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Discussion Starter #1
UPDATE:<br><br>
I have gotten DH to agree that hitting her back is wrong and only teaches her that it's ok and she deserves it....he said he did sit and think about it the next day but just didn't say anything.....*shaking head*<br><br>
I got a copy of The Discipline Book and another that was suggested and went through and marked where I wanted him to read (with those nice and handy bright tabs I used when writing my senior thesis...lol) in each book but also stressed that I wanted him to read them as a whole...<br><br>
The situation with SD isn't any worse but it isn't any better....Her mother and I spoke and she said that she'd talk to SD about some things bc she is having issues with her at home (same ones we are having here) so I don't know if she's really going to do it or she just said it to placate me....only time will tell with that....she is coming to say goodnight to me now which she hasn't done in forever but I think that's bc DH says after she's done brushing her teeth to go say goodnight to me and her sister....but I could be wrong..I don't know...<br><br>
DD just kinda stays out of her way right now...it breaks my heart that she's learned that her world is nicer when she does that....but I can't force her to play and be with her sister if her sister wants nothing to do with it....<br><br>
Day by day...so far so good.....I just posted about my mom so that's what's on my plate now.....<br><br>
Thanks for all the great advice I got here...I appreciated it sooo much and it made me feel better to have ppl understand.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb"><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
Hi there...<br><br>
I love my husband very much, let me start out by saying that.....<br><br>
However, his thoughts on discipline are wacked out and not fair....and I think it's just wrong wrong wrong and it hurts so bad my heart sinks...<br><br>
He had a daughter, my stepdaughter, who just turned 6....she lies constantly about everything, throws tantrums at the dinner table bc she doesn't want to eat what we've fixed even if it's what she asked for, causes scenes most of the time where we go so we've missed many outings with friends bc it's extremly embarassing (I've started going with dd).....and she rarely gets consequences for these actions or if she does he doesn't follow through......she's MEAN to her stepsister (who is 21 months old) and has said outright more than once that she hates her..I know a bit of jealousy is normal but it crosses the line. She pinched and rocked her too hard in the cradle when she was new and a few months ago pushed her and dd fell backwards and came within an inch of knocking the crown of her head on the wall corner...Her consequence of that?? "Now honey, you know you aren't supposed to do that...how would you like it if someone did that to you" to a blank stare..and that was it....her sister had a huge goosegg for days and SD smirked the entire time....<br><br>
On the flip side.....if the toddler gets overexcited like they do and does something wrong she gets punished for it by him....if she's sitting on the sofa next to her sister and is tapping her on the knee (and her sister laughs) she keeps doing it..sometimes she gets overexcited and hits a bit too hard but not on purpose and her sister KNOWS this but will cause a scene and the little one gets in trouble for it....time and time and time again we've told her that if she does that to you and you laugh over and over and over she's gonna think you like it and keep doing it.....thinking you think it's a game...again, blank stare....<br><br>
The little one a few minutes ago (which is why I am posting right now) was playing with daddy, got overexcited bc they were chasing each other and playing peek a boo around a corner and daddy went to pick her up and she laughed so loud and waved her arms around and hit him on top of the head....HE HIT HER BACK ON THE HEAD. Instead of setting her down and gently taking her hands and saying "no, no hitting, we don't do that" he hit her back....I flipped out...calmly bc I didn't want to upset dd, and said that that wasn't appropriate to do that and he told me that she needs to learn what's right and what's wrong and if she hits him too hard on the head, face, arm whereever then he's gonna hit her back in the same place...THAT ISN'T APPROPRIATE NOR IS IT RIGHT. She's not even 2 yet, she's a toddler, they will do things like that and there are other ways to handle it....He's always telling her no to this or no to that and yes to her sister for this and that. He only gets upset with my sd when I get upset....she gets away with EVERYTHING but the toddler does something and it's like she's Atilla the Hun...<br><br>
We are potty training her bc she showed alot of intrest...she had an accident on the floor the other day (her first all day..around 7pm) and he wigged out and was soo mad at her...I was seriously waiting for him to treat her like a puppy and make her get down on the floor and look at it..He startled her to the point she peed again...and went UH OH and started crying and went to the bathroom to get a towel and dropped it on the floor where she had the accident....He was soooo mad at her....Whereas when sd was 4.5 years old she pulled her pants down at daycare while sitting on the sofa edged her way down and PEED ON IT....and pulled her pants back up (she was the only child left at that time that day)....the daycare lady didn't discover it until the next day when she went downstairs (it was in home and the basement was finsihed for the day care) and smelled it.....She told DH about it and he said he'd talk to her (I was there) and did but just told her that she shouldn't do that ok and that was it...She did it 2 more times, blatently this time and we had to find a new provider for her. But the toddler has an accident and she's Atilla....<br><br>
My heart is soo heavy right now bc he seriously thinks that hitting her back is ok and it will teach her not to do it anymore....it will teach her just the opposite, that it's ok, that it's a game (at this age)...I just don't know what to do...He's extremly offended and doesn't understand why I am so upset....<br><br>
Any advice??????? Please????<br><br>
Thanks...esp if you are still reading this....I feel a bit better but feel so sad for dd.....and me...and DH since he belives in that firmly....
 

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oh <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> . what a terrible, terrible situation to be in. i have no advice. counselling? hitting a 2 year old back -- i have no words for this. even if his preferential treatment for is daughter wasn't happening, it is absolutely not okay to hit a child. and the fact that he did it when she obviously was playing and overly excited -- this is sickening.<br><br>
have you tried talking to him when you are not upset?<br>
would he read books? none of the basic anti-spanking books come to mind, but Becoming the Parent you Want to be is good; Unconditional Parenting (but might be a bit too strong for his state of mind);<br><br>
i honestly don't know how i would be able to function if dh did something like that. we do have minor disagreements, but not on such major issues as physical punishment.<br><br>
i wish i had some words of wisdom, just HUGS.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Oh my goodness. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> The potty accident story makes my heart break for both of you.<br><br>
He really doesn't see the double standard? Have you laid it out for him when you're not in the heat of the moment?<br><br>
Honestly, I'd put my foot down about the hitting. Lock eyes with him and say with a dead serious tone, "You will not hit her. I won't allow it. Period. I'm drawing the line." At this point, he doesn't need to understand why it upsets you so much. He just needs to knock it off.<br><br>
It seems as though there needs to be clarity there before you can begin to address the other issues.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
We have talked about everything when not in the heat of the moment and it looks like he's listening but I don't think he is...I think all he hears is blah blah blah blah....<br><br>
He didn't believe it when I told him when dd was very young that sd would go over and push her swing faster and harder when she was sleeping and pinch her until she got in trouble by me MONTHS AND MONTHS later for something else she did to me and I slipped in kinda like when you used to pinch your sister and she said yeah....We were in the car and I was calmer than a lake on a day with no wind and his eyes bugged out and he about hit the car in front of us and I just looked at him and never have I received an apology but really didn't expect one....<br><br>
He does not see the double standard and thinks I'm full of hooey for all I know. My mom has mentioned it, his mom has mentioned it....he swears up and down that the older one never did anything like that (she pinched vicisouly...tired, can't spel, until just recently and would giggle....it's like he's blind to it....<br><br>
Brought up counseling before and just got a big fat no, even when I've put my foot down....he's just not that kinda guy...used to be but isn't anymore. He'll glance through something if I give it to him to read but I don't know if he actually reads it or not...<br><br>
He's just extremly quick to anger and get frustrated when it concerns dd but not sd...<br><br>
I'm just at a loss.....all cried out for now.....
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I know it's very tempting to compare the way he treats the 2 children. Honestly, though, I'd try like mad to keep from presenting the situation to him that way... even hinting at it. It's obviously a non-starter. What's important right now is that he hears you on how he's treating your younger daughter. It's not acceptable and he needs to know that. Get fierce about it if you have to. Say you won't allow it to continue.<br><br>
About counseling - he may not be the kind of guy that wants to go to counseling, but any partner worth your time will be the kind of guy who sees that his wife is hurting in the relationship and will do whatever it takes to fix it, even if that means sucking it up and going to counseling.<br><br>
None of us know all the intricacies of your relationship. I can say, though, that just going on the information you've given here, I'd be inclined to tell my partner that I'm losing my faith in our ability to make it and my patience for dealing with the situation and that he needs to do something drastic and fast.
 

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Does your step dd live with you? I ask because I swear I could have written your post. My dh was the SAME WAY with my step dd when she was little. There is a bigger age gap between her and my dds, but he treats them so differently than he did her. Her behavior was completely obnoxious for years. Temper tantrums until she reached 12 and then teen age hell! Whenever I would broach the subject with him, he would say, "I don't have her with me all the time. I want her to have fun when she's here." He was always worried that she would like him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
He is MUCH more strict with our dds, but doesn't hit them. Just yells and does other irritating things, like nasty comments and stuff like that. I know that part of it is that he sees the error of his ways with the way his daughter treated everyone as a teenager. No repect at all for anyone, but me, because I never put up with her @@$%. I keep trying to tell him he can do it without the yelling and smart comments, but he doesn't listen. He is getting better because I demand it. Even his sister noticed the difference. She was here with her boyfriend and dh was at work most of the day. The kids were great and there was no yelling. He came in and the yelling started. She commented on it.<br><br>
I don't know what to tell you. Mine didn't learn until his dd was much older and completely out of control: sneaking out at night, drinking, sneaking boys in her bedroom window, failing school, was kicked out of her moms house and had to come live with us at 15. I said she could only come if he put her in counseling, which we did and it helped. I would suggest counseling or a gentle parenting class.<br><br>
I know this probably isn't much help, but I just wanted to say I've been there and I know how you feel. I'm sorry for you and dd. The potty thing is the worst. Maybe explain that this could really set her training back if he continues? Good luck!
 

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Wow, what a complicated situation. It seems like there are four issues coming into play here. His relationship with his daughter, his relationship with your daughter, his relationship with you, and your relationship with your stepdaughter.<br><br>
What I personally would address first is his relationship with your daughter. By becoming a more educated parent it will probably help him treat his daughter more appropriately as well. Maybe you can give him something middle of the road to start? Dr. Sears The Discipline Book comes to mind. A book I'm reading right now that I'm really really loving is Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline. Talks a lot about disciplining with love instead of fear.<br><br>
Maybe at the same time you can address your relationship with your stepdaughter. You sound like you may have some feelings of resentment and anger towards her. Your statements indicate that you think she should be punished more. Maybe what she really needs is emotional support and consistency.<br><br>
I would have a HUGE issue if my husband took the word of a toddler instead of my word. If he didn't believe me when it came to anything I'd have a huge issue. I would definitely say counseling is in order.<br><br>
I'm sorry I don't have more advice. I hope your family can find a way to heal.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thanks...<br><br>
Tonight is the only night I pointed out the blaring differences in discipline (why is that such a hard word to spell??) bc I'd just had it.....<br><br>
He just doesn't see that it's so different and how he's handling dd isn't right or fair or.....you know what I"m trying to say.<br><br>
We'll see how things go tonight....<br><br>
SD just got her finger caught in the door bc she didn't want her sister to get in her room sso she ran in and closed the door too fast and smacked her finger....dd got in trouble for chasing her....SHE'S FREAKIN 2 YEARS OLD.<br><br>
He just said that maybe she doesn't respect me bc I don't spend time with her or respect her and it's been like that for 2 years...NEWS TO ME...and I do spend time with her, I include her all the time...she doesn't want to be included or she's rude or gets ticked off bc she isn't winning I give her a time out...she doesn't like that...hence, she doesn't like me..I can't fully blame her 100% bc her mother has said in no uncertain terms that sd is only to listen to her PARENTS and respect them....hooey to anyone else....Her step dad just stays out of all of that but that will change bc they just had a child..it's going to have to change and that will suck all around....<br><br>
I don't know..I need to go through and see if she's ok....and dd needs a bath...thanks for the ear....
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Oh, writermommy, she is with us 5 days and then with her mom 5 days...We get her every mon,tues, and then wed am and every other weekend.
 

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I would imagine that dh wants to maintain a positive relationship with the step daughter (there is often guilt about separating from/leaving a child when a marriage dissolves) and perhaps he feels "responsible" for disciplining dd as a full time parent. My best suggestion is to try to educate him about the hurtful discipline choices. See <a href="http://www.NoSpank.net" target="_blank">www.NoSpank.net</a> for many short, passionate and well-documented articles about the dangers of physical discipline. They have a little (free) booklet called "Plain Talk About Spanking". It has professional "expert" information about the emotional and psychological dangers of parents hitting children. I highly recommend asking for it to be sent; and ask him to read it. It is very persuasive and well-documented. And it is very difficult to dispute.<br><br><a href="http://www.NaturalChild.com" target="_blank">www.NaturalChild.com</a> (Jan Hunt's web site) has many, many useful parenting articles about respectful parenting and 'what to do instead'. I highly recommend browsing there and printing out short articles to share with him. Leave them on the kitchen table near where he sits, leave them in the bathroom and on end tables as reading material. There are some very powerful and convincing links there.<br><br>
Don't feel that you must solve this immediately. Modelling effective alternatives is important too. Someone just posted about a 'developmental norms' book. Perhaps, having something like that on hand would strengthen your position that both girls are merely a little children.<br><br>
I agree that taking the position of 'you are playing favorites' isn't going to help step daughter change her reactions towards dd, nor dh's attitude, imo. Perhaps reading "Siblings Without Rivalry" would help to strengthen the girls' relationship and that might change the dynamics in your home significantly too. I also like "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk".<br><br>
Best wishes,<br><br>
Pat
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Trac,<br>
I don't resent or hate her....she's just not very nice right now....with the constant lies, manipulations etc it's just not plesant....within 5 minutes of her being her our house is in chaos bc she's screaming about her sister and the camels back is getting heavy....she can lie and there is no consequence...none...no time out, no that's not right etc....and it's just teaching her that it's ok to do that in life and not respect ppl who are nice and kind to you....I don't want her punished all the time, I'm not a mean person...just when she does something TO her sister or something wrong...that's not too much to ask I don't think but it is right now...Our house is the only place she has consistancy with anything....Her mom lets her do as she pleases..bedtime whenever, eat whatever, basically whatever you want to do is ok with me bc she thinks she needs to be an individual with no boundries...but there need to be boundries, rules at this age....
 

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Honestly? Someone (ANYONE) hits my 2 yr old on the head they don't see her again. You need to get out. That is abusive and he needs to understand that it is NOT okay. Even people who believe in spanking wouldn't stand for hitting a 2 yr old in the head (NOT that spanking is in any way okay- I'm just pointing that out so that you see how OUT THERE this is)<br><br>
Do you have family near? I would leave tonight.<br><br>
-Angela
 

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Could you suggest to him that you think about a different schedule for your SD? That sort of constant uprooting is incredibly hard for a child. I imagine it's difficult for her to get used to the status quo when there really is none for her - she's constantly having to adapt.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>goosysmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh, writermommy, she is with us 5 days and then with her mom 5 days...We get her every mon,tues, and then wed am and every other weekend.</div>
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I keep thinking about this thread because I really feel your pain. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I was just thinking that dh may be inadvertently causing these problems because he treats her differently than you dd. She may sense this and feel different as a result. To truly feel part of the family, she needs to be treated the same in terms of both love and discipline. I don't necessarily mean punishment, but being responsible for her actions. It doesn't sound like that is happening. While he may be treating her different because he's worried about her feeling like she's a part of the family, by treating her this way, the result may be the opposite. It may be actually making her feelings of jealousy worse. I know I'm not explaining this idea as well as I could.....<br><br>
PS Sounds like her mom's a real peach! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: If you and her step dad are in her lives, you are parents too and she should respect you.
 

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I hate to say it but hitting young children is culturally sanctioned and I have seen toddlers hit in the head as an 'I told you to knock it off' swat, <span style="text-decoration:underline;">in public</span>. Perhaps it is because we live in the South, but this is not considered abuse, legally or morally by our culture. Parents bite their children for biting, etc. The man is the child's father and will just have unsupervised visits then.....<b>information</b> as partners is more effective than trying to get an angry parent to change his "discipline".<br><br>
I totally agree that my child would never be hit twice by anyone. Period. But that is pretty clear to anyone that knows me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Pat
 

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Discussion Starter #16
writer,<br>
it's sd that gets the lions share of attention when she's here and dd gets left out for seconds, an afterthought...i think that's what bother's me the most....i don't know...<br><br>
as for a different schedule, we've tried that and gotten a no from her mother...a big fat one....<br><br>
i don't know....we are going to talk in the morning..i have already told him this..no ands ifs or butts about it......i'm just emotionally exhausted right now....<br><br>
he did say that if i found a different way to handle dd hitting when she's overexcited and such to bring it on...i guess that's a start right????
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>goosysmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">..I don't want her punished all the time, I'm not a mean person...just when she does something TO her sister or something wrong...that's not too much to ask I don't think but it is right now...Our house is the only place she has consistancy with anything....Her mom lets her do as she pleases..bedtime whenever, eat whatever, basically whatever you want to do is ok with me bc she thinks she needs to be an individual with no boundries...but there need to be boundries, rules at this age....</div>
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I was thinking that maybe your statement above is part of the problem. You obviously feel that punishment is necessary in order to "control" a child. Punishment is never, ever necessary - neither is controlling a child. You want children to get along with others willingly, not because they are afraid you will put them in time out.<br><br>
Then you say that her mom wants her to be "an individual with no boundaries", but perhaps that is only *your* interpretation of the matter. Perhaps her mom believes in letting her make her own choices and you perceive that as letting the child run wild. So maybe the little girl is used to living in a home where she has more freedom (not necessarily in a bad way), then she comes to your house and you start punishing her with time outs and forcing her to behave in ways her mother doesn't. That is *bound* to cause problems.<br><br>
As a stepmother, I don't feel it's your place to punish your SD. In your case, your relationship isn't close enough for that and her parents obviously don't want you doing it. Therefore, you really don't have the right to do it. By punishing her, you are treating her in a negative way that <i>no one else in her life</i> does. You are <i>causing</i> her to dislike you. I would stop with the punishment immediately. I don't believe in punishment at all, but especially not when it's handed out by a stepparent who doesn't have a great relationship with the child. Having come from a blended family myself, I can guarantee you this is part of your problem.<br><br>
Rather than sitting around blaming her mother for being inconsistent, you need to get together with her mother and decide on what are and are not appropriate rules. You also need to decide whether you all are going to punish her or not. If her mother and father aren't, then you certainly have no right to do so. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, because I don't mean it that way at all. It's just that, having come from a home with a stepmother, I can understand how your SD feels when you punish her. IMO, unless it's something her biological parents are already doing and have given you permission to do, you are *clearly* overstepping your bounds.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Plummeting</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was thinking that maybe your statement above is part of the problem. You obviously feel that punishment is necessary in order to "control" a child. Punishment is never, ever necessary - neither is controlling a child. You want children to get along with others willingly, not because they are afraid you will put them in time out.<br><br><b><i>I don't feel that punishment is a way to control a child but when a child is mean and constantly lies and manipulates and nothing is really ever said to her than that teaches her that it's ok, that it's fine to lie, cheat, steal bc you won't get in trouble for it...I am NOT the only person who feels this way about her....she isn't allowed at some of her friends houses bc of it and that makes me sad....a 6 year old needs friends but when you have a tendency towards bullylike behavior who wants to play with you...I want her to get along with other children, esp her sister and that can't be forced but what I won't tolerate is the hate and meaness that comes out of her toward her sister...that's just unacceptable.</i></b><br><br>
Then you say that her mom wants her to be "an individual with no boundaries", but perhaps that is only *your* interpretation of the matter. Perhaps her mom believes in letting her make her own choices and you perceive that as letting the child run wild. So maybe the little girl is used to living in a home where she has more freedom (not necessarily in a bad way), then she comes to your house and you start punishing her with time outs and forcing her to behave in ways her mother doesn't. That is *bound* to cause problems.<br><br><b><i>That isn't my interpretation of the matter...it's straight from her mouth.....there are no rules at her house...none...you can stay up until 10 everynight, you can watch whatever you want on tv no matter what the content to a degree (not porn but anything else.....), you can eat whatever you want and if you want to spit it out and not swallow it that's ok too bc you get the flavor in your mouth.....you don't have to listen to any other adult but your mom or your dad. I do not punish her...I suggest to her father and he agrees with me but rarely follows through...SHE'S NEVER HAD A TIME OUT HERE so I don't know where you get time out. I know it is hard to go btwn 2 houses where there are no rules nothing total 100% freedom (which i belive is inappropriate for a 6 year old...), I get that....and our rules aren't strict here...They are be nice to everyone, put your clothes away, be nice at dinner, do your homework, normal everyday things you'd tell any 6 year old to do....</i></b><br><br>
As a stepmother, I don't feel it's your place to punish your SD. In your case, your relationship isn't close enough for that and her parents obviously don't want you doing it. Therefore, you really don't have the right to do it. By punishing her, you are treating her in a negative way that <i>no one else in her life</i> does. You are <i>causing</i> her to dislike you. I would stop with the punishment immediately. I don't believe in punishment at all, but especially not when it's handed out by a stepparent who doesn't have a great relationship with the child. Having come from a blended family myself, I can guarantee you this is part of your problem.<br><br><b><i>I've come from a blended family. And I feel like you are making me out to be a monster.....and that's not fair. I came her for support on what to do. My relationship was outstanding and then her mom pulled the you don't have to listen to any adult besides mom and dad and I've been treated like crap..things thrown at me, her sister being pushed down (literally), breaking her toys, breaking my things and DH things (he doesn't get upset about it or so he says...i know he does though bc the last thing she broke was a $300 thing he had just bought for his hobby and she broke it on purpose bc she was made at him bc he said she couldn't do something until she finished something else so she got mad and when he went to the bathroom went over and broke it. It happened too fast and I didn't realize it was happening until it was over. He came out and saw it and just said, well, that's ok..I can get a new one....but he can't...is he not going to pay a bill or car payment or somehting so he can get that...with that there need to be consequences....I'm not saying she needed to be hit, spanked, punished but she needed to be held accountable for something she did on purpose...if it were an accident, hey accident's happen, I know that..we all know that...but it was deliberate and that's the kind of behavior she gets away with all the time.....I DO NOT want her to hurt her sister anymore and I will do what I can to stop that...I don't YELL at her, I talk to her calmly (even though I want to yell) and try to reason with her on her level....her father agrees with what I have to say and allows me to do that bc I tell him ahead of time and run it by him first...I don't just waltz in and say listen kid, this is how it's gonna be like it or don't like it I don't care...I wouldn't like that if someone did that to me....You don't know the intricacies of our relationship...just this part of it...I do have a relationship with this child, it's not great but it's not horrible....but when the moments happen they are huge, major and it usually involves someone being hurt and that's not right....I'm not the monster you are making me out to be and I resent that greatly..I love this child...I want what's best for her...I want her to learn that it's not ok to hit ppl, it's not of to push them, it's not ok to break someones things (mine, her sisters, her fathers, her friends) bc you don't get your way....that's not alot to ask at all from anyone....When it's come to a head and she's not allowed at others houses bc of it then it's a problem. Her father knows this and we have talked about it before, calmly and he says there's nothing he can do bc her mom is so free and open about EVERYTHING......(she's seen her mom and step dad have sex on more than one occasion.....her mom told her DH that there was nothing wrong with that....THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT.</i></b><br><br>
Rather than sitting around blaming her mother for being inconsistent, you need to get together with her mother and decide on what are and are not appropriate rules. You also need to decide whether you all are going to punish her or not. If her mother and father aren't, then you certainly have no right to do so. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, because I don't mean it that way at all. It's just that, having come from a home with a stepmother, I can understand how your SD feels when you punish her. IMO, unless it's something her biological parents are already doing and have given you permission to do, you are *clearly* overstepping your bounds.</div>
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<b>I have spoken to her mother and we actually have a decent relationship...I can call her anytime with any issue and she can call me..it's an open door but when it comes to telling her that we had issues (or dh telling her it's the same reaction either way) with sd over the weekend and what happened and it's like talking to a brick wall bc she said that she doesn't do that at her house (but DH knows it is starting to from talking to her DH one day) DH doesn't even try to talk to her about everything anymore bc his head hurts from banging it against the wall...He does know that there are problems like this at home now bc he spoke with her DH a few weeks ago when he went to pick her up and he came home and went "OH boy....trouble is a brewing..." and from what he told me she is doing almost the same things at her mom's and isn't being nice to the baby....rocking it way to hard, pinching it, on one occasion she got tired of holding it and just stood up and it fell off her lap (she was on the floor but regardless......the baby is 6wks old and maybe 6 pounds) and there are no reprocussions....no, you can't do that the baby can get hurt, no how would you like it if someone did those things to you...and her husband is getting upset the same way I am about their child together and sd behavior....I am not the only one that feels that way, nor is her husband. 90% of the time I run everything by my husband....I can't when he's not here and I'm not going to wait to talk to her unti he gets home HOURS later....bc by then all I'll get, all he'll get is a whatever....</b><br><br>
I did have a stepmother...she was a MONSTER!!! She threw he kids down the stairs if they didn't get straight A's, she threw things at them, she yelled at my sister and I (never hit us), we'd go out for morning donuts after church and she would leave us at the donut shop...I know what it's like to have a mean stepmother and how much it sucks....and I told myself that if I ever was one I would never be like that...ever.....and I'm not and I'm happy about that. She ruined my relationship with my father, he hasn't spoken to my sister or I in 15 years...he told us that he had a new family now and that was that. It hurt for a long time but I"ve done wonderfully without him....it's sad that he will never know his grandaughter....I've sent him letters over the years and a birth announcement and no reply....His own mother won't even talk to him anymore....My stepmothers children all have children and one is in jail right now for abuse. I don't believe in spanking, hitting, hitting on the hand....I believe that's all wrong...but when a child is out of control with their behavior and hurting others then something needs to be done...otherwise they will never learn that that's not ok.....<br><br>
I'm sorry....your reply hit a nerve and made me feel horrible bc I'm in no way like what you have implied....My DH agrees almost all of the time on how to handle SD but doesn't follow through bc he doesn't want her to be mad at him...Kids get mad at their parents.....it's part of growing up...The thing that comes to the head, the center of it all is how he treats the young one when she's done something wrong.....You can't punish one child and startle them to the point the urinate again and let the other one do as they please...What does that teach??? One child is better than the other....????
 

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Oh, goosysmom, I don't think anyone thinks you are horrible. But this is the gentle discipline forum, so you probably shouldn't expect any support for punishment. Maybe it would help if you and your dh sat down and made a list of possible behaviors and how to handle them for each girl. It sounds like you are both overwhelmed. Maybe you can schedule some family fun time away from the house? That might give everyone a break. I'm sure this is very stressful for every member of your household. Take care of yourself.
 

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I understand what you are saying completely. There do need to be consequences. I hate hearing these stories about stepmoms. We are not all bad. I am a step mom and have never abused my step dd in any way. She's 19 and I've been with dh since she was 2. However, he does need to start teaching her some respect for the feelings of others, or she will have a miserable life. You can't be mean and break things that belong to other people and expect to have friends. It sounds like that's already happening to her, since she isn't allowed at other people's houses. Of course, he could go with the "natural consequence" and allow her to end up friendless, but that isn't going to be a good thing.<br><br>
I'm not saying she should be punished, but she shouldn't be allowed to beat up on a baby either. I wouldn't put up with it. Your dd is a BABY and your step dd's issues with jealousy are not your dd's problem. She should be safe in her own home and her Daddy should make sure of it. Yes, sometimes she'll get mad, but she'll get over it. I told my dh long ago that she doesn't always have to like you, your her father and she'll love you. Until he decides to do something about her behavior, I wouldn't allow her alone with the little one, ever, under any circumstances, even for a minute.<br><br>
My step dd was horribly disrespectful and rude to EVERY adult in her life, my dh, her mom, her grandmother, grandfather, but not me. I didn't abuse or punish her, but I didn't allow her to treat me that way. She knew that I loved her, but expected her to treat me as I treated her. And guess what? SHe did and the difference between the way she spoke to me and them was amazing as she grew older. Her mother had a total indifference to her daughter. Eventually kicking her out after being called a "f###ing whore" and being punched in the face when the girl was 15. All for telling her she didn't like her black lipstick! This is where the years of allowing disrespect got her in the end.<br><br>
When she came to us, I insisted that she go to counseling or he could move elsewhere with her. I had a 3 and 1 yo at the time and wasn't having it. She went and it took about a year and a half, but things improved greatly. When she lived with us, it was mid 9th grade and she was planning to dropout with moms permission after that year. Well, in my home, people go to school. I told her that and she freaked out! She was failing and cutting class every day. I met with her teachers on a regular basis, which no one had EVER BOTHERED to do in her entire life!!! Gradually, she began to improve. She was given a "social promotion" after ninth grade. She had technically failed, but they passed her along anyway.<br><br>
By 11th grade, mid year, she got on the honor roll and stayed there through 12th. It was a long hard road due to years of being left with no discipline. Yes, this is a GD board, but gentle discipline doesn't mean no discipline. GD, in my mind involves teaching MUTUAL RESPECT for all members of the family. WHat she had was none. An indifferent mother and a dad who was afraid she wouldn't like him if he ever said a word to her. She has recently THANKED ME for all I've done in her life. SHe tells everyone she would have been a high school drop out if it wasn't for me.<br><br>
I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because a stepmom wants some kind of consequences for hurting others and respect for family members doesn't make her a monster. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Peace.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Peace">
 
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