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I seem to be stuck in this vicious cycle of does the good outweigh the bad? Am I being too nit picky on some things? Do I nag him too much like my Mom says and not let enough go? I don't feel like I know anything anymore...

I'm doing my best to keep it all together till that appointment. Everytime something comes up with H, I just try to think over it all in my head quickly and do my best to stand my ground and keep asserting my boundaries and what is important to me.

Here is a run down of the weekend...

The bad:
- Kallie grabbed at H's glasses while we were in the Target parking lot and he yelled at her.
Loud enough that people getting out of their car a few spaces down stared at him. I was sooo embarrassed. I told him that he needs to stop yelling at her when she does that, that it isn't going to solve anything. She is a baby and does not understand all words. He needs to help by re-directing her hands to a toy or stopping them before they even get to his glasses. But there is no reason to yell.

He flipped at me saying that he only raised his voice a little bit. I said that still isn't acceptable to me. Then he turned it all around saying he just used hit stern voice and that he will always use his stern voice with the girls when they need to know they did something wrong and I can't change him now…


I will say though it seemed that he was trying to not raise his voice as much when she did this the rest of the weekend and he seemed to be trying to use more gentle word choices with her…

- He slapped my butt again while I was strapping in Kallie and I told him again that it really annoyed me when he did that and to please not do it. Of course I had to explain why it annoyed me and then he was like, well I don't care if you want to do it to me so it shouldn't bother you… so I just said again, well, I am different than you and it does bother me. He dropped it then.

- He told me that he is definitely using the money he is getting from his works weigh off to get a new fish tank. :| *sighs* He is getting $120 for losing 20 lbs. Yes, he did work hard for that money and he should be able to do something nice for himself with it… but the fish tank… we already have one that is perfectly okay! And the $120 is not going to cover the cost of needing to then get new filters and a stand, and other miscellaneous things to get a new tank up and running. It is completely unnecessary now.


Not to mention we owe my parents $300 for the fridge they helped us get when our's died last month… Our electric, water and sewage bills are all due. We are also a month behind on both the cell phones and cable bills.


If I got extra money like that, I *may* get myself something small and then put the rest towards helping catch up on bills because that takes precedence. I just can never spend all extra money on myself. He always wants to. It's like why did you even have a family then? To make us all feel guilty about taking away your hard earned money? WTF?

So he even admitted that yes it is selfish of him to get the new tank, but he doesn't care he is doing it anyway.


- Yesterday he was in a real mood and was yelling at me about all kinds of crap in the house. He went off on me about a bag of garbage in the dining room.. Which HE put there. I told him as much and he denied he did it at all. Like seriously, why would I put it there then lie about it? Why would I put it there period? Then he was yelling at me about a towel in the living room… which he also put there! Which he wouldn't admit to either… but I said, who is the one always leaving towles in there? And he said, well then… you are lucky. He still couldn't admit it!

Then he was yelling at me because my diaper bag was on the floor next to the pack and play instead of up on this tote next to it… like it was a big freakin deal… it wasn't in the middle of the walkway or anything, it was in the baby area…

So then later he did apologize about yelling at me about everything, followed with the excuse that he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. :/ *sighs* Which is his excuse like everyday.

- We were at the grocery store and people were coming up commenting on DD, like our usual trips out. One woman commented on how much hair DD has and asked if she was born with that much. I said yes, then H said, "Yeah and it's really weird because our 5 year old didn't have anywhere near that much hair!"

DSD was not even with us this weekend... and why is it so weird that two kids are different? Especially since one is half biologically different! Not that it matters because even kids with same parents can have different amounts of hair... but why does he always have to bring DSD up in comparison to DD? Can't we ever just live and go with the flow? Did he really need to bring DSD up at this time?

There were some good parts... he did apologize for some of the crap he did. And he has been extra snuggly lately, which isn't like him. He heated up a plate of dinner for me last night and brought it to me while I was nursing cause I had a bad headache... he doesn't always do things like this either.
 

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There is a difference between situational grumpiness (stress at work causing yelling at home) and lack of empathy/respect/understanding. When you ask him not to slap your but, that is lack of respect/empathy. When he wants you to drive 2 hours to pick up his daughter, despite being exhausted, that is also a problem. I think your counselor will help you sort out if it might be fixable, or not.


The fish tank is another issue - marriage is supposed to be a team. As a team, you work to meet needs (food, cell phone, fridge loan, water) before taking care of wants (fish tank). Is he already expecting that the marriage is over, so he just does not care? Or has he always been like this?

My husband works very hard for an annual bonus from work. For a long time he was talking about wanting a new TV (and cable service). The check arrived in January and he did the same thing we do every year - made a deposit in the college fund and retirement accounts. Here it is almost July and we still have a small, perfectly functional TV from 1997, along with a set of rabbit ears.
Remind me to tell him he is a good husband
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by SleeplessMommy View Post
The fish tank is another issue - marriage is supposed to be a team. As a team, you work to meet needs (food, cell phone, fridge loan, water) before taking care of wants (fish tank). Is he already expecting that the marriage is over, so he just does not care? Or has he always been like this?

My husband works very hard for an annual bonus from work. For a long time he was talking about wanting a new TV (and cable service). The check arrived in January and he did the same thing we do every year - made a deposit in the college fund and retirement accounts. Here it is almost July and we still have a small, perfectly functional TV from 1997, along with a set of rabbit ears.
Remind me to tell him he is a good husband

Was there an argument before he deposited the funds where you felt so beaten and were about to just give in anyway before he did it?

That is how a lot of things go with H and I. He had a large bonus in December that he wanted to use to get a flat screen TV, which I feel is totally unnecessary. And at the time we still needed some baby odds and ends.

So after a very heated argument where I got myself so worked up and upset that I was vomitting.
He finally agreed that we should get the rest of the baby stuff.

Everytime a bonus or tax refund comes around, we go through the same exact thing. He thinks of what frivilous thing he can buy and I think , "oh! maybe we can pay this off now, or get caught up here..." and then he flips on me telling me how he has worked hard all year for that money and he should be allowed to buy something nice with it not just spend it on bills.

I have tried to explain that is just the way it is, and we are just starting out... perhaps if we take that money and catch ourselves all up and clear our debt a few years from now we will be in good enough shape to do something nice with that money... but to me the priority is getting us debt free.

He just thinks it's crazy talk and then he can't understand why we are so behind on things. *sighs*

For instance just now he called to tell me the cell phone company was calling because we are late on payment and he was all upset about it... but did he even offer to use that $120 he is getting to pay the bill and get us caught up? Nope. And when I ask I'm of course the f*ed up one for expecting him to use his money to pay bills when he worked out in the gym everyday to earn that money. Maybe I am crazy.
It technically is *his* money. It is extra to his paycheck. But we are really struggling to catch up right now....
 

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the whole thing is crazy, and rehearsed apologies do not make it any better. DP and I are not even married, and we always decide what to do with his bonuses and refunds together. Debt is priority.
 

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Well, you are definitely a saver and he is a spender, which is hard enough when you at least agree that all money is the family's money or X amount or X% is the family's money, but it sounds like he thinks any money he makes is his money and bills should just magically pay themselves from your money and fairyland money. I think it is good to treat yourself a little bit when you get a bonus or when you worked especially hard for something, but that doesn't mean the entire amount has to go to that treat. A certain percentage should definitely go to the family money pool and really when bills are behind and you owe money to people, it should be all or nearly all of the amount. I don't see him readily agreeing to the latter, but could you at least get him to agree to 50% or 75% to the family money pool, maybe 75% until you pay off all your debts and late bills then 50% after that? And you should not have to argue until you stress yourself out so much you throw up for him to be more reasonable


For the rest of your money problems, have you drawn up a budget? I find a lot of times a person will respond better if they have the hard data in front of them. Like look, here is our money in each month/2weeks/whatever works for your pay cycles and here our the things we have to pay (bills obviously and money for food, baby stuff, other needs) and here is what is left after that for savings and buying fun stuff. That sort of thing. Seeing the numbers really helps DH and me anyway, maybe that would help him to "get it". Worth a try anyway.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
he should be allowed to buy something nice with it not just spend it on bills. .
This doesn't even make sense. If you are behind on debts, you don't have money for "something nice". I don't understand that sense of entitlement. I can understand your frustration.

That said, the money issues are small (imo) compared to the general dynamic in the home. Yelling at you about things left out? That he left out? Continuing to slap your butt, when you've specifically told him to stop? Having arguments that end in you vomiting? These things are pretty bad, imo. Are you in counseling?

The one thing I would absolutely let go is the comment about his older dd not having as much hair. Comparing children can be a problem, but comparing hair of babies is not. And it is really sweet, imo, that he thought of his other daughter in that moment. No, he didn't need to bring up your dsd at that time....but what is the harm? I'm sure she is always on his mind, just as your dc is.
 

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Okay...sweetie, and I say this with love...why are you still deciding whether or not you are in an abusive relationship? Remember, you already made a list, checked it twice and decided that you are NOT crazy, oversensitive, nit picking, etc.....you looked at the list you made a said "wow! this man is abusive" - and decided that the best and ONLY thing you can do is try and get out of this relationship. He is controlling, emotionally devestates you for fun, wears you down and tears at your self esteem regularly and is not a good father to your DD. That's the short list. Come on, honey, it doesnt matter what happened this weekend...it doesn't matter if he wamred up a plate of food....does that make the undercurrent of abuse which currently exsists in your life any better for you or your DD? No, it doesn't.

It's like the physically abusive man, who "makes up for" beating a woman within in an inch of her life, by buying her jewlery....reminding her that he's "under a lot of stress" and "You know what happens when you push me I just get crazy....please don't be mad baby, don't say you'll leave, you know nobody could ever love me and understand me like you do" - ew. Its sick. Okay...so he doesn't beat you up and then buy your jewlery.....instead he manhandles you, degrades you, calls you names and yells in your DDs face....then he warms you up a plate of food and explains away his abuse with "You know I'm stressed baby, sometimes I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed" -


You're smarter than that. I "get" where you are, because, having BTDT, I know how incredibly hard it is to leave when it's not ALL bad...when it's not ALL abusive....but you need to keep going back to that list you made....because some of the things on that list, were absolute deal breakers, IMO. You yell at my infant for grabbing at your glasses and it's on....you make HABIT of yelling in my infants face and saying "Too bad, I'll always raise my voice when she needs to know she's in trouble and there's nothing you can do about it!" - oh, yeah there is, it's called "leaving you, right now" - NOBODY yells at my baby in anger. NOBODY....and CERTAINLY not her father.

Sweetie......pull up the last four threads you've posted on this situation....and pretend someone else wrote it. Try really really hard to pretend that, then write a response to this woman. If you are having trouble doing that...go lay down in your room, close your eyes....and introduce yourself to your daughter when she is twenty. Imagine who she will be, what her life will be like, what her values are and what you want her to say to you about her life and growing up. This man you're with....is not very nice, is extremely unhelathy and has you living in a way I NEVER would, with children OR on my own...PLEASE go back and reread your last four OPs....please.

It's not you. You are not crazy, nit picking, nagging, oversensitive. None of those things. You are not overreacting, you are not being a "b-word" you are not being unfair. You are feling those thigns...because you are on the verge of making a major life change and it's scary....but you are moving in the right direction. Don't let your guilt and fear of uncertainty derail you now. GET YOUR MOTHERS VOICE Out OF YOUR HEAD and stop trying to figure this man out and weighing pros and cons. Either he is abusive or he is not. You have decided that he is. THat means, no longer surviving, like you have, on a day to day basis. No more "Well, today he's really nice, he hasn't been this snuggly in a while!" - no more of that, that's how you cope when you are in an abusive situation. You need to keep in your mind, the general sense of ALL the days you've had....which make up a larger picture of control, manipulation, intentional self-esteem ripping and being borderling abusive with your infant. You don't yell at a baby. Period. You need to keep that general sense....so you can propel yourself forward and out of this situation.

GL honey pie...we're rooting for you.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Then he was yelling at me about a towel in the living room… which he also put there! Which he wouldn't admit to either… but I said, who is the one always leaving towles in there? And he said, well then… you are lucky. He still couldn't admit it!

This is really scary. You are lucky?

- We were at the grocery store and people were coming up commenting on DD, like our usual trips out. One woman commented on how much hair DD has and asked if she was born with that much. I said yes, then H said, "Yeah and it's really weird because our 5 year old didn't have anywhere near that much hair!"

DSD was not even with us this weekend... and why is it so weird that two kids are different? Especially since one is half biologically different! Not that it matters because even kids with same parents can have different amounts of hair... but why does he always have to bring DSD up in comparison to DD? Can't we ever just live and go with the flow? Did he really need to bring DSD up at this time?

I think you need to let this issue go. When people comment on my ds2's hair I often talk about ds1's hair and how different it is. As parents of multiple children we often marvel at how we can be parents to such vastly different and unique little beings. It's pretty normal.

He has two daughters. They are both is daughters, and since one doesn't live with him all the time he sounds like he's very senstive to keeping things "fair and equal." Probably unacheivable, but again, very normal. Because of this sensitivity he sounds like he is overcompensating by bringing her up as much as possible, not wanting her to have a smaller picture etc.



There were some good parts... he did apologize for some of the crap he did. And he has been extra snuggly lately, which isn't like him. He heated up a plate of dinner for me last night and brought it to me while I was nursing cause I had a bad headache... he doesn't always do things like this either.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Okay...sweetie, and I say this with love...why are you still deciding whether or not you are in an abusive relationship? Remember, you already made a list, checked it twice and decided that you are NOT crazy, oversensitive, nit picking, etc.....you looked at the list you made a said "wow! this man is abusive" - and decided that the best and ONLY thing you can do is try and get out of this relationship. He is controlling, emotionally devestates you for fun, wears you down and tears at your self esteem regularly and is not a good father to your DD. That's the short list. Come on, honey, it doesnt matter what happened this weekend...it doesn't matter if he wamred up a plate of food....does that make the undercurrent of abuse which currently exsists in your life any better for you or your DD? No, it doesn't.

It's like the physically abusive man, who "makes up for" beating a woman within in an inch of her life, by buying her jewlery....reminding her that he's "under a lot of stress" and "You know what happens when you push me I just get crazy....please don't be mad baby, don't say you'll leave, you know nobody could ever love me and understand me like you do" - ew. Its sick. Okay...so he doesn't beat you up and then buy your jewlery.....instead he manhandles you, degrades you, calls you names and yells in your DDs face....then he warms you up a plate of food and explains away his abuse with "You know I'm stressed baby, sometimes I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed" -


You're smarter than that. I "get" where you are, because, having BTDT, I know how incredibly hard it is to leave when it's not ALL bad...when it's not ALL abusive....but you need to keep going back to that list you made....because some of the things on that list, were absolute deal breakers, IMO. You yell at my infant for grabbing at your glasses and it's on....you make HABIT of yelling in my infants face and saying "Too bad, I'll always raise my voice when she needs to know she's in trouble and there's nothing you can do about it!" - oh, yeah there is, it's called "leaving you, right now" - NOBODY yells at my baby in anger. NOBODY....and CERTAINLY not her father.

Sweetie......pull up the last four threads you've posted on this situation....and pretend someone else wrote it. Try really really hard to pretend that, then write a response to this woman. If you are having trouble doing that...go lay down in your room, close your eyes....and introduce yourself to your daughter when she is twenty. Imagine who she will be, what her life will be like, what her values are and what you want her to say to you about her life and growing up. This man you're with....is not very nice, is extremely unhelathy and has you living in a way I NEVER would, with children OR on my own...PLEASE go back and reread your last four OPs....please.

It's not you. You are not crazy, nit picking, nagging, oversensitive. None of those things. You are not overreacting, you are not being a "b-word" you are not being unfair. You are feling those thigns...because you are on the verge of making a major life change and it's scary....but you are moving in the right direction. Don't let your guilt and fear of uncertainty derail you now. GET YOUR MOTHERS VOICE Out OF YOUR HEAD and stop trying to figure this man out and weighing pros and cons. Either he is abusive or he is not. You have decided that he is. THat means, no longer surviving, like you have, on a day to day basis. No more "Well, today he's really nice, he hasn't been this snuggly in a while!" - no more of that, that's how you cope when you are in an abusive situation. You need to keep in your mind, the general sense of ALL the days you've had....which make up a larger picture of control, manipulation, intentional self-esteem ripping and being borderling abusive with your infant. You don't yell at a baby. Period. You need to keep that general sense....so you can propel yourself forward and out of this situation.

GL honey pie...we're rooting for you.
I can't say it any better than she did. Read it again!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Was there an argument before he deposited the funds where you felt so beaten and were about to just give in anyway before he did it?
This is the nice thing about my husband
: ... there was no argument. The bonus was big enough for college fund, retirement, plus new TV. I said sure, we can get a new TV (we are looking at $600 TV not a giant plasma screen). I even did some price shopping. He wanted the TV, he thought about the TV and I guess he realized that the "upgrade" would not provide $600 in benefit/happiness to us. For the same reason, we don't have cable TV - for the past 10 years.


It is normal for there to be an occasional snit over some purchase. But for us a big one is every few years (car replacement shopping). In almost every situation, DH has put the needs of the family, even long term college needs, over his personal needs.
 

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I'm sorry, he yelled at a 5 month old?

You are not crazy, nit picky, or nagging. This is not a healthy situation for you or your baby.
 

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I'm sorry ... but, truly, your posts make me afraid for you! I remember your other thread where you listed everything. You're not crazy. You're not nagging. He is disrespectful and abusive. And until he recognizes that, NO amount of apologies from him will make it better.

Please, please don't second guess yourself on this. Make sure you and your baby are safe.
 

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He's abusive. The "good things" you listed in your OP weren't much. Apologizing means nothing. He does that, because it keeps you guessing, and makes you less likely to leave. Snuggling is probably the same way. (My ex, who had basically emotionally neglected me for years, suddenly became Mr. Affection...when I'd already made up my mind to leave. He could feel it, and decided it was time to change things.) So...that leaves heating you a plate of food when you had a headache and were nursing?? So what? That's chump change, and is very minimal. None of this in any way excuses the rest of his behaviour - not even close.

He's disrespecting your boundaries (the butt slapping and such). He's yelling at your baby. He's then doing the "I didn't yell" thing, which is just another way of dismissing your perceptions, and pushing his view of things into dominance.

You are being routinely dismissed, disrespected and treated like crap. Re-read AverysMama's post. Memorize it. Read what Sailor wrote.

This is just not okay. It's just not. You keep looking for the good here...and it's almost always possible to find something good (a plate of food, or the jewelry AverysMama mentioned), no matter how bad things are. But, you already looked at this clearly the other day. The pros don't outweigh the cons.
 

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You need to leave this man ASAP. Not wait it out to see if maybe things will get better. Not keep making lists and hoping that someone will give you permission to stay. You need to collect your resources and start planning to get out of there, with your precious child in tow. This man is an abuser. You and your daughter live with an abuser. You are exposing your daughter to an abuser.

Read that sentence again. Your precious, helpless baby daughter currently lives with an abusive person. Leaving is no longer an option; it is the only option. Please, please, please call a women's shelter, from a pay phone if necessary, and start creating an escape plan. You and your baby are in DANGER.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Call tonight.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
Okay...sweetie, and I say this with love...why are you still deciding whether or not you are in an abusive relationship? Remember, you already made a list, checked it twice and decided that you are NOT crazy, oversensitive, nit picking, etc.....you looked at the list you made a said "wow! this man is abusive" - and decided that the best and ONLY thing you can do is try and get out of this relationship. He is controlling, emotionally devestates you for fun, wears you down and tears at your self esteem regularly and is not a good father to your DD. That's the short list. Come on, honey, it doesnt matter what happened this weekend...it doesn't matter if he wamred up a plate of food....does that make the undercurrent of abuse which currently exsists in your life any better for you or your DD? No, it doesn't.

It's like the physically abusive man, who "makes up for" beating a woman within in an inch of her life, by buying her jewlery....reminding her that he's "under a lot of stress" and "You know what happens when you push me I just get crazy....please don't be mad baby, don't say you'll leave, you know nobody could ever love me and understand me like you do" - ew. Its sick. Okay...so he doesn't beat you up and then buy your jewlery.....instead he manhandles you, degrades you, calls you names and yells in your DDs face....then he warms you up a plate of food and explains away his abuse with "You know I'm stressed baby, sometimes I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed" -


You're smarter than that. I "get" where you are, because, having BTDT, I know how incredibly hard it is to leave when it's not ALL bad...when it's not ALL abusive....but you need to keep going back to that list you made....because some of the things on that list, were absolute deal breakers, IMO. You yell at my infant for grabbing at your glasses and it's on....you make HABIT of yelling in my infants face and saying "Too bad, I'll always raise my voice when she needs to know she's in trouble and there's nothing you can do about it!" - oh, yeah there is, it's called "leaving you, right now" - NOBODY yells at my baby in anger. NOBODY....and CERTAINLY not her father.

Sweetie......pull up the last four threads you've posted on this situation....and pretend someone else wrote it. Try really really hard to pretend that, then write a response to this woman. If you are having trouble doing that...go lay down in your room, close your eyes....and introduce yourself to your daughter when she is twenty. Imagine who she will be, what her life will be like, what her values are and what you want her to say to you about her life and growing up. This man you're with....is not very nice, is extremely unhelathy and has you living in a way I NEVER would, with children OR on my own...PLEASE go back and reread your last four OPs....please.

It's not you. You are not crazy, nit picking, nagging, oversensitive. None of those things. You are not overreacting, you are not being a "b-word" you are not being unfair. You are feling those thigns...because you are on the verge of making a major life change and it's scary....but you are moving in the right direction. Don't let your guilt and fear of uncertainty derail you now. GET YOUR MOTHERS VOICE Out OF YOUR HEAD and stop trying to figure this man out and weighing pros and cons. Either he is abusive or he is not. You have decided that he is. THat means, no longer surviving, like you have, on a day to day basis. No more "Well, today he's really nice, he hasn't been this snuggly in a while!" - no more of that, that's how you cope when you are in an abusive situation. You need to keep in your mind, the general sense of ALL the days you've had....which make up a larger picture of control, manipulation, intentional self-esteem ripping and being borderling abusive with your infant. You don't yell at a baby. Period. You need to keep that general sense....so you can propel yourself forward and out of this situation.

GL honey pie...we're rooting for you.
Please read this. And read it again. And then after that, read it AGAIN!!! I hate to see you in this situation.
 

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I'm not sure what you keep making lists for--if your mom thinks this is OK, no amount of evidence will convince her otherwise. It's not OK FOR YOU. This guy sounds like bad news. You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Please take some of it, start making a plan and stop making lists.
 

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I'm telling you, he totally sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder.
 

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Add me to the long list of people who think that the good you've described does NOT outweigh the bad you've described.

I'm not one of those women who has a perfect husband and just can't understand why anyone puts up with less. My husband can be really challenging and back when things were really bad if I had posted what was going on I'm sure I would've been advised to leave.

And he wasn't half as bad as what your husband is doing.
:

It is true that a lot of women live with men like this their whole lives (maybe your mother is one?) but that doesn't mean it is "normal" or that it is how you have to live your life. You can choose to set your sights higher for yourself and your children.

Maybe your husband will change, maybe not. But I think you will probably need to leave before he will get serious about making changes.
 
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