Well, DH scheduled his vasectomy

And I am really, really sad.

I shouldn't have another baby. My pregnancy with DD was disatrous. She & I almost died. I have an autoimmune disease that flares up with pregnany and causes HELLP. My doctor told me that another pregnancy would be catastrophic for me, and that I'd run a real chance of leaving my living DD motherless.

Since then, my health has declined, largely owing to the autoimmune disease, and I've had some problems related to the C-section and adhesions (which I have tons of, thanks again to the autoimmune disease). I will turn 40 this December. Moreover, I have not really wanted to have another child since DD, because our family works really, really well as it is, she loves being an only child, and I have no reservations about her being an only child. We travel, and my DH and I can afford to take DD on amazing trips and pay for her college and provide nicely for her, which we couldn't if we had more children.

I am also uninsurable for maternity coverage, owing to my problems with my last pregnancy, and my and DD's hospital bill was over $500,000. Another pregnancy would ruin my body and our financial lives.

Last summer I had a pregnancy scare, and I was so upset about it I was unable to speak to anyone until it was resolved, cried every day, begged the universe to make me miscarry if I was pregnant. I wasn't pregnant, and was ecstatic when AF came, two months late.

But I am sad now. Dh has scheduled his vasectomy for May 7. The loss of the possibility of another baby is weighing heavily on me. I love DD so much, and I cannot believe I'll never have another baby, or toddler (my favorite), ever again. I have known this since her birth, and enjoyed each stage to the fullest, but now . . . it seems so real.

Go figure.