD FOR YOU!!! Now it's time to reclaim your life and yourself. You are amazing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15416441"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">How have things been? Is your ex going into hoover mode trying to get you back? Some of them really have a knack for saying exactly what you want to hear when they realize that you're serious about leaving, but it's just a facade. Abusive guys just don't change.</div>
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Better every day! He's not trying to win me back, stringing me a long w/ when he wants the kids. Mostly just stupid divorce stuff that I'd imagine is par for the course. I'm filing (hopefully) this week. Was going to go w/ a cheaper lawyer and do an uncontested, but I think it is wiser to pay a higher fee and retain a lawyer in case he amps up his tactics. He told me everything I wanted to hear about how we would deal w/ dc and child support. Two days later, I dropped dc off at our old house (he stayed) and went inside to grab the tahini from the fridge. Somehow I left the only 8 x 10 family pic. He had cut he and I out of it and hung it on the fridge. Just a gentle reminder that he is full of bs. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
I read your post a few nights ago but dc are adjusting and are so clingy it is hard for me to do anything, even type. I was struck by your story. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you're out of that and onto better things.
 
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