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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
XH and I are still in the "trial run" period of figuring out visitation and custody. Or rather, he demands what he wants and I try to accomodate him. We're scheduled for our first mandatory mediation session on Thursday. I plan on demanding sole physical custody of DD (16 months) and granting him visitation (supervised visitation if possible), but how much is still up for debate.<br><br>
So far, XH has seen DD on Saturdays, for about 3 hours at a time, once at his place and once at mine (which he griped bitterly about). He has also insisted on seeing DD one evening a week, much to my dismay. Because my order of protection is not in place right now, he still has the legal right to pick her up whenever he wants, so I need to comply. I do my best to hurry over to his place after work is done so DD is not left alone with him for more than 40 minutes, most of which are on the subway. I am concerned for DD's safety because as soon as he gets home, XH cracks open his first of many beers, and I don't know how he'll behave afterwards. Generally, he consummes 2 liters of beer a night, or more...<br><br>
The issue I'm having is this: DD has gotten on a rather tight schedule since I moved out of XH's apartment. She gets home around 5:15, plays a bit. I get home soon after. We nurse. We prepare dinner and eat around 6:00 p.m. Then we clean up and it's bath time around 6:30 or 6:45. She plays in the bath until 7:00ish and then we dry off, get into pjs, read a bit/play and she generally wants to nurse to sleep around 7:30. By 8:00 she's fast asleep.<br><br>
The last time we had a weekday visit at XH's place, he<br>
a) didn't have any real food prepared for DD. He said he planned on feeding her Cheerios and apple sauce all night.<br>
b) he didn't want to give her a bath<br>
c) we went home, by car, at 7:00...it took 20 minutes or so and DD slept on the way. I had to wake her up when we got home, and then she wanted to stay up until 9:30 because she'd gotten a little snooze.<br><br>
That night was a horrid one in terms of sleep, and the following evening, she seemed very confused and fussy. It basically took two nights to get her back on her schedule.<br><br>
I'm wondering if it's unreasonable to ask that XH only see DD on week-ends for now, because of how it disrupts her schedule. Alternately, XH mentioned that he'd want to pick DD up from daycare a bit early, take her someplace for an hour and then return her to me downtown when I'm done work. This way, he'd be out of the home for his "visit" and wouldn't be able to drink. Perhaps I could let him have one of these afternoon visits a week or every 2 weeks...<br><br>
Waht do you mamas think?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Halfasianmomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14685300"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Alternately, XH mentioned that he'd want to pick DD up from daycare a bit early, take her someplace for an hour and then return her to me downtown when I'm done work. This way, he'd be out of the home for his "visit" and wouldn't be able to drink. <b>Perhaps I could let him have</b> one of these afternoon visits a week or every 2 weeks...</div>
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mama i know you didnt mean it this way, but i just wanted to share that those bolded words really rub me the wrong way.<br><br>
both of you are parents of your dd. no one has the upper hand. so you are not allowing him something.<br><br>
now please i am not blaming you. its my thing and my problem but i wanted to share how important it is for me to see how a child is a part of both parents. and this kinda attitude that one parent is in charge (which IS true, however feeling that way really doesnt help working things out with ex). there is this unconcious body movement that the other parent picks up and it makes things worse for you guys.<br><br>
that has been my experience. it has brougth down a lot of fighting between me and ex. just by me being aware that i am not the only parent, or the parent in charge of my dd.<br><br>
i really like what he proposes... as long as he doesnt drink. in fact i think its an excellent suggestions and really takes care of both your needs - his and yours and your dd's too. as long as he doesnt drink.<br><br>
if you can trust him with midweek then YES... go ahead. even a couple of times a week. its always good if a child can see their parents more. opens up bonding time too. plus he is not in his own environment. might make it pleasant for him. a park, mall or grocery store.<br><br>
plus he will feel you are open to reason and willing to work things out with him . but insist on the no drinking.<br><br>
once my ex while we were still working on our marriage and were together - took up meth. OMG i raised such a stinker - seriously i never knew that side of me, but i made such a HUUUUUUGE deal that he never went back to it again. i made it v. clear he would not see his dd who was just a baby then.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
meemee, I totally understand where you're coming from. I really do wish my ex could partner me in coparenting our daughter equally, but I don't believe I'm dealing with a "normal" person. If I were, things would be infinitely simpler.<br><br>
Drinking aside, he has serious anger management issues. His own son, my stepson, has told me numerous times that he's afraid to talk to his father because of his father's angry reactions. There have been holes in the walls, broken items, tons of swearing and cussing and verbally demeaning this child...I even saw him poke his son with a fork for putting his elbows on the kitchen table. My ex has even told his son to "keep quiet about his life", which to me, smacks of someone trying to hide something. He and I discussed his anger problems while in therapy, and he acknowledged them, but blamed me or his son for angering him.<br><br>
Furthermore, I know for a fact that there is an illegal firearm in his apartment, so I fear for our daughter's safety if ever he were to get really angry.<br><br>
In addition, this man has repeatedly stated that he never wanted our DD, and that he "only wants the fun stuff". He never helped me care for her, never fed her, changed her, bathed her, took her for walks, etc.<br><br>
Finally, my ex has openly admitted, once again in therapy, to have completely constructed another persona which I believed to be him, but that this persona wasn't at all who he was (he told me things like he was a superstar bank robber with a professional crew of thieves, that his real father was some French diplomat his mom had a fling with, that his mother and sister were award-winning surgeons, etc etc). This, in and of itself, does not make him a "bad father", but it worries me with regards to his mental stability. I've only recently found out that almost everything he told me about his past was utter falsehood, and yet he continued to repeat those falsehoods to his son. Will he also teach my daughter these things? Will he also tell her that "the Apocalypse is coming soon and you'll have to be ready to lead the human race into a new era"?<br><br>
So, yes, I do want my daughter to have a father in her life, but is this man stable enough and trustworthy enough to be that father?
 

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I'm currently dealing with an off kilter ex (to put it mildly/nicely), and I think you're on to something with the pick up from daycare early thing. I would say offer that twice a week and a daytime weekend visit. Then, he'll see her mostly when he's sober, and he'll get to feel like parent of the year for having so much responsibility. Frame your desire to keep the visits to daytime hours by describing your dd's needs and challenges in terms of routine and sleep. Both of you want a healthy, happy, thriving kid, right? (Okay, maybe he doesn't because he's so enmeshed in his anger and addiction that he can't really properly prioritize, but you need to pretend that you think he does.) Try not to let your worries about how he'll pan out as her dad come across to him. If you're seriously concerned about your daughter's safety, you should ask the mediator is he/she will do shuttle mediation where both of you are in separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth. Then you can express your concerns to the mediator candidly without worrying about what your ex's reaction will be, and they can possibly help you problem solve.<br><br>
Good luck! It sucks to have an ex that's falling apart at the seams and won't admit it to himself. You have to tread very, very carefully.
 
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