[Satori]

Last night I had a dream that's kinda haunted me all day. I was in some kinda really cool hotel that had salt water aquariums all over the place, like hundreds of them along the walls. They had really cool sea creatures in them that I've never seen before. The hotel rooms were weird, none of the rooms had doors on them and you could see in and see what the people were doing. Then I realized something was wrong but I couldn't figure it out until I went into some ladies room on accident and she was just like that nanny android from the movie AI that they dumped acid on but she looked different but you could see her insides and stuff. Anyway, she got this panicked look and told me "Don't let them do this to you! now run!" Then it hit me what was wrong, everyone there was a robot and not human they were planned to turn me into one too! I remember running to escape and some hindu indian guy trying to stop me then I woke up.

So what do I do because this dream seemed very real and haunting? I pull out my trusty dream book and it tells me that I need emotional calming & meditation or something may be fishy & not quite right, I have a calm emotional state, and I'm unfeeling, mechanical responses to life, going through the motions and of course the running means I'm not ready to deal with it.

So I think about it a while and realize I have been unfeeling and just going though the motions rather then dealing with my feelings but I had no feelings about this m/c that I could really think of as I'd made it a point not to get attached to this baby yet for fear of loss and I just wanted it to be over and get on with life. Fast forward a few hours, I'm driving along in the middle of no where when all of the sudden it feels like someone ripped out a part of my soul and I have this overwhelming urge to do this primal scream. Overwhelming sadness hit me in waves and all I could do was drive (was on a busy freeway) and wish I had my ignata or what ever with me. I felt so alone and sad

I just remembered having this same feeling with my last m/c and so I looked it up and sure enough, on day 10 (today) I wrote about that primal scream and the overwhelming sadness and having had nightmares the night before. Its funny in an odd way, this pregnancy was conceived 2 years to the day of my last m/c and I'm following the same emotional pattern. Maybe its a biological thing?

 

[CB73]

Certainly could be biological...your body retaining memories. Have you ever done any body work therapy? Sometimes energy gets 'stuck' in our bodies and manifest in strange ways.

After my loss, I felt as if I had to hold myself back from screaming in public, and freaking out because the rest of the world continued to turn on its' axis despite my immense pain.

You are not alone in such strange dreams and hauntings.

(((hugs)))

 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Oh Satori,
After my miscarriage I had such haunting dreams. I don't even want to write about it. And I often felt like I wanted to scream and release all of the pent up hurt and anger and rage at the universe, and it really did seem that it was much worse when I was trying to control my emotions (still happens occasionally) about the m/c. I wonder if maybe your subconcious was trying to convince your concious that you needed and will continue to grieve this loss? I don't know why it happens, but I guess maybe our brains aren't capable of processing all that pain all at once so it looks for ways to get it out even against our will. I am so sorry that this hit you so hard, it simply isn't right that any mother should have to go through this.

 

[KittyKat]

I have had dreams on 2 separate occasions where I was screaming in the dream.

One I was at a party which was hosted by my friend whose baby girl was born 2 weeks before my baby, and someone there who I didn't know was being downright nasty to me. At some point I ended up in the bathroom upstairs lying on the floor just screaming.

Then more recently I dreamed that someone had borrowed the water hose we used to fill up the "birth pool" for her waterbirth, without telling me. It wasn't someone I knew, she claimed to be on one of the homebirth email groups. She asked me how my baby was and I just screamed "He's DEAD!" and ran away sobbing and screaming.

I think it's my subconscious dealing with things because I have to hold it together for my kids during the days. I have had moments where it hits me like a huge wave and it's all I can do not to scream.

I had one of those while I was at my sister's wedding. I was matron of honor and had been SO excited to have my baby with me. Going through the motions and having to smile for pictures when all I wanted to do was cry and cry was the hardest thing. I wanted to enjoy the day. I was and am happy for my sister, but facing the day I had been so happy about with empty arms took every ounce of strength. I really did feel like I was screaming inside during the ceremony, but outside I was smiling and had just a couple socially acceptable "little sister's wedding" tears.

I am sorry for your loss. These are hard things, and it takes time to deal with them.