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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So we bought our first house and everything has been going completely downhill it feels to me. I sahm, so we are only on one income. I'll be honest, we bought the house dh wanted the most, eventhough it was at the highest of our loan amount and needed more work than most the houses we looked at. But he wanted it. It needed appliances, and dh wanted new furniture, and so we charged a lot of it. Which I hated. Well last night, dh found out one of the cc cards was nearly maxed out, and intially he was blaming it on me, because he told me to put everything on the cards for the past month, ie food, items for the house, etc. I was so angry. He wanted to buy a new tv, new bed set, new couch, etc, and I was getting yelled at for buying 30$ curtains and ds new outfits, that dh said I needed to buy cause ds's didn't look nice enough. i am frugal, shopped for bargains for most the stuff i bought, but I get accused of spending. Which I did spend some, and the small stuff adds up, but jeeze, I just felt like a kid getting scolded or something. We were suppose to go to visit his parents in Jan and now we may not be able to afford it, or may have to go in feb and I feel like he is blaming me, but the truth is, I would have been fine without the new tv, furniture, etc. and he knew that. So now he said I cannot spend any money w/o him approving it first, which I guess irks me because I feel like he doesn't trust me and is accusing me of being frivolous with spending. Now I will probably have to go work because of this, and I am afraid I won't be able to get a job that pays well enough and I will mainly be paying for ds to be in daycare.<br><br>
Sorry this is long, I just needed to get this off my mind.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Money worries are never fun, hang in there...
 

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It sounds like you guys are not 50/50 in the relationship and he is having a power struggle.<br><br><br><br>
The only thing I can say is you have to step up for YOURSELF. If you take it all "lying down" you will assume the "child" role.<br><br><br><br>
It will only get worse if he has all the power, uses no comon sense, blames you, does not accept responsibility and keeps on spending. You will go down TOGETHER.<br><br><br><br>
Sometimes you have to fix the "imbalance of power" or other personal and/or relationship problems to make any headway. Money/spending "issues" (not a lack of money or being poor) are usually rooted in something else.<br><br><br><br>
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
 

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Take those cc's bills & itemize what YOU spent & what DH spent then sit him down & show him. Tell him if he really has a problem with YOUR spending he needs to look at his own & perhaps his new tv, furniture, etc should be taken back to the store.
 

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Holy smokes. You have a marriage issue.<br><br>
This is a big one. Money is the number one reason couples fight. So, now is the time to get this cleared up. Put the baby to bed early and sit down for a long, long talk with your dh.<br><br>
What is your current budget?<br>
What is your current debt load?<br>
Where is money being spent and what can be cut back?<br><br>
Make a list of all of your debts, smallest debt to biggest and start mapping out how and when these can get paid off.<br><br>
Long story short -- you are living well beyond your means. Why? What is up with all of his spending? He is trying to fulfill a fantasy? I know a lot of husbands have this idea that they need to provide a lavish lifestyle to feel successful. Put that one to rest. Let your dh know that you love and appreciate his hard work, but TVs and bedroom sets, etc are not the way to win a woman over.<br><br>
Dave Ramsey is an excellent resource for the overspent couple. He has a great chapter devoted to husbands. It helped my dh to read this. Dave Ramsey spells it out for men -- women/wives/mothers do not want fancy gadgets and cars -- we want financial security. We want rested husbands who are calm and clear in their thinking. We want to know that there are savings in the bank, food on the table and enough cash to live a comfortable life without stressing over credit card payments.<br><br>
I feel for you and my heart is with you and your family.
 

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iaw what the pps said. Here are versions of a free form that you can use to itemize yours and his spending.<br><br><div style="text-align:left;"><a href="http://www.livingonadime.com/media/monthly-budget.xls" target="_blank"><span style="color:#0000FF;">Monthly Budget Excel File</span></a> (performs calculations if you use Excel or Appleworks.)<br><a href="http://www.livingonadime.com/media/monthly-budget.doc" target="_blank"><span style="color:#0000FF;">Monthly Budget - Word Document</span></a> (You can enter Data into fields, but must do the calculations yourself)<br><a href="http://www.livingonadime.com/media/monthly-budget.pdf" target="_blank"><span style="color:#0000FF;">Monthly Budget - PDF File</span></a> (A Form you can print to help you budget manually)<br><br><a href="http://www.livingonadime.com/articles/budget-forms.html" target="_blank">http://www.livingonadime.com/articles/budget-forms.html</a></div>
 

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It sounds like he's angry and frustrated about the situation and is taking it out on you. I'd agree with PPs and suggest you get out all the bills, and especially the recent CC statements, and set a time to go over them with him. Get a sitter to play with the kids if you need to or do it after bedtime so you can have uninterrupted conversation.<br><br>
Also, you might want to suggest that you both read some money management books. Dave Ramsey, David Bach and Suze Orman are popular and they've got a lot of good information. Since they're so popular, it's easy to find used copies and libraries have them.<br><br>
good luck!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CarrieMF</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9900483"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Take those cc's bills & itemize what YOU spent & what DH spent then sit him down & show him. Tell him if he really has a problem with YOUR spending he needs to look at his own & perhaps his new tv, furniture, etc should be taken back to the store.</div>
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This was my first thought as well.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> we recently moved to a new home also, and the expenses added up to more than I thought they would. I know what it's like.
 

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((hugs))<br><br>
He needs to take responsibility for his spending and adjust his expectations. He is creating a problem and them blaming you. Wanting you to get approval for any spending is a big red flag IMO. You need to work with him to get that resolved---I agree that money may not be the main issue here.<br><br>
We just bought a house in June. We have bought a few pieces of furniture here and there, but I really want or need a new dining set, a bed frame (old box spring set-up would not fit up stairs), a dresser, chairs for the living room, window treatments for the side windows on two floors. We have money in the bank, but I am holding off and buying a little at a time or finding things for free. I want that money before I want or need any of those furniture things. So we make do with our tiny old table and chairs, only the couch in the living room, putting some clothes away stacked in the closet on the floor, our thick super nice mattress on the floor, with uncovered side windows on two floors. Ideal? Maybe not, but certainly more than workable. I have a house, a family, many very nice things...we will get armchairs and the rest of it when we get them. I think it is really common for new homeowners, even if they can afford their home, to need to be extra frugal with expenses. Furniture and appliances add up FAST. We spent almost $4000 on our appliances and the house came with a dishwasher and stove/oven. That is why all we bought for furniture was a few book cases and nightstands. We are finally buying a new bed frame this week. Yay for not having the mattress on the floor! I would suggest making a list of any future things you both want for the house and crossing them off as you get to them.<br><br>
For short term considerations...anyway to transfer the balance to a zero percent card while you pay it off? Any jobs you can do at home to bring in extra money without paying for daycare. Anything that was bought recently enough to return it? Anything you can sell for very close to what you got for it? I honestly would be considering selling the bedroom set or whatnot to pay down/off the cards.
 

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I'm sorry your dh is being such a wiener. Men get a lot more worked up about money than women, I think! Time to get your budget under control and take a pro-active role in your future. It's sitting by and letting him "insist" on things that got you into this situation in the first place! And as for "approving" your spending, well, IMO, that's the first step down the road to emotional abuse.<br><br>
I would return anything you can still return and not buy anything new. I mean, I would have loved all new furniture when we moved to our house, but I'm still living with hand me downs and thrift store finds. Why? Not because Iw ant to, but because that's what we can afford. Maybe in a few years, we can get that sweet leather sectional or new computer, but for now, we have to work with what we got. I got a baby instead! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Seriously, though, get a handle on it now before you can't make payments. Consolidate, call you utilities, get on a budget plan, cancel cable - anything to keep that new house and avoid the situation so many families find themselves in during this mortgage crisis!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">:
 

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It's amazing how the expenses pile up with a new house, isn't it? We moved two years ago, and still have most of our old crummy furniture and a list of projects a mile long - just the home repairs and maintenance right after we moved in cost thousands of dollars. It's easy to underestimate how much you will need.<br><br>
If your credit card is maxed out, then you already know that you and your DH are living beyond your means, and need to decide - together - on a budget that covers the essentials and pays down the debt. It's not acceptable for DH to tell you that you cannot spend money without him approving it; that is an issue of POWER and CONTROL, not an issue of finances. He is blaming you for a financial situation that frightens him, and that's unfair. He made some poor spending choices, and needs to accept responsibility for his past mistakes. Only when you BOTH acknowledge that you made some mistakes can you move forward together.<br><br>
As partners in the marriage, you have a joint responsibility to decide how money is spent - and then a shared responsibility to stick to the budget. When you have agreed together on how much money is available each month for decorating (curtains) or clothes, then DH shouldn't complain when you spend that money.<br><br>
The PP's had good suggestions about selling off what you can to recoup the cost, and transferring high-interest balances to low-interest cards. Maybe this is a good year to forgo Christmas gifts for each other, and make "getting out of debt" your gift to each other, and to your marriage. Make inexpensive gifts or bake cookies for friends and family. Turn off cable. Turn down the thermostat. Sell off unused household items on Craigslist (the bonus is that you will be decluttering your house at the same time). Cook simple meatless meals at home to cut back on food costs, and have DH pack simple lunches for work instead of eating out.<br><br>
*hugs* Sorry you are in this situation - I have a DH who is also not in sync with my frugal ways - and I know how stressful and frustrating it can be.
 

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Oh, hugs, stuff like this is NEVER fun.<br>
I'm sorry that your situation looks so rotten right now.<br>
It will get better, it'll just require you both to make some major life changes, which it sounds like your DH needs to make more than you do. I do have to say, listen to your gut...<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s
 

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<div style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>Oooooh......I am SO <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> for you!!!!<br>
I swear, I've never gotten so heated reading about someone <i>elses</i> DP before!<br></span></span></span></div>
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CarrieMF</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9900483"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Take those cc's bills & itemize what YOU spent & what DH spent then sit him down & show him. Tell him if he really has a problem with YOUR spending he needs to look at his own & perhaps his new tv, furniture, etc should be taken back to the store.</div>
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Yes, I completely agree. He needs to understand that blaming you for this will not solve the problem, nor will the problem go away if he's monitoring your spending, but not his own. Good grief.
 

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I know exactly what you're talking about. We've also spent way beyond what I am comfortable with after buying this house in August. I'm nowhere near poor right now, but I sure as hell got myself knee-deep in broke. I have a balance on my credit card for the first time in more than 5 years.
 

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Is he home reliably by 5:30 or so every night? If so, you could do an evening/weekend job like pizza delivery in the short term to get some money coming in without having to deal with daycare. Or a weekend job at the mall during the Christmas crush.<br><br>
It would give you a little bit of breathing room while you come up with a budget and financial plan you're both comfortable with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for all the replies ladies. He did later apologize about snapping at me, which is a start, but we haven't sat down and talked yet like some pp have suggested.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>beachmouse</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9916217"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is he home reliably by 5:30 or so every night? If so, you could do an evening/weekend job like pizza delivery in the short term to get some money coming in without having to deal with daycare. Or a weekend job at the mall during the Christmas crush.</div>
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I wish I could do this, but he isn't home til 8:00 most nights. He has something against me working odd hours, at first I thought it was him being controlling, but i am beginning to think that he just doesn't want to watch ds, as he gives me guilt trips when I don't take ds with me to go shopping. I sometimes think he put us in this situation so I will have to get a job, but that could be my overactive imagination. He says he wants me to stay home w/ds, but sometimes he hints at me going and getting a job. I just don't know. But he said we are going to visit his parents, but not until february, so that puts me for looking for a job til march, cause we'll be out of the country til then.
 
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