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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We have several disagreements about parenting.<br><br>
Me: Would like to be TV-free, get rid of ALL plastic toys and have only wooden, let DS have dolls, GD<br><br>
DH: can't live without TV or video games, says that DS needs the plastic toys because 95% of "good" toys are made of it, dolls are for girls and does not GD<br><br>
He would rather use blame and shame to make DS feel bad. He also likes to use the because I'm the boss so you have to listen to me card. When I talk to him about it he says it's because he's tired or he hurts (he has chronic pain issues). It simply isn't good enough for me. There is no reason for him to make my DS feel like crap. Not acceptable at all. He has issues with his dad about the way he was raised and is always saying that he doesn't want DS to feel like that. Yet, I see it. He is a good dad besides this point. Sometimes I think that I should just leave and raise DS all by myself.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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I guess, if you're looking for a compromise???<br><br>
So maybe you could do TV on your terms?? Like picking the amount and the things that ds can watch? There are a lot of shows, movies and video games that have ratings so you could look to that to narrow the options... maybe your dh would agree to that kind of situation.<br><br>
As for the GD issues... Look in the GD forum because there are often differences of opinions between parents on this. But shaming and guilt are not good ideas no matter if you're GD or not.<br><br>
The dolls... well there are some "manly" dolls like bob the builder and other character types. I know that's maybe not what you're getting at... but maybe that's the compromise... and of course that's not to say he wouldn't play with them at his friends' house.<br><br>
Plastic toys... perhaps what your dh means is that HE likes the plastic toys and the things that they do (some of them are pretty neat). Since he doesn't share your conviction about the down side to plastic... could you do a 50/50 kind of thing... like for every plastic toy that is bought a wooden one is too?<br><br>
Look, I agree with you... it's how I do things. But I don't think you can change your dh's point of view. In my opinion, by giving in just a little then perhaps it would be on terms you are ok with... rather than having it be all or nothing... kwim? Consider that raising a child with two parents is often cited as being more beneficial to a child than splitting up; the exception would be in cases of violence, abuse and high conflict. Maybe there's more to the story than you added. I know it can feel frustrating when dp has differences... one of my battle is over cloth diapers vs. disposables.<br><br>
Good luck finding a resolution on these things (......or maybe you could agree to have plastic toys in exchange for no TV? just brainstorming here.)
 

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I'm right there with you. Sometimes I feel like DH and I are in two different dimensions. All I can do is offer lots of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">. Feel free to tell DH that I have a chronic pain condition ( fibro/CFS) and I implement GD just fine. It isn't about pain, it's about patience and respect.<br><br>
Namaste,<br><br>
Michelle
 

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My .02 :<br><br>
I wouldn't wreck my marriage over things like plastic toys and watching television. Those things can be compromised. The GD thing is a more serious issue, however. I think it would be very worth your time to get some resources for your DH about GD and get him on the same page with that. Your son deserves it!
 

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That's hard, really hard. It sounds like maybe you should request that you and DH have some kind of weekly "meetings" to discuss these things, in as calm & collaborative a way as possible. Maybe you could make a list of your concerns/issues and then you and DH can try to come to some agreements? My Dh and I do this over big issues (financial for us...). It really helps to put some things down on paper, and you can both brainstorm together. Also, later you can check back in the notebook and see how things are going.<br><br>
Some ideas... if your DH wants to be able to watch TV/play video games, but you'd rather that DS didn't watch much, move the TV to a room other than the livingroom or family room (maybe you already to this). Move it to your bedroom behind a closet. Maybe DH could play only when DS goes to bed, or something like that?<br><br>
As far as the toys go, who buys them? Do you buy most of them? Gifts? I think on this one you'd just have to not buy any plastic toys yourself, and maybe request wooden ones from gift givers. If DH wants to buy a plastic toy, there isn't much to be done about it, and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> whatever, yk? You could also do a major toy cleanup and donate lots of your plastic ones you already have. DH probably wouldn't even notice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Dolls for girls? Bah. Buy DS some dolls (some boy dolls and girl dolls) and tell DH to get over that one. I mean *really*!<br><br>
The GD one would be my big issue. If he's not treating your DS with respect, that's a major deal. Maybe you could discuss this as being your main concern and try to educate him. Will he read books with you? Go to a lecture with you?<br><br>
GL, it sounds hard. If it starts to get really bad I'd insist on counseling.
 

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pick your battles! marriage and relationships are all about compromise, so pick what is most important to you and work on that. i would think the gd thing and getting him to stop blame and shaming your ds is the big thing here, plastic toys and tv arent going to permenantly harm your kiddo but what your dh says to him will affect how he feels about himself forever <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well, we had a long talk last night about this stuff.<br><br>
We agreed that any plastic toy that was purchased would be educational in some way but if a wooden one could be found we would get that instead.<br><br>
DS is now limited to 1 DVD during the time I make dinner. DS said that he would play his video games at night when DS was in bed.<br><br>
DH agreed that DS could have dolls as long as they weren't annoying in any way. I explained to him that girls play with boy toys all the time so what is the big deal. He agreed with me.<br><br>
He said that he would try GD. At least that is a start.
 

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Glad to hear that things went well!<br>
We have video game/TV compromise. My husband and I both want (or maybe want to want) to be TV and videogame free, but growing up in the 80s has made that a little difficult for us. I love the TV and he loves the games. The compromise is to not have a regular television set. I have a tiny handheld one with no cable and he has a small screen that attaches to his game cube. When we are done, we put our machines away so our home isn't tech-centered. Movies our watched on our laptops, which are also pretty discreet. Our baby will not be watching TV or playing games until he is old enough to understand the self-control needed to enjoy these things responsibly.
 

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*edited*<br><br>
D'oh I wrote a post echoing what MamaPoot said but then I saw the OP's last post.<br><br>
That's great that you and your dh were able to talk about those things and reach a compromise.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 
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