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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was talking to my mil yesterday about how we needed to do a couple of practice runs with my 2yr old dd spending the night with her before the actual due date comes (7/27) so that when I go to the hospital it won't be her first time away. We have discussed this previously. But yesterday she informed me that dd can not come spend the night with her until she is weaned. She said it is too cruel and traumatic for dd, and she doesn't want her waking up expecting to nurse. I can understand a little where she is coming from and I have the same fears that it will all be too tramatic, but I had decided that dd is not ready to wean at this time. Mil has pushed me to wean from day one of knowing about pg. She knows that I have tried gentle weaning and that dd was not ready and I would probably tandem nurse. I am really depressed about this. Help me I don't know what to do? Did anyone face this issue? How about moms who didn't wean, what did your toddlers caretaker say about how the nights went without you...was your toddler traumatized?? HELP!!! I'm running out of time!
 

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When my son was 2yo I went camping over night (gone 24 hours) with my dd for some mother-daughter time. He was fine. Seems he only wanted to nurse at night if I was in the house, if I was gone he did fine with Daddy comforting him. Does your toddler HAVE to spend the night with MIL? My dd was allowed in the hospital with DH. She spent the night on DH's chest after I gave birth. While I was giving birth MIL had her though. What about doing a test run with DH overnight? What if DH spent the night in a Motel with her (in case she associates home with nursing) to see how she does? Then you could tell MIL that's she's fine overnight without nursies if she's away from home and away from the nursies.

-Heather
 

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Could you find somebody else to watch DD during the birth? It sounds like MIL is saying "I won't babysit unless she's weaned"- and if you're planning on tandeming, what is she going to say when you go into labor??
 

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MIL's behavior is unconscionable. It's not her choice to make. She had her turn to screw up her own kids as she saw fit. I'm sure you have tried to persuade, defend, etc. I think you should shut down the discussion about nursing (and any other parenting choices she disapproves of) now. Trying to leverage a little free chilcare to meddle and disparage your parenting choices while you are vulnerable is just mean and unethical.

Please make alternate arrangements with someone who yourdc knows and who supports your childrearing practices, and then next time MIL says she won't take a nursling overnight, just look at her seriously and say "Okay."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you for your replies. I am feeling a little better. I realize I am the mother and If I need to find alternates I will do it. I do not want me relationship with mil to sour as she is very good with my dd, but she can also be very controlling?? with her children. I did not think about asking hospital if dd could stay there, or dh might have to stay home. I am going to give the hospital a call right now to see if possibly dd could spend night there.
 

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Hang in there mama! I know you'll come up with the right solution for your family.


This can be a truly stressful thing indeed. I've learned that sometimes the caregiver of a nursing child are working from a perspective of fear. While I appreciate her understanding of your DD and how "traumatized" she MIGHT be, I think perhaps its your MIL who's worried about how *she'll* handle that "trauma." KWIM?

The only thing I can add to comfort her and you perhaps is that the nursing toddler is a very different thing than the nursing babe. If your DD has a strong and happy attachment to Grandmom, and grandmom is there to comfort her no matter what the situation (if perhaps she awakes and just needs reassurance because of all the changes, new atmosphere, etc.) then she likely will take from Grandmom VERY happily, what Grandmom can give her.

I too was VERY concerned about ever leaving my DS after bedtime hours. He did indeed start doing late night stints with Auntie and Uncle and my mom when he was about 18 months old (DS and I are in a band and rarely got home before midnight and usually more like 2am). What I came to realize is that he expected different things from different people, i.e., he fully understood that nursing was mom and DS's thing, but that when mom is not around, he happily accepted the kind of comfort that grandmom, auntie or uncle could give. At two, I imagine it would be similar for your DD, no?

I hope this makes sense. It sounds like you're exploring different options now which is totally understandable, but if you do decide to go with MIL then perhaps a dry run will reassure her that this is much easier done than said.


The best and best of luck!

Em
 

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nak

i agree with pp. don't let your mil pressure u into weaning if this is not what u want to do.

if u end up making different childcare arrangements just b very positive and relaxed about it when letting mil know. also say it like it is already decided, not like you r considering another option. figure out what you're going to say, and then don't get into a huge discussion about it. say you dont want to impose & u want to keep dds time with her positive or something like that (tho i agree with pp that this need not be a traumatic exp for dd).
 

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Embee is right. Toddlers expect different things from different people! My daughter has been staying overnight at her dad's without me once or twice a week since she was around a year old, and she just picks up nursing with me when I see her the next day. She was a lot younger than your daughter and I was worried, but it was fine. Your daughter will almost certainly be fine with MIL too- but she does sound rigid and boundaries-challenged, so if there's an alternative I'd go with it!

And she's worried about trauma to your daughter if she wakes up without nursing for one night? What about the trauma of being completely weaned before she's ready?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I talked with the hospital and they say my toddler can not spend the night with me. But, the idea of having dh do a trial run of spending the night without me is a good idea. I think we will try that, at least I will be able to see how she does. I think wether I am nursing or not she will wake crying for her momma because that is natural. It has helped to get suggestions from everyone, i feel less desperate
 

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Children are allowed at births, right? Maybe you could just go home early (I left the hospital when my son was 12 hours old- I hate them!) and spend the night at home with your whole family together?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by hottmama
Children are allowed at births, right? Maybe you could just go home early (I left the hospital when my son was 12 hours old- I hate them!) and spend the night at home with your whole family together?
It's still a good idea to have alternate child care arrangements made, in case you can't leave the hospital as soon as planned, or if having your child present for the birth doesn't work out well. You never know how your child will react to your being in labor- or how you'll react to having your child there while you're in labor!! This is actually a good idea even when you're planning a home birth- you never know how you're going to feel once your'e actually in labor.
 

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have to be quick here-- what we did was night-wean ds1 (mostly) before ds2 was born. ds1 spent the night (2nights?) with good friend whose house he was very familiar with (not to mention her, her dh & her 2 kids). He stayed up a bit later -- she might have had to drive him to sleep, but no big deal. He saw me at the hospital & got kinda scared (failed hbac, ended w/ c-section so I looked kinda ragged). He hadn't seen me in about 24 hours, so he jumped right back into friend's arms. Dh took him home that night & I stayed at hospital w/ baby. When I got home the next day all was well & I never saw any negative results (other than dh being tired cause he didn't sleep as well for dh as he did for my friend!).

anywho... hth!!
 
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