[Gator-mom]

Is there a way to put your kid in bed, say good night and then actually leave without resorting to a CIO method?

Our bedtime routine right now is pretty smooth, up until the actual falling asleep part. We start story time at about 7:15-7:30pm. I nurse him for a brief period. He lays down and then I go sit in his rocking chair and wait until he falls asleep. That part takes anywhere from 45 min to almost two hours now. This is usually involving 20 reminders to close his eyes and stop playing. Throughout the night he is also up several times, and often those wakings last hours. By the time he falls alseep I am exhausted resentful and strung out. I need time to wind down myself, but because of the night wakings and how early we start the next day (6am) I feel like I need to rush off to bed myself right away.

I am a full time student and planning on starting nursing school this summer. DH is also a full time student at night and lately has also been working full time days. We are broke and can't survive off of the wages either of us can make on our own, which is why we are both in school right now...we need to do this to be able to take care of the things we need and live the life we want. With this schedule, DH only puts Ds to bed one night a week, and it's just not enough for me to recover from.

I NEED to have time to myself.... and some nights I could really use some extra time to prepare for my next day, or actually get some homework done! With DH gone all day and night, I'm left to pretty much deal with this on my own. What I really would LIKE to happen is to be able to do the routine, kiss my guy goodnight and then leave, and be done with it. I feel like a horrible mother these days because I am just so exhausted and full of resentment about a situation there is little solution to.

I really don't want to resort to the CIO method, but I also need to do SOMETHING so that I am a better mother when he is awake! Does anyone have any helpful tips for this, or words of encouragement on what I am hoping to accomplish?

 

[alegna]

I am exhausted just reading about what needs to be done in your house- I'm sure you're wiped out!

That said though, it is developmentally appropriate for a 2 year old to need to be parented all the way to sleep.

The up at night makes me wonder if perhaps he doesn't need that much sleep? What do his naps look like?

good luck!

-Angela

 

[Gator-mom]

Well naps are typically 1- 2 hours for me and he goes down around noon. I'm not sure how long he usually sleeps when he goes to daycare. She runs a pretty tight ship over there and I think naptime is noon every day.

I wondered about skipping naptime myself, but he typically goes to sleep so quickly that I think he really is tired at that time. Plus, when he does on occasion miss his nap, if we happen to be in the car around 4-5 pm, he'll get a nap then...and that my friends is the beginnings of a really bad evening/ bedtime!

 

[rzberrymom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gator-mom What I really would LIKE to happen is to be able to do the routine, kiss my guy goodnight and then leave, and be done with it.

This is JUST happening for us now, and my DD is 4. I know some kids can do it earlier, but I don't think it's that common.

Will he nurse all the way to sleep, rather than only nursing for a brief period and then lying in bed to fall asleep? I also remember having to get pretty creative with my DD at bedtime at that age--sometimes I would put her in a carrier or the stroller and take an evening walk (she was usually out really quickly), or maybe a drive around the block to get him to sleep?

Hopefully others will have some good ideas!

 

[Gator-mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rzberrymom Will he nurse all the way to sleep, rather than only nursing for a brief period and then lying in bed to fall asleep?

His nursing is really only a comfort nurse..as I really am pretty dried up now. He only nurses then, and then if he wakes up around 4-5am I'll let him nurse again so as not to wake up fully that early in the morning! We also had big nightime nursing issues when he was around 12-13 mo..where he would basically not sleep UNLESS he was nursing..so that led to some major sleep deprivation then too..so I would hate to bring back that issue as well.

 

[alegna]

I would try laying with him and nursing him all the way to sleep.

good luck!

-Angela

 

[hipumpkins]

One thing that took me too long to learn but I did finally learn it was to stop telling my Dd HOW to fall asleep.
Once your child is in bed let them settle down on their won without the constant reminders to lay down.
When you head out to the rocking chair tell your child that this is quiet time and mommy isn't going to talk anymore.
Then let him do what he needs..if he is talking to you just quietly "shh" in a gently tone. or say "quiet time"
don't engage any further.
If he has toys in bed and is making them talk..let him do that.
You can probably even let your child flip through little books until he settles and lays down on his own.

The forced, "lay down close your eyes" just made bedtime last a lifetime.

 

[Gator-mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hipumpkins One thing that took me too long to learn but I did finally learn it was to stop telling my Dd HOW to fall asleep. Once your child is in bed let them settle down on their won without the constant reminders to lay down. When you head out to the rocking chair tell your child that this is quiet time and mommy isn't going to talk anymore. Then let him do what he needs..if he is talking to you just quietly "shh" in a gently tone. or say "quiet time" don't engage any further. If he has toys in bed and is making them talk..let him do that. You can probably even let your child flip through little books until he settles and lays down on his own. The forced, "lay down close your eyes" just made bedtime last a lifetime.

hm I do wonder if maybe I have an expectation of bedtime in my mind.. i might try the book thing. What about getting up and down? He will often sit up and then flop himself back down over and over..sort of like jumping in bed from the sitting position...if that makes sense. Would you let him do this as well?

 

[aquamam]

When my oldest was around 2, I was in the same boat. For a while I used to bring a book in there, so at least I got some reading done. Maybe you can do some of your homework in there LOL.

Then once I really really had to get something done, so I said "mama needs to do this specific thing, and I'll be back in 5 minutes to check on you". To my utter surprise, this was no problem. I checked on her, she was fine. Once she got used to me leaving for a while, I'd stretch it out longer, sometimes she'd call for me and sometimes she'd have fallen asleep when I returned. I found that me being in the room had become kind of a distraction for her.

Anyhoo, you could maybe start by saying "I just have to go to the bathroom then I'm coming right back" and see what happens.. worth a shot, and at least you'll have an empty bladder while you wait for sleepytime!

 

[hipumpkins]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gator-mom hm I do wonder if maybe I have an expectation of bedtime in my mind.. i might try the book thing. What about getting up and down? He will often sit up and then flop himself back down over and over..sort of like jumping in bed from the sitting position...if that makes sense. Would you let him do this as well?

If it weren't in a wild frenzied way..yes I would.
anything too loud or frenzied can be stopped but try to keep yourself out of the picture as much as you can.

 

[mommy2abigail]

My dd is just barely doing this, and she just turned four, so I don't know if this will work for a 2 yo. What I did was tell her that I was going to 'check' on something or finish my computer work (MDC

) and would come check on her in 5 minutes. I always kept my word about checking on her, so she would trust that I would be there.

Sometimes she would be in her bed playing for an hour or so, and then needed me to lay down with her, but at least I wasn't sitting there wasting time for an hour, you know? And after a while, she started to fall asleep in between one of the check-in's.

Could you put some quiet toys/books in there for him to play with and tell him you need to do home work and will be back in 5? When I would check in, I wouldn't even say anything, just peek my head in the door, and walk back out. She knew I was checking in but I didn't engage her. If she walked out of her room, she came out to the dark house, with me sitting at the desk (boring for her) and I'd just gently take her back in. Sometimes at that point she was ready for me to lay with her and sometimes she would want to play a bit longer, and just wanted to check in on ME. HTH

 

[Gator-mom]

Thanks for all the great tips everyone! I think I am going to start by putting a brighter light in his room so that I can study while I'm sitting in his rocking chair. I might try the going to be bathroom trick also and see how that runs. I dont' know why I never thought to bring my homework in with me..I must feel like I'm not suppose to mix kid with homework. It ought to at least minimize my stress of never having enough time to get it done though!

 

[aquamam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aquamam When my oldest was around 2, I was in the same boat. For a while I used to bring a book in there, so at least I got some reading done. Maybe you can do some of your homework in there LOL.

FYI Gator Mom I used a camping headlamp (kept the room dark for sleeping, although I looked ridiculous

)

 

[Gator-mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aquamam FYI Gator Mom I used a camping headlamp (kept the room dark for sleeping, although I looked ridiculous )

Haha. I have one of those..I just need to locate it! Though I'm thinking it might be a bit distracting..with the whole awesome light on mama's head! I'll try it and see how it goes though. Thanks for the tip!

 

[almadianna]

I just wanted to update you guys that I have removed a posts because they were advocating sleep training. As a quick reminder I want to say that our goal in this forum is to find gentle solution that respects the child's needs while understanding that sleep issues are very challenging. CIO and sleep training do not fall in these categories and it is important to find other options to these.

This is a good thing to remember when dealing with our own personal problems with babies and sleep.

Quote:

Once we become parents it is easy to blame ourselves when our children's behavior seems out of control. The pervasive idea that we should be able to control sleep habits leads us too quickly to call night waking a "sleep disorder" and to wonder what we are doing wrong to cause it. Research gives no indication that anything parents do causes night waking. Babies whose cries are responded to rapidly are not more prone to it. Assuming that there is some method out there to treat sleep "disorders" undermines a parent's confidence. Despite the notion that "healthy, normal" babies sleep through the night, surveys of parents show that most babies do not sleep through the night, at least until all their teeth are in. While waiting for our children to develop physically and emotionally to the point where they can realistically soothe themsleves to sleep, we need to work on our own development toward tolerance, patience, and acceptance of those aspects of parenting that are beyond our control. What remains in our control is the ability to continue to care for our children even though they are keeping us awake at night; to continue to hold to our own integrity as feeling people. To embrace a philosophy that takes into account the individual needs of each child is not to ignore the unfortunate reality that we need sleep. We need to nurture ourselves in this process of raising children. The key to tolerance, and the natural passge through the nightwaking years, is to observe, accept, and work with your child's own inner rhythms and timetables, which can lead to the understanding that nurturing your child and nurturing yourself are not mutually exclusive enterprises. 'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara

This is also a good article that might help remind some of us that what we are going through is normal and offers some helpful suggestions to help overcome some of the tough times.

 

[hennaLisa]

I think I'm the one who's post got removed. I didn't mean to be advocating for CIO - I'm actually desperately seeking advice and tips for how to avoid it. After three hours of walking, nursing, putting in crib, repeat.. tonight, I now have him finally asleep on my lap. I'm so exhausted and I know there must be a better way. I'm hoping to find some suggestions here for how to help my one year old fall asleep better. He sleeps about 12 hours per 24 period and shows lots of signs of being tired, but he is just so active it's very hard to get him to calm down to sleep. He doesn't like to be held or to hold still to nurse. The stroller worked for a few months but then he figured out that he could outlast the stroller too. He hates to be put in his crib (which we rarely ever do). He wants to run free and keep playing, but when he is tired, he gets wired, clumsy, and fussy if we let him stay up. Plus, he can easily get into a pattern of not sleeping enough which results in many fussy days and nights. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

 

[rzberrymom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hennaLisa I think I'm the one who's post got removed. I didn't mean to be advocating for CIO - I'm actually desperately seeking advice and tips for how to avoid it. After three hours of walking, nursing, putting in crib, repeat.. tonight, I now have him finally asleep on my lap. I'm so exhausted and I know there must be a better way. I'm hoping to find some suggestions here for how to help my one year old fall asleep better. He sleeps about 12 hours per 24 period and shows lots of signs of being tired, but he is just so active it's very hard to get him to calm down to sleep. He doesn't like to be held or to hold still to nurse. The stroller worked for a few months but then he figured out that he could outlast the stroller too. He hates to be put in his crib (which we rarely ever do). He wants to run free and keep playing, but when he is tired, he gets wired, clumsy, and fussy if we let him stay up. Plus, he can easily get into a pattern of not sleeping enough which results in many fussy days and nights. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Have you tried putting him in a carrier and taking a walk in the evening? That worked wonders with my DD--the contact is much more soothing for her than a ride in a stroller.

 

[spewie]

If you are at all interested in the Law of Attraction/Positive Thinking/Etc, (or even if you're not, really) you might want to try affirmations. I was having a really hard time with my third child going to sleep and I started saying "I am in tune with Riley's sleep signals and I am putting him to bed at the right time so he can fall asleep on his own." I said that many, many times a day but it worked!! Good luck!

 

[jmmom]

I just wanted to second alegna's advice to try nursing him all the way to sleep - I wonder if it would cut down on the night wakings a bit? Even if you're pretty much dry, there could still be a physiological need on his part to suck and be close to you that might get satisfied and help him sleep better. Just a thought. Maybe make sure he has a high protein snack - like a bit of milk - shortly before bed, to see if that helps, too. Run him around a ton in the afternoon if you can, or right after dinner (if dinner is early enough). Also, if he's getting his molars he could actually be just on the verge of really sleeping well at night, once that's done. My ds is just a little younger than yours, and about 3 weeks ago he all of a sudden started sleeping 9 hours consistently at night! Never much more than 3 hrs straight before that! They're at the age where it could happen any day for you.

I wouldn't turn on the light, but I would maybe find a small reading lamp (if the cool lamp on mom's head is too distracting). I find that as my ds has gotten older, he's really kept awake by too much light.

Good luck!

 

[Multimomma]

I wonder if maybe you are starting too early? As children get older, they do need less sleep, and it might be time to reassess how much sleep he really needs. My kids, at about two years old, really only needed eight or nine hours of sleep at night, especially if they had taken a nap. If it takes two hours to rock him to sleep, and you start an hour and a half later, does it only take half an hour? KWIM?

I understand needing some time to relax, and I'm sure you want to plan time to study etc. Is there any way you can set up your son playing, play with him for fifteen/twenty minutes, and then step out of the room/area to just sit and chill out for a while? Removing that stresser of HAVING to put him to sleep before you can relax, and remove a lot of the stress from your day as well. Let him stay up another hour or two. Add some playtime or a walk and just get him tired. Let yourself relax a bit while he's awake...