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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i don't feel like my post belongs here, because i'm a single mama, in a relatively serious relationship, so its not really parents as partners..... but here we go.<br><br>
so i'm very emotional, dp is... more matter of fact. typical of us, i guess?<br><br>
here's an example of the latest argument.... i don't know how else to explain things without getting biased.<br><br>
there is a modification that i want to do with my car. it involves an aftermarket set of fog lights. technically they might not fit, but with some research i know the proper fog lights can be found. so anyway....<br><br>
dp is really the one who can put them on for me. cool. we're both vw enthusiasts, he just knows how to work on them and i just <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> them. we both modify our vws to look different and unique.<br><br>
i was talking this over with him, searching for fog lights, and saying i couldnt find the ones i was looking for, etc.<br><br>
he starts saying....why do you want foglights, you already have fog lights in your headlights (true). i replied....because i really like how they look when youre driving. he said.... you already have fog lights, there's no point in another set, its going to look stupid, etc. my answer: BUT I LIKE THEM... thats the point of getting them. he continues to tell me that i don't need them, etc.<br><br>
i eventually said, look...why do you have to keep telling me that there is no point in getting them, that they won't look good, etc? i have seen them on cars, i love how it looks, i know what i want. whats the problem?<br><br>
so at this point he has hurt my feelings but shooting down my idea, even after i have explaining my VALID reasoning (i want them because i like them). he continue to explain why they are pointless, after i am trying to point out that this is hurting my feelings.<br><br>
i get upset, start to cry because i feel like he is not listening to me / doesnt care what i'm trying to say (i.e. why are you being so negative about something i like, this hurts my feelings?). i leave, he is pissed off, and thats the end of that.<br><br>
stupidest thing to argue over, but it happens like this a lot.<br><br>
maybe we could get some insight? we often fight because my feelings get hurt, i try to explain that, he gets defensive, i want acknowledgement, he says he is acknowledging by explaining/reasoning, that isn't what i need, etc etc etc....<br><br>
i just don't know what to do. :\
 

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I'm sorry, I don't have much advice.<br><br>
I think it's worth continuing to work on, even if you do get emotional and he gets detached. In the case of the fog lights, could he be worried about something else? The money? The time to work on the car? It sounds like you guys have this in common, so it seems odd for him to care about it like he does, you know?<br><br>
In the same vein, why do you care so much that he approves of them? His attitude was dismissive of something you were excited about, not good, but really, you can still get them and put them on.<br><br>
Things got serious in this fight about something not serious, and that happens all the time to my partner and me. We are very similar to you two: I'm emotional and reactive, and he's placid and points out flaws in my diabolical plans. Sigh. It is exhausting, isn't it?<br><br>
On a lighter note, Janae is so cute, and looks similar to my Atticus: <a href="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b7cf04b3127cceb0e58ec43dec00000055102AZOG7Ry0ZMb" target="_blank">http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/4...102AZOG7Ry0ZMb</a>
 

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Well, is he SO practical that he only gets things that are more or less "needs" (it's all relative)?<br><br>
I think the bottom line here is whether or not he can respect you just "wanting" things. Is there some clear reason why this is a mistake - for instance, if money is very tight, upgrading when you have perfectly workable foglights is probably not a good idea.<br><br>
This sounds like a vicious cycle - he doesn't understand/tolerate your wants, you get upset, he gets aggravated b/c your upset, probably withdraws further, etc...<br><br>
Ask yourself too, why are you so upset that he disagrees with you wanting the foglights? I'm assuming that the final decision is yours. He may think it's a bit frivolous, and assuming he's not mean about it, and lets it go, you may want to consider figuring out how to live with the fact that that's how he feels. Or is it important to you that he think your idea is a great idea? I think that sets up the potential for a situation where he may just "yes" you to appease you.<br><br>
I'm not sure how, but it seems like you need to figure out how to break this cycle.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
its not about the money and its not about the practical issue. he just added a boser (hood extension -- it makes the car look angry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">), because he likes how it looks. as i mentioned, we love our cars and we do lots of things to make them look different. so no problems there.<br><br>
for some reason, he just doesn't like the fog lights idea. cool, thats fine.<br><br>
the point where i get upset, is where he keeps pushing the fact that its so pointless, why would i want something like that, its dumb etc. i should be able to say "because i like it, im sure of what i want", etc, and that should be the end of it. i shouldn't have to defend myself. it felt like he was trying to tear me down or something. i didn't want to go on and on about my choice. i already knew what i wanted and i was satified with that.<br><br>
i guess the problem is, it just felt MEAN for him to keep pushing it. i gave a very direct answer (i want this because i like it, it does not matter that i already have fog lights)... but he continued to say it was pointless? what that says to me is that -- my reason was not good enough. that feels mean.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>onlyboys</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10803782"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Things got serious in this fight about something not serious, and that happens all the time to my partner and me. We are very similar to you two: I'm emotional and reactive, and he's placid and points out flaws in my diabolical plans. Sigh. It is exhausting, isn't it?<br><br>
On a lighter note, Janae is so cute, and looks similar to my Atticus: <a href="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b7cf04b3127cceb0e58ec43dec00000055102AZOG7Ry0ZMb" target="_blank">http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/4...102AZOG7Ry0ZMb</a></div>
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yes, exactly, thats how it always happens... and i have tried so hard to communicate directly so that he can understand what im trying to say. i'm getting nowhere. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><br>
thank you, and atticus is adorable as well. they do look very similar!!
 

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Then it sounds like you're at an impasse where either you have to be ok with giving your reason, refusing to take the conversation further, and not getting upset, or he has to drop it, and not denigrate your choices.<br><br>
Of course, you can't *make* him do that, but you can try to convince him to do so (which ideally he would if he understood that it was hurting your feelings).<br><br>
Have you spoken with him about this issue at a time when you're not in the middle of a fight? Is he generally sensitive to your feelings, or is this a broader pattern?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
he says that he cares about how i feel, but that he shows it differently. he seems unwilling to show it in a way that i have told him i would understand. he feels that he should not have to change just because i don't like it.<br><br>
telling him that it has hurt my feelings has no impact. he says that i don't like what he says to me, and yet he has to deal with it so i should do the same. he feels that we should just agree to disagree. and its not that i have a problem with his difference of opinion -- i just want him to acknowledge that he hurt my feelings. but he wont.<br><br>
the only way that he WILL acknowledge anything like that is if i give a full apology first. that is the only thing that seems to break down the wall and then he will apologize too. but sometimes i feel like.... why does it have to always be that way? it doesnt feel like he understands at that point...just that my apology brought enough shame for him to apologize too. maybe because i chose to be the bigger person first? i don't know.<br><br>
i just feel like..... we SHOULD be able to communicate, i must be saying the wrong words, but nothing i try has worked!! i feel so stuck and i don't know how to talk to him. i am very open with communication and i have tried to explain my thoughts very well, and i use a ton of i-statements and focus on my feelings, and not on telling him he's wrong, etc. so i just don't know!
 

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Well I don't think he should say your ideas are "dumb"<br><br>
In this situation my dh would have said "I don't really like that myself" and that would have been the end of it really.<br><br>
That's just an inflammatory way of communicating and he shouldn't be surprised that you are hurt by it. Does his boss walk into his office and say "Your idea is really dumb" over and over?<br><br>
If you want to stop this what you need to do is let him have the last word. When he said "you already have fog lights, there's no point in another set, its going to look stupid" the only thing you can do at this point is not engage. Just let it go.<br><br>
Then go ahead and do what you want anyway.<br><br>
My dh is more practical(everything must have a purpose and be simple with no design etc.) and I am more like you. But he understands that I like nice things. I think aesthetics is practical. He thinks it's more frivolous. The reason we get along is because I respect his practial ideas and he respects my need for design and prettiness.<br><br>
So yeah you have a communication problem but I also think you have a respect problem<br><br>
Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
i just wish it didnt have to be that way. i want to be able to communicate.... not just leave it alone (let him have the last word). i guess the bulk of my frustration comes from the fact that when i try to talk about this, he refuses to acknowledge it.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>onlyboys;</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">In the same vein, why do you care so much that he approves of them? His attitude was dismissive of something you were excited about, not good, but really, you can still get them and put them on.<br>
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My thoughts too! You don't need his approval. That said, he is being very disrespectful by calling your taste or decision "stupid". You have every right to have hurt feelings because of that part. But you don't need to hurt because he doesn't like them....that's something you can change.<br><br>
He coulda/shoulda said..."wow, that's not something I think it necessary at all (or that's not something I would buy) but if you are sure you really want them and we have the finances, go for it!"
 

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"I appreciate your input. I'm doing the fog lights. Can you help me or not?" I don't know your guy so I have no idea if it'd work, but a set in stone "I'm doing this, are you along for the ride" with an acknowledgment of his input might work.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Synthea™</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10805602"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">"I appreciate your input. I'm doing the fog lights. Can you help me or not?" I don't know your guy so I have no idea if it'd work, but a set in stone "I'm doing this, are you along for the ride" with an acknowledgment of his input might work.</div>
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This. This is how DH and I work, but it doesn't work for everyone. DH knows that if I want something or want to do something, I'm going to do it. Likewise for him.<br><br>
But, back in the early days of our relationship, he wasn't so used to a girl doing what she wanted to. He always was with submissive-types who let him walk all over them (he's a very domineering personality, as am I...). So, if I wanted to do something that he didn't agree with or see the point of (even if it was "I want to go buy a pair of flip flops"), I'd just tell him, point blank: "I hear what you're saying, but I'm buying the flip flops. You're welcome to come along for the trip, if you want."<br><br>
I don't know the dialogue, but here's some helpful advice: if you leave it as "I want them because I like them" in an argument like that, it isn't a concrete, end-of-argument statement like it sounds. "I want the foglights in my car. I like the way they look. So, I'm going to find the foglights and buy them." That sentence ends with an action statement, instead of an opinion statement. Ending on an action statement leaves a lot less to argue with, but you can argue with an opinion <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
thanks for the tips! i like the idea of being MORE direct (i thought i was being direct, but i see the difference in what some of you have mentioned).<br><br>
i just wanted to mention again -- i'm not looking for his approval. i am the type that will likely do whatever i want, if i get the idea into my head. although now that you mention -- he keeps telling me that i can do whatever i want, he was just giving me his opinion...maybe he thinks i am looking for his approval too. and see, that is what i am NOT trying to convey. my issue is that i think he has no consideration for my feelings! i have no problem with his difference of opinion, i just don't see why he has to be so negative about it, making me feel like i need to defend myself after i have already told him my decision, you know? it seems that just because he doesn't like it, he needs to go on and on about how pointless and weird/stupid it is -- sorry, but i don't care!! it just starts to feel mean.<br><br>
anyway... thanks for all of the input. i'll try to be more direct.<br><br>
i also asked him how i can best tell him that he is hurting my feelings. he told me that i should just say something like "hey--this is starting to make me upset, please stop" -- i don't know, i'll give that a try.<br><br>
i just still feel frustrated because when i tell him that he is hurting my feelings, he tells me i need to accept the way he is. it makes me feel like he doesn't care about my feelings, although i will admit that he does other things that DO show me he cares about my feelings. so it leaves me confused, for sure.
 
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