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I am not sure where the right place to post this is but I used to feel very at home on this forum so I am hoping its ok here.<br><br>
I am a strong believer in CLW and did CLW my DD. She self weaned just after her 3rd birthday. I was disappointed that she didnt nurse longer but I felt very satisfied in a good job well done. She had exclusively nursed until she was 15 months old and then I had nursed her through my pregnancy with DS and tandem nursed for 10 months. I was able to nurse her through some nasty illnesses including 2 hospitalisations and investigations leading up to her diagnosis of epilepsy.<br><br>
After DS was born I developed PPD. It was mild at first and I didnt ask for help. Then it just got worse and worse to a point when he was 11 months old when I became suicidal and lost so much weight I was diagnosed with anorexia. Then just after DS's 1st birthday I had a psychotic episode and because I needed to take anti-psychotic meds I was forced to wean DS immediately. There was no time for a gentle weaning. At the time I was upset about it but I was not well enough to fight, it was a decision taken from me and one that I was not capable of making at the time.<br><br>
Now its 14 months on and I am still grieving for the loss of our breastfeeding relationship. Every day I miss being able to nurse him, every day I feel so much guilt. DS is a very tactile, loving boy and still likes to hold and hug my breasts for comfort, I just know he would still be nursing if he could.<br><br>
I know that the situation I was in was severe and life threatening and that its better that he has a mother who is now well. If I hadnt accepted the help I desperately needed he might not have a mother at all. But I cannot get past this sadness.<br><br>
This is the first time since I had to wean DS that I have felt able to talk or write about how I feel about DS's weaning to anyone except DH. He has been very supportive but I think he feels I should be over it by now.<br><br>
How do I move past this? How can I forgive myself and stop feeling so so sad about it?<br><br>
Thank you for reading this.
 

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I feel for you and your DS. I am not good with words sometimes so I will offer a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I went thru a similar episode with post partum psychosis after my daughter was born.<br><br>
I spoke to a therapist about it once and bless his heart he had the sweetest thing to say:<br><br><i>"Its not the breasts thats important to a child being loved and nurtured, its having a mother who is sound and WHOLE in her mind and her soul. In the years to come its not memories of a breast in her mouth that will sustain her, its knowing her mother was there and could respond to her, love her, talk to her, BE THERE with her that will matter. Seeing a mother who is sick [mentally], not understanding why mommy isnt happy and being scared thats its her fault is far worse then what was filling her bottles and sippy cups. No one is going to count cans of formula as strikes against you. What you did was sacrifice something truly noble and special [the breastfeeding relationship] so you could get better and be ALIVE for your child. You had to let go of what you knew was the ideal for a greater good beyond your personal goals. It shows all the more how much you love her. "</i><br><br>
That thought had brought me so much comfort over the years, and he's right, the 4 months before I was diagnosed with PPD I was nursing around the clock but we didn't have a real mother-baby relationship, I was just giving giving giving because I was on autopilot.<br><br>
Please don't let the guilt eat away at you, as selfish as it may seem you did need the help far more then your child needed breasts...I know others may not agree but until you've lived thru severe PPD you don't understand how scary it is to look into that brink of...<i>nothing</i> and feel like you can't get out. Sometimes sunshone, diet, and vitamins aren't enough in that situation when you need ot act quickly. I'm glad I got help when I did so that I'm still alive and here mentally whole with my now 2 beautiful children.<br><br>
Not long ago my DD was going thru a phase when I was nursing my DS she wanted to nurse too and I said no, I asked her why she wanted to start now after all these years and she thought I had never nursed her...I explained mommy was very sick and needed strong medicine so I could be here today with her. She got very happy and said " Mommy, bobbies are nice but I be so sad if you weren't here with me!". That truly just helped heal the last of that nagging guilt for me.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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My non-CLW experience was a much different situation, but the grief was the same.<br><br>
The grief never goes away altogether. But time does help.<br><br>
If you're not done having children yet, hopefully you will find a new stage of healing comes once you are nursing again. That was a turning point for me.<br><br>
In the meantime, lots of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goodvibes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Goodvibes">:to you!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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